jj237 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Hi everybody. I've been in a 1 1/2 year relationship and a few weeks ago I began to seriously doubt whether or not I wanted to continue the relationship. I have always been content in the relationship - we rarely fight and I feel very loved by her - but I felt like we really don't connect on a deep level (although it seems like a one-way problem; she always says that I understand her more than anyone she has ever been with). I have to throw out the old cliche - I love her but don't feel in love with her. The complicating factor in this is that I slipped into a pretty bad depression around that time. I should add however that the doubts I mentioned earlier preceeded the depression. I'm not really sure if I feel a loss of connection because of the depression or feel depressed because I'm in a relationship that I feel may be wrong for me. My question to anyone who would like to provide some insight is this: Is "taking a break" a good idea in this (or for that matter, any) situation. I feel like I need to untangle all the issues surrounding the depression and my feelings for her and it would be helpful to step back from the relationship for a little while during that process. I know that if I'm in a marriage or longer-term commited relationship I will need to take care of any mental health problems within the relationship but now we are at the point of deciding whether or not to take that next step. I definitely don't want any kind of break period to last indefinitely because an extended limbo would be bad for both of us. If it is common to "take a break" does anyone know what kind of ground rules you should set. For example, do you see each other a few times a week, communicate only by phone, etc. I do know that there is no way I can just continue in the relationship any further without expressing those doubts to her - it's unfair to both of us. So if anyone has experience or thoughts I'd really appreciate them. Thanks.
pez33 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 hey if i were you taking a break may be a good idea because then you can see other girls and test whether or not she is the right one for you...being separated from someone opens your eyes to look at the situation outside the box. you should def. still talk to her one way or another and see her occasionally in order to keep the feelings there to see how things are going but taking a break can really be a true test of each others true feelings. and if you could do me a favor and help me out with my situation thad be great thanks man its the one under pez33
BCCA Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I think you should think long and hard before bringing up this break to your gf. From my experiences, 'taking a break' almost always becomes permanent. And put yourself in her shoes, if someone said 'hey lets be broken up for a month or so, so I can clear my head, and then talk and see how we feel', what would you think? I know what I would think, you just want a free pass to go out there and get with other girls. Regardless of whether you have some legitimate reasons for needing space, the 'break' in the relationship really isnt neccesary unless there is something about her youre on the fence about, which is true. As Ive told others, sometimes in life, regardless of the situation, we all need to be called out. And I'm going to call you out, but understand its just to shed some light and open your mind a bit... There is no way in hell you would let a girl you saw long term potential with dangle out on the waiver wire because you were depressed. I think you know pretty clearly how you feel about her: although it seems like a one-way problem; she always says that I understand her more than anyone she has ever been with I love her but don't feel in love with her. So, that pretty much sums up your feelings about her. It seems as though you know she likes you a lot more than you like her, and your depression may be a result of guilt for dragging things out. It's also a form of 'pushing' people away, knowing you can just be 'depressed' and need space. You dont even do it conciously. Look, I know its not easy to let something 'right here, right now' go, but sometimes in life, we need to be careful not to be so shortsighted. I honestly feel like asking for a break is really selfish, and I think you know it is, too. Even if you just needed some space, surely you could ask for that first, without severing your relationship. Anytime I hear people bringing up the notion that someone else should willingly go along with a 'break' in the relationship, which - ground rules or not, means that youre single, and free to act accordingly, I scratch my head. WHY would anyone want the person they love out and about single? Ask yourself if you would honestly be happy with this situation if the roles were reversed. Doubtful, right? What I think you reall want is a spin-off of the 'friends' deal, in which you know that she isnt the one, but she's definitely better than nothing for the time being or as a fallback. So, you'll go into this break and either meet someone else, or look and come back when youre empty handed, right? I know its not easy to look at the situation objectively, because to you, so many other ideas make so much sense, but the truth is the truth. You know she isnt the one for you. Let her go, be honest, and be fair. Asking for a break isnt fair, and I think deep down, you know that. If you really care about someone, you'll let them go and find their own happiness. Dont do what works for you right now, at the expense of someone else's emotions.
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