HappyAgain Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 It probably is best to not care at all but would you feel better or worse about yourself if your partner left you for someone far worse than yourself; i.e., financially, intellectually, maturity inferior?
The Blue Pill Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I would be jealous if my ex's new man was: Better looking In better shape Smarter Richer Better in bed I would feel better knowing the new guy was: Smaller Uglier In worse shape Poor Worse in bed I have jealousy issues so that's just me. I found out my ex has someone new 2 days ago, and have been killing myself thinking about it, or rather, trying not to. I haven't seen the kid or know who he is, and I think that's for the best... I honestly would rather not know. Out of sight, out of mind. I'll take the blue pill.
lofi_tokyo Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 When my ex left me for someone else, I felt sick and depressed all the same, but the few things I did gather from the new woman was that she had (or has) some very bizzare emotional issues, and in general is disliked by my ex's family. That made me feel better for a moment, but not really, because the end result was the same - my ex left me. She also had some more "desirable qualities" than myself - chiefly, that she is Vietnamese, as is my ex, and his grandparents HATED that I'm white. So that stung too. Being replaced for what his grandparents saw as "ideal". Oh well. It still bothers me occasionally, but for the most part I've moved on and am slowly getting back into the dating scene (though I'm not the greatest at it), but I think it all takes time... its kind of nice just being on my own. I'm not lonely anymore, just at peace. You'll get there too HappyAgain.
runner Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 regarding ex's, i'm always on the assumption that: a) he's not as good as i, and b) she's found someone else whether i found out about it or not. this is absolute just as it is probably illogical. whatever works
The Blue Pill Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 regarding ex's, i'm always on the assumption that: a) he's not as good as i, and b) she's found someone else whether i found out about it or not. this is absolute just as it is probably illogical. whatever works I see validity in this. It is kind of a safety net to ASSUME they are with someone else, that way you can get over it all at once, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when it's confirmed. I don't know how to get past the point where all I can think of is her and her new thing together the way we once were... so tough.
runner Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 yes it does sting when you find out about the new person. i won't deny that. and secondly, you get past that point after some time and dating someone new yourself. as for how: whatever it is that keeps your mind preoccupied and away from the ex - which is usually the new person you're dating.
Peter_pan Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I would be jealous if my ex's new man was: Better looking In better shape Smarter Richer Better in bed I would feel better knowing the new guy was: Smaller Uglier In worse shape Poor Worse in bed I have jealousy issues so that's just me. I found out my ex has someone new 2 days ago, and have been killing myself thinking about it, or rather, trying not to. I haven't seen the kid or know who he is, and I think that's for the best... I honestly would rather not know. Out of sight, out of mind. I'll take the blue pill. I would feel better knowing the new guy was: Smaller - tick Uglier - tick In worse shape - tick Poor - nope Worse in bed - for my own ego im going to say tick so there you have it, i should feel better but i dont
Trialbyfire Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 IMO, you have to tell yourself and mean it, that it doesn't matter what the next person is like. It's over for a reason or reasons. This is one of the first doors to slam shut. In this way, you have to let go almost immediately. It's like flipping a switch. They don't belong to you anymore so whomever they end up belonging to, you're bullet-proof from any hit to the ego.
The Blue Pill Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 You're right but it's a difficult thing to hammer into your head when you're hurt and still love the other person. Yes, she is no longer mine, and what she does is no longer my business, but I can't tell myself it doesn't hurt...
Trialbyfire Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I wish I could explain it to you but for me, it's honestly like a switch. Once the relationship has been severed, off goes my territorialism and any form of possessiveness. This doesn't mean I let go and move on right away but for this portion, the door slams shut. You could always change your perception by saying: "She's your problem now buddy!"
The Blue Pill Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I like that! I've thought of one thing I didn't like about her and told myself that in my head at least. I should do so more often.
Trialbyfire Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Okay, a not so nice story for this thread. I was thinking about one situation where things had ended but I hadn't quite moved on yet. Thank goodness the switch worked well, in that I watched him pursue someone else. The not so nice portion of this was that I knew she was a liar and all around horrid person but chose not to say anything since it would only look like jealousy. If anything, I just watched the whole thing go down...and down it went. They deserved each other.
Nikki Sahagin Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 It comforts me to think she could be more beautiful, more sexually fulfilling, more whatever but she can't love you the way I did. And sure you decided you could do without my love, but that doesn't change the fact that I loved you in a way no-one else will, because I know I loved him unconditionally (not in terms of if he cheated etc) but that I would love him irreguardless of whether he got fat or lost all his hair or if he couldn't walk or became seriously ill. I would be there FOREVER, I know it inside. So I comfort myself with the notion that no-one can love you like that...not the way I did, because every persons capacity for love is unique. I did a lot for him, in small ways that I think not everyone would do...maybe they do I don't know...but every persons love is unique, so I think you are losing the unique way I would have loved you...and I would have loved you a helluva lot!
openbook08 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 It probably is best to not care at all but would you feel better or worse about yourself if your partner left you for someone far worse than yourself; i.e., financially, intellectually, maturity inferior? HELL YA! better!!!! my ex has totally downgraded in many areas...even people i dont know, who wouldve seen us together (5years) around our town, have commented to friends of mine "i just saw X new girlf, X(me) is sooo much prettier than her & has so much more goin on for herself :confused:" yeehawr dam right i do. i realise i may sound like an insecure jealous 15year old schoolgirl but whatever! it sure as hell makes me feel better on the 'off days' !you gotta do what you gotta do!! for the most part, id be with trialbyfire, hes her problem now!! and ill always be his first love..
entityzero Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Yeah I can relate.. my girl left me and hooked up with a mate who is a 17 year old trapped in a 32 year old mans body. And she is 19. Even though they may share more in common on an emotional level (they're both unable to feel or care), and they can play guitar together or whatever, he has nothing going for him, if he didnt have the job he does now he'd have nothing. My ex used to always say he repulsed her, he has bad hygiene, treats women like ****, puts on a fake happy front to hide his f**ked upness, drinks ALOT, smokes ALOT...and now shes with him? WTF? So even though I know he is worse than I am, bad for her, and that she made a bad choice, it just mystifies me even more coz i cant work out WHAT she sees in him.
Peter_pan Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Yeah I can relate.. my girl left me and hooked up with a mate who is a 17 year old trapped in a 32 year old mans body. And she is 19. Even though they may share more in common on an emotional level (they're both unable to feel or care), and they can play guitar together or whatever, he has nothing going for him, if he didnt have the job he does now he'd have nothing. My ex used to always say he repulsed her, he has bad hygiene, treats women like ****, puts on a fake happy front to hide his f**ked upness, drinks ALOT, smokes ALOT...and now shes with him? WTF? So even though I know he is worse than I am, bad for her, and that she made a bad choice, it just mystifies me even more coz i cant work out WHAT she sees in him. so dosnt that make you wonder why then? why would she leave you for this dude?
entityzero Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Are you kidding?? Of course it does, I cant work out what she sees in him and how she went back on all the bad things she used to say about him. So its confusing, i SHOULD be happy this guy is worse than me, but it just upsets me more that shes with such a loser.. WHY?!
sunshinegirl Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Oh yes, it would matter to me. Does matter. Doesn't mean it's healthy on my part, but here's what I know about myself: I have a very very strong and deep "identity" reaction after a breakup; I assume I did something wrong or was deficient in some way. It's a weird reaction because in other areas of my life I'm quite confident and successful. I am working on why I get so triggered and lose my confidence so much when a relationship doesn't work out. Anyhow, I always spin these nightmare stories where the new woman must be 'better' than me - more beautiful, smarter, funnier, more engaging, better in bed, whatever. In every case, without exception, the women that have come after me are not the nightmare I dread so much. In three cases, in fact, I have later learned that the next woman after me wasn't "all that" and mutual friends have scratched their heads wondering what the attraction was. That helps me on two fronts: one, it helps me manage my over-reactions in the wake of a breakup; and two, it helps me re-calibrate my view of my ex-boyfriend (aka: knocking him off the pedestal): "Oh, he prefers those qualities / that kind of personality? If water seeks its own level, then maybe HE wasn't 'all that'!"
gwynieatpain Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 I would only feel hurt if he's getting serious with a new girl, no matter how she looks like. They could be great girls even if they have a nose job or missed tooth, and it really does not bother my ex if these girls are acting like a starfish on the bed. and sadly I felt more related to these girls coz my ex is now back to the dating ground. He's a bad news. Warning warning warning .....
Woggle Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 My ex didn't leave me for him but she is engaged to a crackhead and it doesn't make me mad at all. I wish them the best as long as they don't have a bunch of crackbabies.
Author HappyAgain Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 Well mine definitely downgraded (not just physically but even mentally!) The new couple is actually a laughingstock among people who knew us (even the family doctor has an opinion.) I was just wondering how most people would feel if the new person is a lot less than you are. Thanks for the opinions.
Author HappyAgain Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 Yeah I can relate.. my girl left me and hooked up with a mate who is a 17 year old trapped in a 32 year old mans body. And she is 19. Even though they may share more in common on an emotional level (they're both unable to feel or care), and they can play guitar together or whatever, he has nothing going for him, if he didnt have the job he does now he'd have nothing. My ex used to always say he repulsed her, he has bad hygiene, treats women like ****, puts on a fake happy front to hide his f**ked upness, drinks ALOT, smokes ALOT...and now shes with him? WTF? So even though I know he is worse than I am, bad for her, and that she made a bad choice, it just mystifies me even more coz i cant work out WHAT she sees in him. I had someone tell me that they may go to someone less suitable than yourself in order to make themselves appear more. This may be especially true with men who were with strong women and felt inferior to them so they basically hookup with "dumb blondes" afterwards because it makes them feel more like a man. But that is the case for insecure men. I don't know about why women would do this.
EmperorR Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 I'm over that now but I know the herb my ex is with he's only smarter than m becausee he is a uber nerd and that's his first gf. But I could care less I don't want my ex back, and I hope she ends up with a cheating dirtbag like herself.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 It probably is best to not care at all but would you feel better or worse about yourself if your partner left you for someone far worse than yourself; i.e., financially, intellectually, maturity inferior? Either way I really wouldn't care because I'll find someone "better" than her
Butterfly01 Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Well, I was going to post that I would feel better if he downgraded -- but then I thought about it, and it really doesn't matter who or what she is -- she has him now, not me. I knew he would never downgrade -- he's much to vain for that. From what he told me she is nice, kind, loving and caring. His exact quote was "she's a lot like you". And I saw her picture on Facebook, she is beautiful -- not just pretty -- absolutely knock out gorgeous. So he definitely traded up in that department. Does it make it any harder? No. It would be hard even if she was an ugly troll. But, who knows -- they are still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship, so she will be perfect in his eyes no matter what.
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