mustard99 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Hello I know I am going to take some hits on this but hopefully someone out there will actually answer the question I have. I am about to start an affair with a guy who gets married in 4 months. I understand my motivation but would like insight to his. We work at the same place but different buildings. However he is applying for a job which not only puts us in the same building but will involve working closely together. I know I sound cold but this is not a problem for me - it will give us opportunity to have nights away together. I initially imagined that we'd just get it out of our system then stop when he took vows. But he seems to have no problem in continuing. I find that strange. As I say, I know I will take abuse, but if anyone can shed some light on how the male psyche works I would be grateful. Thank you.
norajane Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Why is he starting an affair now? Because you're letting him, and because he's an ass. Cheater male psychology - hey, mustard99 is willing, so I can screw around with her AND my fiance! Two is better than one! This is not the same as the psychology of a man who isn't an ass and a cheater, of course. Men aren't all the same.
Adri Ana Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 He is a cheater -1 explanation. He is lightminded and having an affair together with a marriage means nothing to him -2nd explanation . He is an ass - an alternate explanation . He does not love his fiance - may be not a true explanation . He loves you - may be not a true explanation . _________________________________________ I love you with the most heartfelt and soulful love . It is your right not to trust,but that wont reduce my love . It is your right to break it,but you can`t break my love . It is your right to make fun on me,but you can`t ever make fun on my love . As it is MY LOVE,it is MINE,though it truly belongs to YOU,My love. I love you with all my heart.It is the only truth on Earth,I believe and trust. I do love.
White Flower Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Hello I know I am going to take some hits on this but hopefully someone out there will actually answer the question I have. I am about to start an affair with a guy who gets married in 4 months. I understand my motivation but would like insight to his. We work at the same place but different buildings. However he is applying for a job which not only puts us in the same building but will involve working closely together. I know I sound cold but this is not a problem for me - it will give us opportunity to have nights away together. I initially imagined that we'd just get it out of our system then stop when he took vows. But he seems to have no problem in continuing. I find that strange. As I say, I know I will take abuse, but if anyone can shed some light on how the male psyche works I would be grateful. Thank you. Hi Mustard, Your story reminds me of someone I know. She married her H and 20 years later a woman came a knocking on her door telling her that he began dating them both at the same time. He was not going to go through with the M, but did anyway, then later told his girlfriend-turned-OW that he made a mistake. After 20 years she was tired of living with 'his mistake' so she knocked on the Ws door while H was at work and told her about their 20 year A. My friend not having a jealous bone in her body gave H his freedom and married someone much more to her satisfaction. And boy-do they look GREAT together! Anyway... You find it strange because your guy is is obviously on the verge of taking on his new role as the serial cheater. If he is willing to go into M playing this game there is no hope for him. We don't usually get to witness this strange decision as it is usually hidden by the very man who thought he would never be this way. I'm sure even he is surprised. He may even make many attempts at quitting this behavior but you know how easy it is to get away with it so why try? Do his young W to be a favor and at least warn her. Let her make a choice now to walk before this is entangled with real-estate, children, and retirement plans. Let her find the man of her dreams, one who will love her. I was an OW myself so I am not bashing you. I just see prevention here whereas in so many other A relationships it is about a M gone bad. Prevent this one. Chances are you'll still keep him for the fun you want but you'll be helping another woman as well.
Geishawhelk Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 . I am about to start an affair with a guy who gets married in 4 months. Ok, I'll try not to hit too hard, but - WTF are you thinking - ??!? "I am about to start an affair...." Are you completely callous, heartless and insane? You know what I'd do? I'd call his fiancee, and tell her you're dangerously close to being balled by her intended! Walk away from this! Why would you willingly participate in destroying a marriage before it's even begun - ? What he chooses to do is his problem, but why, oh why be party to it ? Are you serious?? I understand my motivation but would like insight to his. One: You can never, ever get into the mind-workings of another person, particulrly the opposite gender. So don't even go there, and don't even try. Who knows why the low-life scum actually wants to cheat on the woman he's about to make his life partner? (Boy, now - would she love to know.....!!) And Two: THis should be interesting - just what IS your motivation? We work at the same place but different buildings. However he is applying for a job which not only puts us in the same building but will involve working closely together. I know I sound cold but this is not a problem for me I'll bet. It's not a promotion thing, is it? You're not spreading them for a push up the corporate ladder? it will give us opportunity to have nights away together. I initially imagined that we'd just get it out of our system then stop when he took vows. But he seems to have no problem in continuing. I find that strange. I find it entirely brainlessly bizarre that you'd actually even consider being in the same room with this guy! never mind what you find strange - are you not even the slightest bit puzzled by your own behaviour??? As I say, I know I will take abuse, but if anyone can shed some light on how the male psyche works I would be grateful. I really actually am not throwing abuse at you. You'd know it if I was..... I really just want you to take a step back and ask you to look at your own morals and scruples.... Forget the male psyche. let's just say that some guys will f*ck any willing puss that offers.... So that's you, is it? I really don't know how you can even consider this scenario, I really don't.
jj33 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Mustard This is not a guy who is stuck in a marriage and has ANY excuse not to get out. hes NOT married and he is choosing to go through with the marriage while sleeping with you. What if he left her to be with you. Would that have be OK with you? That this is his way of dealing with conflict and indecision on his part? No matter what he tells you, there is no reason for him to get married if he is even considering sleeping with you. If none of that bothers you, then you belong together, for as long as it lasts. Its a match in terms of values.
norajane Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 If none of that bothers you, then you belong together, for as long as it lasts. And when it ends, it will really suck, working in the same office and all.
Author mustard99 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 Wow. Thank you - such great replies in such a short time. Much appreciated. Norajane - absolutely right, not all men are the same. I have many wonderful married male friends who would not dream of having an affair. Adri Ana - I know for a fact he does not love me. Lust - pure lust. White Flower - What a great example of what can go wrong so far down the line and I am so glad your friend found love elsewere. However I don't want him on a permanent basis, so I don't want to let his fiance know. I know I am leaving the problem on maybe the next woman's doorstep but I don't think I am the one that will break up the relationship. And thank you for not bashing. Geishawhelk - gosh great questions. I do not know his fiance or how to contact her. I do not want or intend to stop or destroy this marriage. My motivation - sex. Corporate ladder - I'm senior. Willing puss - yep, I am. there is no future in this for me.
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I am about to start an affair with a guy who gets married in 4 months. This has to be the worst idea ever. Do you love this guy? Do you want to be his wife? Or are you just looking for some hot sex for however long it will last? You're putting yourself in a really stupid situation. *Note, I'm not calling you stupid, I'm calling the situation you're creating for yourself stupid.* IF you are prepared to go ahead with this crazy plan, BE prepared for the fallout and consquences later on. I understand my motivation but would like insight to his. What is your motivation? Get this out of your system? You think you can just screw around for 4 months and then turn it all off? You're seriously playing with fire. What does this guy have that makes you want him? Obviously the fact he's offering his selfish azz to you before and after his marriage, you must be thrilled to be his OW? Not good enough to be his wife, possibly mother of his future children, but you're OK with being his secret, his side dish? What I don't understand is, why you would go for it with an almost MM? Forget his reasons, what are YOURS?
Surfer Dude Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I don't know who's more pathetic, him or you...
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I do not want or intend to stop or destroy this marriage. What happens if he falls inlove with you? Or calls off his wedding to his bride to be? I don't think I am the one that will break up the relationship. But you'd definately be helping him betray her. What an awful way for his future wife to start off their life together - On one big fat lie. I know you probably don't care about her, otherwise you wouldn't be doing this.
norajane Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 My motivation - sex. Corporate ladder - I'm senior. Willing puss - yep, I am. there is no future in this for me. And there may be no job for you, too, if anyone catches on to you having sex with a subordinate. Or if he gets pissed off at you at some point and uses it against you.
The Blue Pill Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I have no respect for anyone who cheats on someone else for any reason. If you are interested in other options, end your current relationship first. That being said, people who put out the temptation for cheaters are worthless as well. You know full well that he's engaged, and you don't have the decency as a human being to honor that. You are a temptation, you serpent, let us know how the world looks from way down there.
Author mustard99 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 jj33 - If he left for me I would run a mile. Whichwayisup - i do not imagine he will call off the wedding their lives are so entwined. She is step to his daughters from previous relationship. I do not want children, or to take on anyone elses. He does not fit into my life either. It is just lust. Animal attraction. And I know this sounds harsh in black & white but how can I care about her...I don't know her.
Author mustard99 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 And there may be no job for you, too, if anyone catches on to you having sex with a subordinate. Or if he gets pissed off at you at some point and uses it against you. Now that gets me thinking. Thank you.
whichwayisup Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Now that gets me thinking. Thank you. You mean that thought never occured to you? This day and age when people sue and put lawsuits against anyone and everyone? You're a bigwig at your company, you need to keep it on the straight and narrow.
Author mustard99 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 You mean that thought never occured to you? This day and age when people sue and put lawsuits against anyone and everyone? You're a bigwig at your company, you need to keep it on the straight and narrow. Bigwig - I wish but no. Just a slightly more senior drone....but I just had not considered that he would use anything against me if anything between us went t*ts up. I wouldn't do that so hadn't thought that he might. Not being ruled by my head in this am I?
bentnotbroken Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Bigwig - I wish but no. Just a slightly more senior drone....but I just had not considered that he would use anything against me if anything between us went t*ts up. I wouldn't do that so hadn't thought that he might. Not being ruled by my head in this am I? Nope, stictly by your groin area.
Author mustard99 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 Nope, stictly by your groin area. Mmm. Can't argue with that one.
Athena Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 but if anyone can shed some light on how the male psyche works I would be grateful. My take on this is that he is buying some insurance for himself... by using you to put a distancing wedge between himself and his new bride-to-be. He sounds emotionally challenged, to say nothing of morally challenged -- and THIS should be a red flag for YOU, since if he is capable of intentionally hurting the woman he professes to love and 'honor' imagine what he will be capable of doing to hurt YOU once you've served your purpose!
Lucky_One Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I think some guys have a panic attack at the thought that they are going to have sex with the same woman for the rest of their lives - so they do that wild oat thing. You are the vacant fallow field - let's just hope you aren't fertile, because you don't post as though you have a lot of maternal feeling. I think that screwing a married co-worker is just about the dumbest thing anyone can do. JMHO
Author mustard99 Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 Thank you all very much for taking the time to post and give me your thoughts. I may not come across as the kind of person you would want to spend time with but I wouldn't have posted if I was all bad. Athena - I think you probably came closest to what I needed to read and Norajane - thank you for what may be a wake up call. I think I need a rethink. Or a think in the first place. Take care, I wish you all well and appreciate your advice. M99
Author mustard99 Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 I think some guys have a panic attack at the thought that they are going to have sex with the same woman for the rest of their lives - so they do that wild oat thing. You are the vacant fallow field - let's just hope you aren't fertile, because you don't post as though you have a lot of maternal feeling. I think that screwing a married co-worker is just about the dumbest thing anyone can do. JMHO Just picked this up. I think your insight on both me and him are spot on! Thank you.
Athena Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Thank you all very much for taking the time to post and give me your thoughts. I may not come across as the kind of person you would want to spend time with but I wouldn't have posted if I was all bad. Athena - I think you probably came closest to what I needed to read and Norajane - thank you for what may be a wake up call. I think I need a rethink. Or a think in the first place. Take care, I wish you all well and appreciate your advice. M99 You are welcome, and I wish you all the best.
Geishawhelk Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 .....And I know this sounds harsh in black & white but how can I care about her...I don't know her. Well, picture it a while down the road during a company do, and he brings her along. You meet. You actually really like her. Now what? So you're telling me you have to know someone to care about them? What about kids who get used an abused for paedophile prostitution? You don't know them, but do you care? Or women who get the sh*t beaten out of them by violent husbands. Care about them? No? or Yes? So all these people having despicable things done to them, you'd care about. (I'm presuming a lot her, by thinking you've answere yes....) But the one person you are about to do something despicable to - you don't care about. Really.....? Explain.....?
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