Author SmartWoman321 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 My main concern is that you will do something dumb and fall for a married man and end up destroying TWO marriages instead of just one. Honestly, I have serious doubts that I would even have an opportunity. I am basically a soccor mom (although a nice lookin one, I think :-) I truely have not met anyone in the year I was seperated nor even lately- I go out with my single lady freinds now and again, and I have kept an "eye" out- but there are no men in this town! At least none in my age range that are available- if they are, I sure don't know where to find them. I would BE so lucky to find ANYONE who would want to get involved- in ANY capacity! Then you WOULD be a cheap slut, and I don't think you are. No, I am not. I am actually quite expensive. LOL (JK) You are in a bad situation. Everyone needs and deserves emotional and physical outlets, but there is an honest way and a dishonest way. To have an affair with a married man, will only cause hurt to someone you don't even know, and make your problems much, much, worse . so please find a single man, explain the Whole problem to him, and see where it goes. Yep- this is the best way to go, I know. Now, I should BE so lucky! Make ABSOLUTELY sure that you communicate ALL this to your H, no- I would never do that. then you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you have been honest and straightforward with him. But you have GOT to do something about the bed situation. If I were a single man and we became close, I could understand the financial problem and the desire to protect the children, but I think I would have a problem with you two still sleeping in the same bed. I COULD fix you up with my brother-in-law, but you have enough problems. Well, honestly, if I DID meet someone, then yes, I would probably do something about the bed situation, if the person I met had an issue with it. But I will cross that bridge if I come to it.
Athena Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 What is your hurry? If you have waited 5 years in your M, why not wait a little longer? You can clearly see problems with your H, your Business, and your children if you go ahead and have an A... so why not wait until your H finds a job, moves out, and you get a divorce?
Author SmartWoman321 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 SM, You have mentioned married men three or four times in your posts. You seem obsessed. Do You WANT to be dishonest? Do you want to destroy someone's marriage,because your own is so bad? You pay lip service, saying you hate cheaters, you 're not a cheap slut, etc, then tell about your"friend's" 2 yr affair, and how "secret" it is, as if that is something to be proud of. If you continue to think this way, you are well on your way to being as cheap, and disgusting as she is. I don't approve of my friends affair with the married guy (she has recently filed for D though and the married guy will be soon)- my point was that it CAN be done without anyone knowing about it. SOmeone said it is always found out- and this isn't neccessarily true. I am not "obsessed" with married OR single men- I really don't care which one - I just see advantages to each and disadvantages to each. Again, I haven't fooled around yet and I am not asking to be reamed or yelled at...just sharing thoughts. ANd again, nope- I do NOT want to destroy anyones marriage. I would just like to have some companionship, romance and affection while I bide my time until I can get out of this marriage- whcih I am staying in for the benifit of providing a father for my kids and a home from a man I care about (as a brother). Like I said, if I end up pursuing an affair, I would PREFER a single guy.
Author SmartWoman321 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 What is your hurry? If you have waited 5 years in your M, why not wait a little longer? You can clearly see problems with your H, your Business, and your children if you go ahead and have an A... so why not wait until your H finds a job, moves out, and you get a divorce? Yes, I know- I have been telling myself to "wait longer" forever it seems! I am tired of wating! I am not getting any younger!
Owl Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 If your business would be devestated by people knowing that you're only living with your H, and not working on reconciliating your marriage...what would be the impacts if word got out that you were having an affair? It doesn't matter who you bring in...you're exponentially increasing the odds of the "truth" getting out if you bring in someone else into the equation. Far, far more so if he's married...because he could well get caught by his wife. If the real issue here is protecting your income and saving your business...and you know that your H would consider it cheating if you slept with someone else...then you need to proceed with the divorce ASAP. And your H needs to immediately move out and deal with his own problems. That's what divorce is all about. This IS black and white...you're either married...or you're not. Trying to be one, and PRETEND to be the other...is all going to lead to shambles and devestation for EVERYONE involved. I get that you're "lonely"...but as long as you're in the financial situation you're in, and that is your priority...that's simply a side affect of your choices. One other thought...why would you want to run the risk of destroying ANOTHER marriage and/or family by cheating with another married person? Then, you're not only risking your OWN situation...you're risking theirs as well. Would you not care about the potential damages to HIS family, friends, well-being? Bottom line...either fix the situation you're in, or tough it out til it's completely over. Trying to play the kind of trick you're suggesting is a greater risk than just toughing it out til it's safe to end your marriage.
Athena Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 you will not wait forever, but you will save yourself from getting into a very Messy problem.
Author SmartWoman321 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 How long are you going to live like this? good question. Well, when I decided to tell H that I would cancel the D so he could move back in so we could save money and also see where his job situation ends up, I kind of had a time frome in my mind of 1-3 years. He knows this as well. WHen Mar 4 passed by last week, I spent the whole day on the verge of tears- that was the divorce date and I was so depressed that it went by, after waiting the 6 months, living apart successfully, joining my divorcecare group, making new freinds, and having a mindset on being single again...went thru all the pain, all the IC...and here the date came and went and I am back to the same situation again. It was hard for me, I felt like such a failure on one hand- not that I failed in my marriage (I have forgiven myself and him for that) but that I failed in the divorce! sheesh! As I've said before you really have to take a step back before you can move forward. Things are never as bad as you think they're going to be. Bankruptcy is not the end of the world. (I've been there) I know your in a lot of pain and feel like you're in an untenable situation but perhaps your energy should be spent trying to correct your situation. Don't you think an affair will just add more stress to your life? Hm...another good qestion- but I was in a brief EA for a while a couple years ago and I will tell you that I was a much happier person - I did my job better, was a better mom- just was happier and more cheerful all around! SO, no, I don't think it would add any more stress then my situation already has. ANd it would be great to get physical with someone again! :-)
Lizzie60 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I totally understand you.. I've been there.. but my situation was different. He could support himself financially. I had absolutely no feelings for him anymore.. so I left.. but if I would have been in a situation like yours.. most likely I would have cheated. I say.. go for it.. just don't get emotionally involved .. even with a single guy.. just enjoy the romance, the sex, the physical closeness.. etc.. just don't get attached.. It's very doable.. trust me.. btdt.. still doing it.. Have fun.. life is too short.. you're doing your H a favour.. you'll be happier and your kids will be happier too. No one has to know anything.. this is your life.. your H knows that it's already finished.. so he has to live with it.. you're doing him a huge favour... and he probably knows that. Ashley Madisson is a website for attached people looking for attached people.... Good luck!
z1850 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Interestingly enough, I am in exactly the same situation as your husband. My wife committed adultery, and I can't afford to leave yet, so we sleep in separate rooms. In my case, I chose to make money by day trading stocks. If you could let your husband play with some risk capital, he easily could make $1 per share in a good trading room with a professional-level brokerage account and software. This is probably the best way to get rid of him (humanely). Of course, there is an easier way, and that is simply to be reconciled with your husband. Probably the best and fastest way to do this is to have sex with him. There's nothing wrong with that--he's your husband! I really find your assertion that "he has an emotional disability" and is unable to be physically or emotionally expressive somewhat unbelievable. That only would be the case with schizoid personality disorder. You need to love your husband--even if he doesn't love you. My prediction is that he will repond quickly to genuine caring & concern. Try it! Remember, adultery is basically a selfish act, which in many cases is the culmination of years of spousal neglect. This kind of situation can be reversed by building momentum in the other direction, and meeting your husband's emotional and physical needs. By doing so, you will discover that lo and behold, your own needs are met as well.
Athena Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Hm...another good qestion- but I was in a brief EA for a while a couple years ago and I will tell you that I was a much happier person - I did my job better, was a better mom- just was happier and more cheerful all around! SO, no, I don't think it would add any more stress then my situation already has. ANd it would be great to get physical with someone again! :-) That's short-sighted of you, you are just looking for a quick-fix to feel better right now. Why not Plan your life and not take such unnecessary risks? Heck, I would rather have sex with my husband who is in my bed for now, than try find some arbitrary man to have a one night stand (at least) or an affair (at most)..... so what if you are not feeling romantic with him? Put him to good use!:lmao:
Lizzie60 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 That's short-sighted of you, you are just looking for a quick-fix to feel better right now. Why not Plan your life and not take such unnecessary risks? Heck, I would rather have sex with my husband who is in my bed for now, then try find some arbitrary man to have a one night stand (at least) or an affair (at most)..... so what if you are not feeling romantic with him? Put him to good use!:lmao: Trust me.. it's different.. I was in the same situation .. I just couldn't stand him anymore.. He was like a brother.. Would you have sex with your brother? No.. well it feels the same... ewwww.. A different partner is the only way for her to get good sex.
Author SmartWoman321 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 If your business would be devestated by people knowing that you're only living with your H, and not working on reconciliating your marriage...what would be the impacts if word got out that you were having an affair? well, I would deny it. But the point being that I would not risk having it in this small town- would go outside the town. If my freind can keep it a secret for 2 years, I could too. I am much more consciences then she is. It doesn't matter who you bring in...you're exponentially increasing the odds of the "truth" getting out if you bring in someone else into the equation. Far, far more so if he's married...because he could well get caught by his wife. yes. I know. Believe me, I am considering all of this. Whats so funny is that I am stressing out about all of this and I bet I couldn't even FIND someone to cheat with if I tried! If the real issue here is protecting your income and saving your business...and you know that your H would consider it cheating if you slept with someone else...then you need to proceed with the divorce ASAP. And your H needs to immediately move out and deal with his own problems. unfortunately his problems are MY problems because they affect my children. My kids have a very close relationship with their dad. If he can't afford to be on his own, he is homeless or has to move out of state. I cannot let my kids deal with that. No way. That's what divorce is all about. This IS black and white...you're either married...or you're not. Trying to be one, and PRETEND to be the other...is all going to lead to shambles and devestation for EVERYONE involved. yes, I know. But crap- other people do it! Why can't I! Why do I have to be left out of it! UUGGHH! Not fair! Not fair! I get that you're "lonely"...but as long as you're in the financial situation you're in, and that is your priority...that's simply a side affect of your choices. One other thought...why would you want to run the risk of destroying ANOTHER marriage and/or family by cheating with another married person? Then, you're not only risking your OWN situation...you're risking theirs as well. Would you not care about the potential damages to HIS family, friends, well-being? well, if I became involved with a married man, I suppose I would have to let him b=worry about that....I have enough to worry about! Bottom line...either fix the situation you're in, or tough it out til it's completely over. I know this is probably what I will have to do. But honestly, if I met someone I was attracted to tomorrow, I wouldn't hesitate to consider things...... Trying to play the kind of trick you're suggesting is a greater risk than just toughing it out til it's safe to end your marriage. I am not trying to play a trick. I am trying to get some of my unmet needs met, without hurting anyone. My freind can do it, why can't I??? again- not fair! not fair!
Author SmartWoman321 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 Trust me.. it's different.. I was in the same situation .. I just couldn't stand him anymore.. He was like a brother.. Would you have sex with your brother? No.. well it feels the same... ewwww.. A different partner is the only way for her to get good sex. yeah- believe me, no amount of booze can spark me to sleep with him anymore. I just can't. We have always been completly sexually incompatable (and also intellectually, emotionally, socially, spiritually)...I never enjoyed sex with him anyway. No, I would have a one nighter or go without forever before I would get physical with him again. ALthough, that said, he IS a nice guy. But he is exactly like a brother to me. And if you haven't felt this way, you cannot understand how it is.
Owl Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Wow...all I got out of your response was "I...I...I...I...I....I". None of this is YOUR problem. What happens to your H, doesn't matter. What happens to anyone else...doesn't matter. Maybe you care about some impacts to your kids, but you'll fix those later. There's no possible advice anyone can give you here to help your situation. Just get in your car, drive to a bar in a city a short distance away, and shaboink whomever catches your eye first....and consequences be darned. If you're just asking how to hook up with someone, there are websites that are designed entirely around that idea...you'd be far better served simply abandoning this site and opting for those. People here are more likely to try to HELP you rather than hook you up with someone at everyone else's expense. And that is clearly NOT what you're looking for...you're probably wasting your time here.
Author SmartWoman321 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 Interestingly enough, I am in exactly the same situation as your husband. My wife committed adultery, and I can't afford to leave yet, so we sleep in separate rooms. In my case, I chose to make money by day trading stocks. If you could let your husband play with some risk capital, he easily could make $1 per share in a good trading room with a professional-level brokerage account and software. This is probably the best way to get rid of him (humanely). My husband doesn't even know what a stock is! he has a day job- the one thats going under eventually. He took a couple of risks with our money before and lost it all- I would trust him with my Dress Up Barbie wallet, let alone money to invest with! Of course, there is an easier way, and that is simply to be reconciled with your husband. Probably the best and fastest way to do this is to have sex with him. LOL- yeah- thats a man talkin! Have sex with them and they think the whole relationship is fixed! I can't reconcile, there is nothing to reconcile. I have no feelings for him and I never will. I tried, I really did- tried thru MC, tried for YEARS- never came. I am not interested. There's nothing wrong with that--he's your husband! I really find your assertion that "he has an emotional disability" and is unable to be physically or emotionally expressive somewhat unbelievable. No- its true. He continues IC to deal with it all. That only would be the case with schizoid personality disorder. Not true. You need to love your husband--even if he doesn't love you. Oh really? LOL- I don't "need" to love anybody! ANd I can't force myself to love someone whom I don't. I thought everyone learned that in grade school? You can't force someone to love you. period My prediction is that he will repond quickly to genuine caring & concern. Try it! Believe me, I spent 15 years of marriage trying it- doesn't work! At least not in my case! Remember, adultery is basically a selfish act, yep- thats ok. I deserve to be a little selfish I think, considering the rest of my life is pure martyrdom at this point. which in many cases is the culmination of years of spousal neglect. This kind of situation can be reversed by building momentum in the other direction, and meeting your husband's emotional and physical needs. By doing so, you will discover that lo and behold, your own needs are met as well. Oh- if it were true. But its not. 2 years of MC showed us this. really, its ok. SOmetimes this just happens. I married the wrong guy and he married the wrong girl. We both know this. Its ok.
Author SmartWoman321 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 Wow...all I got out of your response was "I...I...I...I...I....I". None of this is YOUR problem. What happens to your H, doesn't matter. What happens to anyone else...doesn't matter. Maybe you care about some impacts to your kids, but you'll fix those later. There's no possible advice anyone can give you here to help your situation. Just get in your car, drive to a bar in a city a short distance away, and shaboink whomever catches your eye first....and consequences be darned. If you're just asking how to hook up with someone, there are websites that are designed entirely around that idea...you'd be far better served simply abandoning this site and opting for those. People here are more likely to try to HELP you rather than hook you up with someone at everyone else's expense. And that is clearly NOT what you're looking for...you're probably wasting your time here. Ok, I will stop posting then, but I don't see it as a waste of time- maybe I am just in the wrong subtopic or something. Either way- it wasn't a waste of time for me, I definetly got some good thoughts from the posters- certainly gave me more to think about and thats what I was hoping for. Thanks everyone! :-)
jj33 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Dont kid yourself. Unless your business is exceptionally local, a town or two is not enough. I thought NOONE knew about me and MM. It turns out 2 guessed to my face. Who knows how many others guessed but were just too polite to say anything. At least one I can think of. I can tell by the look on his face when MMs name comes up in conversation - the look says I know... (even tho there is nothing to know anymore and hasnt been for more well over a year almost 2) It only takes someone seeing you walk in somewhere you shouldnt be etc etc. I get why you would want to do this as a short term solution, but its risky professionally.
z1850 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I still don't understand why SmartWoman can't at least snuggle up to her own husband in her own bed, and just talk. That seems to be a better way to address the issue of his "emotional disability" than marriage counseling. This meets emotional needs in the way God intended for them to be met, without resorting to adultery. It seems that simply lying on your husband's shoulder and talking is the best way to receive the same kind of attention in return.
Athena Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Smartwoman, since your husband is in therapy, and he's had his emotional disability confirmed, what is the diagnosis?
Owl Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I would also suggest that this disconnect is not ENTIRELY her H's fault either...she's admitted to at least one EA...which (as most of us have experienced) will absolutely destroy the emotional intimacy in a marriage...regardless of whether or not anyone ever found out about it. I don't believe that there's enough here to rebuild from...she clearly doesn't love him, and no longer wants him in any fashion. And that's ok...but it doesn't make a choice to have an affair ok. Given that he's indicated to her that he (and she!) considers it cheating since they're still married...clearly he doesn't agree with her idea to go hook up with someone else while he's still sleeping with her...it's a no-brainer to tell her not to do it. But I get the distinct impression that she couldn't care less about hurting him, or anyone else for that matter, as long as she gets what she wants out of the situation.
wanthimbackwithme Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Why would you want an affair with a married man? Would wrecking a marriage make it OK?......................
Lizzie60 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I still don't understand why SmartWoman can't at least snuggle up to her own husband in her own bed, and just talk. That seems to be a better way to address the issue of his "emotional disability" than marriage counseling. This meets emotional needs in the way God intended for them to be met, without resorting to adultery. It seems that simply lying on your husband's shoulder and talking is the best way to receive the same kind of attention in return. Maybe that would be fine for some people.. maybe she did that already for many years.. maybe she's fed up with him.. maybe she wants excitement, feelings, to be sexually desired..maybe she wants to be finally f*ck like there were no tomorrow.. .. bottom line... would YOU have sex with your brother? that's how she felt (and that's exactly how I felt) about her H... she's done.. over.. fini..i.i.i... Why can't people understand that sometimes people marry for the wrong reasons.. and end up like brother and sister.. where there is no hope for passion and love anymore.. Smart.. just be careful who you choose... put the cards on the table... no commitment.. and enjoy yourself.. Never mind what people think!
Lizzie60 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Why would you want an affair with a married man? Would wrecking a marriage make it OK?...................... Who's saying she would wreck someone else's marriage... I have been seeing MMs for years.. and I never wrecked any marriage.. I think, quite the opposite.. I've probably helped some..
Dexter Morgan Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I do not want to be judged, yelled at or told that I am a home-wrecker, immoral, slutty or anything. I am not posting to be reamed. Just want to hear thoughts. Well you do realize this is an infidelity forum where, for the most part, people come for help in coping with a partner that is having an affair and can be viewed as pretty much offensive? Perhaps the better forum for this would be the OW/OM forum. They cater to people who want to have an affair.
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