vince1128 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Me and this girl at my school have had a very close connection since the beginning of the year.back in nov. we started escalating and kissing and then i stopped talking to her for months because she didnt want a relationship and I did. Now, Im talking to her again and we love eachothers company. The reason she bailed the first time is she has been (which i knew about but didnt realize they had a big connection) writing journals back and forth to some guy who lives in another state. Were seniors in HS and I'd love to be able to date her but we talked about it again last night. She said as much as it sucks she cant lose feelings for the other person. She slept in my bed the other night, we have such a close connection, and shes said it too. She said if the guy wasnt around we could date, etc.. but its coming to the end of our senior year and I feel like I'm always going to regret not trying a relationship with her. Is there anything I can do? I told her last night that unfortunately if she cannot be exclusive with me I cant be with her and she said she understood but wants me to keep her informed... SO its just a bad situation. anything I can do?
Geishawhelk Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I told her last night that unfortunately if she cannot be exclusive with me I cant be with her You did exactly the right thing, and I think you are 100% right to be this way. It shows integrity, dignity and elf-respect. Good for you!! You've earnt yourself a big fat pat on the back from Geisha!! (That's a hint: You should be honoured! ) and she said she understood but wants me to keep her informed... She wants you to keep her informed....? WTF...?? Excuse me, but - Shouldn't it be the other way round? She should inform you when she's not dealing with feelings for him, not have you running after her! That's what she wants. Him AND you. She wants the bounce between you two guys because attention from two, is twice the fun and good for her Ego.... SO its just a bad situation. anything I can do? No, I really think you've done the only thing you can do. If a lady's focussed, that's one thing. But if her gaze is wandering - leave well alone......
Author vince1128 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 You did exactly the right thing, and I think you are 100% right to be this way. It shows integrity, dignity and elf-respect. Good for you!! You've earnt yourself a big fat pat on the back from Geisha!! (That's a hint: You should be honoured! ) She wants you to keep her informed....? WTF...?? Excuse me, but - Shouldn't it be the other way round? She should inform you when she's not dealing with feelings for him, not have you running after her! That's what she wants. Him AND you. She wants the bounce between you two guys because attention from two, is twice the fun and good for her Ego.... No, I really think you've done the only thing you can do. If a lady's focussed, that's one thing. But if her gaze is wandering - leave well alone...... Thanks geisha! Were still going to remain basically friends with benefits which I should be happy about but she's the type of girl I could c myself dating. You made a very good point about the ego thing and me keeping her informed. How can I switch the frame in this situation? She also wants to kiss but not expect it all the time. She's trying to keep the power and I want to change that.
kdark Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Thanks geisha! Were still going to remain basically friends with benefits which I should be happy about but she's the type of girl I could c myself dating. You made a very good point about the ego thing and me keeping her informed. How can I switch the frame in this situation? She also wants to kiss but not expect it all the time. She's trying to keep the power and I want to change that. She wants to keep you around since you are comforting her in the here and now, but she's really holding out for the guy she is journaling. You are basically playing second fiddle to the guy who has her heart, the guy she is journaling. If I were you, I would stop kissing. It's just giving you a false sense that she may want to date you, when let's face it, she's just not that into you. And what do you mean, friends with benefits? Are you two having sex?
Author vince1128 Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 She wants to keep you around since you are comforting her in the here and now, but she's really holding out for the guy she is journaling. You are basically playing second fiddle to the guy who has her heart, the guy she is journaling. If I were you, I would stop kissing. It's just giving you a false sense that she may want to date you, when let's face it, she's just not that into you. And what do you mean, friends with benefits? Are you two having sex? Were not but close to it.. Seems like she realizes the shes never gonna see the guy again though and her behavior is starting to reflect that. The first time i went through this with this girl I did what you just mentioned and stopped kissing(/ talking entirely)but now I'm going to try and be more physical with her. I figure if i have the oppurtunity mine as well. but I dont want her to think im the "second fiddle" i want to turn the frame completely around. How could I? would it come off as im getting played?
confused_2008 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Were not but close to it.. Seems like she realizes the shes never gonna see the guy again though and her behavior is starting to reflect that. The first time i went through this with this girl I did what you just mentioned and stopped kissing(/ talking entirely)but now I'm going to try and be more physical with her. I figure if i have the oppurtunity mine as well. but I dont want her to think im the "second fiddle" i want to turn the frame completely around. How could I? would it come off as im getting played? You don't seem to be getting it. You got a mega compliment from Geisha saying you did the right thing before, but now you keep banging your head against the wall with this. You're not really a friend with benefits to her. You're an ego boost. If she's that interested in you (which it appears she's not, btw ) she's not going to forget about you. In fact, you being scarce can only work in your benefit. Girls lose respect when you're at their beck and call.
Author vince1128 Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 You don't seem to be getting it. You got a mega compliment from Geisha saying you did the right thing before, but now you keep banging your head against the wall with this. You're not really a friend with benefits to her. You're an ego boost. If she's that interested in you (which it appears she's not, btw ) she's not going to forget about you. In fact, you being scarce can only work in your benefit. Girls lose respect when you're at their beck and call. Ok I understand that. I never am the one initiating contact and I feel like I could still hook up with her on occasion and not kiss her everytime we see eachother. (which is how we normally act) i dont want to stop doing this, its fun. Since im an ego boost, is it wrong if I keep hooking up with her, understanding theres no relationship undertones or anything?
P ness Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Vince buddy its sounds so similar to my junior year. In my situation, I'm sorry to say, the chick was using me as a comfort blanket. She felt comfortable with me because I was a good listener. She knew her secrets were safe with me. Little did I know, this was terrible! I entered the feared friend zone. This happened for that entire year. It was painful but I was inexperienced at the time. Its easy for me to recognize it now. I'm happy that you are experiencing this now to get it over with. Long story short, I hardly see her around and never talk to her anymore. (not sure if thats what you wanted to hear) Its fine she knows you want to date her but in her mind she knows you are going to stick around as a friend. Why? Because when it got to hot for her she ran and when it cooled down you were right there where she left you. She knows you wont leave, no matter what. I'm glad you told her that she must be exclusive with you. Perfect! So my advice is back off for awhile. College (assuming you are going and you should) is coming up and this poem pansy pen pal will fade away soon enough. And if nothing happens between you guys, don't regret not trying because you already did! She knows how you feel but thats not a free pass for you to get her as your girlfriend. If it was I want everyone to know that I am in love with Brooklyn Decker! Just kind of back off, take things easy and have a good time with your buddies during the last few weeks of school! Its senior year for **** sake! Peace man, and I report back with updates!
confused_2008 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Ok I understand that. I never am the one initiating contact and I feel like I could still hook up with her on occasion and not kiss her everytime we see eachother. (which is how we normally act) i dont want to stop doing this, its fun. Since im an ego boost, is it wrong if I keep hooking up with her, understanding theres no relationship undertones or anything? I've never been in a FWB situation, but the way it looks to me, you're not going to be able to elevate this to a full blown relationship by doing what you're doing. You have to understand she's getting exactly what she wants from you and it seems like you want more. If you want more you have to tell her no more of whatever you two are currently doing until she makes up her mind. On the other hand, if you are fine with FWB and can come to terms with the fact that it won't be more than that, by all means keep hooking up with her.
Author vince1128 Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 I've never been in a FWB situation, but the way it looks to me, you're not going to be able to elevate this to a full blown relationship by doing what you're doing. You have to understand she's getting exactly what she wants from you and it seems like you want more. If you want more you have to tell her no more of whatever you two are currently doing until she makes up her mind. On the other hand, if you are fine with FWB and can come to terms with the fact that it won't be more than that, by all means keep hooking up with her. I've been through this entire situation before with this girl. I given her the ultimatum, she wanted the same thing she does now and stopped talking to her for about 3-4 months. Now she has started talking to me and though i've been in the situation in the past, where she wasnt as invested and i wasnt ready, I feel like I can handle it now. Its either hook up or not talk to her, and id rather have her on the side still hooking up with her. I didnt stop seeing other girls when she came back around and I dont plan on it. Since shes getting exactly what she wants I cant see her changing her mind on the relationship idea, but I could live with it. I have college coming up I shouldnt want one anyway, i know i wont next year
Author vince1128 Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 Update: yesterday I hung out with her friend and her for a little bit and I didn't really play into her affection needs untilthe endof the night. We were both about to get in our cars but she kept wantingto kiss me and finally she started to walk away and I pulled her back and said I was gonna make her beg for it. The big news is her friend told me on fbook last night that Shes freaking out bc shes trying to get over the other guy but he called her yesterday and said hes surprising her this weekend. (lives 8 hrs away) Shes freaking out I hear. Would the best thing be to ignore her all weeekend? She was going to go to dinner with a bunch of friends with us fri and a party sat. She told our friend shes still on for dinner and will stop by but not stay at the party. She hasn't told me hes coming yet. How should I act when hes around her? Affectionate or standoff ish? How?
Recommended Posts