unhappylady Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Hi Please can someone help me. I have been in an affair with a MM for a year now. We were friends for over 15 years prior to the start of the affair (it hit me like a ton of bricks!). I need to get out. My head is screaming at me to get out. I have gone from a sensible, level headed, intelligent, well balanced woman to a weak pathetic insecure mess who is willing to accept whatever scraps she can get - because of love. We have been to hell and back this past year trying to finish it. It can't progress to anything more at present (issues relating to his child). We hope to be together one day but I don't think I can wait for 'one day'. MM is constantly telling me to get out, I deserve better, but I love him. It sounds pathetic but this is it. How do I break the addiction? I tried No Contact and couldn't do it. We have tried cooling it and it didn't work. What's happened to me? I hate myself. I am so weak and pathetic! I used to scorn women like me. I just love him, the time we have spent together is so precious and he completes me. But the time apart is horrendous, my heart is breaking. How can two people find each other at such wrong times in each's other lives? Sorry this post doesn't flow properly. I am crying as I type this, I am in such pain.
Owl Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Are YOU married? I ask, because it affects the advice that I would give you. Without that, I'd tell you point blank...the only way to break this addiction is COLD TURKEY NO CONTACT. Don't try to be "just friends", don't leave the door open for later...END THE RELATIONSHIP COMPLETELY. There are further steps to take if YOU are married as well, but I'll withold those until you show that they're appropriate as well.
sugarmomma Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 My heart goes out to you as I read what you wrote. I was with a guy in a committed relationship for 2 months and it hurt so bad I had to get out. Mine wasn't married but living w the x wife. You have to start working on yourself to see what made you go inot a situation like this. I think we do it because of low self worth or we think "we won't fall for them". I didn't try to fool myself and when it started to hurt (not being able tospend a night with me, waiting for his call, etc) I had to let go. I willnot answer his calls or return any texts or emails. I will start dating again but look for someone who is single and available. We cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person's feelings. It's impossible; the two acts contradict. What a tremendous asset to have compassion for others! How difficult that same quality can make it to set boundaries! It's good to care about other people and their feelings; it's essential to care about ourselves too. Sometimes, to take good care of ourselves, we need to make a choice. Some of us live with a deeply ingrained message from our family, or from church, about never hurting other people's feelings. We can replace that message with a new one; one that says it's not okay to hurt ourselves. Sometimes, when we take care of ourselves, others will react with hurt feelings. That's okay. We will learn, grow, and benefit by the experience; they will too. The most powerful and positive impact we can have on other people is accomplished by taking responsibility for ourselves, and allows others to be responsible for themselves.
samprez Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I am almost out mentally from my A. In MC and IC from it. Angry at MW and myself for letting this happen. At the end of the day, as the light begins to resurface around me, and I can see again I can tell you that there is nothing good to be gained or realized from these types of relationships. UHL you talk about the torture of the time between contact and the rollercoaster. When I look back on my relationship, I can vividly remember being upset, frustrated or simply on pins and needles waiting for a stupid text message or a call. For what? The thrill of thinking that someone else cared about me. Or the fleeting time we could spend together over a meal. We weren't in a PA so the EA ruled the day. But I was miserable more than I was happy and I let the vision of happiness cloud my mind. That's where you are now. Let it go. The feelings you have today from this aren't good ones. How is this helping you live a normal life. I too thought that my MW and I were robbed because we found each other now (we knew each other years ago) and didn't realize that we were such a great fit. But, I lied to my wife so I could see her. She lied to her husband and her kids and hired baby sitters to see me. Together she and I were cheaters and liars. How is that something that I'd want to be involved with? How about you? I know exactly what you mean about the idea of love. But people who love each other don't hurt one another like people do in affairs. I'm one of them. I am finally not feeling the pit in my stomach when I speak of her or deal with the consquences of this; because as I've been forced to deal with myself in MC and IC, and I know she isn't, I see her as an irresponsible abuser of her family and her spouse. My point? Get out now. I had my opportunities along the way and went through all of the NC attempts and failures. Honesty moment. Know why our NC's never worked? We didn't want them to. Now I do and despite thinking of her, I won't email or text or call or IM with her. I'm not taking myself back the beginning of the rollercoaster. My therapist said that we need to project the future 3 ways. With you spouse. Without your spouse and with your OP, or without your spouse and alone. What is the path to each of these and what is the pain you'll experience on the ride? Think of that. I can tell you that the risk reward of our situations is limited. I will be here to converse with you if needed to help you through this, but you must break it off. The only way to stop the rollercoaster is to get off. It was continue on until YOU decide to make it stop. I'm thisclose myself, but I can see the light now. You should too.
jj33 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 You have to understand that the pain of being out of it is no worse than the pain of being in it. Its like breaking any other addiction you do it a minute an hour a day at a time. Not being in touch really helps or minimising your contact if you cant be in total NC. Or if you work with him as I did, then limiting your contact only to work. You need to remind yourself that it will NEVER get better. EVER. The rollercoaster is all an affair has to offer you. If he is unhappy and wanted to divorce he would have done that in a year. He hasnt. Maybe the timing was wrong maybe in 5 or 10 years you will find each other again and both be single but for now, the timing is off. And staying in it and torturing yourself does not change that. What kept me out was realising that. And knowing that it could never ever be different. Fortunately he now recognizes that too. that he cant offer me what I need and deserve while he is married. If you are married too then as Owl said the equation changes. But in terms of staying out of the PA, its about wanting more for yourself. And having belief in your future. Because if you truly believe that you deserve and can have this kind of love with a man on a full time basis, you will end it. Its all about how you want to treat yourself.
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Just because you love him doesn't mean you have to have him. You have no choice now BUT to cut him out of your life. Go to counselling.
bentnotbroken Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Hi Please can someone help me. I have been in an affair with a MM for a year now. We were friends for over 15 years prior to the start of the affair (it hit me like a ton of bricks!). I need to get out. My head is screaming at me to get out. I have gone from a sensible, level headed, intelligent, well balanced woman to a weak pathetic insecure mess who is willing to accept whatever scraps she can get - because of love. We have been to hell and back this past year trying to finish it. It can't progress to anything more at present (issues relating to his child). We hope to be together one day but I don't think I can wait for 'one day'. MM is constantly telling me to get out, I deserve better, but I love him. It sounds pathetic but this is it. How do I break the addiction? I tried No Contact and couldn't do it. We have tried cooling it and it didn't work. What's happened to me? I hate myself. I am so weak and pathetic! I used to scorn women like me. I just love him, the time we have spent together is so precious and he completes me. But the time apart is horrendous, my heart is breaking. How can two people find each other at such wrong times in each's other lives? Sorry this post doesn't flow properly. I am crying as I type this, I am in such pain. The main issue I see is bolded. Why would you need someone to complete you? If you are a strong, secure and confident in yourself, you don't need any completion. It sounds like you need to decide who you really are and why you decided to enter in this mess and remain there.
jj33 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 The other thing is he is telling you to get out because he knows he is not leaving. He wants the best for you and is unselfish enough to let you know that this is not going to turn out the way you want it to. Listen to that. Love yourself enough to get out.
fairyflower Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Hi Please can someone help me. I have been in an affair with a MM for a year now. We were friends for over 15 years prior to the start of the affair (it hit me like a ton of bricks!). I need to get out. My head is screaming at me to get out. I have gone from a sensible, level headed, intelligent, well balanced woman to a weak pathetic insecure mess who is willing to accept whatever scraps she can get - because of love. We have been to hell and back this past year trying to finish it. It can't progress to anything more at present (issues relating to his child). We hope to be together one day but I don't think I can wait for 'one day'. MM is constantly telling me to get out, I deserve better, but I love him. It sounds pathetic but this is it. How do I break the addiction? I tried No Contact and couldn't do it. We have tried cooling it and it didn't work. What's happened to me? I hate myself. I am so weak and pathetic! I used to scorn women like me. I just love him, the time we have spent together is so precious and he completes me. But the time apart is horrendous, my heart is breaking. How can two people find each other at such wrong times in each's other lives? Sorry this post doesn't flow properly. I am crying as I type this, I am in such pain. Unhappylady I'm in your shoes right now - I was the level headed, intelligent, straight on live by my personal code kind of girl (would never have considered an EMR) and evolved into a weak sap because I fell deeply in love. But I ended it with my MM this weekend - we were together for 8 years and had been apart for 8 mths as we were busted. During our 8 month seperation we went from NC to LC and then that crazy rollercoaster ride and that's when I started losing it again. As of this past Saturday I chose NC and it hurts like hell, but I also feel so relieved. This is what I did during the first 4 months of being apart from xMM 1) breath 2) start a journal and write your ass off / write letters to him about your saddness and anger, but tear them up and throw them out - DO NOT mail them to him 3) breath 4) work out / go out with gf's and have fun with them - fake it till you feel it 5) breath 6) come here and spill out your guts whenever you can't keep it inside anymore - there are some nice members who will support you 7) breath 8) you are not alone in this - let's keep in touch on here and support one another. I'm on round two of NC - maybe we can prevent you from going there... Take care, fairyflower
fairyflower Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Maybe the timing was wrong maybe in 5 or 10 years you will find each other again and both be single but for now, the timing is off. And staying in it and torturing yourself does not change that. But in terms of staying out of the PA, its about wanting more for yourself. And having belief in your future. Because if you truly believe that you deserve and can have this kind of love with a man on a full time basis, you will end it. Its all about how you want to treat yourself. Well said JJ and perfect... fairyflower
Meaplus3 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I need to get out. My head is screaming at me to get out. I have gone from a sensible, level headed, intelligent, well balanced woman to a weak pathetic insecure mess who is willing to accept whatever scraps she can get - because of love. This is what an affair can do to you. I've been there. But, remember your worth more than just scraps. You deserve someone who can give you his all. Know one deserves to be second best. MM is constantly telling me to get out, I deserve better, but I love him. It sounds pathetic but this is it. Then listen to him.. because he's right. How do I break the addiction? I tried No Contact and couldn't do it. We have tried cooling it and it didn't work. Well you have to stick to NC and want it to work. So, how about trying NC again? It may be tough at the start.. but like any addiction.. it get's easier with time. Best of luck. You can and will get past this. Mea:)
LovieDove24 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 At the end of the day, as the light begins to resurface around me, and I can see again I can tell you that there is nothing good to be gained or realized from these types of relationships. For what? The thrill of thinking that someone else cared about me. I know exactly what you mean about the idea of love. But people who love each other don't hurt one another like people do in affairs. I really chopped down samprez's post but I just highlighted some of the key points. I think his insight is phenomenal and EXTREMELY practical since his emotions are still so fresh. If God had intended for affairs to be the "real deal" he wouldn't have made a commandment against it. Its not real love because the definition of real love is SELF SACRIFICE: giving yourself COMPLETELY to the one you love (think of the parent/child realtionship...thats about as real a human love as we can display). You see, this is not possible when involved in an affair because a part of your life is being hidden. I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation. Please do not assume I am like the others who will belittle you and assume I am better than you. As humans we never know, it may be the crack addict homeless man on the street who gets into heaven before us. I just urge you to please find help from people like samprez and get out as quickly as possible. Best of luck.
Author unhappylady Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 Oh my word I don't know what to say. THANK YOU SO MUCH for your replies. You are a wealth of information and support. In answer to your questions - I am not married. Thank you for being non-judgemental. Thank you for being honest and direct. I need it. It's strange to read that other people have behaved as I am doing, accepting whatever scraps they can get, waiting on eggshells for that all important text etc. How can an affair turn such level headed well balanced men and women into men and women that would accept this? It's clearly not acceptable. It's demoralising and soul destroying. Samprez - you hit the nail on the head in every word you posted. And yes I am too miserable more than I am happy but I am aware I can't see clearly because of the affair 'fog'. I am so happy you are starting to see the light, and realise the damage these relationships cause. Thank you for reminding me I need to look at myself and address how I got into this situation, and that I do deserve better and don't need him to complete me. Sometimes we forget to love ourselves - I have. I feel so worthless, weak and pathetic nowadays I seem to have forgotten how to look after myself. I can't believer the person I have come. My family say I have lost my spark. I need to find the strength to break contact for good. I need to work out what to do when I am missing him, we can't go back to being friends again I know that, it's too late and we would end up back at Square One. Can I just ask those of you who have been in this position, when you go NC and are hurting like hell how do get through the days knowing you won't ever have contact with him again? Your posts suggest you remind yourself of the pain you have suffered and the fact the relationship is going nowhere - but does the mind not play tricks on you and you think of the good times? My head is such a mess. Whoever said affairs are exilerating, a thrill etc obviously was just in a physical affair. When emotions are involved the affairs strips you down and consumes you. I am ashamed of my behaviour and shocked that despite the emotional turmoil, I have let this affair go on so long. I will not waste my life on this relationship. I won't. Because this affair has consumed me for so long now I do feel almost 'reliant' on it, in other words, I can't imagine a life without him. He has become my life. That's so warped isn't it. I am going to have a good think and try and clear my head and think logically. My heart is screaming out for his touch and counting down the days once again till I see him. My head is reminding me of the past year's events...inability to concentrate at work, anti-depressants, the lies, the crying, the loneliness, the pain at the end of each meet when he drives home. I have to get out.
penumbra Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 How do I break the addiction? I tried No Contact and couldn't do it. We have tried cooling it and it didn't work. What's happened to me? I hate myself. I am so weak and pathetic! I used to scorn women like me. I just love him, the time we have spent together is so precious and he completes me. But the time apart is horrendous, my heart is breaking. How can two people find each other at such wrong times in each's other lives? Sorry this post doesn't flow properly. I am crying as I type this, I am in such pain. Unhappy ~ I feel for you - I really do. I am going through the same right now. People can and do fall deeply in love under "less than ideal" or "wrong" circumstances. It happens all the time. To answer your original question - I have found that the only way to break an addiction to another person is to distance yourself as far as possible. In other words - NC. I have moved thousands of miles away from someone to break an obsession/addiction to a person. It was my only salvation at the time, and the only thing that truly worked. I never thought I woudl get over him - But now I feel nothing for him. He treated me disgracefully and I see that, now. I have no love left for him at all. He reappeared in my life as a blip a few times, but I understand now that he never really loved me. He loved MY love for HIM. (This was not an A, BTW). That was my wake up call. Your situation sounds different, however, as the MM expresses concern for your well-being and happiness. Whether or not his concern is genuine is left for you to determine. What do you think, Unhappy? *hug* 1
KismetGirl Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 I wasn't going to post anymore this month at all but i feel for you.... Its very hard to feel like someone is so well suited for you only to have nothing come of it. I suppose you can try to look at it as if he was a single guy , and you dated, and it just didnt work out. Those things happen all the time, right? You really like someone, love them even, and it just doesnt work out. You get over those relationships....they take time, but you do. Ideally, not talking to him or seeing him would help the healing process, but even then you'll still bet hinking about him way too often. But its a start. Dunno if you have a good therapist, but it can be really helpful to have someone in person who is unequivocably unbiased to bounce ideas off of and talk to (no offense to anyone else on this board, myself included, but most of us are incredibly biased when it comes to affairs as we have mostly been personally involved in one as either OW or BS....not too many MM/MW's post aroung here.. :-) ). Me , myself and I are an OW, so you can take my advice as coming from someone in that position, bt I do know how you feel. Dont know your background, but knowig this guy for 15 years I assume you have some family or friend connections and its not very easy to just break off all contact. Really the only way youre going to make it work is to only allow yourself to see him (or talk to him) in public situations, social gatherings that you have mutual friends at, if thats the case. To tell you to get rid of all mutual friends is stupid and unrealistic, so I wont say that. But the therapist thing could really help you out alot, so I hope you have access to that. It takes a long time to get over any break up....infinitly harder when you think that the only thing keeping you apart is "if only he wasn't married" or "if only they didnt have kids". That thinking will get you no where. When they tell you to find someone else cause you deserve better, its cause they arent ready to leave their marriages. Whether or not they love you back is sort of a moot point really. Ive been in an affair for what....it's like four years this month, i think? I forget sometimes. Long enough, anyway. Bakc and forth, back and forth, gets more emotional as time goes and really its just a pain inthe arse. Cry, cry cry. It's ok to cry. But don't sit home alone and cry, cause that will make it worse. Go out, call friends, be social, force yourself if you have to, and get some counseling, if only to talk to someone totally unbiased once a week. It helps a bit....nothing anyone on here says will be a magic bullet to make you feel better or do the right thing. It's only encouragement and suppose, the final step to getting over it can only rest with you. Really, good luck, i hope it works out for you....
samprez Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Hi there...more from me. More from my coping. Everyday is getting a bit easier. I don't miss her anymore nor do I miss the idea of her. I have things I want to say to her, but they are angry things. So I cope and get over her by writing to her. I write long emails and emote about everything. The early emails were kind and gentle. The latest version is not so nice. Along the way I own my part of the relationship. As I like to say, I own 100% of my 50%. But as I write to her, I'm communicating how I feel without breaking NC. I get to express my feelings. I'm angry with her and myself and it comes out in the emails. Read them the next day, and DELETE them. Because the more you express yourself, the sillier the entire situation will seem to you. My MW is the mother of 3 children. 3, 9 and 11. She is a soccer mom and spends her days carting the kids around and attending activities. No problem, my W does the same thing. I was working near her house this past year and she calls me and says do I want to say goodnight to her. I said, yep. She tells me to pick her up at Washington School (named changed to protect the guilty). I had no idea where I was going, plugged the address into the GPS and started off for her. She calls me on the cell and says she'll be waiting for me on the corner of XYZ Street and ABC Road. Ok, no problem. I pull up and she jumps in my car and we go and park around the corner to hang out for a few minutes. Know what? Washington School is her 11 YO's middle school. Guess what else? It was back to school night. So she jumped in my car and hung out with me during back to school night. I dropped her off about 30 minutes later and she ran into the school for the event. Reason I'm telling you this. What kind of person would have their affair partner pick them up at their daughters middle school during back to school night? Crazy. I didn't realize at the time but distance has given me perspective. Nuts right? How many other parents does she know? All of them. I drive the same car as her H but different color and out of state tags with a sports teams license plate on the back. Not her H's car!!! So I look back now and go, WTF was I thinking!!! Moron. My point. This is all silly. We risk our M's and our good standing for what? Therapy and mistrust and sadness in our homes. For what? A few fleeting moments a day or a week of someone else thinking we're special. We are special. We are peoples mom's, dad's, h's, w's, brothers, sisters etc. This A's are not worth it. It would have taken only one person, say a friend of her H's to see her get in my car to have ruined 2 families. I see that now. Didn't see it 4 weeks ago when NC started. Fools we were. Fools we are. I'm not coming down on you but there is nothing good that comes from these relationships. The rollercoaster is not a good one. Let me ask you this. If you got on an amusement ride at the park that made you throw up, would you get on it a second time? I'm in the midst of this. I get it. I have such anger at myself and MW I can't tell you. But the idea of ever connecting with her again makes me sick. In my last communication with her she texted that didn't want me to think of her as an awful person. Really? Any other way to describe what we did? Get out. Do what you have to but run from being trapped. I can't wait until I stop logging into this site everyday. I'm here for you if you need me to vent.
ezg3 Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 Hi Please can someone help me. I have been in an affair with a MM for a year now. We were friends for over 15 years prior to the start of the affair (it hit me like a ton of bricks!). I need to get out. My head is screaming at me to get out. I have gone from a sensible, level headed, intelligent, well balanced woman to a weak pathetic insecure mess who is willing to accept whatever scraps she can get - because of love. We have been to hell and back this past year trying to finish it. It can't progress to anything more at present (issues relating to his child). We hope to be together one day but I don't think I can wait for 'one day'. MM is constantly telling me to get out, I deserve better, but I love him. It sounds pathetic but this is it. How do I break the addiction? I tried No Contact and couldn't do it. We have tried cooling it and it didn't work. What's happened to me? I hate myself. I am so weak and pathetic! I used to scorn women like me. I just love him, the time we have spent together is so precious and he completes me. But the time apart is horrendous, my heart is breaking. How can two people find each other at such wrong times in each's other lives? Sorry this post doesn't flow properly. I am crying as I type this, I am in such pain. I feel for you so much. I am the MM in my story. And its hard. The time apart is incredibly difficult...the waiting for the texts or calls or planned meeting. Never knowing what could be going on during that time. OW and I are trying to break the cycle...its been 16 months...time flys. Its been 3 months of "trying" to stop seeing each other. Im getting the book "breaking an addiction to a person"... my therapist gave me some good advise. Let myself think about her and miss her, and for every one thought that hurts, think of two that are positive. Negative 1) I miss her, im sad she hasnt texted me. Positive 1) The cycle of deceit is ending my soul can start to heal. 2) Happiness for everyone involved is in reach, just takes some strength to get there.
RecordProducer Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 UnhappyLady, My grandmother, God bless her soul, used to joke with my mom when she was a kid. My mom would say "Mommy, I am cold!" and Grandma would say "Well, shiver!" Of course, this was facetious, not abusive. So I started applying this on my broken heart. "You're broken? Well, bleed!" "Your husband dumped you? Well, suffer!" The things is, we're trying to cover our pain by being angry, going to a spa or dating the people we wouldn't normally date - just to make ourselves feel better and fake it 'till we make it. No! Surrender to your pain and say to yourself: OK, I am suffering terribly, I will probably fill this room up with tears and drown. I am miserable because I can't have him, the center of my universe. I will never love anyone again... You'll see that soon all this love thing will seem ridiculous and temporary... kinda like when you're waiting for the bus in the cold rain and you feel like crap, but know that very soon it will be over. It's just love, for Pete's sake. It's not a serious thing like death or illness. We are programmed to get over. Imagine if you woke up with total amnesia tomorrow; you wouldn't even remember your MM! You think you'd still be in love with him? Well, you would still wake up with the same eyes, limbs, hair, diseases, talents, voice, IQ... but not with the love for MM. Because that love is not part of you. It's a state of mind. Just like Brenda made you so angry in sixth grade, you cried really loud, but you don't remember it anymore now, do you? I (like millions of other people) have put myself through self-humiliation because I was in love. When I look back, I can't believe that these strangers ever meant anything to me. Today, they are just a dusty photograph in the drawer and a long forgotten phone number. MM is constantly telling me to get out, I deserve better, but I love him. It sounds pathetic but this is it. Listen to him! This man doesn't plan to be with you in the future. How do I break the addiction? I tried No Contact and couldn't do it. We have tried cooling it and it didn't work.There is no "we" in cooling it. You alone have to stop the cycle of pain. And there is no such thing as you can't keep no-contact. I am laughing at myself when I say I can't quit smoking - as if quitting requires some special effort and as if the cigarettes come uninvited into my house and enter my mouth without my permission. Addiction to a lover is related to self-respect and love for self. Whenever I manage to convince myself that I have no business waiting for Him to come back because of this and that, my heart listens and I feel relieved. In your case, you think that he is the man of your dreams. He is not. Nobody is. He is somebody's boring husband; that's why he found you, because his wife lost her fascination for this (still) fascinating (to you) man. If you were married to him, he'd be completely different. All the compliments, laughters, great sex, and caring gestures turn into a pumpkin after the wedding day. There are no princes. There are only situations that make regular people seem like fairy tale character - until the fairy waves her wand again.
penumbra Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 All the compliments, laughters, great sex, and caring gestures turn into a pumpkin after the wedding day. There are no princes. There are only situations that make regular people seem like fairy tale character - until the fairy waves her wand again. That is a most depressing view of coupledom! I don't believe it's true of every marriage. So much black & white thinking on this forum...
NewSunrise Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 That is a most depressing view of coupledom! I don't believe it's true of every marriage. So much black & white thinking on this forum... Infidelity IS black and white. Cheating IS black and white. Lying IS black and white. Love? Loving someone who is NOT your spouse IS black and white.
RecordProducer Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 That is a most depressing view of coupledom! I don't believe it's true of every marriage. So much black & white thinking on this forum... If a man remains romantic, it's usually because the wife isn't too crazy about him. Marriage is nothing like the dating phase. The dating phase is a fairy tale, a dream. As soon as people get comfortable, they start taking each other for granted and showing off their true colors. If you think that there are some men out there who will look at a woman with that sparkle in their eye and eat her pussy like there's no tomorrow and shower her with kisses and flowers and compliments every single day for 35 years - that ain't happening, sister. I wasn't saying that marriages are all crappy. I was just saying that what she is getting NOW from this MM has nothing to do with what his wife is geting from him. If he were such a great husband, he wouldn't be cheating and lying. Al she knows about him is really what he showed her and fed her with. This is NOT who people truly are. There are some wonderful husbands and wives in this world, but my point is that UnhappyLady is suffering because of the dream she created about this man. If he only weren't married... how wonderful everything would be. The dating phase is not reality, but it looks so real that we always fall for it and believe that what's in the window is in the store. It's not. She was friends with him for 15 years and believes she knows him really well. I was friends with my first husband for 6.5 years. He was a wonderful friend and a great husband to his wife. His wife died. We started dating, it was magical. We started living together and I got pregnant. Boy, did he change within two weeks! The story with my second husband was not much different: the day I moved in with him, he changed. The compliments, the affection, the sex stopped in the first month. Completely! A normnal person would say WTF. No, they didn't justy have some interest in marrying me. I have no money and I am much younger than both of them.
NewSunrise Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Unhappylady--- The time has come for you to challenge yourself. Separate the fantasy from reality. Easier said than done? Start asking yourself these questions: 1. Do I love myself? 2. What are the things I love about myself? 3. What do I want in a relationship? 4. Why am I in this situation? 5. Where was I when I allowed myself to be in this situation? 6. What caused me to be in this situation? Spend some time alone, a day or two, away from LS. In other words, spend this time WITH YOURSELF. Once you have some clarity, then challenge yourself to achieve SOLUTION with these questions: 1. What must I do to love myself? 2. What must I do to be whole and happy again? That's it! Just two simple questions. These are your boundary markers! Once you've gained some clarity, things will begin to fall into place. Yes, it will take time AND practice. You didn't create your situation overnight. Events, history, childhood, previous relationships led you to where you are. Think about it. What happens to children when they have no set boundaries? They get themselves into trouble. It's no different as adults. In the end, you will redefine what LOVE is. But to get there, you have got to learn how to love yourself first and foremost. If you actually do any of the excercise, share it with us? There's a follow up question I'd like to ask. Good luck.
NewSunrise Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 If a man remains romantic, it's usually because the wife isn't too crazy about him. Marriage is nothing like the dating phase. The dating phase is a fairy tale, a dream. As soon as people get comfortable, they start taking each other for granted and showing off their true colors. If you think that there are some men out there who will look at a woman with that sparkle in their eye and eat her pussy like there's no tomorrow and shower her with kisses and flowers and compliments every single day for 35 years - that ain't happening, sister. I wasn't saying that marriages are all crappy. I was just saying that what she is getting NOW from this MM has nothing to do with what his wife is geting from him. If he were such a great husband, he wouldn't be cheating and lying. Al she knows about him is really what he showed her and fed her with. This is NOT who people truly are. There are some wonderful husbands and wives in this world, but my point is that UnhappyLady is suffering because of the dream she created about this man. If he only weren't married... how wonderful everything would be. The dating phase is not reality, but it looks so real that we always fall for it and believe that what's in the window is in the store. It's not. She was friends with him for 15 years and believes she knows him really well. I was friends with my first husband for 6.5 years. He was a wonderful friend and a great husband to his wife. His wife died. We started dating, it was magical. We started living together and I got pregnant. Boy, did he change within two weeks! The story with my second husband was not much different: the day I moved in with him, he changed. The compliments, the affection, the sex stopped in the first month. Completely! A normnal person would say WTF. No, they didn't justy have some interest in marrying me. I have no money and I am much younger than both of them. Ouuch! It goes without saying...you never know the person you love until you live with them. It's like waking up from a baaaad dream. Except it's real.
NewSunrise Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Unhappylady--- The time has come for you to challenge yourself. Separate the fantasy from reality. Easier said than done? Start asking yourself these questions: 1. Do I love myself? 2. What are the things I love about myself? 3. What do I want in a relationship? 4. Why am I in this situation? 5. Where was I when I allowed myself to be in this situation? 6. What caused me to be in this situation? Spend some time alone, a day or two, away from LS. In other words, spend this time WITH YOURSELF. Once you have some clarity, then challenge yourself to achieve SOLUTION with these questions: 1. What must I do to love myself? 2. What must I do to be whole and happy again? That's it! Just two simple questions. These are your boundary markers! Once you've gained some clarity, things will begin to fall into place. Yes, it will take time AND practice. You didn't create your situation overnight. Events, history, childhood, previous relationships led you to where you are. Think about it. What happens to children when they have no set boundaries? They get themselves into trouble. It's no different as adults. In the end, you will redefine what LOVE is. But to get there, you have got to learn how to love yourself first and foremost. If you actually do any of the excercise, share it with us? There's a follow up question I'd like to ask. Good luck. Acutally meant this for the poster, sapmrez. Unhappylady, you're welcome to try it. sorry...I think it's time to turn the light out...zzzz..
RecordProducer Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 Sunrise, that was a great post. You sound like a psychologist. Are you one?Start asking yourself these questions: 1. Do I love myself? 2. What are the things I love about myself? 3. What do I want in a relationship? 4. Why am I in this situation? 5. Where was I when I allowed myself to be in this situation? 6. What caused me to be in this situation? I'll answer these questions for you. We don't spend one minute of the day thinking how much we love ourselves, but we spend 24 hours a day thinking about the person we love. I don't even think it's about loving oneself. On the contrary: because we love ourselves in such an insecure and sick way, we think that person X must love us. No, he/she doesn't. Why can't we accept that we're just a little crumb on this earth and we can love someone from afar, not much different from the way we love movies or flowers? Why do we have to "consume" our objects of adoration? Because we don't know where the SELF stops and the rest of the world starts. All our sufferings come from the ego. Even cheating hurts because it hurts the ego. Being with a married man hurts because it hurts the ego to share his penis. Unfortunately, we can't be that holy as to remove the ego. Once you have some clarity, then challenge yourself to achieve SOLUTION with these questions: 1. What must I do to love myself? 2. What must I do to be whole and happy again? This is great advice. You need mental/logical clarity in order to get over. Getting over is really nothing but finding a mental solution for your pain. That's it! Just two simple questions. These are your boundary markers! Yes. In order to draw the solution, you first need to draw the boundaries. Once you've gained some clarity, things will begin to fall into place. This is sooo true. When I split with my first husband, I went from thinking how I lost a perfect man, to admitting to myself that I loved him but he wasn't perfect, to being grateful to him for freeing me from his miserable self. In the end, you will redefine what LOVE is. But to get there, you have got to learn how to love yourself first and foremost.Yes. Love shouldn't hurt. It's all a matter of tolerance level. You wouldn't love someone who molested your child, right? Well, some women stay with husbands who molested their children. The higher you raise your tolerance level the happier you will be. You will weed out everything that makes you miserable: the married men, abusers, selfish bastards, and just anyone who didn't treat you the way you deserve. Ouuch! It goes without saying...you never know the person you love until you live with them. It's like waking up from a baaaad dream. Except it's real.I think people should start living together very early in the relationship. Falling in love happens very early anyway. So before we start loving the heck out of someone who shows us the side he wants us to see and we get addicted to them, we should get to business and find out who they really are. If you start living with someone after a month of dating and you get disappointed after two months, you're not as invested as after a year or two of dating, so you can easily break up and move on. And it would be for the right reasons: because you two don't get along under the same roof. Under the current "rules," people date for years, then they live together, but they are already madly in love with each other so all they do is hope to change the other one. By the time they wake up, there's marriage and kids and then they suddenly realize that they are not right for each other. I mean, don't think it's kinda idiotic to wake up one day, married for three years with children and realize that you were not right for each other and all you did was hurt and fight?
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