redant Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I'm 37 how long should I date someone before I have a serious talk about the future? I'm not 20 anymore and yea unfortunately time is short if I want to have a child. Is that being selfish? I would like to get married and have a child. I don't want to get so emotional and fall hard for someone if they aren't wanting the same. Is that the wrong attitude for love?
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I'd say at your age, you don't need to waste time. Seriously - I wouldn't. Find somebody of a like mind and don't waste your time on players. I would be asking somebody their views on marriage/kids pretty early on - hell, I did with my current BF and I'm not even in a hurry.
boxing123 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Actually I think you have the right attitude for love. Unfortunately it seems many people date, just for the sake of dating. Locate men around your age that do not have kids..I think men know pretty quickly. Month or 2.
Author redant Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 Thanks for the advice. I've been dating my bf for almost 4 months. Next month we will go on a vacation together. I'm thinking of talking to him about if he sees me in his future and if not I understand and I can go from there. How's that sound?
Jenny123 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I'm nearly 29, started to date a 37 yr old guy. He put his cards on the table from the off-set. I did question this, as from dating guys my own age I wasn''t used to this. I did think it was very early, a few weeks dating to talk so in-depth. I like him and can see it going somewhere so don't mind it. It did take getting used to, though. Good luck;)
Author redant Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 The weird thing is he is 37 but I'm not sure if he wants to get married. I don't know why but I chose him instead of a sure thing because I was attracted to him more than all the other guys in my life or people I had met. I'm getting discouraged now that I did not make a good choice, but we shall see. I do enjoy his company
Alma Mobley Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 The weird thing is he is 37 but I'm not sure if he wants to get married. I don't know why but I chose him instead of a sure thing because I was attracted to him more than all the other guys in my life or people I had met. I'm getting discouraged now that I did not make a good choice, but we shall see. I do enjoy his company If you have been dating only four months -- I would merely ascertain what his goals are. If he is looking for marriage and family in his future, great. If he says, "I never want to get married!" you have your answer. You should talk about your future together after a year or so.
Sam Spade Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 You should talk about your future together after a year or so. I'm 32 and for me a year is the absolute minimum amount of time before discussing something more serious for the future. Waiting does not always improve the decision making outcome, but rarely hurts. For me it is absilutely essential to see how the woman will act once the 'honeymoon phase' is over, and that thing alone takes about a year, and then of course I want to see her in as many different situations as possible etc... If timing is cruical for you, you should probably pick up guys who have similar urgency, but unlike w/ women, age is not a credible indicator for that. It's a hard tradeoff, but as a general rule you're probably better off giving dating some time to gather sufficient information rather than make rushed decision based on incomplete info (or wishful thinking)
Alma Mobley Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I'm 32 and for me a year is the absolute minimum amount of time before discussing something more serious for the future. Waiting does not always improve the decision making outcome, but rarely hurts. For me it is absilutely essential to see how the woman will act once the 'honeymoon phase' is over, and that thing alone takes about a year, and then of course I want to see her in as many different situations as possible etc... If timing is cruical for you, you should probably pick up guys who have similar urgency, but unlike w/ women, age is not a credible indicator for that. It's a hard tradeoff, but as a general rule you're probably better off giving dating some time to gather sufficient information rather than make rushed decision based on incomplete info (or wishful thinking) Right, I agree with you. I was saying she should ascertain his long-term goals in general (as they are fourth months in), and then, after a year, start talking about their future. Esp since we're talking about people in their 30s, not 20s. I THINK we are in agreement here...
Jenny123 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I would address it light-hearted over a drink-what's your dreams in life? You need to know, you want the same things in life, same goals. No point in wasting each other's time if polar opposite goals:)
susyq76 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I've also had that happen where I meet an older guy and they start talking marriage/kids from the start. It freaked me out! I think as people get older they are literally LOOKING for love and even more looking for MARRIAGE....so it isn't unusual for late 30 somethings to discuss this early. If you date a man under say 33 you may scare him off with that talk so early.
rlindzie Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 i think you have the right attitue, but if you wait too long than your chance to have kids is over and that is a very hard pill to swallow. my mom didnt find mr.right ever so when she turned 32 she got donor inseminated with my sister and then again 3 yr. later with me. she has never regreted it .this might not be right for everyone but it worked for her and my sister and I couldnt be more happy to be alive! lol but if you come to a point and you really wanna have kids than do it. you can still find mr.right but you wont have to sacrafice being a mother to do so.
Sam Spade Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I would address it light-hearted over a drink-what's your dreams in life? You need to know, you want the same things in life, same goals. No point in wasting each other's time if polar opposite goals:) No offence, but that's waste of time *unless* the discussion is way more specific: most people want a family, kids, the white picket fence, etc., etc., etc., whatever. Very rarely people are so jaded as to rule these things out completely, and in such situations this is pretty obvious early on. The key challenge is to discern if he likes her enough to consider a future with her, versus just date her for a while, and I can't think of a substitute for that other than time and non-wishful thinking. The problem here is that there is almost *never* a discrete point when men have an "aha" moment and decide - "voila, I'm marrying this girl". Instead, what happens is that if, after dating for a while, things seem going well, getting married seems like the sensible next thing to do. So, part of the problem is that you can't know a priori when, if ever will this point come.
Author redant Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 I appreciate the responses. I will see when will be the best time I don't want to get resentful about it. It's his life I just want to know within 6 months or so if we are thinking along the same lines. I have thought of artificial insemination. Could be a possibility for now i'd love to have one the natural way. Either way it's a beautiful thing
Author redant Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 I see what u r saying Sam I do agree in away. I am going to take a little more time myself to see if I want to spend 60 years longer with this man also.
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