How do you break an addiction to a person?

[NewSunrise]

Sunrise, that was a great post. You sound like a psychologist. Are you one?

I'll take that as a compliment. But no I'm not nor do I profess to be one. I've been told number of times I should've been one.

 

Glad to see that you took the time to answer each question freely. So where are you now? In your life that is.

 

I detect a mixture of bitterness and somewhat angry as a result from hard lessons in your previous relationship(s)?

 

We don't spend one minute of the day thinking how much we love ourselves, but we spend 24 hours a day thinking about the person we love.

Here lies the problem. People do this because they are not happy within themselves to begin with. Thinking of someone else more than ourselves is easier. What happens in this process is that you forbid yourself from growth and finding your true self. Yeah, you might check in with yourself once in awhile when conflict arises, but you're never there long enough to figure out the map to you. So this thinking of someone else is nothingmore superficial fulfillment that which can never or will ever be sufficient in your lifetime. Or a delay of the inevitable.

 

Why can't we accept that we're just a little crumb on this earth and we can love someone from afar, not much different from the way we love movies or flowers? Why do we have to "consume" our objects of adoration

Because most often we lack the skills to process and resolve inner conflicts. This is part of being human. Accept that there are limitations to everything. Accept that there are boundaries socially, culturally, politically, sexually, and yes even when it comes to love.

 

Flowers and emotions do not involve long term investment emotions. These objects are in the moment like passing through century old paintings in a museam. They require no time for the human mind to indulge, decipher and analyze---they one one dimension objects. A rapist may view any woman or female child as such--one dimensional sex object. But this is a completely different analogy.

 

My point is people tend to stretch limitations to suit their immediate needs in the same manner as those involved in affairs that their situation is not the same. Why? Because it supports their needs for the time being. Boundaries no longer exist because their situation is exception.

 

This is where the fantasy takes rule over reality.

 

The MIND is the most powerful thing confined in the human body. It has no concept of time and what's real or not. Much in the same as pain has no concept of time.

 

Controlling your actions, behavior and decisions you make is ultimately determined by how fast your mind interprets what you perceive. The greater the emotions involved, the more impulsive your decisions, behavior and actions will be.

 

So the emotional rush you get from the beginning of an affair is just that---emotional. So the impulse to satify a need tells the mind to act on it. Had you allow logic in your action, you would have weighed the different outcome and you would act accordindly in a logical meaningful way.

 

Love shouldn't hurt. It's all a matter of tolerance level. You wouldn't love someone who molested your child, right?

If you didn't feel emotions, you wouldn't be human.

 

Molesting a child is a criminal act. Domestic violence is a criminal act. If you were to research any molester, chances are h/she were also victims. These types of behavior as in any behavior are LEARNED. From whom? Parents. Families.

 

I mean, don't think it's kinda idiotic to wake up one day, married for three years with children and realize that you were not right for each other and all you did was hurt and fight?

Relationships/marriages have different stages of growth. How each couple deal with the conflicts in each stage determines how long they will remain with each other. Throughout the relationship you adjust with each other quirkiness and habits. You learn which battle you want to fight or just brush off without resentment. Pretty soon, at some point you'll get to know your partner/spouse from the back of your hand with humor.

 

The problem with society is that rather than solving our conflicts head on, we want a quick fix to solve our pain. And when we take the short cut, we end up right where we were.

 

Life is like a bommerang. The lessons we need to learn keeps coming right back at us until we get it right.

[RecordProducer]

So where are you now? In your life that is.

Separated from my second husband as of several weeks ago. We were married for three years and I desperately wanted to work on the marriage, but he didn't. The marriage was also sexless. I have two kids from my first marriage whom he adores. He sees them every day and says he wants to adopt them. I love him very much, but I tried everything and got nothing from him, so I have no regrets and nothing to miss, really. He, on the other hand, seems miserable without me and wants to spend all the time with me. I finally told him the other day that since he kicked me out of his house, I'll stay out of it. He wants me to be at his house when he comes back from work, then spend the evening with him, then sleep at his house, in his bed, close to him and naked (no sex though - he says that's wrong; check that! ). I am paying for the apartment with my own money.

 

He says he loves me, but blames me for our marriage problems. Even if I was so bad, he never wanted to resolve anything, he never acknowledged any faults of his own, and never wanted to commit to our marriage and give it a real chance. I am 34 and he is 52. I am his third wife and he has no kids of his own.

 

Apparently, he misses me a lot. He told me so many times to move out, he said he didn't believe I would. He told me "You wouldn't leave even if I gave you a million dollars, you must be a masochist!" Well, I finally did move out. And now, I am fine, and he's miserable. I know he will regret everything, but by the time he realizes he needs to change his attitude, it'll be too late.

 

I detect a mixture of bitterness and somewhat angry as a result from hard lessons in your previous relationship(s)?

It's possible, but it's only in my posts. I am open to meeting Mr. Right without prejudice, although more cautious this time. I am not looking for anyone right now. I am starting law school this August, so I don't want anyone to distract me in the first year. I also don't like the idea of looking. I love being on my own and doing whatever I want without the pressure of impressing someone else. I am so tired of the games my husband played for three years; I just want to spend some time with the person I trust completely: myself.

 

My point is people tend to stretch limitations to suit their immediate needs in the same manner as those involved in affairs that their situation is not the same. Why? Because it supports their needs for the time being. Boundaries no longer exist because their situation is exception.

Right.

 

Life is like a bommerang. The lessons we need to learn keeps coming right back at us until we get it right.

Because we keep making the same mistakes.

 

I am OK though with where my life is right now. I believe that the more you experience in life the better. I don't see breakups as tragic events, no matter how sad they make us and for how long. Despite of all my romanticism, at the very core, I am existentialist. I am free, I am not hungry, I have choices in life, so I am happy. I am afraid of violence and accidents; I am not afraid of being lonely.

[NewSunrise]

Separated from my second husband as of several weeks ago. We were married for three years and I desperately wanted to work on the marriage, but he didn't. The marriage was also sexless. I have two kids from my first marriage whom he adores. He sees them every day and says he wants to adopt them. I love him very much, but I tried everything and got nothing from him, so I have no regrets and nothing to miss, really. He, on the other hand, seems miserable without me and wants to spend all the time with me. I finally told him the other day that since he kicked me out of his house, I'll stay out of it. He wants me to be at his house when he comes back from work, then spend the evening with him, then sleep at his house, in his bed, close to him and naked (no sex though - he says that's wrong; check that! ). I am paying for the apartment with my own money.

 

He says he loves me, but blames me for our marriage problems. Even if I was so bad, he never wanted to resolve anything, he never acknowledged any faults of his own, and never wanted to commit to our marriage and give it a real chance. I am 34 and he is 52. I am his third wife and he has no kids of his own.

 

Apparently, he misses me a lot. He told me so many times to move out, he said he didn't believe I would. He told me "You wouldn't leave even if I gave you a million dollars, you must be a masochist!" Well, I finally did move out. And now, I am fine, and he's miserable. I know he will regret everything, but by the time he realizes he needs to change his attitude, it'll be too late.

 

It's possible, but it's only in my posts. I am open to meeting Mr. Right without prejudice, although more cautious this time. I am not looking for anyone right now. I am starting law school this August, so I don't want anyone to distract me in the first year. I also don't like the idea of looking. I love being on my own and doing whatever I want without the pressure of impressing someone else. I am so tired of the games my husband played for three years; I just want to spend some time with the person I trust completely: myself.

 

Right.

 

Because we keep making the same mistakes.

 

I am OK though with where my life is right now. I believe that the more you experience in life the better. I don't see breakups as tragic events, no matter how sad they make us and for how long. Despite of all my romanticism, at the very core, I am existentialist. I am free, I am not hungry, I have choices in life, so I am happy. I am afraid of violence and accidents; I am not afraid of being lonely.

You wouldn't be where you are now had you not experienced being knocked down a few times. Sometimes this is how boundaries are set---by force by someone else or something external.

 

It's obvious your H loves you very much and doesn't want to lose you. Have you looked into the possibility he might be suffering from:

 

1. something medical?

2. Self-confidence to perform?

 

Keep in mind that he might (some men) can become sexually intimidated by a woman who is sexually desireable. No different than a woman who is going through hormonal phase. Men go through this phase as well which explains the increase of use in Viagra within his age group.

 

So when he blurts out at you to get out of his house, it could be a deflection from the real issue. It's his defense mechanism kicking in coupled with his inability or denial of the real problem. Pushing you away is the easiest form of not having to resolve it. Chances are this is his MO in the past---a form of control.

 

So if decrease in his libido hasn't come up yet, ask him not in the form of "what's wrong with you?" Approach this issue from a "friend's" point of view and offer to look into his medical insurance, find a doctor, and/or make an appointment for him with his doc. Don't push the issue. Just plant the seed. And then say, "I love you and care enough about you to want to do this. Just think about it and let me know what you decide."

I am not afraid of being lonely.

This is what most people fear. They don't give themselves the opportunity to try. There is beauty and joy in it.

 

You'll be fine.

[Lizzie60]

I think time will heal your pain.. I haven't read the whole thread.. just your OP but if I were you I would ask HIM to help me break it.

 

Ask him to avoid you and to NEVER accept to see you again, under NO circumstances. He needs to help you get rid of this obsession.

 

I don't think you can do it by yourself.. if, every time you break NC, he comes back to you. He has to STOP seeing you... period.

 

This has to be treated like a heartbreak.. because it is.. only time will make you feel better.

 

Do you have a good support system.. friends, family.. go out with them as much as you can... do something in your spare time.. exercises, take a course (hobby)... it will eventually go away.. trust me.

[RecordProducer]

Sunrise, thank you for your reply and sorry I didn't respond sooner.

So when he blurts out at you to get out of his house, it could be a deflection from the real issue. It's his defense mechanism kicking in coupled with his inability or denial of the real problem. Pushing you away is the easiest form of not having to resolve it. Chances are this is his MO in the past---a form of control.

I think you're very right. What is "MO"?

He can perform, he just seems disinterested in sex. He doesn't look at porn, he doesn't masturbate, he doesn't care about sex. He was telling me that he was disgusted by my personality - that's why he didn't want sex, which is bullkrap. That's just one out of 4-5 different excuses I've heard.

 

We are far from that ambiance of me telling him how much I love him and to encourage him to save our problem. He always wanted to convince me that he didn't want me. He told me I was a burden for him and he wanted me out of his life - like a million times. Him missing me is his problem. He got what he wanted. If that's not what he wanted, he shouldda thought about it before he walked all over our marriage and pushed me away.

 

But you're right about the sex, the part that I quoted. I forgot about that hypothesis, even though I also came up with it long time ago. Thank you for reminding me.

[Confused4Now]

What is "MO"?

 

Modus operandi (often used in the abbreviated forms M.O. or simply Method) is a Latin phrase, approximately translated as "mode of operation"

[pkn06002]

I will throw my hat in the ring on this, since I had the same type of thing 13+ years ago.

 

Start thinking of anything that will make you mad about the other person. When you start to think positive thoughts get angry and soon you can start to associate bad thoughts with that person. Now I will say for me that does not work long term but does take the edge off. I was never good at not thinking about something that my mind wanted to think about.

 

Whenever you can go out with people you enjoy doing things with. When you are idle your mind will become the devils playground and you will spin back around to him.

 

Don't jump into another relationship date around have fun.

[RecordProducer]

UnhappyLady, are you an obese, lazy bum while your husband is a George Clooney with a PhD? Because you sure act like that's the case. You act like the inferior paety.

Modus operandi (often used in the abbreviated forms M.O. or simply Method) is a Latin phrase, approximately translated as "mode of operation"

Thanks, C4N. I get it now.

 

I was never good at not thinking about something that my mind wanted to think about.

Is anyone?

 

date around have fun.

Urgh... nothing is fun when you're miserable, but OP might benefit from finding a better guy.

[samprez]

I don't mean to be redundant, but I'm in week 4 of NC today. I never thought this would work but it is. The other thing I've noticed is that I've been forced through IC and MC to deal with what has happened here. I own my part of my situation 100%. Since I've been NC with MW, I have zero idea of what she's dealing with; however, this is what I do know.

 

We both lied and cheated to be in this relationship. When I think of that and the effort I'm going through to regain my W's trust and I think of how MW acted, I'm having a hard time looking at her with rose colored glasses right now. She may very well be doing the same thing with me. Having said that, I wrote her a long unsent email in which I called her a liar and a cheater and outlined what she did to see me. I did similar things, but it helps me paint the right picture. It helps remind me that we were out of line.

 

It knocks her off of the pedastal I had her on. So when I visualize her going through her day with her kids, I can't help but think of the lies she told to see me. So no matter how much I see her in my minds eye smiling and going through life as though nothing happened, I get to feel better knowing that I know better. My point, knocking her down a peg in my mind has helped me appreciate the reality of this situation.

 

Does this make any sense?

[jwi71]

Perfect sense Samprez.

Would you consider showing these emails to your W?

[White Flower]

Unhappylady I'm in your shoes right now - I was the level headed, intelligent, straight on live by my personal code kind of girl (would never have considered an EMR) and evolved into a weak sap because I fell deeply in love. But I ended it with my MM this weekend - we were together for 8 years and had been apart for 8 mths as we were busted. During our 8 month seperation we went from NC to LC and then that crazy rollercoaster ride and that's when I started losing it again. As of this past Saturday I chose NC and it hurts like hell, but I also feel so relieved. This is what I did during the first 4 months of being apart from xMM

 

1) breath

2) start a journal and write your ass off / write letters to him about your saddness and anger, but tear them up and throw them out - DO NOT mail them to him

3) breath

4) work out / go out with gf's and have fun with them - fake it till you feel it

5) breath

6) come here and spill out your guts whenever you can't keep it inside anymore - there are some nice members who will support you

7) breath

8) you are not alone in this - let's keep in touch on here and support one another. I'm on round two of NC - maybe we can prevent you from going there...

 

Take care,

 

fairyflower

Fairyflower,

I scrolled through until I found the numbered post! I knew there would be one. Now to copy and paste and tape on the wall! This is good advice for anyone going through a break-up whether it be EMR or not.

 

Thanks.

[samprez]

Perfect sense Samprez.

Would you consider showing these emails to your W?

 

Don't have to...we discuss the exact topic.

[NewSunrise]

Sunrise, thank you for your reply and sorry I didn't respond sooner.

I think you're very right. What is "MO"?

He can perform, he just seems disinterested in sex. He doesn't look at porn, he doesn't masturbate, he doesn't care about sex. He was telling me that he was disgusted by my personality - that's why he didn't want sex, which is bullkrap. That's just one out of 4-5 different excuses I've heard.

 

We are far from that ambiance of me telling him how much I love him and to encourage him to save our problem. He always wanted to convince me that he didn't want me. He told me I was a burden for him and he wanted me out of his life - like a million times. Him missing me is his problem. He got what he wanted. If that's not what he wanted, he shouldda thought about it before he walked all over our marriage and pushed me away.

 

But you're right about the sex, the part that I quoted. I forgot about that hypothesis, even though I also came up with it long time ago. Thank you for reminding me.

 

You're welcome.

 

Gee whiz, you have one hell of a dilemma.

 

It's tough to be the recipient of someone you love who is so "f****up inside. And it's gotta be equally tough on him because of his unwillingness to get to the root of his problem. Hence, he drives everyone away in the process. And people like him don't "think" there's anything wrong with them.

 

If you've already let him know what you needed to have in a relationship with you and he repeatedly emotionally and verbally abuse you (this is exactly what he is doing) than he doesn't deserve you or anyone.

 

IMO the only thing he wants and needs is "companionship" not a 24/7 relationship. He doesn't have it in him nor the capablity to offer a full time loving relationship. By your account, you need someone who will "grow" with you not someone you need to babysit.

 

If you stay, be careful to not turn this into codependent relationship where he depends on you while you subconscioulsy fulfill that need because it will also meet your needs to "nurture" him to become a better person. I highly doubt that you will but sometimes it can happen especially in long term relationships.

[unhappylady]

Oh my word I don't know what to say.

 

Thank you so so much for your replies and advice. I assure you I have read and re-read and now digested all of them.

 

I am in a horrendous place in my head at the moment. I know I have to end this relationship - now!. It's the only route to finding true happiness again. It won't seem like it initially but in the long run it will be the right decision.

 

This relationship is breaking me down to the core. The happy times pale into insignifance when I am hurting like this.

 

But...the thought of never seeing him again kills me. Remaining friends wouldn't work, I know it wouldn't. It has to end. Why can't I do it?? How do you get the strength to cut the ties completely with someone you love so very deeply? How do you get through it? How do you go from constantly checking your phone and email to ending it and moving on?

 

I am going to try and work through the questions you have posed for me and take a deep look at myself and how I got myself into this position and what I need to do to get back on track. For me, keeping busy socialising, exercising etc wouldn't work. That's merely a distraction for me. I need to work on my mindset.

 

Will keep you posted

 

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU - especially for not judging me.

[RecordProducer]

If you've already let him know what you needed to have in a relationship with you and he repeatedly emotionally and verbally abuse you (this is exactly what he is doing) than he doesn't deserve you or anyone.

I so agree with you and I realize I 'll get over him sooner or later, but I need to move one with my life.

 

IMO the only thing he wants and needs is "companionship" not a 24/7 relationship. He doesn't have it in him nor the capablity to offer a full time loving relationship.

Wow, this is exactly what he wants !

 

By your account, you need someone who will "grow" with you not someone you need to babysit.

You're vru insightful, dear.

[Soaked]

 

But...the thought of never seeing him again kills me. Remaining friends wouldn't work, I know it wouldn't. It has to end. Why can't I do it?? How do you get the strength to cut the ties completely with someone you love so very deeply? How do you get through it? How do you go from constantly checking your phone and email to ending it and moving on?

 

 

unhappylady, I know how you feel, few months/years ago I felt the exact same way!! And before we broke up for good this time, we were constantly emailing/text message/calling each other.

 

In fact, we have tried to broke up for few times during our years, but in the end I couldn't bare not to see his email, text message, get his phone call and end up back together.

 

In the end this VERY tiring cycles only waste my years to get my life back.

 

And right before I really broke up with him for good this time (last summer) I was slowly trying to do the same again, and I felt that panic feeling in my stomach -- Never see/hear from him again!

 

But now, beside my recently brief set back, to be honest, I really get though it! Right now I really don't miss him.. and I don't want to hear from him.

 

I know it's hard, the feeling of "love him so much" and you couldn't stop carrying about him wonder how is he doing and all that.. It's very hard in the beginning for me. At first I still talk to him in my head but only in my head! And slowly because my focus is not on him anymore (before, our relationship most of the time, my focus is constantly on him so I feel of this need that I need to please him, not to hang out with my friends late, schedule my life around his schedule). I started to live MY life, I got closer relationship with people around me! So now I talked with real people around me(like little moments of my days) , also went to therapy.

 

Therapy did help me a lot in the beginning! Because I can have someone to talk to, not afraid to be judge, no fear to talk about my true feeling and worry I let down on someone (like friends who are care/close to me).

 

The other thing I did was to write to him but never send out what I wrote, my feeling, my anger and it did help me to feel better.

 

I hope you can find the strength, because now when I look back, I truly wish I did it sooner, instated wasting so many years of my life.

[NewSunrise]

I so agree with you and I realize I 'll get over him sooner or later, but I need to move one with my life.

 

Wow, this is exactly what he wants !

You're vru insightful, dear.

Awww, shucks...

 

I'm certain you'll do well in your career. So enjoy your new future!

[NewSunrise]

This relationship is breaking me down to the core. The happy times pale into insignifance when I am hurting like this.

 

But...the thought of never seeing him again kills me. Remaining friends wouldn't work, I know it wouldn't. It has to end. Why can't I do it?? How do you get the strength to cut the ties completely with someone you love so very deeply? How do you get through it? How do you go from constantly checking your phone and email to ending it and moving on?

Why would you allow someone who is not available to hold you back from growing or moving on? He has no obligations to you.

 

Volunteer for a great cause for instance at an animal shelter, if you're not allergic. With current housing market, so many dogs/animals are being turned over to shelters. They need people to walk dogs and care for the other animals.

 

The goal is "redefining" yourself. Volunteering for a great cause will most certainly distract you. Most importanly, you will come to SEE that your problem is miniscule by comparison to those who are less fortunate.

 

The more you do to help others, the less you'll have time to think about you know who, let alone checking your phone which you can easily just push the "off" button.

 

You've got your health, a job with health insurance, family, friends, a postive life ahead of you as you move on, but you're wasting your energy on what again?

[Heather1]

I am in your shoes. We did a 6 week, NC and blew it. We thought that was long enough to start being "friends" again like we were the year before. Yeah, that was all fine until we saw each other. He went on a few trips, to come back & say he couldn't handle it & let's go back to friends. That worked for another week, until I finally just broke down.

I pieced 6 weeks together, so I know I can do it again. Here's what I figured out during the break...I was a walking zombie & a leash to my phone! I was at his beck & call @ anytime, and he was only available to me during his work hours. He was in control.

So, I'm trying again & am on 5 days. I'm not as broken hearted this time because I actually was feeling better during the break about myself than I'd been feeling for a long time. He started not making me feel good, just CRAZY! It's the situation we put ourselves in. He's "so sorry." In the meantime, I fell in love.

So together you & I will go... 1, 2, 3 BREAK!!!

You're not alone!

Go on a trip, buy yourself an outfit, take long walks at sunset & leave your phone somewhere else, or change your number. Then...have a plan if he contacts you again. That's where I lost it last time, I caved because I didn't have a plan if he got ahold of me. I thought we could be friends.

Honestly too...if you do have a future at all together (if he gets divorced) this is the only way.

[Deegee]

I've been in your shoes, and from what I can see in these previous posts is that there is an awful lot of really good advice and support here.

 

Please don't beat yourself up over your bad choices, we're all human here, just learn from your mistake, and pass along your lessons, so someone else can benefit from it.

 

I really like the idea of volunteering, because it truly does take your focus off of you, and your problems, and as an added bonus, you're really helping someone. I'm gonna start to look to volunteer as well. I'm tired of thinking about '"what if, what if, what if's".....

what if I made the right decision and not gotten involved with a married man, then I would still have my heart, and it wouldn't feel like it's been torn to shreds by an immature man that was a cake eater.

It does no good to dwell on the past. It is just that, the past.

And I hope that you will not let this stop you from getting what you want, and deserve (a single man without commitments to anyone...).

Good luck in moving on. You need to do this.

[Circe]

OK ... I didn't read all the posts ... but ...

 

You've been in it for 1 year? You are in the thick of it then and it's going to be EXTREMELY difficult to pry yourself away right now.

 

One suggestion would be to relax, go along with ride for now and then check back with yourself in about a year or a year and a half. My bet is that you'll begin to feel a little differently then.

 

Another suggestion: You were friends with this guy for 15 years, so you know EVERYTHING there is to know about him, and if you shake yourself a bit, I bet you can objectively recall some serious issues or problems that he has that you cannot deal with. Start talking to yourself about those things now and you will gradually convince yourself that this is not the thing for you.

 

Another: MOVE. You need to physically move out of his area so that you're not within easy reach of each other. If that's not possible, create obstacles that inhibit both of you. In my case, I had to switch shifts at work and all of a sudden, it was not so simple. That was the first step.

 

As an ancillary to anything you do: quit beating yourself up about this. What you are feeling is VERY natural and getting out of an intense affair is one of the hardest damn things anyone can ever do. It can be done, though. Not saying that you won't hurt, either. YOU WILL. But it's kind of like having your tongue frozen to the pump, isn't it? Would you rather just be stuck there, bent over, in pain, with your tongue hanging out and not able to move, or would you rather just rip it off and take the consequences? Sorry for the graphics, but it's definitely a tough thing and it takes sustained courage and will power.

 

Good luck to you.