virtuous Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Hi, my name is Kelly, I am 24, semi successful, and a kind soul. I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years, since we were 13. For the most part, we are happy. Very in love, he is my very best friend. I believe we have grown together, over the years and life seems so be going great. Except for the fact that i feel he is not commited to our future. He always tells me, that I am the one for him, that he is definetley going to marry me. ... yet, we both still live at home, and are not engaged. He is almost done with school. And i am very supportive of the fact that he is figuring out what he wants to do with his career, and it may take a while to get to that point. I don't mind struggling for a time, while we get our lives together, as long as we do it as a team. His main thing, is that he does NOT want to struggle, he wants to finish school and maybe get his masters, and live at home the whole time, and get a job before we start our life together. I am so FREAKING frustrated with this. I have been so supportive and loving and have waited for so long... I am ready to start my family with him. Am i being unfair? Is he?? Are we too young still and so i should be patient??? I think he can go to school, and work, and we can still have our own place and be engaged. I am not asking him to give up his dreams, just include me in his plans. Can someone please help me... I am so lost. UHHHHHHHHHH. Kelly
prettybaby Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Is this something you ever addressed to him? 24 is a decent age to move in together and start making clearer plans as far as marriage is concerned. Starting a family can wait a few more years, but really, at 24, I think you should just sit down with him and have a long honest discussion. Those points are important. PS: you mention his studies and his future job. Do you do anything at the moment?
stillafool Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Well you have to respect his decisions and his plans. Now if they don't meet with your plans for your life then you have to make the decision as to whether you want to wait around or not. If he is your age and going for his masters he may be 30 before he is really ready to settle down and marry. Are you willing to wait until 30 to marry and have kids? What about your career and plans for yourself, is there a career plan for you?
Island Girl Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 You just need to talk with him. Talk to him about what you are feeling and what your future looks like and then listen to him tell you what he sees. I'm sure there will be some compromising that needs to go on but you have been together 10 years(!!) so you have already worked through some problems I'm sure. You are just feeling you'd like a little more security in your relationship and your future. It's perfectly understandable. Talk to him and put it all out there so you two can get on the same page. You'll feel so much better and both of you will know where the oher stands and the "game plan". Good luck to you and congratulations on staying together through such tumultuous years! Not many can weather the storm of adolescence and stay together!
chrislovestosurf Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Maybe it is me but why on earth do people need a ring to feel bonded to someone. 24 isnt exactly the age that men want to get married. If I were you I would be careful.. If he has only been with you since 13 then he may realize, especially at 24, that he needs to fulfill other desires before settling down. To have slept with one girl your entire life is nice in a way, but in my opinion extremely unhealthy. I dont mean to scare you but come on, think about this for a min.
jadelil25 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 You need to sit down and talk to him, let him know how you feel and ask him to be honest about how he feels and where he sees the relationship going. Ask him to be honest about what he wants and feels and where he sees you in a few years time. You also need to be honest about what you want and feel. Communication is key in any relationship and 24 is a reasonable age to be thinking about settling down. Maybe come to a compramise with him. Talk to him about moving in first and see how you get on living together for a while and then talk about getting engaged. Let him know just because you are living together it does not mean that he has to stop seeing his friends or doing his own thing and having space. Just tell him that it is a step which you need to take to move the relationship forward. If he does love and care about you like he says he does and you feel the same then im sure that you will be able to work things out and come to a comparamise. This is a thing which you do when in a serious relationship. I think doing it step by step would be best. Try moving in together first and then maybe in about 9 months to a year talk about engagement. I would not talk about the engagement so much tho. It is not good to try and push a guy in to it and im sure that he will do it when the time is right and when you least expect it. If he is not willing to compramise and you are not willing to wait around then as hard as it is the time has come to end the relationship and move on with your life.
manugeorge Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 One thing to always consider when you reach the marriage snag is, "do you see yourself with him WITHOUT marriage"? Especially when there is no hurry to start procreating. It lets you know if you want to get married just to be married or if being with him, with or without marriage, is more important to you? He does have legitimate "hold ups".--not wanting the burden of a wife and family while he's stuck with the burden of school is not unreasonable. He may feel like he won't have enough time/energy/money to dedicate to both. Rent, these days is what, at least $1,000, I'd live at home too if I could. Unless you are absolutely ready to start having kids, I don't see the harm in waiting. 10 years IS a long time, sure, but you started dating at 13 so it is safe to say that the first 6 or so years of that 10 is less significant than the last few years. Like everyone has said, communicate with him...honestly about your wants but don't forget to try and see things from his perspective too.
bean1 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 virtuous, My best friend and his girlfriend are 23/24 and have been dating for 9(!) years. He says the same thing as your boyfriend. I have asked him why he has not married her yet (I am female so of course I wonder this!) Here are his reasons: - His career is not established yet - His degree is not finished yet Until those are complete, he does not feel he can be married. Men and women are different. We take pride in being a wife/mother BEFORE a career (well most of us anyways), whereas men take pride in their career being established BEFORE marriage. My best friend is MY friend, she is a friend but he was mine first. He has no reason to lie to me about these things. He says he will marry her when these things are established. Although 10 years is a long time, you can't expect a 2-3 year timeline (which is common for most marriages from dating to engagement) because you were much younger when you started dating.
Author virtuous Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 Thanks so much for all of the insight. It means alot that you took time out of your day (all of you) to give your opinion. The good and the bad, lol. I know we are in love, I just feel we need more to be secure. For me to feel secure and commited in our relationship. But i guess the rules change a little when you spend the 1st 4 years of your relationship in highschool hallways. We were so young , and immature. And still have so much growing to do, i know. The thing is i am trying to communicate with him, he is just being so stubborn. He keeps saying " i am me", as in he wants to finish school and be established before he moves out or engages me. I have the choice to accept this, i guess, or move on. But we really are in love, we laugh alot, we have a great sex life... all in all, our life is great, except for this. I am so confused. But thank you again so much, for the help. Gnite
MN randomguy Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 One thing to think about, I don't know what you are doing with your life right now. But, if you were married you could probably get financial aid and it may not be that big of a financial burden. I'm a bit worried in that he expects to get through life without struggling. I don't understand why someone would consider this a worthy goal. Sounds a little immature to get married. I would recommend never getting married or loving anyone if this were your goal.
MN randomguy Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 struggle financially. Yeah, I get what you're saying, but is financial struggling different than other types of struggling? I'm dealing with this now. I feel inadequate as a provider. Especially when I see women all giddy about 2 karat rings and $40K weddings. Heck my friend is a wedding photographer that charges $2K. I'll be an old man if I have to get married that way. My mom had the idea that she would never struggle financially when she got married. Then, my dad's industry suffered a decade and a half of hard times. So did his business. She got bitter towards him. The lesson I took away is don't say "for richer or poorer, for better or worse, 'til death due you part." and assume you're going to get the richer and better part.
lilmizznikstar Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 oh you poor thing I can understand what you mean, if someone doesn't know after 10 years when will they know? If you are willing to wait, then wait, but if you are not, you need to tell him this. If he isn't committed after 10 years, you need to get yourself someone who will be I wish you all the best of luck - Nikki xox
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Just curious - what can you get by being married (or even just engaged) that you aren't getting right now? You know he's around for the long term (10 years) and you know he loves you and you're happy in the relationship with him. It sounds to me like he's trying to be responsible - to be at a stable place before jumping into a family. That's a very wise thing to do. I feel if you pressure him into marriage, he'll end up resenting you if he does go through with it.
stillafool Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Just curious - what can you get by being married (or even just engaged) that you aren't getting right now? You know he's around for the long term (10 years) and you know he loves you and you're happy in the relationship with him. It sounds to me like he's trying to be responsible - to be at a stable place before jumping into a family. That's a very wise thing to do. I feel if you pressure him into marriage, he'll end up resenting you if he does go through with it. This is how I feel. Why is it so important to get married so young? Do you have career plans of your own or are you just waiting on him?
prettybaby Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 So you still haven't answered this pretty important question: what are you doing with your own life right now? Do you make any money? Any career plans?
Lucky_One Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Do you have a job that can support a young couple, married or otherwise? I was a bit surprised that you don't feel secure in your relationship, and that you feel an engagement/ring/marriage would provide that. If you don't feel secure after 10 years, then either something is making you feel insecure OR you will NEVER feel secure, no matter how many diamonds he buys you. Men tend to be providers. They don't jump into situations where they are expected to/where they want to provide, if they are unprepared for that. I think he is being pretty smart about finishing school myself.
bean1 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 To be honest, I see this whole thread as a sign that the OP herself is not ready for marriage. As a couple, you guys are not in a financially stable place for marriage. Where are you going to get the money to pay for invitations, flowers, a delivery surcharge with the caterer, an extra $200 from the bar tab, etc? Your boyfriend cannot afford to give you these things and I assume isn't interested in putting it on a high interest credit card. THAT is the sign of a man who, when the time comes, is ready for the commitment!
LovieDove24 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 This is how I feel. Why is it so important to get married so young? Do you have career plans of your own or are you just waiting on him? It doesn't matter whether or not its important to YOU...its important to the OP. Don't try and minimize her wants and needs, just because they don't match your own.
Treasa Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I don't think the 10 years should have anything to do with it if the relationship started when they were 13/14. Geez, that's five years before adulthood even technically begins. He may love her very much, but like most guys, he wants to have accomplished things and be ready before he gets married. Quite honestly, I feel the same way. I know a lot of people are married when they're 24, but I think that MANY of them would have gotten some benefit from taking a few more years, establishing themselves, saving some money, and then getting married.
Treasa Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 It doesn't matter whether or not its important to YOU...its important to the OP. Don't try and minimize her wants and needs, just because they don't match your own. If the OP comes here, presumably she's looking for advice. Every person who replies has the right to give his/her own opinions and insight. The OP has every right to refuse the advice given, but that doesn't invalidate the questions meant to get the OP thinking.
manugeorge Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Maybe the OP doesn't feel secure because she doesn't think he will marry her afterall. Struggling is part of life and yes, it's more bearable when you have someone to go through it with but having the foresight to prevent/minimize struggle where you can is part of being a mature adult. His parents allow him to live with them rent free while he is in school, he'll be a fool not to seize that opportunity...especially in this dire economy. Working to make rent is one less thing he'll have to worry about so he can concentrate on school. If you plan on having children too, it's better to wait until you have a steady paycheck coming in so you'll be able to take care of them better. If you truly love each other and are really committed to each other, marriage is really just tax breaks and taking his last name.
susyq76 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Sorry, 10 years doesn't count when you're only 24!!!! To me, anything that happened before 22 is pushing it. You guys are JUST becoming real full fledge adults. Focus on YOU right now and if you stay with the guy, marriage will come. If you move on, marriage will come with someone else. 10 years starting at 13 is like 6 months for grown ups.
roxy_1980 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Alot of guys want to finish school and establish themselves financially before getting married. Just like society tells women to marry, society tells men that they need to have something to offer.
Author virtuous Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 i'm done with school, i manage for a cosmetics company. im an esthetician and make up artist. i dont need his money, or want it.. its about us, our love... or so i thought
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