alicia79 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I've been with my husband, soon to be ex, for about 11 years, married almost for 9. About six months ago he started acting strangely and I looked at the cell phone to find he was talking to someone a whole lot. I called the #, a girl answered, I hung up and ran home to confront him. He said it was nothing, just a friend. He needed someone to talk to because we were having problems. I wanted to believe him but something in my gut just didn't buy it. I did some more digging and found out this was an old friend of mine. I kept digging around and found out lots of stuff...he never admitted anything to me. We went to counseling a few times, but I don't think it did much for us. If anything he sat there listing off reasons I "pushed" him into talking to someone else. I tried to put it behind us, but he never did much to make it up to me. If anything things just went downhill from there. He started acting funny again so I went back into sleuth mode and found out he had another email account with profiles on adult sites to meet both women and men. Any normal person would have just left, but I wanted answers. Again he didn't really give me any details. I had to figure it all out on my own. After a few really bad arguements one of which turned violent I packed my stuff up and moved to my parents. The next day he called to have me taken off the insurance and made a lawyer appointment for us. Now suddenly he is wanting to work things out. He wants to see if we can hold off on the divorce. He just wants to start fresh. He wants me to forget about everything and pretend like we just met???? I have no idea why I would even be considering this. We do have an eight year old, and this seperation has been hard on him, but I can't stay just because of him. There have been things in the past that I have forgiven. I have never actually caught him in the act, but I know him and he would never admitt to a thing unless he was caught red handed, and even then he might try to deny it. There was one other time when he was violent with me, several years ago. He is very controlling in a lot of ways. He always controlled the money, always checked up on me. He has always had this funny ability to turn anything I say against me, twist my words, and make everything my fault. So why in the hell am I even considering giving it another try? It makes me hate myself that I would even consider it. I have turned into the kind of kind of woman I hate. Even though I have every reason to hate him I just don't. For some reason I start feeling sorry for him. Not sure how to get over him. This is all new territory for me because I have never even been in another ltr. Never been through a breakup. I would appreciate any advice. I know in my heart I can not go back to him. We've been through this too many times. I have went from a fairly outgoing girl with a good sense of humor and lots of interests to a shell of a person. I'm on antidepressants and antianxiety medicine....all to deal with everything going on in the last six months or so. I just keep having these days where I want to be back with him so bad. If it wasn't for my family, I may have already went back.
troubadour Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Alicia79... get divorced and move on with your life. This is the best solution for you and your child. Don't expect your husband to change... people usually don't change... he will try to pretend for a while that he has changed and than he will be back to his old ways.
Author alicia79 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 Alicia79... get divorced and move on with your life. This is the best solution for you and your child. Don't expect your husband to change... people usually don't change... he will try to pretend for a while that he has changed and than he will be back to his old ways. You're right. I know you are. just wish I could get past these feelings that come and go that we are making a mistake.
Dad_of_3 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 11 yrs, 9 yrs married. Its a long time. What inevitably happens over such a long course of time, is your very lives become so entwined. You become one so to speak. You rely on each other throughout your days and become accustomed to it. Now that its seemingly gone. Its almost like you've had your arm cut off. Your mind is telling you something isnt right and you are reacting like most people who go through this process. You arent weird, different or wrong to feel this way. The way things seem to your mind, its almost like its an addiction. You've had something for way to long and now its gone, you are goiing through the weening process so to speak. Recognise that and you will be able to overcome it. If he's 'listing' things you have done, but frankly not recognised any of the part in he played ... what planet is he living on? As for the 'friend' of his. He's slept with her or was making plans to sleep with her. I won't make any nicey nicey suggestions of what his motives where. The only reason anyone cheats is that the "Other Person" is giving them something you arent, Fulfilling something you aren't currently. For him to pursue that, that isn't your fault. As for these other sites. I think thats says it all. He doesnt respect you enough that he is chasing 'skirt' or 'shorts', whatever fits. Any satisfied person in a relationship does not need to look elsewhere. Things such as browsing the menu sure. But you make the meal you have with you the best darn meal you ever had. You put the time and the effort into the meal at home. I think a shocking analogy. >.< As for the violence, there is never a need or call for it. No man OR woman deserves the right to strike another, no matter the urge or circumstances. Unless you where threatening his life or your child, its not acceptable. He has issues, he has self esteem issues he needs to deal with. He sounds a little like some of the issues I had to deal with in my own IC. As for holding off on the divorce and settlement and what not. Sorry he doesnt get to call the shots. He doesnt get anything but get to sign anything you put in front of him. You need to do whats right for you and your son. What example are you showing him by being letting this behaviour continue. Trust me on this. Your son would prefer you happy and attentive being a single parent rather than miserable and hollow back in your unhappy relationship. I have an inkling you already know what needs to be done. I dont think you even fear it, its more the outcome you are worried about. But take that step if not for you for your son. Just remember on this road, there will be highs and incredible lows. Lows that you had never thought possible. But also remember that once you have the strength to go over that low and see it till your next high. Its all worth it. Trust yourself, heal yourself and take care of the well being of you and your son. What you do now will impact him in ways you wont imagine. Chin up and write back once in awhile. I'll try and be regular this time >.< LOL
Author alicia79 Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 I wish I could stop snooping around on him. I wait at the house to get our son off the bus and I will sometimes look on his computer to see what he's been up to. He has a password on the computer and has no idea I can still look at things on there (thank you puppy linux ). From what I gathered on the computer and looking at a bank statement he had a male escort over the very first night he was alone after our most recent separation. There was a 150 withdraw from our joint account on that wednesday. This was also when he first contacted this person on yahoo messenger. And it seems they met on that friday. I don't know whether to laugh or cry or go get a drink...maybe all three lol. I've got to admitt I'm a little pissed. He keeps insisting I "keep my panties on" until the divorce is final, as if I have ever given him a reason to think I want to go sleep around. The truth is that is the LAST thing on my mind right now. As messed up as this sounds this was such a relief to find out. I finally have proof that I'm not crazy and I do have a good reason to leave. I don't think I'm going to even mention it Why give him another excuse to tell me I nuts and need to get my meds adjusted? I am really not a mean or vindictive person but I have so many revenge scenarios playing through my head right now lol. Better to just leave it alone I guess.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 As i read your first post I thought maybe there is hope, though people do not change at heart, they can try harder if they want something bad enough. Then as I read later in the thread about your snooping on his PC, if what you have confirmed is accurate, I would say there is little or no hope for a productive marriage going forward. If it were my own sister or close friend in your shoes, I would actually make it a point to expose his behaviors to all of the family and friends so that the bastard has to suffer the embarrassment and shame. Needing sexual pleasure from other men and on top of that having to pay for it! What a loser...
Author alicia79 Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 As i read your first post I thought maybe there is hope, though people do not change at heart, they can try harder if they want something bad enough. Then as I read later in the thread about your snooping on his PC, if what you have confirmed is accurate, I would say there is little or no hope for a productive marriage going forward. If it were my own sister or close friend in your shoes, I would actually make it a point to expose his behaviors to all of the family and friends so that the bastard has to suffer the embarrassment and shame. Needing sexual pleasure from other men and on top of that having to pay for it! What a loser... I knew there was no hope before I went snooping. Not sure Why I even bothered. Believe me I have thought about letting everyone know what he's been up to...but I don't feel like dealing with the drama. I just want to move forward with my life. Guess I need to make a dr appt to make sure I don't have any stds
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I knew there was no hope before I went snooping. Not sure Why I even bothered. Believe me I have thought about letting everyone know what he's been up to...but I don't feel like dealing with the drama. I just want to move forward with my life. Guess I need to make a dr appt to make sure I don't have any stds It sure sounded like a good idea to tell everyone about his (financially renumberated same sex) indiscretions... but you've got the right idea - just get tested and move on with the minimum amount of drama possible...
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