In search of an affair-but how?

[Dexter Morgan]

I am toying with the idea of an affair- with someone married or single. .

 

And then I saw this.

 

Geez, where do you people come from? You know, I might be able to understand a smidge about people becoming attracted to someone married....but actually LOOKING for someone and don't care if they are married or not?

 

Despicable.

[z1850]

Well you do realize this is an infidelity forum where, for the most part, people come for help in coping with a partner that is having an affair and can be viewed as pretty much offensive?

 

Perhaps the better forum for this would be the OW/OM forum. They cater to people who want to have an affair.

 

A casual search on match dot com in fact revealed 21 pages of men in Michigan whose marital status is "currently separated."

 

A casual search of SmartWoman's posts also revealed she is on anti-depressant medication and has a long history of counseling...I sense that she's using this forum to vent whereas her real issues probably best are addressed by a professional.

 

Speaking of which, I did not find any mention of spiritual counseling by a minister or priest. Indeed, perhaps there are issues in this case which should be addressed by spiritual counseling. I recall a reference to Retrouvaille dot org in a previous post.

[Owl]

Who's saying she would wreck someone else's marriage...

 

I have been seeing MMs for years.. and I never wrecked any marriage.. I think, quite the opposite.. I've probably helped some..

 

I'm curious if the wives of all those MM's would agree? If they'd willingly start putting the cost of your "services" into their budget as marriage counseling?

 

I think not.

[taylor]

Having an affair behind your husband's back will negate all "positive" and "moral" things you are doing for him, ie, providing him a place to live and easing his financial situation..especially if he still has feelings for you.

 

Why don't you just do the right thing.

 

Get divorced as you planned. Agree to pay him alimony and forego child support until he is back on his feet.

 

There are millions of women who get divorced from husbands every day who never worked a day in their lives outside the house and find themselves in need of employment to support themselves. Surely your husband can do the same.

 

I don't understand why you allowed your husband to move back in in the first place. You said he won't lose his job until the end of the year.

 

Besides, most separated people move in with other family members...parents, siblings...until they can get back on their feet. Why didn't he do that?

 

And how hard is your husband going to work at making himself financially independent of you if you continue to let him live with you?

 

I think he moved back in with you because he doesn't want to let you go. You aren't doing him any favors.

 

Let him find other living arrangements..find a second job to support himself. You make alimony payments to him after the divorce. STBXH/W live in the same house and sleep in the same bed with them.

 

And I don't think you bringing an affair partner into the house with your husband there is going to work...even if he agrees to it (which I don't think he will since he still has feelings for you). That is a very cruel thing to do.. And even if you don't bring the affair partner into the house, just knowing you are "out" with another guy will be enough to slowly suck the life out of your husband.

 

As a married woman who had an EA with a single man, I can tell you its not a bed of roses. You will hurt yourself, your children, your husband and the OM regardless of whether he is married or single. And if he is married, you will also hurt his wife and children. And on top of that, you risk hurting your business and financial security.

 

GET THE DIVORCE and then you are free to pursue a single man as a newly divorced woman with a clear conscience.

 

Your husband will find his way just like millions of other divorced people do.

[SmartWoman321]

I would also suggest that this disconnect is not ENTIRELY her H's fault either...she's admitted to at least one EA...which (as most of us have experienced) will absolutely destroy the emotional intimacy in a marriage...

 

Ok- had to jump in- in my case, there WAS NO emotional intimacy in my marriage for YEARS before the brief EA, so that was not an issue here.

 

 

regardless of whether or not anyone ever found out about it.

 

I don't believe that there's enough here to rebuild from...she clearly doesn't love him, and no longer wants him in any fashion. And that's ok...but it doesn't make a choice to have an affair ok.

 

I have never said it was "OK" to have one. Again, this wouldn't neccessarily stop me. We have all done things that are nto ok, even on purpose.

 

Given that he's indicated to her that he (and she!) considers it cheating since they're still married...clearly he doesn't agree with her idea to go hook up with someone else while he's still sleeping with her...it's a no-brainer to tell her not to do it.

 

This is all true except for one thing- it makes no difference and is of no significance that we are sleeping in the same bed. There is a devision of pillows down the middle. We never wander into the others territory.

 

But I get the distinct impression that she couldn't care less about hurting him, or anyone else for that matter, as long as she gets what she wants out of the situation.

 

Now this is why I had to jump in- this couldn't be further from the truth. The reason I ended the EA was to avoid hurting others. The reason I let him move back in and am nice to him is, in part, to avoid hurting him. The reason I STAYED in the marriage for the last 10 years was to avoid hurting him. The reason I saw an IC for 8 MONTHS once a WEEK was to get over the guilt of HURTING him so that I could gather the strength to tell him I was going to file for divorce. The reason I want to keep any and all AFFAIRS secret is to avoid hurting him. The reason I come home every day is to avoid hurting him. So PLEASE, do not insinuate that I couldn't care less if I hurt him. Thats not the type of person I am.

[taylor]

EDIT: Meant to say STBXH/Ws don't live together in the same house and sleep in the same bed.

[Dexter Morgan]

So PLEASE, do not insinuate that I couldn't care less if I hurt him. Thats not the type of person I am.

 

Ok, so lets give you the benefit of the doubt on this one.

 

So answer me this, what kind of person are you to not care whether your affair partner is married or not?

[SmartWoman321]

Well you do realize this is an infidelity forum where, for the most part, people come for help in coping with a partner that is having an affair and can be viewed as pretty much offensive?

 

Perhaps the better forum for this would be the OW/OM forum. They cater to people who want to have an affair.

 

 

Oh my gosh. No, I did not realize. I am sorry people.

I should have researched where I was posting a little bit better.

Forgive me, I will find another board.

[Dexter Morgan]

Oh my gosh. No, I did not realize. I am sorry people.

I should have researched where I was posting a little bit better.

Forgive me, I will find another board.

 

Well not this site in general, I meant just this section.

 

I do try to stay out of the OW/OM section. I don't like getting s##t on my shoes.

[SmartWoman321]

A casual search on match dot com in fact revealed 21 pages of men in Michigan whose marital status is "currently separated."

 

A casual search of SmartWoman's posts also revealed she is on anti-depressant medication and has a long history of counseling...I sense that she's using this forum to vent whereas her real issues probably best are addressed by a professional.

 

Ok- this is kind of low- indicating that I am some sort of lunatic. Yes, I was put on an antidepressant (lowest dose) by my doc at MY request when I allowed my H to move back in- so that I wouldn't walk around crying all day! Is there something wrong with that? Sheesh! And no, I don't need them addressed by a "professional"- I was in MC and IC for the last few years. I am a strong, outgoing, independant professional. But I am in a "situation" just like everyone here is, in some way or another.

 

Speaking of which, I did not find any mention of spiritual counseling by a minister or priest. Indeed, perhaps there are issues in this case which should be addressed by spiritual counseling. I recall a reference to Retrouvaille dot org in a previous post.

 

I don't know what that is- but I DID have spiritual consultation with my Minister twice- once about 3 years ago and again right before I filed.

[taylor]

Now this is why I had to jump in- this couldn't be further from the truth. The reason I ended the EA was to avoid hurting others. The reason I let him move back in and am nice to him is, in part, to avoid hurting him. The reason I STAYED in the marriage for the last 10 years was to avoid hurting him. The reason I saw an IC for 8 MONTHS once a WEEK was to get over the guilt of HURTING him so that I could gather the strength to tell him I was going to file for divorce. The reason I want to keep any and all AFFAIRS secret is to avoid hurting him. The reason I come home every day is to avoid hurting him. So PLEASE, do not insinuate that I couldn't care less if I hurt him. Thats not the type of person I am.

 

The thing is you are hurting your husband the most by holding on to him.

 

You would do him the biggest favor by walking away from him NOW.

 

In the short term he may not see this as a favor.

 

But in the long run, after he meets someone who CAN love him 100 percent and who will NOT think of him as a brother, he will realize the divorce was the best thing that could have happened to him.

 

You are holding him back from finding true happiness. Give him the freedom to find it. Right now he is too weak to walk away from you so you have to be the one to walk away from him. Do it because you care about him enough to want him to be able to find happiness with someone else.

 

Does this make sense to you?

[SmartWoman321]

Ok, so lets give you the benefit of the doubt on this one.

 

So answer me this, what kind of person are you to not care whether your affair partner is married or not?

 

The only reason I said that is that I was thinking of a married man who might be in a miserable situation that he couldn't escape from, just like me- one who's marriage is already over, perhaps one on his way to filing...I certainly didn't mean someone who is happily married! Besides, I can't imagine that a happily married man would be looking anyway! Hm....plus, honestly, if one is to get into an affair, a married man would be more liely to be discreet and keep his mouth shut.

 

ANYWAY -PEOPLE- Listen up- after all of this stuff in response to my original post, you will be happy to know that I am putting the whole idea of an affiar on the back burner- probably will never do it! I made my stupid bed and now I have to lie in it- miserable or not.

 

OK??? I am sure veryone is pleased as punch about it.But I am obviously still miserable, probably more so- now that I let the one little dream of cheering up my life fly out the window.

 

OK? SO NO affair!!!

[Dexter Morgan]

Oh my gosh. No, I did not realize. I am sorry people.

I should have researched where I was posting a little bit better.

Forgive me, I will find another board.

 

also, anyone can post here if they want, but knowing the types of posters that this forum was mainly designed for are people coping with an affair or being betrayed....a post asking for advice on how to find affair partners, and especially married affair partners, isn't going to be well received.

[travelgirl]

And then I saw this.

 

Geez, where do you people come from? You know, I might be able to understand a smidge about people becoming attracted to someone married....but actually LOOKING for someone and don't care if they are married or not?

 

Despicable.

 

Dexter, I rarely say this but I agree with you 100%

 

 

To the OP, you still haven't acknowledged whether you think your teen kids would be "clueless" thru all of this. Do you know how humiliated they would be to find out their mom let their dad back in the house only to slut it around with other men behind everyone's back - could you imagine it running thru their schools and the torment they would receive? And just because you know of one single person whose affair wasn't exposed, doesn't mean yours won't be. And like Owl said, how would this affect your company if you can't be divorced but helping out your ex - but you could have an affair and all would be okay? Doesn't make sense.

 

I get that you need love and attention, everyone does, but you chose this path to let your H back into your home and bed and technically he is still legally and now physically your husband. You can't just decide to do all that and play this game with your family/friends and then go behind all their backs for some sex. You might feel good in the beginning but overall it won't feel right, it could jeopordize your custody, your business, your family and friends respect. Is it really worth it?

[SmartWoman321]

The thing is you are hurting your husband the most by holding on to him.

 

No , not at all- I am HELPING him- you must understand that he also has checked out of this marriage - he appreciates that I canceled the D so he would have a plce to live.

 

You would do him the biggest favor by walking away from him NOW.

 

Again, it would ruin any life he has left if I did that. SO I can't.

 

In the short term he may not see this as a favor.

 

But in the long run, after he meets someone who CAN love him 100 percent and who will NOT think of him as a brother, he will realize the divorce was the best thing that could have happened to him.

 

I hope and pray that this will happen to him someday! But we have to wait until he can make it on his own before we seperate again- we have talked baout this and we both agree.

 

You are holding him back from finding true happiness. Give him the freedom to find it.

 

I DID_ for an entire year! But unfortunetly, we had to put personal happiness on the back burner, move back intogether for a while to be able to keep him in a home - for the kids sake.

 

 

 

Right now he is too weak to walk away from you so you have to be the one to walk away from him. Do it because you care about him enough to want him to be able to find happiness with someone else.

 

You don't undwerstand- if I "walked away", he would have no where to go! he cannot afford the house on his own, nor another place on his own- we treid that!

 

Does this make sense to you?

 

YES- but does what I said make sense to you?

[Dexter Morgan]

The only reason I said that is that I was thinking of a married man who might be in a miserable situation that he couldn't escape from

 

Anyone can get out of a miserable situation, they'd just rather cheat than grow the intestinal fortitude to leave a R or divorce.

 

And of course people who cheat are going to say they are in a miserable marriage. Most are smart enough to know that they aren't going to garner sympathy from a f##k partner if they say, "I love my wife and am completely happy in my marriage...I just want to get laid.":o

 

I'm sure some people are truly miserable....if so, then get out of the M.

 

And even if they are miserable, it doesn't justify f#####g someone elses spouse. The WS may just be someone that gets bored with having sex with the same person and wants someone new and that equates to misery to them.

 

 

, just like me- one who's marriage is already over, perhaps one on his way to filing...I certainly didn't mean someone who is happily married! Besides, I can't imagine that a happily married man would be looking anyway! Hm....plus, honestly, if one is to get into an affair, a married man would be more liely to be discreet and keep his mouth shut.

 

Well if you ever bed down a married man, I hope his wife finds out.

[SmartWoman321]

I get that you need love and attention, everyone does, but you chose this path to let your H back into your home and bed and technically he is still legally and now physically your husband. You can't just decide to do all that and play this game with your family/friends and then go behind all their backs for some sex. You might feel good in the beginning but overall it won't feel right, it could jeopordize your custody, your business, your family and friends respect. Is it really worth it?

 

No, it wouldn't be worth it ofcoarse, if it didn't work out right- ok people, you have succeeded to scare the sh** out of me as far as pursuing an affair (although my girlfriend has managed just fine for a year or more).....

[SmartWoman321]

OK- everyone- thanks for the advice and I have gotten a llot to think about- but please stop posting now. I have a hard time not replying when I see a post and I have a hard time not looking to read if anyone has responded! LOL- Yes, I peek at Xmas presents too----

 

I made the mistake on posting on the wrong kind of board and it was probably upsetting to people who are in a loving relationship and have been betrayed by the one that they love. I would hate that if it happened to me.

I can't imagine it because I wouldn't really care if my H cheated, because of my marital situation.

So.....

Please don't post anymore. Like I said, I am reconsidering my choice to pursure an affair--at least I will think about it some more and it is becfause of what I have read on this board today.

SO good job people!!!!

:-)

[taylor]

SmartWoman,

 

There are millions of people who struggle financially when they divorce. Many are young mothers with no viable skills trying to raise small children with little or no support from deadbeat fathers.

 

Surely if THEY can find their way in the world, your husband can.

 

Tell your husband you want to start dating and you want to work out a solution that will solve your problem (getting your needs met) and his problem (homelessness).

 

You should not be held hostage by your husband's financial situation.

 

He's a big boy. He's not an 18 year old single mother with an infant in her arms trying to chase down child support and working at McD's.

[65tr6]

He's a big boy. He's not an 18 year old single mother with an infant in her arms trying to chase down child support and working at McD's.

taylor is right....You could be surprised by your husband's reaction. Probably change your life forever.

[Luce]

Probably too late for your relationship but it may be worth checking if your husband has Aspergers. Specific counseling is available for dealing with the effect on relationships.

[Athena]

Probably too late for your relationship but it may be worth checking if your husband has Aspergers. Specific counseling is available for dealing with the effect on relationships.

 

I asked the OP what her H's diagnosis was, but she never replied... I was thinking it is odd that he is such a 'hands-on' and 'involved father' but when it comes to having an emotional connection with his W, he has a mystery "emotional disability".... hmmmmm

[Reggie]

A couple thibgs confuse me. First, if your H is incapable of emotional intimacy, how is it that he is so close to his kids? Does not make sense to me.

As for martyrdom, what about the fact that you cheated in the past? Seems to be a bit of a hinderance to cannonization.

 

And ,this whole inability to simply live with a divorced partner. why ,exactly, is that such a big problem. You could tell your kids that you are now divorced and living together as roomates,friends or whatever without physical intimacy. It would benefit them to be around their dad more and you would not be modeling anything that seems so terrible.

Finally, as others have mentioned, why include married men as potential partners? There would be damage to their families and the logistics and chances of detection seem increased.

This whole plan and your rational seem ill conceived.

You could just as easily divorce, be truthful with your kids and spouse and find a legitimate realtionship . Why complicate things?

[Athena]

Why complicate things?

 

Because her married best friend is bragging about getting away with shagging a MM and SHE thinks that's UNFAIR since she has martyred herself and now wants some fun and doesn't think she should abide by any rules if no one finds out she's breaking them... interesting, hey? She wishes to keep up the 'front' of being moral, conning all her clients, but all the while is actively 'keeping an eye' out for ANY willing man!

 

You know what they say about Character, don't you? <Character is what you do when you believe that nobody is watching you>

[Reggie]

I agere with you, Athena. It is very hard to reconcile her alleged martyrdom with her aspirations and lack of a conscience. Seems very cowardly, frankly, not to mention cruel and dishonest.

I think Smart's mindset is a prime example of what a "foggy"(whatever that is) WS can convince him/herself of.

I cannot imagine having already cheated in the past, how one could characterize herself as a martyr.

And, as has been pointed out, her charcterization of her H is inconsitent. One thing I have learned after years of trying cases and cross examining witnesses is that these little inconsistencies are huge red flags for preverication. If one digs, from independent sources or other who(like the kids or other family members) the lying is uncovered.

The reality is that Samrt has a history fo cheating and a desire to continue while maintaining a facade for her clients and community. Her past actions are not those of a martyr. Her association with and apparent admiration for a woman that is cheating, lying and hurting her spouse speaks volumes.