is it normal to feel this way in a long term relationship?

[smile123]

hi everyone! so i've been dating my current boyfriend since I was 16 years old, and it has been 3 years and 2 months since then (i am turning 20 in 2 months). at the beginning of our relationship it was absolutely amazing, and i felt butterflies when we held hands, he was my first kiss, and basically it seemed like i was on top of the world. throughout these 3 years we have been through so much together, from deaths, suicide, high school graduation, the college application, the change of starting college, and so much more. however, lately i've been starting to become anxious and worried because im not sure what's been going on with my feelings lately. we've become so comfortable with each other and he's my absolute best friend, but i miss feeling the way i did when we were younger, and it worries me that since i'm no longer feeling this way that im not in love with him anymore. i've thought about breaking up with him to see how i would feel, but i can't bring myself to do that, and plus, when i think about all of the positives about him, there are SO many that i feel like i would be stupid to end things with this perfect guy. ive talked to him a few times to try and explain how im feeling, but it's so hard because i dont know how to tell him, and he becomes really disappointed and i can tell i hurt his feelings. so i need advice as to what i should do..is it normal for my feelings to change? i still have fun with him, but i just feel like it's not how it used to be. also, i can't picture my life being with anyone else, so why would i be wondering if we need to end it? do you think it's because im scared since we've been in such a serious relationship at such a young age? and oh, one last thing..we both go to different colleges that are about 2 hours apart, and i find myself this year not wanting to go home as much (i go home about once a month) because i really enjoy being with my friends this year (last year i didnt make any friends and had a terrible year), and i dont think about him as often as i did freshman year of college since i have made this group of friends. so sometimes it makes me wonder if this means that im not as into him as i used to be?

 

i would really appreciate any advice, thoughts, or opinions regarding this, and i apologize for such a long post!

[SoulSearch_CO]

I really think that starting out so young in a relationship, it's quite common to grow apart as you get older. You start learning more about who you are - which may be different than what you originally thought. The things you used to want out of life somehow don't seem so important anymore. If you're feeling lukewarm about him, it might be a good time to split from each other so you can both explore your options. You'll always have the good memories together - breaking up won't change that.

[Bearandsue]

I think you are at the age where you want to do and experience new things. If you dont feel the same as you used to I think you should tell him. I know you said it would hurt his feelings but i think it would hurt you both more in the long run. Talk to him about it. Or try separating for a while.

 

If it was meant to be you will get back together. If not then you will have done the right thing for you both...IMO

[theraven]

Hey Smile123... You've commented on my post so I figured I would look at yours. You were right. We are pretty much in the exact same situation. I feel like how you are feeling about your boyfriend is how my girlfriend is feeling about me. I react just as your boyfriend does. My girlfriend and I talk about it, and I will get into tears! It's so upsetting to me that after all this time and all this love that she feels differently about me. It's very upsetting to me, as I'm sure it is to your boyfriend as well. I just don't get it. How, after 2 years (or 3 in your case), do you just stop feeling the way you do about a man? I feel like I treat my girlfriend the best she could be treated! I am so sweet to her and we have such a healthy relationship. She always talked about being together forever and I could just see the love she had for me in her smile and in her eyes! Why did those feelings change when I am sooo good to her? maybe you can answer this for me since you're feeling kinda the same way about your boyfriend. I really like talking with you because our problems are almost exactly alike. Please reply back and let me know what goes through you womens mind haha.

[smile123]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]well, to be honest with you, the feelings i was having when i wrote this post a couple of weeks ago has actually faded, and im back to being really happy with my relationship (as you could probably tell from my posts on your situation). basically, i think what happens to me sometimes is that i think about how long we've been dating, and then i begin to wonder to myself, what if im missing out on life? or, should i date other guys to make sure this is what i want? i definitely think that these feelings are normal for any individual to think about at some point in a long term relationship (or at least at our age anyways). however, what i realized, and hopefully what your girlfriend will realize as well, is that i truly am happy in my relationship, and i love him more than anyone. i know you wrote in one of your posts that your girlfriend says it doesn't feel the same anymore, and i certainly think that this is normal. i think she may be confused because she feels as though she doesn't love you as much because it may not be as "magical" when you guys kiss or hold hands anymore as it was in the beginning because the two of you have become so accustomed to one another. this doesn't mean that your love for each other has faded, but i feel like this means that the two of you are maturing and becoming at a comfort level where you're just not going to feel butterflies in your stomach, etc. every time you see each other. you can't expect to always feel this way for the rest of your lives. so hopefully your girlfriend comes to understand that the way she may be feeling is natural and that it will most likely go away with time. i hope that helped![/FONT][/COLOR]

[theraven]

That did help a lot actually... I know what you mean. I was having a conversation with her dad once and he was telling me how every once in a while, he will wish he wasn't married and could go out drinking with his friends and not have to worry about other women and things like that, but that most of the time he knows that she is the one for him and that he wouldn't want any other person in the world! I really just think that's how my girlfriend feels sometimes. I just have to remember that that's a NORMAL feeling and it will pop up sometimes, but if we love each other enough and really feel we are the ones for each other, that feeling will pass and we will be back to our relationship!!! I guess the only thing that shakes me with this hole deal is that, honestly, I have never felt this way. The only reason I have ever felt that is because she felt like it first and it made me feel like it. So I guess it just kind of hurts me inside to know that she EVER feels like that, even if it's only for a few days, because I never feel that way. Do you know what I mean?

[smile123]

yes, i definitely understand where you're coming from by saying that it hurts you. when i've had to discuss with my boyfriend in the past about how i feel like my feelings have been changing, he gets really sad and i can tell that his feelings are hurt. i know this isn't true for every single female, but with my personal experience i have come to learn that females are a much more emotional sex and tend to overthink certain situations waaay too much! on the other hand, what i have seen in the past is that males tend to be much less emotional and go with the flow. they don't tend to question things as much as girls, especially if they're happy, and they don't think much beyond that about the situation (at least, this is the situation with my boyfriend..i can't say this applies to each and every individual). so im thinking your girlfriend is just overthinking everything. i really think the two of you should sit down and tell each other exactly how you're feeling..you should tell her how hurt and confused you've been feeling, etc. and she will hopefully open up to you. if both of you can just let all of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions out, i feel like this is a step in the right direction

[theraven]

Yeah I agree... I mean, right now we are great!!! But I'm just wondering all this incase it ever happens again, which I'm sure it will. Let me ask you a question... Do you and your boyfriend have sex? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but my girlfriend and I do and I feel like sometimes that is the reason we have problems..

[smile123]

i dont mind answering. my boyfriend and i decided back when we were 16 that we were not going to have sex until marriage, and so far we have stuck to this. the reason why we don't engage in this activity is not only because we're both christians, but also because we decided it could cause problems with our relationship at such a young age (like it may be in your relationship), such as constantly wanting to have sex and placing a large amount of focus on the physical part of our relationship. i definitely feel as though not having sex has helped to strengthen our relationship, but this is not to say that having sex wouldn't. i don't want you to think that im saying we're "better" or have a stronger relationship due to this. it's just my personal opinion regarding my relationship you know? perhaps if you feel as though part of the problem has to do with sex, maybe you could not have sex for a little while and see how it goes? what are the problems you find you and your girlfriend are having relating to sex?

[theraven]

I totally know what you mean... I wish sooooo bad that we never would have started having sex. And random problems just occur because of it. Like we fight a lot after it either because I don't satisfy her or she doesn't satisfy me enough ya know? Because most people set a bar of expectations on sex... and sometimes sex doesn't meet up to were you would like it. I mean, yeah sometimes we have great sex and we are better then ever after, but the times we don't it sucksss!!! Honestly, if we decided to stop and wait till marriage then I know I could do it!!! But I don't think she could. I just want to satisfy her and keep her happy, and sometimes sex is a way to do that, and sometimes it not..