BCCA Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 First, I just want to say that I KNOW without a doubt that no contact is the only way to go. It really is the best way to get over a situation, find yourself, and keep from being hurt over and over. I definitely know that. Even still, it hasn’t made this ordeal suck any less A quick recap, I dated a girl for about 5 years, and she ended it, for the second time, in August. She had broken up with me about a year and a half before, and we were apart for a few months before getting back together. We didn’t really talk for about a month, met up, and I realized that she was just looking to be friends, and so I said no, and walked away. She texted me thanksgiving, asking if we could meet up. We did, and things went well. She invited me over to make me dinner and watch a movie. As much as I tried to, I couldn’t help but feel like this was a date, since I don’t make my friends dinner, and we hadnt hardly spoken since the split, so its not like we were just friends. Low and behold, she was just trying, once again, to lure me into this frienship I had said a million times wasn’t going to happen. I was very upset and emotional, and just told her that friends wasn’t going to happen, again, and left it at that. That was Dec 8. She sent me a text about a week later to say thanks for sending her sick father a card, but I didn’t respond. While Im proud of myself for maintaining NC since, there are still things that make it hard. For one, she has made absolutely no attempts to contact me at all, which in a way I’m thankful for, but in another way – just makes me feel really unimportant. I’ve tried to get out and date, but with each failed attempt, the breakup resurfaces in my mind. At this point, I don’t even feel like trying for a while, just to give my self esteem a rest and learn to be ok alone. So, I guess the point Im making here is that while NC is the only way to go, don’t expect it to be easy, and don’t expect to have to ignore calls, because they probably just wont come at all. I still wonder if I’ll ever hear from her again, but then I realize that she obviously doesn’t have anything to say that I want to hear, so what does it matter. I guess Im at a low point of sorts in my life, but I figure I still need a lot of time to get over this anyway.
northstar1 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 First, I just want to say that I KNOW without a doubt that no contact is the only way to go. It really is the best way to get over a situation, find yourself, and keep from being hurt over and over. I definitely know that. Even still, it hasn’t made this ordeal suck any less A quick recap, I dated a girl for about 5 years, and she ended it, for the second time, in August. She had broken up with me about a year and a half before, and we were apart for a few months before getting back together. We didn’t really talk for about a month, met up, and I realized that she was just looking to be friends, and so I said no, and walked away. She texted me thanksgiving, asking if we could meet up. We did, and things went well. She invited me over to make me dinner and watch a movie. As much as I tried to, I couldn’t help but feel like this was a date, since I don’t make my friends dinner, and we hadnt hardly spoken since the split, so its not like we were just friends. Low and behold, she was just trying, once again, to lure me into this frienship I had said a million times wasn’t going to happen. I was very upset and emotional, and just told her that friends wasn’t going to happen, again, and left it at that. That was Dec 8. She sent me a text about a week later to say thanks for sending her sick father a card, but I didn’t respond. While Im proud of myself for maintaining NC since, there are still things that make it hard. For one, she has made absolutely no attempts to contact me at all, which in a way I’m thankful for, but in another way – just makes me feel really unimportant. I’ve tried to get out and date, but with each failed attempt, the breakup resurfaces in my mind. At this point, I don’t even feel like trying for a while, just to give my self esteem a rest and learn to be ok alone. So, I guess the point Im making here is that while NC is the only way to go, don’t expect it to be easy, and don’t expect to have to ignore calls, because they probably just wont come at all. I still wonder if I’ll ever hear from her again, but then I realize that she obviously doesn’t have anything to say that I want to hear, so what does it matter. I guess Im at a low point of sorts in my life, but I figure I still need a lot of time to get over this anyway. Pretty much the same story as mine. Been NC for 3 months or so (exchanged some 'friendly' holiday message), and although I know keeping NC is for the best, the last few weeks have been tough and I've really been missing her more. And like you , got back into dating, and so far nothing of consequence, and it's also made me rethink about my ex yet again. I also wonder too, if I'll ever hear from her.
playlislay Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 While Im proud of myself for maintaining NC since, there are still things that make it hard. For one, she has made absolutely no attempts to contact me at all, which in a way I’m thankful for, but in another way – just makes me feel really unimportant. I’ve tried to get out and date, but with each failed attempt, the breakup resurfaces in my mind. At this point, I don’t even feel like trying for a while, just to give my self esteem a rest and learn to be ok alone. So, I guess the point Im making here is that while NC is the only way to go, don’t expect it to be easy, and don’t expect to have to ignore calls, because they probably just wont come at all. I still wonder if I’ll ever hear from her again, but then I realize that she obviously doesn’t have anything to say that I want to hear, so what does it matter. I guess Im at a low point of sorts in my life, but I figure I still need a lot of time to get over this anyway. Im sorry to hear about your situation. It appears to me that you obviously miss her if you are upset about her not contacting you and wondering if you will ever hear from her again. Try not to get too down and low over this dude, seriously (I wish I could take my own advice!). She must miss you too you know, but all of those feelings of missing someone do eventually fade. Some days they may pop up, and at that time you will have to deal with them. Youve really just got to think about the fact that youre now single, you need to improve your life and that you deserve happiness. Thats what Im trying to do. My ex made me very god damn happy but the thought of him throwing our relationship down the toilet makes the hurting stop. There are some people out there that deserve what we can offer, its down to whether they choose to accept it or not. )
Author BCCA Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 I also wonder too, if I'll ever hear from her. Such a catch-22. On one hand, you dont want to be given breadcrumbs, used, or have your time wasted. But on the other, you at least want the other person to make some sort of effort to make things right or apologize or just say anything. I didnt exchange any holiday messages, and her birthday was last month, and I didnt say a word. I feel like that pretty much makes sure that I wont hear anything next month for my b-day, but who knows - maybe she wasnt going to acknowledge it anyway. Bleh...
Tryng2Trust08 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I know what you mean...you don't want their friendship because it just hurts, but not hearing from them hurts, too. I think only time is going to heal this and keeping NC. The feelings you had from her are fading, Im sure, they are there, but not as strong. As time goes on you are going to feel stronger and the feelings will fade more. Sometimes it helps to reflect...How were you last month, the month before and right after your breakup? Im sure you can see the differences. Just because she has made no attempts to contact you doesn't mean she isn't think of you and you havent crossed her mind. If she did keep contacting you, how wold that make you feel knowing she just wants friends? Im sure not soo good and maybe she is realizing this and giving you the space you have asked for or need. Not sure if you pray or are religious...but if Im thinking of my ex at night when I pray I wil mention his name, pray he is doing well and I hope he knows I am thinking of him(the good and bad, LOL), this seems to help.
northstar1 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Such a catch-22. On one hand, you dont want to be given breadcrumbs, used, or have your time wasted. But on the other, you at least want the other person to make some sort of effort to make things right or apologize or just say anything. I didnt exchange any holiday messages, and her birthday was last month, and I didnt say a word. I feel like that pretty much makes sure that I wont hear anything next month for my b-day, but who knows - maybe she wasnt going to acknowledge it anyway. Bleh... Yes, it is. What made it even harder is that we didn't end other than pure circumstance which made it impossible to carry on, so it was hard to even villainize her in my head. As more time goes by, she becomes more and more a stranger in my head, and that's what really bothers me. It damages the ego to think "Well, don't they wonder how I am?" I just want to get to the point where I dont' care.
Author BCCA Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 "Well, don't they wonder how I am?" I think thats the kicker. Its like, do they even care? Are they not calling because they have someone else, they are trying to give me space, or is it just because Im not that important...or all of the above? I think the offer of friends from someone who just dumped you is really a temporary thing. They know eventually youre going to get sick of it, and really - no self respecting person takes a downgrade in relationship status with a smile on their face. I feel like once they feel ok without you or realize youre not going to give them the friendship theyre asking for, they just move on, and never think to call you again. I can honestly say that Ive heard from a few ex's months down the road before, but then there are some that Ive never heard from again. I think its the not knowing that really makes your mind wonder. I just want to get to the point where I dont' care. I think we all do, but its one of those things that you cant time or expect. It just happens one day, you wake up and dont care.
Rogue52 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 You're not alone bud. I was with my girl for 6 years and getting married in May. She up and left. I found out she cheated on me and is now pregnant with the guy. You would think after all that I would be ticked off enough that I didn't care. Not the case. I don't think 5 minutes have gone by since she left that I don't think about her. NC sucks. You know it has to be that way, but you still wish they would at least try to contact you. Everyday I ask myself, "How could she do this to me after 6 years???"
northstar1 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I think thats the kicker. Its like, do they even care? Are they not calling because they have someone else, they are trying to give me space, or is it just because Im not that important...or all of the above? I think the offer of friends from someone who just dumped you is really a temporary thing. They know eventually youre going to get sick of it, and really - no self respecting person takes a downgrade in relationship status with a smile on their face. I feel like once they feel ok without you or realize youre not going to give them the friendship theyre asking for, they just move on, and never think to call you again. I can honestly say that Ive heard from a few ex's months down the road before, but then there are some that Ive never heard from again. I think its the not knowing that really makes your mind wonder. I think we all do, but its one of those things that you cant time or expect. It just happens one day, you wake up and dont care. It's hard. We had both agreed on NC when we broke up, as we both needed to move on and not have attachments, and apparently she's abiding to that, which I can respect, but it's the not knowing about everything else that drives you mental (ie do they even still think about me, are they not contacting me because they also think i've met someone else etc etc) I know that you and I won't break NC because we know the consequences and the futility of it
Author BCCA Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 I know that you and I won't break NC because we know the consequences and the futility of it I certainly wont. The thought seems tempting, but there is no way in the world I would go right back to square one 3 months later. I never told my ex to stop contacting me, I just told her we werent going to be friends for at least a few years, if ever. She knows Im not friends with any ex's of mine, too. You know it has to be that way, but you still wish they would at least try to contact you I guess what bothers me about that is that you know that if they had something important to say, they would call. So, now that they arent calling, you can go ahead and assume they didnt have anything to say to you that they think you want to hear. Dont get me wrong, better to not be bothered with bread crumbs, but it sucks nonetheless.
wowIlose Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 BCCA your not alone. I did NC for 6 months (hard NC) and one night I hang out with a friend I knew was also friends with her and we had pictures together on facebook. I unblocked her on facebook so she could see them (I just wanted her to see me I guess) and she ended up adding me as a friend when she saw the pictures. It took me a week of going back and forth on if I should accept it. I got weak and accepted the invite. We've been in touch ever since, and have gone out for breakfast. She asked me if I got her christmas card...I never got it because she got the address on it wrong. So I guess she was thinking of me during that time. I think they still think about us once in a while - how can someone forget if you where a big part of their life at one point? I don't think they can. We just make ourselves think they don't remember us anymore if we don't hear from them. Anyway, long story short I feel like I am taking steps back in my recovery process because I have let her reintiate contact when I am still not over her. Shes single now and has suggested hanging out again but I know all to well from past experiences(and forum posts) that none of this really means ****. Meanwhile I've been letting my actions speak for themselves - I've been very sexual around her. (not creepy sexual... but hey I am not here to be a friend type of sexual). We are supposed to see each other in about 10 days at her sisters bday party (she invited me to it). I am going to make my intentions known through action that day - if things go downhill I am back in full fledge NC mode again. I can't help but think I am making a mistake though... caliguy put it best... its easier to give advice than to follow it. Anyway, didn't mean to hijack, but know that I can completely relate that NC is not easy. Especially if you try dating around and it fails - makes you miss what you had that much more. I went of a few dates with a few good prospects only to never hear from some of these people again. Given I met them on an online dating website but still it brings you back thinking about your EX. Good luck my man - your not alone.
sad_panda Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Such a catch-22. On one hand, you dont want to be given breadcrumbs, used, or have your time wasted. But on the other, you at least want the other person to make some sort of effort to make things right or apologize or just say anything. I initiated NC right after my cheating ex dumped me, and I don't want him back ever, even just as a friend. But it hurts my pride and ego that I haven't been hearing from him at all (apart from a birthday greeting via text message last month). I wonder if I cross his mind sometimes, or if I've been totally erased. I wonder if he's so relieved that I decided to go NC. I know NC is for my benefit but sometimes it kills me to think that he's getting something good out of it, too. Every now and then I find myself wishing that he would bother me just so I could feel that I'm still important to him in some way, but I know I should be careful with what I wish for. In spite of all that, I'm still sticking to NC because it really has helped me a lot. Like everyone else here, I just want to get to the point where I don't care at all.
exclusive. Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Your definately not in it alone buddy, I am now 5 weeks NC although, last week I decided to send my ex a text message to ask her how the NC was making her feel? What happened?....You got it right, she didn't respond. Thats what hurts me the most, its one thing to not be tempted to iniciate contact but to completely ignore contact hurts more because I now know shes so not bothered, she cant even tell me in words. I think not knowing is the biggest thing that plays on my mind, atleast to hear she still doesnt care would perhaps make me one day accept it properly, instead the not replying to my contact was an even bigger blow to my ego. Dumbest thing is, I still wish everyday for the phonecall to tell me she's made the biggest mistake - I guess the day I stop wishing for that is the day im trully cured. But your not alone dude, and it completely sucks full well loving someone who doesn't care at all.
Ingenue Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 BCCA, you're not alone in this at all. I think all of us wonder about the ex. It'll be 9 months since I was dumped from my ex of 5 years. While I haven't thought much of my ex in the past few months, today I did because today would have been our 6 year anniversary. In the beginning when I imposed NC and didn't hear from him, I too wondered why. Had he moved on? Was he giving me space? Was he respecting my request for NC? When I eventually spoke to my ex after 6 months NC, I realised it was because he was busy dating another woman. I spoke to my ex about a month ago and he was lamenting about his current relationship and informed me how he missed me and our sense of camaraderie. Don't think for a moment that our exes don't think about us or remember us. For many of us, that chapter of our lives is over, as painful as it is. Hang in there BCCA, you will reach that point where it doesn't hurt so much. If I could pick myself off the floor where I was plastered, you can too.
audrey_1 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I was just thinking of breaking NC a few minutes ago. I'm so glad I caught this post just in then nick of time! Phew! Saved me from making a total a$$ out of myself. I'm not sure if I've ever felt this sick over anyone. It's been the hardest break of my life, but I'm trying to hang in there, taking each day one at a time. It's really all we can do. I'm so glad spring is here. I played tennis tonight and felt so good afterward! In my head, I realize there's no going back, but my heart aches at its mere suggestion. Hang in there, all.
sunshinegirl Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 You're definitely not alone! It's been 10 months for me and while life is moving on, I still think about the ex frequently and wonder if he ever thinks of me and feels bad for how he handled things. I will never break NC, however. I miss the guy I thought he was...and am still working on accepting the selfish, unremorseful cheater he ended up being. From what I hear through mutual friends, his life with the office hooch isn't all helium balloons and candy hearts. Some part of me wonders if I will hear from him if/when things blow up with this girl. But again, I am working on not caring either way.
Peter_pan Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 So, I guess the point Im making here is that while NC is the only way to go, don’t expect it to be easy, and don’t expect to have to ignore calls, because they probably just wont come at all. I still wonder if I’ll ever hear from her again, but then I realize that she obviously doesn’t have anything to say that I want to hear, so what does it matter. I guess Im at a low point of sorts in my life, but I figure I still need a lot of time to get over this anyway. yeah man i know how your feeling. my ex also never made contact. she said she wanted to stay in "contact" note she didnt say lets be friends. fair enough i told her i couldnt be in contact right now because what she did hurt me to much, but maybe in the future, she didnt really say much to that. (going straight out with a bar manager) but not to hear from her at all just plain hurts. and your right, if they want to be friends it would only be temporary or to elevate there own guilt and so if they know your ok with that arrangement then great they have won again and when i broke nc, she never replied to me. not even a happy bday. i dont get some people. she is with him to this very day but thats the way it is. i did hear through mutual people that they split up a few times but where working it out. and latest thing i heard was that they live together, so for me its really crap. seems like it worked out nicely for them im sure your be ok bud stay strong. or at least stronger than me and your be fine
gavinus Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Yes NC is the way to go, My ex GF dumped me 6 weeks ago now, I have seen her once (mistake!!) and had the odd friendly text so now I am NC. NC is good for moving on with your life but it still hurts when I don't hear from her, so now when I am tempted to text her I read these posts instead, that way the feeling will pass and NC will not be broken, and it saves me going through the entire grieving process again
kizik Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 she has made absolutely no attempts to contact me at all Neither has my ex-GF, man. But to be fair (even though yes, I did get dumped, I have accepted that fact), I haven't contacted her either. Eventually you realize that any contact, for any reason, by either party, is no good. It can only do harm. You already know this. I am sorry it hurts. I think about my ex every day. But I also live a better life without her. I have been on LS tonight talking a lot about pursuing your interests and hobbies as a way to not only to get over somebody, but more importantly, to make your life meaningful and exciting, for you and you only. What do you enjoy, BCCA? don’t expect it to be easy, and don’t expect to have to ignore calls, because they probably just wont come at all. Agreed, it is not easy. And sorry to all the hopers out there, but usually they do not call. There are plenty of new hearts to break.
Trialbyfire Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 BCCA, you're a great guy and don't ever forget that. Your ex made a big mistake when she let you go and for that matter, she probably never appreciated what you had to offer. Eff'em. Seriously. It takes time to move on and get your moxy back. When I say get your moxy back, that's that confidence level that won't take no for an answer. Hell, if you were older aka I was younger and not previously committed, I might even consider taking a run at you.
The Blue Pill Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 While Im proud of myself for maintaining NC since, there are still things that make it hard. For one, she has made absolutely no attempts to contact me at all, which in a way I’m thankful for, but in another way – just makes me feel really unimportant. I’ve tried to get out and date, but with each failed attempt, the breakup resurfaces in my mind. At this point, I don’t even feel like trying for a while, just to give my self esteem a rest and learn to be ok alone. Nice point. I'm sort of at this crossroads myself. I want to wait a few years until I get my life sorted out for MYSELF, and MAYBE someday down the road, someone will want to be a part of it WITH me. I'm still not over my ex, 6 months now, and I don't know how long it will take, but I'm not planning on another relationship for a long time.
mmk1 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 BCCA, you have wrote so many posts that have helped me implement and maintain NC that I am sure you know that NC and time is the answer. We all think about our exes when they leave but we all know what to expect when we break NC. You have provided me with strenght in the past through your posts and I tell you just to review some of your insightful posts from the past, draw on your own strenght to continue NC and move on to a better part of your life.
lonelygurl Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 First, I just want to say that I KNOW without a doubt that no contact is the only way to go. It really is the best way to get over a situation, find yourself, and keep from being hurt over and over. I definitely know that. Even still, it hasn’t made this ordeal suck any less A quick recap, I dated a girl for about 5 years, and she ended it, for the second time, in August. She had broken up with me about a year and a half before, and we were apart for a few months before getting back together. We didn’t really talk for about a month, met up, and I realized that she was just looking to be friends, and so I said no, and walked away. She texted me thanksgiving, asking if we could meet up. We did, and things went well. She invited me over to make me dinner and watch a movie. As much as I tried to, I couldn’t help but feel like this was a date, since I don’t make my friends dinner, and we hadnt hardly spoken since the split, so its not like we were just friends. Low and behold, she was just trying, once again, to lure me into this frienship I had said a million times wasn’t going to happen. I was very upset and emotional, and just told her that friends wasn’t going to happen, again, and left it at that. That was Dec 8. She sent me a text about a week later to say thanks for sending her sick father a card, but I didn’t respond. While Im proud of myself for maintaining NC since, there are still things that make it hard. For one, she has made absolutely no attempts to contact me at all, which in a way I’m thankful for, but in another way – just makes me feel really unimportant. I’ve tried to get out and date, but with each failed attempt, the breakup resurfaces in my mind. At this point, I don’t even feel like trying for a while, just to give my self esteem a rest and learn to be ok alone. So, I guess the point Im making here is that while NC is the only way to go, don’t expect it to be easy, and don’t expect to have to ignore calls, because they probably just wont come at all. I still wonder if I’ll ever hear from her again, but then I realize that she obviously doesn’t have anything to say that I want to hear, so what does it matter. I guess Im at a low point of sorts in my life, but I figure I still need a lot of time to get over this anyway. I can relate to how you feel. My X dumped me for the second time in December. I have not gone as long with NC. It has been broken several times by me. It has only been a couple of weeks although the last time was only about the computer he did stuff on. I think it hurts more the second time around then it did the first. The hurt and betrayal goes very deep. After allowing them back into our lives with so much trust. I am not any better and wonder when the pain will ever end. I have read and been told it takes a very long time to heal from a long term relationship. My in total was just over seven years, and I've been told it could take a year or more. Don't let anyone tell you how long it should take or what you should or shouldn't be doing. Everyone grieves in their own way and you will do what you need to in you own time.
Author BCCA Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 BCCA, you're a great guy and don't ever forget that. Your ex made a big mistake when she let you go and for that matter, she probably never appreciated what you had to offer. Eff'em. Seriously. It takes time to move on and get your moxy back. When I say get your moxy back, that's that confidence level that won't take no for an answer. Hell, if you were older aka I was younger and not previously committed, I might even consider taking a run at you. That means a lot, TBF, thanks for the kind words! And thanks to everyone else for your input and inspiration. Sometimes, we all just need a helping hand when we're down. TBF, your points about getting your mojo back are well taken, and I agree. Sometimes, as hard as it is, you almost have to take a step back before you can really take a step forward. You have to allow yourself the time and space to REALLY be ok being alone, otherwise, you just end up scaring everyone off. And trying to meet someone else before youre over an ex is always asking for trouble. Eff'em. Seriously Youre so right! I think its just that 'will they call?' in the back of your mind that always gets to me, but I'm moving on as best as I can. The relationship ended 7 monhts ago, and ive been NC since the first of December, though, so I'm well on my way.
blondesmiler Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Hey my friend.....its been you know what I can't exactly remember (around 18months I think) and I never heard anything from my ex after he left me.....I was a mess for along time, flip flopping with emotions like it was no tomorrow but I did have depression aswell.........but after around 8 months for me I really didn't care. You will get there is just takes practice, dertermination, some time and for me having lots of things to look forward too. Then you get to a place like me early last year where I just didn't care and now where I just have no feelings for him at all. I see you think "will she call" I guess with a hope that she will, what about having a hope for something else? Like a holiday, doing something you have always fancied trying ~ so you have that hope and thinking forwards, rather than backwards??
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