BobTheMainiac Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I have been married for 26 years and recently my wife spoke softly in my ear while making love. She said John. My name is Bob. Is she or has she recently had an affair with John? I think she has but do not know how to approach her because who would admit this if it is in fact true?
Owl Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 She wouldn't...so you start snooping. I'd post this thread over on the infidelity forum rather than the OW/OM...just my suggestion. Start looking at her email/IM/phone records...see who she's communicating with.
carhill Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Hey, welcome My instinct is a fantasy. Fantasies are nice. Get one of your own and share it with her. Within a monogamous and trusting relationship, fantasies can add spice to intimacy. IMO, don't jump to conclusions. It's her behavior outside the bedroom that would provide the majority of those signals. Women can be very skilled at deception within the bedroom if they so choose.
White Flower Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I once accidently uttered a guy's name during sex that we'd had dinner with that night. Luckily my H didn't really hear it and I gasped at my own stupidity because I didn't even care for the guy other than being friends with him. I had no idea why his name slipped out like that and pondered it for years. I had absolutely no desire for this guy in any way. The slipping of the name meant nothing in my case and could have been nothing in your wife's case as well.
Athena Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 So -- what was your Wife's reaction to her own mistake? Or didn't she appear to notice what name she uttered? And -- Howcome you didn't react at the time?! hmm
Author BobTheMainiac Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 I didn't react at the time. I was a little shocked.
Author BobTheMainiac Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 I guess my question has been answered. I just don't want to believe it. Now I have to do something. Forgive or forget her is the question now.
Athena Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 So is your basic question here How do you get to find out the Truth? In my experience and knowledge, you will NOT get at the truth easily by simply 'asking' her... the only way you will get her to admit to the truth of having an affair with John (assuming she has had an affair, but will not admit it) is if you INSIST that its OBVIOUS that's what it is... over and over again, see -- the Liar knows she/he is lying, but doesn't know if she/he can convince YOU of the lie, or not. Its a matter of calling her bluff... keep at it, over and over again until you wear her down and she gives in. I am always amazed at how willingly the betrayed spouse is when given some flaky reason for an obvious lie!!!! However, my opinion is that it is better for YOUR sanity to go a different route -- to keep your eyes and ears open for any and all clues. No one can conduct an affair without some kind of evidence being left (even if only for a short while) around somewhere... for instance, if your W is having an affair, she must be Communicating with him, and/or Spending time with him. So -- for catching her in communications check her cell phone records, her cell phone log and text messages, although she is bound to be very careful and immediately erase all logs and calls to do with her OM right away, you might catch it when she hasn't done so yet. See if you can go find her when she walks out of the room to text or phone her lover. See if she is being protective of any privacy -- especially her cell phone and computer usage like emails. You can have her followed, or do so yourself, or get a GPS on her car, or a voice activate recorder under her car seat. You can check her belongings for receipts or notes, look for cards/love letters/ a journal etc However, this is all very invasive of her privacy and I am sure you would not feel nice about doing all this detective work just one one word alone. Do you have ANY other suspicions at all? Like, unaccounted for time absences, a change of behavior, taking extra care with her appearance, etc?
Athena Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I guess my question has been answered. I just don't want to believe it. Now I have to do something. Forgive or forget her is the question now. What? How exactly was it answered? And -- are you joking? You cannot forgive her until she a) admits to wrongdoing and b) asks you for your forgiveness!!!
White Flower Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I guess my question has been answered. I just don't want to believe it. Now I have to do something. Forgive or forget her is the question now. I find that if something bothers me after a few days it MUST be addressed or it will eat me up. However, I do understand the delayed response. Sometimes you just need to think about something before reacting. Which brings up the definition: Reacting is an action not thought through while responding is an act filled with thought and contemplation.
Kasan Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I guess my question has been answered. I just don't want to believe it. Now I have to do something. Forgive or forget her is the question now. Guess I am confused here..........26 years of marriage and you can't ask your wife why she called you another name? What is there to forgive her for? Do you have proof that she had an affair or is having an affair? So how are things going in your marriage otherwise?
carhill Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Yeah, talk about jumping the gun If anything, just be more aware. Maybe it was one of those karma calls to pay more attention to the M
OWoman Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I have been married for 26 years and recently my wife spoke softly in my ear while making love. She said John. My name is Bob. Is she or has she recently had an affair with John? I think she has but do not know how to approach her because who would admit this if it is in fact true? Is this the sole evidence for your suspicion about the A, or merely the clincher? Maybe she has the hots for some movie star or pop singer and uses that as a convenient fantasy to spice things up. Maybe she has selective nominal aphasia, and substituted "John" for "Bob" because they're kinda the same, sorta. Maybe she was thinking she ought to phone John the mechanic to book the car in for a service just at that moment. Maybe she's been seeing Johnny Walker, Jim Beam and Jack Daniels on the side? There are many possible explanations and you'll never know through mere speculation. If it's bugging you, either ask her or investigate - but I'd only bother with the latter if you really think that there is a chance of that. Otherwise you'll merely drive a wedge between you with your suspicion and mistrust - far better in that case just to come out and ask her. Unless she's been expecting you to ask, and has her tracks well covered, a blunt question requiring a direct answer might be all it needs.
jwi71 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Actually OP, If this is bothering you, spy on her. This has already triggered the "my W is unfaithful" thoughts...and that's no good. Buy or download a keylogger and put in on the PC and wait. Ask your mobile provider to provided detailed billing which will report all numbers received and dialed and other goodies. Look for certain numbers to appear. Then you can buy reports on that number online... But you must answer this question or it will eat you up. I hope it is innocuous. I hope she was thinking of John...Bon Jovi in some stupid rock star sex fantasy. The only way to know is to dig.
949GuitarDude Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Why don't you try calling her and tell her that it's John and see what she does?
Athena Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Why don't you try calling her and tell her that it's John and see what she does? LOL Anyway, realistically speaking, that's not likely to be possible, since I am sure they communicate via her cell phone, and she has caller ID, right?! Even if OP uses a blocked number to call his wife's cell phone, she will answer the phone cautiously and be suspicious as to who is calling, and don't you think she will know her husband's voice? Or even a lover's voice? Especially if she is hiding an affair, she is going to be way more cautious in any phone call, unlike a wife who has nothing to hide. Even if he had to do this, he would just be giving his wife the heads-up that he is suspicious and onto her and this would give her the warning to hide her supposed affair better!
Die Hard Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 For you guys wanting to do some spying I found a fantastic cellphone program called 123spoof. When calling someone you can enter any number you want as the caller ID. So if you have a number tnhat a significant other should not be answering, you can find out how they do when tempted. Here's a link, it's free for two minute calls, which should be enough to find out what you want to know: http://123spoof.com/ I've been using it to scare and freak out my friends. You can make them think someone is calling them from inside their house. I've been tormenting all my friends with this app and now they never know who the heck is really calling them. Anyway I figure this app could come in handy if you feel the need to snoop/investigate.
Athena Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 For you guys wanting to do some spying I found a fantastic cellphone program called 123spoof. When calling someone you can enter any number you want as the caller ID. So if you have a number tnhat a significant other should not be answering, you can find out how they do when tempted. Here's a link, it's free for two minute calls, which should be enough to find out what you want to know: http://123spoof.com/ I've been using it to scare and freak out my friends. You can make them think someone is calling them from inside their house. Anyway I figure this app could come in handy if you feel the need to snoop/investigate. aah, okay this might work if the original poster just whispers "hi sexy" and uses OM's cell phone number... HOWEVER he has NO clue if there is an OM, never mind his actual cell phone number....
Die Hard Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 aah, okay this might work if the original poster just whispers "hi sexy" and uses OM's cell phone number... HOWEVER he has NO clue if there is an OM, never mind his actual cell phone number....Yeah I know but if he checks his phone bill and see some fishy numbers... Anyway I just mentioned it here, not for him specifically. Plus I'll tell you, use this a few times on a wayward spouse and they won't be using their phone to mess around anymore, I can promise you that. They'll ALWAYS have to wonder who is really calling.
Die Hard Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Of course, this could work both ways. A wayward spouse could use this application to make a spouse think they are still at work burning the midnight oil.
Shygirl15 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Bob, my dear, since you can't face your wife to ask her about this dude John, you may want to look into this: Why don't you try calling her and tell her that it's John and see what she does? ...but ask a trusted friend to do it.
Athena Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Bob, my dear, since you can't face your wife to ask her about this dude John, you may want to look into this: ...but ask a trusted friend to do it. Sure, he could ask a friend to do it, but I don't think any cheating wife would be quick to assume that a male's voice from a strange phone number who identifies himself as "John" will be HER John... she's likely to ask John Who? -- cause it's not the way her john sounds, talks to her, the wrong caller ID AND especially since any cheating spouse is likely to be on High Alert on anything to do with their secret lover, unlike people who don't cheat, and don't have any reason to be cautious when answering their phone... eh, sure he could try it, but that might give her the heads up that something is onto her and John... and make her cover her tracks better.
Heroic Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Sit her down and utter these exact words..... John, called me today and he told me everything. You would have to have ice water in your veins not to show a reaction.
Reggie Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Bob, my dear, since you can't face your wife to ask her about this dude John, you may want to look into this: ...but ask a trusted friend to do it. I don't think it is a matter of being able to face his wife and ask her. It is a matter of that approach almost never working. And, at this early juncture, without more evidence(if there is any), it makes gathering additional evidence much more difficult. If you want the truth, you have to begin snooping surreptitiously. The VAR,GPS, Keylogger, phone bill, receipts etc. Or, consider hiring a PI if you can afford it. My PI(a buddy who I did not have to pay) got undeniable evidence the first time out. Sealed the deal for me.
Author BobTheMainiac Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 Well lets see. I won't jump the gun. There are several other issues that have appeared in the last 2 or 3 years. She is now a binge drinker and blacks out most of the time when she does drink, 3 times a week. She is always biting her nails, anxious? Is now on anti depresants and sleeping pills. We finally have an empty nest. She has always said she has had only three lovers until a month ago she has had four, but quickly changed it to three. It's not that I am afraid to confront, it's a one shot deal. If I ask, she will deny. I think some one was right in telling her John called and told me everything. That is the route that will open something up or clear something up. I do appreciate everyones input.
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