He was kind, caring, loveable and verbally abusive....dumped him but now miss him.

[LikkleMissConfused]

Trying to breakfree and cope from an abusive relationship

 

I had a long term relationship with the most kindest, caring and loveable person called Billy. It ended a year ago because I walked out.

 

I couldn't take the verbal abuse and being called a bitch everyday of the week and he had already assaulted me three times.

 

The verbal abuse is what made me tired and fed up. I ended up putting on so much weight that I became a size 14 and I'm only 5 feet tall. I have since been working out at the gym and am now a size 8/10.

 

I feel great but I still find myself burting into tears and missing him, hating him alsorts. He still txt's me time to time and has made it obvious that he wants me back.

 

I can't do it! Too much has happened and he has done too much to me.

 

How do I cope. I still a year on wake up every morning thinking of him, sleep thinking of him. I cry because of the pain he has caused me and I get depressed because of the way things have turned out.

 

I was also on anti-depressants because soon before the break up of our relationship by dad passed away. I feel I have coped with the death but sometimes wish Billy was dead because I would find it easier to cope with.

 

The abuse the love he gave me its so confusing. Yes I just want to hate him but I don't. How do I handle it. Whenever he txt or calls I don't respond but its been a year now. Please someone out there must have been through something similar. Help me please.

[moimeme]

If after a year, you cannot detach yourself emotionally from someone who abused you, you should look into getting professional help.

[LikkleMissConfused]

I have had counselling and am still attending. I know he isn't good for me thats why I am not going back but I am finding it hard. All the hopes and expectations I had from our relationship. WE bought a property together a nice car built ourselves up from being children to adults.

 

That is what I find difficult to cope with. I feel detached but I suppose I feel let down by god and life because I am the kind of person who is caring and generous I gave him more than I could because of the love I had for him. I find it difficult to beleive that he has abused me the way he has but how do I cope how do i move on how do I forget!

 

 

It may be black and white to you but it isn't to me. I've asked for some emotional support because professional help doesn't do anything except make you realise that someone is not good for you and I know that already.

[MercyRose]

WE bought a property together a nice car built ourselves up from being children to adults.

 

Every girls dream, a house, a car and someone to love and be loved to share life with.

 

I think that its your attachment to having every girls dream within your grasp and suddenly it turned to sand and slipped through your fingers that you can't let go of.

 

You knew you could have it with him. I assume you have known him since you are children? That makes it harder.

 

When you can't let go of a certain person its because you are afraid that you won't find another person willing to make your dream come true.

 

You obviously know Billy is no good so you have achieved a great deal through this realization.

 

But now you have to start believing in a new future, that there is someone better out there who can make you happy AND give you your dream.

 

In your case the problem is your belief in better the devil you know because you know you can have some of what you want. But your instinct tells you the price you will pay for having your dream will be misery and abuse.

 

Look for someone new to fulfill your dream.

[vollie]

"It may be black and white to you but it isn't to me. I've asked for some emotional support because professional help doesn't do anything except make you realise that someone is not good for you and I know that already."

 

Hmm.. makes me wonder where you are getting this "Emotional Support"? Is this sufficient? Is this person wise? Professional help may not necessarily be a psychologist, or organised form of therapy... perhaps you should go and speak to a good female church counsellor. (Yes, I said Church)... don't take this the wrong way, but I think that a good church counsellor, someone who is qualified to council, and not merely a wannabee councellor, would do you the world of good, and would help you to put things into perspective.

 

You obviously miss your partner so much that you cannot let go of the thought of not living with him. Fact - he has treated you horribly, and you do not do this to somebody you love. If you think that he did really love you, then consider that if you were to go back to him... this would repeat itself... possibly until one day he assaults you so badly that you will be .......?????

 

The mental abuse is probably the worst, though.

 

Move on, girl. Go and do some social things... you're looking great now... why not go joing a social club/activity of some sort... and look for ways top rebuild yourself and your social esteem.

 

Remember, you will never be happy unless you make the decision that misery is undesireable for your personal progress....

 

Happiness is a Choice!!!

[LikkleMissConfused]

Thank you for your reply. I don't have much objective support. He has been so rude and volient towards my family that they hate him so I found myself talking to nobody except myself, and then I cry. Yes MercyRose your right. I made my dream come true with Billy and that is what is so hard because it slipped away from me.

 

But i do realise that I have to move on forward and not look back. But I am frightened and I find it difficult to beleive that I will feel the same or even meet somebody new.

 

I have met many guys who are so nice and have shown me the way I should be treated, so I am aware but there was obviously something about Billy that captured me.

 

I am trying to move on. I have got a new job which means I will be working in a new city and away from all memories, but its only since he has been honest and we have sorted issues with the house and other property out that I have started to feel the good stuff that we had together.

 

Before I was so angry with the way he treated me I didn't have time to feel like the way I do.

 

I hate feeling care and kind thoughts for him because he treated me like dirt, and he doesn't deserve my feelings as he didn't take care of them when i gave them to him.

 

I go to the temple alot to get some peace. Emotionally I feel bruised and scarred and I think it will stay with me for a while.

 

Thank you for all the advice, if you have anymore I will accept it with open arms.

[Iamhappy]

Hello there, friend.

 

Please hang in there. I know what you're going through because I'm going through the same things myself. There are some days when I just feel so detached, so abnormal, that I would cut off my left arm just to feel human again. Some days I feel like throwing in the towel and vow never to let myself be hurt again by never allowing myself to get close to or fall in love with someone who could be right for me.

 

I think it's normal to think of his good qualities especially when times are tough, like when you're lonely, sad, feeling insecure and unhappy.

 

But the thing is, as my friend Merry (you know who you are) would say, no matter how many great qualities he has, he isn't good enough for you.

 

I know that your head might already know this, but your heart doesn't. I have trouble myself trying to extricate myself, my identity from the ex. I've found that going to a therapist once a week, meds and support from friends and family help a great deal.

 

You can always pm me when you need support or a shoulder to cry on.

 

Lots of love and a big hug to you, friend.

[MercyRose]

But i do realize that I have to move on forward and not look back. But I am frightened and I find it difficult to believe that I will feel the same or even meet somebody new.

 

All women fear this after a break up. And every single woman I have met so far found someone new and said the new guy was much better than the old guy.

 

 

I have met many guys who are so nice and have shown me the way I should be treated, so I am aware but there was obviously something about Billy that captured me.

 

All women get attached to men with time whether he is good or bad for them. Most of the problems on this forum is this precise situation, that is, attachment. There is someone else out there who will 'capture you' if you give him a chance. It just takes time.

 

I never thought my last bf would capture me but he did eventually. Then when I was attached he changed for the worse and I was still attached. Like you I now realize he was wrong for me but unlike you I believe there is a better man out there waiting for me

 

So I am happy with myself and believe the future which is unknown is exciting because anything could happen. How exciting is that?

 

I hate feeling care and kind thoughts for him because he treated me like dirt, and he doesn't deserve my feelings as he didn't take care of them when i gave them to him.

 

Try to have compassion for him. He must have some deep hurts inside him to treat a person who loves him like that. Forgive him for taking out his hurts on you. He doesn't know any better.

 

Be proud of yourself for having enough self-respect for yourself to leave such a bad situation.

 

Have compassion for him because until he loves himself he will continue on this self-destructive path and hurt whoever tries to love him. What kind of a life is that? But thats his problem not yours.

 

You have dealt with your problem. All you need is hope and faith that the future will bring you what you desire. Your future sounds a lot brighter than his.

 

I think what you really need to forgive him for is not being who you wanted him to be. How simple would it have been if he wasn't abusive so you could stay with him and have your dream? I think you are angry at him and won't forgive him because he took away your dream with his behaviours.

 

If only he was....

If only he wasn't...

 

But the reality is he isn't.

 

He is what he is.

 

Thats why you need to accept his right to be the person he is and you need to have compassion for the behaviours that stem from deep hurts that make him behave the way he does and then forgiveness will naturally flow and you will finally be able to let go and move on with your life.

[LikkleMissConfused]

Reading your reply brings tears in my eyes because what you say is so true.

 

Yes I hate him for being that nasty person and taking my hope and faith away. Like you said give it time

[moimeme]

All the hopes and expectations I had from our relationship.

 

I truly believe that one of the greatest difficulties in ending a relationship is giving up the dream that THIS is THE ONE and that the future you'd always hoped and longed for has finally arrived. I think those first hopes and expectations imprint very strongly on us and we long very much for them to be fulfilled. Even when a person turns out to have bad qualities, we cling to the hope that things will work our and all will be well because we wanted the dream to come true so badly. As Mercy Rose said, you will find someone else to live the dream with - and won't it be so much better to live a 'happy ever after' with a man who cherishes and cares for you rather than treats you like dirt?

[LikkleMissConfused]

Its hard because I have detached myself and felt as though I was away from it all . But suddenly I am involved in it all again.

 

The reasons behind this I beleive could be because I have a new job that I am moving too, new things happening in my life that really show that

really show that it is all over and done with. I like to give myself a hard time as I really at this moment in my life have nothing to worry about or no reason to feel the way I do but I do feel this way and I am finding it difficult.

 

I suppose I am putting a close to it all and it is hard. Yes I am hoping time hurries up and passes by quickly so I don’t feel like this anymore.

[Fancy]

I strongly suggest you pick up a copy of The Emotionally Abused Woman by Beverly Engel and do all the exercises in the book. I think it would really help you.

[amerikajin]

He's a manipulator, and evidently a pretty good one.

 

Professional abusers are also professionals when it comes to controlling their mates. They isolate and control. The first thing they do is chase off your friends and your family, because as long as you have them, you have a source of strength that makes the abuser feel inferior. Abusers fell very inferior deep down inside, so they compensate for it by trying to bring you down to their level. That's what he's doing to you - making you feel like you can't have a life without him.

 

My advice is to do whatever you can to stay away from this guy at all costs. Something else, get a new telephone number and don't give it out to him. He keeps testing you by texting you. Get away from this guy and cut him out of your life completely. And if he tries to track you down, get a lawyer or call the police and take care of him that way. He may end up ruining his own life, but don't let him ruin yours.

[vollie]

Take heed of an important thing that MercyRose said...

 

Forgiveness.

 

I think that whilst it is important to be getting some help with all of this, from others who will objectively be able to point you in the right direction to what may appear to be the way out of all of this for you... you will still need to forgive him for all he has done to you... You do not forgive someone for their benefit, but for YOURS, so that you no longer carry the weight of the hurt around with you.

 

Forgiveness has a way of releasing all this, and freeing us from having to live with a problem.... But do remember that it will be up to him and not you, to change his behaviour and it would appear that he will be carrying this type of behaviour with him and inflicting it on all and sundry until the day he admits to himself that he has a problem.

 

You have been beaten down to a point where you have little self esteem. You do not deserve to be where you are, and God did not intend for us to live a life of misery. He loves you very much and cares about every aspect of your life and He knows exactly what you are going through... perhaps you could talk to Him too, as you work your way through all this.

 

Much love,

 

me.

[vollie]

Listen also to what amerikajin has just posted... she's SPOT ON!

 

Think about yourself....don't waste your life away!!!!!