DarkestDreams Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I usually grab coffee with my girlfriends after class and a while back I noticed that my ex has class at the same time, so we sort of bumped into each other at first (by that I mean mutually ignoring each other,no hello, no nothing). Then I haven't seen him for a while. He probably thought I picked that particular spot just because of him, but I figured Hey, I'm not gonna change my routine just because of him. If he can't stand the sight of me anymore, that's his problem. So today, after 6 weeks of NC and not seeing him, I was having coffee at the usual spot with my friends and I saw him passing next to me. We didn't make any eye contact and the moment I saw him I turned my back and started talking to one of my friends. I saw him for a split second and he looked better than I remembered. I just felt like a knife went through my heart. I actually thought I was doing better, but now I feel like I'm back to square one all over again.. A little background history: We dated for 2 months and he dumped me right before the holidays. It was a very "It's not me, it's you" type of breakup, he didn't take any responsability for anything. I was incredibily mad at first, still am to a certain degree, because he never brought up the things that bothered him and pretty much let everything bottle up until enough was enough. God knows I would have tried. He went NC right away. I tried contacting him twice. I called one time after a week and he didn't pick up or return my call and then a month later I sent him a message asking if he wants to get coffee sometimes. He politely decline, saying he has to take care of some things on that day. I've deleted every last trace of him from my life (messages, phone number, facebook) and yet that didn't help all that much. I don't know what it is about this guy. I'm a very proud person and when I get dumped I always brush it off in a "His loss" kind of way, but I let this one get under my skin. Sometimes I feel the need to break NC, so that I could have him tell me to my face that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Or maybe because I secretly hope that if he knew he misunderstood certain things, he'll see the light so to speak. I feel incredibly confused. I NEED to move on but I can't. I feel like I need some sort of closure and I don't have it. I hate myself for f*cking it up in the first place. Apart from the breakup itself, he was so incredibly good to me, which makes it even harder. Sorry about the rant, everyone, I'm just having a really bad day.
Adri Ana Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I understand why your day was bad , but it was just one day from your long life, so f*ck it,there will be many many very good days more .. Now to the matter, communicate him and ask him straightforward what he wants . The only way to know the truth is to hear it from him himself . Good luck to you! _________________________________________ I love you with the most heartfelt and soulful love . It is your right not to trust,but that wont reduce my love . It is your right to break it,but you can`t break my love . It is your right to make fun on me,but you can`t ever make fun on my love . As it is MY LOVE,it is MINE,though it truly belongs to YOU,My love. I love you with all my heart.It is the only truth on Earth,I believe and trust. I do love.
Author DarkestDreams Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 Thanks for the reply. Considering the fact that he made no attempt whatsoever to contact me, it's pretty obvious to me that he doesn't want to back together. He dumped me, he moved on and he's not looking back. Breaking NC at this point would set me up for yet another dissapointment. Even in the best case scenario, assuming we would get back together, the balance of power has already been established. He wouldn't respect me, he'd just use me. Yet, this knowledge doesn't make me feel any better...I hate this.
Truly Lost Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Can I ask what might have led to the break up because it sounds like you blame yourself for his decision to split? My perspective is, since you dated for only two months, he realised that you two weren't right for each other. I know it doesn't make you feel good to hear that, but sometimes it takes up to two months or longer for someone to come to that conclusion. I don't necessarily think he broke things off because he didn't think you were a good person, but he didn't want to waste your time or his. I'm sorry you fell for him deeply, but at least you didn't waste too much time with him. Relationships/dating are a pain in the a$$. They can be either really awesome (when you meet the right person) or end up in terrible heartbreak. Its a risk you take, everytime, when you meet someone.
Scum Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Hi DarkestDreams, You've said a lot and I think you have followed the correct path. I'm sort of in a similar situation as you are right now. All I can say is each day it gets better. Let me break this down... You are obviously on a school campus environment that you bumping into him. No he doesn't think you pick that spot to "check up" on him. I mean what is he going to think? You got all your friends to go there so that you could catch a quick glimpse? nah i don't think so. Its a campus and everyone is moving all over the place. The last thing you want to do is change your routine because of him. I am willing to bet that even if you did change it, you are still going to bump into him again. I want to encourage the no contact. I personally believe it works. I like that you removed the parts you could of him from your life. But as you are finding he is on many pages. I think no contact works on several levels. First it helps for you to slowly move on (even though you may not notice that today). I also believe (I don't know if this works because I haven't interviewed my exs) that it can cause them to think about why you seem to agree with the split and arn't questioning it. Ultimately the ball is in his court since he did dumb you. Now that isn't solid advice and I'm sure it has holes, but its something to think about. No contact can kind of make it look like you aren't the only one that got hurt and you don't want to be the one crawling back to him, right? Other than that stay strong and understand that he is in fact the one missing out. It obviously wasn't right and hey, it only took 2 months rather than 2 years to figure that out! And next time you see him, throw him a simple smile his way and then go back to what you were doing. I hope I helped you out with my crazy advice! Let me know if there is anything else I can do! Good luck!
Author DarkestDreams Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 TrulyLost: The reason why I blame myself for his decision is because the break-up was pretty much a list of all the things I did/say that he had a problem with. Overall I think they were trivial issues and I’ll probably never know the real reasons behind his decision. I agree with what you’re saying, 2 months isn’t a long time, which is exactly why you can’t jump to conclusions about another person (unless of course there are some..let’s say really important issues – and I don’t believe that was the case). In the long run, I’m probably better off. After all, if he didn’t take the time to know me, he wasn’t all that into me to begin with. We did have a lot in common (background, culture and values wise), which is probably what I found so appealing to begin with, but there were some differences in terms of personality and long term goals (eg. he wants to start a family in the near future, I don’t – big one, I know). I don’t fall often, but when I do, I fall hard. This why I’ll probably stay away from dating for now and focus on other areas of my life. Scum: Thanks for the support and I feel really bad that you’re in a similar predicament. It’s no piece of cake, that’s for sure. I won’t change my routine, even if it means bumping into him in the future, with all the pain that might entail – I’m stubborn like that No contact works, no doubt about that. At the end of the day, no matter how bad I feel, at least I have my dignity. I’m not sure what message it conveys to him other than that I’ve moved on. I feel I lost a lot when I attempted to contact him after the break-up..If only I had discovered LS sooner. I didn’t go all psycho on him, calling him relentlessly and such, but still. Any attempt of contact coupled with the fact that I asked him to reconsider when we talked gave him the impression that I was willing to try again. He knows where I stand and he knows where he can find me. There is nothing more I can do except to go on with life and become a better person. I guess time will tell what was the lesson to be learned from all this. Love your quote, btw
Scum Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 You know, this is life, everyone will do it. In my situation I was with my girl for a little over 2 years. Its been around a year now and it still hurts some. Sucks seeing her with other scumbags. But what can you do? All there is to really do is don't change, be who you are and stay stubborn! Dignity is key. Yourself value and image is important for your self of steam and future possibilities. Sure it will be rocky now, but hang in there and just keep swinging. Whatever the hell that means right now. But good tell him where you stand and leave it at that. you don't want to be his fall back girl. Don't let him just decide one day he wants you back and be there waiting with open arms. I think you need the mentality that it is completely over even if he comes to his senses. Too late buddy! Now I'm not sure exactly how much time has passed but at least 6-8 weeks? If he hasn't turned around by now especially it looks pretty grim. But its ok! He wasn't the right guy and you know now! Good lessons learned, which will be clearer later, and new hot guys around the corner. Have fun! The quote - some guys don't like it, but hey its the truth. I'm a guy and I'm scum also
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