mira21 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I asked my bf of one year to tell me about his sexual past. He had told me about it before, but only vaguely. I knew he had slept with four women before me and only one of them was in a relationship. But it was very important for me to hear more because I think it’s a big part of someone’s history and it tells you more about them. He was a bit hesitant at first because he was afraid that if he told me, I would feel differently about him. But I promised I wouldn’t. I didn’t push him by any means, I said it was up to him to tell me or not. So he told me. Details. Maybe more details that I wanted to hear. I’ve only been with him. He’s my first everything. So when he was describing his past, it was like something out of a movie to me. I am opposed to sex outside of a relationship and he knows that. So he seemed a little ashamed as he was telling me about all this. He said he was young and stupid and unable to refuse temptation. But at the same time, he said he doesn’t regret it because he learned from it. Plus, he said with a laugh, “I think about it every now and then.” That comment irked me. I wanted to be like, “What? You think about it?” But, I’m sure if I had slept with other men, I’d probably think about it too sometimes. You can’t help what you think about. I’m not foolish and naïve enough to think he always thinks about sleeping with me nonstop – and I wouldn’t want him to cause it’s not realistic. At the end of it all, he said he felt lucky to have me because after all he’s done, he felt he didn’t deserve me. And now I’m thinking, maybe he doesn’t deserve me. I feel so terrible for having these thoughts because I love him to death. I see a future with him. I don’t feel jealous by any means, I just feel a little disgusted by his actions, a little turned off by him. What can I do? He was afraid I would feel differently about him, and now I think I do. How can I look past it all and see him for the intelligent, caring, understanding man I love?
Island Girl Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 This is exactly why you don't get specific about these kinds of things. The information you gained was in no way beneficial and now has caused you to see him differently and feel differently. The past is exactly that - the PAST. It had everything to do with creating the person he is now, who interacts with you so well, etc. Hey, at least he told you the truth. In my experience it is VERY difficult to disregard things you now KNOW that bother you. You can't unlearn the information. So now it falls to you how you are going to learn to live with it. So now you created a problem where there wasn't one. The lesson to be learned is be careful about the questions you ask because you really need to be sure you want to know the answers.
manugeorge Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 The past is not always the past if your values don't match up. If he's the kind that doesn't see anything wrong with premarital sex, and you are the type that does, then that means your values are incompatible and that needs to be addressed.
bean1 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 He told you the truth because he wanted to. He cares enough about you to do that. The least you can do is show some respect for that. This is NOT about him. This is about you. I've been your boyfriend's position (although I had only one previous partner) and our relationship failed because he could not accept my past. He looked down on me for it, just like you do. You know what? Once I got over my "guilt" for my past. That guilt for my past turned into hatred for him and his judgemental ways. You could be looking down that road. Look, he deserves a partner who RESPECTS him. If you can't respect him then you need to move on.
Author mira21 Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 bean1, you're absolutely right. And I feel terrible for feeling this way. I really do love him. I see a future with him. Why am I being so petty? Why is his past such a big deal to me? It's not that I'm jealous. I'm actually one of the very few girls in the world who just don't get jealous. Rather, I'm disgusted. I'm disgusted with the man I love. And I hate that. His past is not the person I fell in love with. And I need to stop.
Island Girl Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 His past is not the person I fell in love with. And I need to stop. His past most definitely is part of him being the person he is now. And that person you profess to love. He would not be who he is now if he had not been through EVERYTHING he has been through or experienced. Love him. Love how he came to be who he is. They go hand in hand.
Geishawhelk Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 4? He had four encounters before you...?? 4....?!? Wow. Just...wow. 4.... Whooo-wee.... My partner had 102. I really couldn't give a fiddler's elbow. They were then. They filled a void and helped a need. I don't care. I do that now. Just me. Not them. Can I go back and change them (even if I wanted to)? Nope. Can I change what he did? Nope. Can I change him? Nope. Don't want to. Stop being silly. Your disgust is your problem. If you didn't want to know, you should never have asked. But you did. Now deal with it. Why are you disgusted? What's so bad about your guy having had just four others before you? So what? Sheeesh, please..... There are so many things you really could get righteously uptight about. Why do this to him?
bean1 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 mira, Like I've said before, I work in the criminal justice system. Let me tell you, there are A LOT of disgusting people on this planet. Good faithful "moral" people have an outward appearance of a certain image; but let me tell you, a great number of people have "skeletons" in their closet. I can tell you offhand that there are a lot of people who are sexual predators walking the streets, working in schools, coaching softball teams. THESE people are digusting. People who beat their wives, "good women" who steal and abuse their children. I understand you look upon sex outside of a relationship as disgusting, but I can't fathom that based on what the world is truly like. Maybe you haven't had much exposure to the outside world, but if you think what he has done is disgusting, then you have a lot to learn about the world!
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