fairyflower Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 And when it ends, it will really suck, working in the same office and all. If one is a boss to the other... warning... nowadays they typically fire the boss not the suboridinate... although I've seen pairs fired as well... just my own experience in the workplace (HR department) fairyflower
sugarmomma Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I used to be in HR and if he is your subordinate I would suggest that you stay as far away from him as possible. He could easily scream sexual harassment especially if you are responsible for his reviews and increases. I have seen this too many times. You or he would need to go to another department if you r seriously considering this. You guys are brutal!!!!
mental_traveller Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 The psychology is easy - he is already cheating so getting married will make no difference. Cheating in a serious relationship is morally identical to cheating in a marriage.
Awesome84 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Maybe he is having wedding jitters and using you to fullfill those last minute fantasies before getting married. Who knows... Just a thought tho! I think you should back away tho. My sister and I just had this conversation last night about her and her b/f's 2 friends who just got engaged and he made a pass at her. She was asking me if she should tell his fiance. Tough situation!!
Billie63 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 It's the age old debate that divides men and women. There is no deep reason why this man is willing to cheat before and during his marriage - there are plenty of men who do what he does and they just don't think it's that big a deal. For them having sex is just a function, it's like eating a nice steak when you're hungry and once it's eaten they've moved onto the next thing. Too many women refuse to acknowledge this and end up thinking: 'He must really care for me if he's prepared to risk his marriage to see me." Some men are just greedy, it really is that simple.
2sure Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 [quote=mustard99;2080152]I am about to start an affair ... I am about to become addicted to crack.... I am about to get on a train that will crash.... I am about to step into a pit of vipers... I am about to do something really stupid... Maybe you wont get addicted to crack, maybe you will escape the train wreck unijured, maybe the snakes wont bite, maybe doing something stupid wont become a habit.... But seriously, why risk it? There is no advantage for you in taking the risk. and since you havent done it yet...just say NO.
Lizzie60 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Now that gets me thinking. Thank you. I doubt he will use it against you if he's under you... Plus do you honestly think he would 'admit' this if he's still married..
Lizzie60 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I used to be in HR and if he is your subordinate I would suggest that you stay as far away from him as possible. He could easily scream sexual harassment especially if you are responsible for his reviews and increases. I have seen this too many times. You or he would need to go to another department if you r seriously considering this. You guys are brutal!!!! And how exactly can he prove this?
White Flower Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 It's the age old debate that divides men and women. There is no deep reason why this man is willing to cheat before and during his marriage - there are plenty of men who do what he does and they just don't think it's that big a deal. For them having sex is just a function, it's like eating a nice steak when you're hungry and once it's eaten they've moved onto the next thing. Too many women refuse to acknowledge this and end up thinking: 'He must really care for me if he's prepared to risk his marriage to see me." Some men are just greedy, it really is that simple. Yes, but when they are good at keeping the 'steak supply' they will go so far as to shower you with the 'I love you's' and 'I can't live without you's' and it can become terribly convincing. Like a wolf in sheeps clothing.
Owl Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 And how exactly can he prove this? If it came out in the open somehow (lots of ways that it could), it's a safe bet he's going to attempt to blame her rather than accept the blame himself...he'll try to save his job by throwing her under the bus. And...at that point...how do you prove/disprove that it was a mutual relationship or not? Once she's accused, it should be simple to prove that they are clearly communicating well beyond the "work need"...and it won't matter if HE can prove it or not...it'll be up to IT, and HR's interviews of any potential people who could have seen them interacting. It IS a risk to her job.
Lizzie60 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 If it came out in the open somehow (lots of ways that it could), it's a safe bet he's going to attempt to blame her rather than accept the blame himself...he'll try to save his job by throwing her under the bus. And...at that point...how do you prove/disprove that it was a mutual relationship or not? Once she's accused, it should be simple to prove that they are clearly communicating well beyond the "work need"...and it won't matter if HE can prove it or not...it'll be up to IT, and HR's interviews of any potential people who could have seen them interacting. It IS a risk to her job. It's still always his word against hers.. I wouldn't worry too much..
Lucky_One Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Aside from the legalities or possible repercussions of getting busted at work in an affair, I would cringe at being known as the office slut. I have worked FAR too hard in my field to be professional and to rise on my own merits, and damned if i am going to be the object of gossip behind my back (Did Lucky get that promotion bc she gets on her knees for corporate? Lucky and Boss had a closed door meeting for an hour in his office this afternoon; I bet he was giving her her weekly lesson in dick-tation.) Nope. Work is for working. My personal life is for my time OFF work. And my professional reputation remains stellar. If I am going to lose respect at work, it will because I screwed up professionally, not because I screwed someone else's husband.
MindoverMatter Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 It's still always his word against hers.. I wouldn't worry too much.. Not really. Because he will say that they had an affair (or maybe he won't and wifey finds out and says it) and she would have to prove that this wasn't the case. Which should be nearly impossible, with e-mails and texts etc to prove the real situation. This would be enough for many HR departments to get rid of one of the parties involved and if the OP can't disprove the affair, then it will most likely be her position that becomes vacant.
Lizzie60 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Not really. Because he will say that they had an affair (or maybe he won't and wifey finds out and says it) and she would have to prove that this wasn't the case. Which should be nearly impossible, with e-mails and texts etc to prove the real situation. This would be enough for many HR departments to get rid of one of the parties involved and if the OP can't disprove the affair, then it will most likely be her position that becomes vacant. Well.. we'll have to agree to disagree.. that would be too easy.. anyone who has something against his/her boss could make this story up...
norajane Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I doubt he will use it against you if he's under you... Plus do you honestly think he would 'admit' this if he's still married.. I'm sure it will all be furtive glances and giggling while all goes well. It's when things end or go awry in some way that the viciousness can come out. He's an opportunist. It's not far fetched to believe he might use this against her in some way, if it's an advantage to him. Especially if he gets CAUGHT.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 For men like this, being or getting married has nothing to do with having an affair. Just because he is in one does not mean he doesn't want to have the other too. Too many people mistake 'having an affair' for 'wanting out of the marriage'. For most, nothing could be further from the truth. If you want to start an affair, by all means go ahead but understand this: you will likely never be more than you are as an OW, and when the affair ends it will be incredibly awkward to work with him. If you get outright busted and the affair ends that way, your job will likely be at risk as well. There is no good end to these things. So few people can even imagine the end though, when the preface and the present seem so good. It is a shame how much people are willing to risk by cheating and helping someone else cheat. They never really see the overall loss until it is nearly too late. At the very least, you will need to understand that with the insane 'highs' of an affair come the insane 'lows' as well. Don't go any higher than you can handle falling.
Blush Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 You cant push a car sideways. If your human nature is cold, heartless and lust driven, you are going to do whatever you WANT to do. So I dont understand why your posting in this forum anyways. One of the oldest sayings could not hold truer to your situation..."What goes around comes around". Good Luck!
ezg3 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Hello I know I am going to take some hits on this but hopefully someone out there will actually answer the question I have. I am about to start an affair with a guy who gets married in 4 months. I understand my motivation but would like insight to his. We work at the same place but different buildings. However he is applying for a job which not only puts us in the same building but will involve working closely together. I know I sound cold but this is not a problem for me - it will give us opportunity to have nights away together. I initially imagined that we'd just get it out of our system then stop when he took vows. But he seems to have no problem in continuing. I find that strange. As I say, I know I will take abuse, but if anyone can shed some light on how the male psyche works I would be grateful. Thank you. i reccomend not starting it at all... just be strong and tell him no. sure you like him. sure it sounds fun, kinky even kind of romantic...it is none of those in the end. those plusses are far outweighed by the ramifications to all involved in the end...including the innocent party fiance.
Author mustard99 Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 Hello all Have been reading but not posting. Lucrezia Borgia - yours was the one that swung it. Met him tonight, took the scales from my eyes and thought - are you worth it. The answer was no. Home now in front of the telly. Glass of wine. Feeling pretty relieved to be honest. Thank you all for the time you have taken to post -but have to say. It is those of you who post with advice and sincerity that make the difference. Not the knockers. Take care one and all. Will call again when I need advice, but hopefully on the dating forum rather than this one. M99 xx:D
ezg3 Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Hello all Have been reading but not posting. Lucrezia Borgia - yours was the one that swung it. Met him tonight, took the scales from my eyes and thought - are you worth it. The answer was no. Home now in front of the telly. Glass of wine. Feeling pretty relieved to be honest. Thank you all for the time you have taken to post -but have to say. It is those of you who post with advice and sincerity that make the difference. Not the knockers. Take care one and all. Will call again when I need advice, but hopefully on the dating forum rather than this one. M99 xx:D thats so awesome!!! good for you!! if only the rest of us would have been so smart. enjoy NOT going down this road.
Author mustard99 Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 ezg3 - actually your 'kinky/romantic' post touched a chord. Thank you M99
Author mustard99 Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 For men like this, being or getting married has nothing to do with having an affair. Just because he is in one does not mean he doesn't want to have the other too. Too many people mistake 'having an affair' for 'wanting out of the marriage'. For most, nothing could be further from the truth. If you want to start an affair, by all means go ahead but understand this: you will likely never be more than you are as an OW, and when the affair ends it will be incredibly awkward to work with him. If you get outright busted and the affair ends that way, your job will likely be at risk as well. There is no good end to these things. So few people can even imagine the end though, when the preface and the present seem so good. It is a shame how much people are willing to risk by cheating and helping someone else cheat. They never really see the overall loss until it is nearly too late. At the very least, you will need to understand that with the insane 'highs' of an affair come the insane 'lows' as well. Don't go any higher than you can handle falling. That's the line that did it for me. LB -please use often. Others reading this thread that may be in the same situation. Think on this. M99 xx
nadiaj2727 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Aside from the legalities or possible repercussions of getting busted at work in an affair, I would cringe at being known as the office slut. I have worked FAR too hard in my field to be professional and to rise on my own merits, and damned if i am going to be the object of gossip behind my back (Did Lucky get that promotion bc she gets on her knees for corporate? Lucky and Boss had a closed door meeting for an hour in his office this afternoon; I bet he was giving her her weekly lesson in dick-tation.) Nope. Work is for working. My personal life is for my time OFF work. And my professional reputation remains stellar. If I am going to lose respect at work, it will because I screwed up professionally, not because I screwed someone else's husband. You are a smart cookie Lucky One. I learned this lesson the hard way. I mixed my personal and professional life so much and I thought "love" was worth anything. Whatever. Now I will never forget that lesson and I conduct myself with the utmost respect for myself and for my other co-workers. It was definitely a huge learning experience for me and one that I will always impart to younger (or others, if they ask) professional females. (Males need this lesson too -- there are so many higher-ups that have affairs with their assistants etc. and are constantly talked about because of it. This is stupid and they should stop but I think they are old enough to know better and won't stop... and for some reason, it doesn't seem to affect their reputation career-wise nearly as much as it does women who have *one* work-place affair, let alone many, like some of these guys have!) Anyway... OP I don't know what you're thinking, sounds like you want a fun fling and nothing serious, and I doubt if you'd listen but I'd say to put yourself in his fiance's shoes. Don't be "that girl." Be better than that. You would be letting him use you, and for what?? And I agree with WhiteFlower that you should tell his fiance. She doesn't deserve to get married based on a big purposeful lie. That will ruin her whole life.
nadiaj2727 Posted March 22, 2009 Posted March 22, 2009 Hello all Have been reading but not posting. Lucrezia Borgia - yours was the one that swung it. Met him tonight, took the scales from my eyes and thought - are you worth it. The answer was no. Home now in front of the telly. Glass of wine. Feeling pretty relieved to be honest. Thank you all for the time you have taken to post -but have to say. It is those of you who post with advice and sincerity that make the difference. Not the knockers. Take care one and all. Will call again when I need advice, but hopefully on the dating forum rather than this one. M99 xx:D Sorry I posted too soon, before I read this update. I am glad you decided not to do it and hope you stick to that decision. I wish I had decided NOT to go down that road. LB and others are right that that road doesn't wind anywhere pretty in the end.
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