Dexter Morgan Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 When our MC realized my husband needed the truth to heal, she offered me some guidelines. She told me to answer his questions truthfully, but with compassion. Meaning, don't carry on about how the OM made you giddy, gave you butterflies, or how aroused he made you feel. These kind of details serve no purpose but to twist the knife you already drove into him. Telling him you "fell in love" answers his question appropriately and honestly. It gives him enough detail to know how deep your feelings were for the other man. Well, no matter what the circumstances, you know me...i would leave the relationship anyway. but lets assume I wanted to try to work it out. If my "SO" told me that she fell in love with the OM, my first reaction would be..."ok...go have him and get out".
Author kittygirl Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 Kitty, Why are posting here? What do you expect? You are asking people who have been betrayed, if you should tell the person you are betraying. What do you imagine they will say. I know you think you love your husband. But what I really believe is, you can't accept that you betrayed your husband again. Because if you did, that makes you a serial cheater. Tell your husband, my impression is that he will forgive you again. And you can continue your addiction and shame spiral. With him there to love and enable you. For your information, I have posted on this site because I read the following in Forum Guidelines: This particular forum is focused on discussing the problems and experiences of those who are in relationships with cheating partners, or who are themselves cheating on their partners. It is certainly appropriate for others who are not in such a situation to offer their insight to posters here; however, it is only appropriate if it's done in a respectful and helpful manner. I apologize to anyone who is offended by my posts. I came here to get neutral feedback from people who aren't involved. I did tell my husband about the second A with the OM and I am having a hard time dealing with my feelings. I still feel like I love the OM but at the same time, I love my family and don't want to hurt my H any longer. I really am here due to guilt. I didn't realize he loved me so much and I am having a difficult time believing it now...is he just doing this because he feels like he loses somehow if he lets me go? I am not proud of what I have done. I am trying to clean this mess up and devote my life to making this up to him. I am still very confused because I am still grieving over the OM. I am in a depression from hell. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me, I know that there are quite a few on this board that has been BS and I apologize if reading my posts bring up old feelings.
65tr6 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I apologize to anyone who is offended by my posts. . I doubt if you offended anyone here. I didn't realize he loved me so much and I am having a difficult time believing it now.... My wife made that statement few months ago. Some of us men are very guilty of not explicitly communicating those feelings...or worse send mixed signals via our actions that can be interpreted in a very negative manner. is he just doing this because he feels like he loses somehow if he lets me go? .... I dont know if that matters but the bottom line is his gut says he wants to work on your marraige, what is wrong with that ? I am trying to clean this mess up and devote my life to making this up to him. I am still very confused because I am still grieving over the OM. .... Then be open and honest with your husband. Take it one day at a time. Your "confusion" will go away. I know that there are quite a few on this board that has been BS and I apologize if reading my posts bring up old feelings. Not one bit for me. If anything I want you to know that my wife went through/is still going through a lot of what you are feeling. Know that you are not alone.
bentnotbroken Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I am not offended, but I don't believe anyone truly heals with lies still between them.
taylor Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Well, no matter what the circumstances, you know me...i would leave the relationship anyway. but lets assume I wanted to try to work it out. If my "SO" told me that she fell in love with the OM, my first reaction would be..."ok...go have him and get out". Dexter, Guaranteed this OP's husband already knows how she feels about her OM. How? By her behavior. She has already fallen into a horrible depression, grieving the loss of the OM. Her husband would have to be blind not to see the effect this loss is having on her. Telling her husband she fell in love would probably be just confirming what he already knows. If he asks, she needs to be honest with him. He deserves it. If she tries to hide it, he will always have doubts and suspicions. She will never be able to regain his trust. Telling my husband I fell in love with the OM was the lowest point in our marital recovery. I didn't admit this to him for several months after D-day. I was still trying to deny it to myself even. But he and I both knew better. I even argued with my MC about it. She also knew better. But realizing and admitting my feelings was a huge step in recovery. Sure, my husband could have done what you would have done...walked away or kicked me out. But he didn't. In spite of what I confessed, he still wanted to work on the marriage. It came as a relief. People fall in love all the time. It's an intense euphoric feeling, but it is fleeting. It has no foundation, no real strength. It can go as fast as it came. It's transitory because it is just a feeling. Unless there is a committment to let that feeling grow into something more or unless there is an environment where that feeling can be nurtured, that feeling fades over time. And with enough time, that feeling dies and a person can fall out of love. The question is how deep are this OP's feelings for this OM. She has known him for a long time. And there was ample time for "in love" feelings to fade between affairs but apparently this didn't happen. So it makes me wonder if her feelings for this OM extend beyond the euphoric highs that come with "falling in love." Twice with the same man...that is a difficult fact to ignore. I hope the OP takes a good hard look at what's really in her heart.
taylor Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 For your information, I have posted on this site because I read the following in Forum Guidelines: This particular forum is focused on discussing the problems and experiences of those who are in relationships with cheating partners, or who are themselves cheating on their partners. It is certainly appropriate for others who are not in such a situation to offer their insight to posters here; however, it is only appropriate if it's done in a respectful and helpful manner. I apologize to anyone who is offended by my posts. I came here to get neutral feedback from people who aren't involved. I did tell my husband about the second A with the OM and I am having a hard time dealing with my feelings. I still feel like I love the OM but at the same time, I love my family and don't want to hurt my H any longer. I really am here due to guilt. I didn't realize he loved me so much and I am having a difficult time believing it now...is he just doing this because he feels like he loses somehow if he lets me go? I am not proud of what I have done. I am trying to clean this mess up and devote my life to making this up to him. I am still very confused because I am still grieving over the OM. I am in a depression from hell. I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me, I know that there are quite a few on this board that has been BS and I apologize if reading my posts bring up old feelings. kittygirl, Post wherever you darn well please. No one "owns" these forums. I had an emotional affair with a coworker and my husband and I are now in marital recovery. I frequent several forums here to gain insight regarding marriage in general, infidelity in general, break ups and coping, as well as to learn from the experiences of all involved in an affair..the WS, the BS, and the OW/OM. To tie yourself to one site limits the knowledge and insight you can potentially gain by frequenting several of the forums. With that said, let me say that I have written similar words to what you have written up above with regard to your affair. I fell into the most horrible depression following the end of my affair..never felt like that in my life, ever. I went on both anti-depression meds and anti-anxiety meds to cope...that's how bad it was. That's all I did was cry. Half the time I was sick to my stomach. I couldn't function. I withdrew from everyone. The emotional roller coaster ride was torturous and I thought it would never end. But it does. You are grieving a loss just like any other loss. Some say an affair is like an addiction...the feelings are very intense. And when you lose the source of that addiction, the OM, you go thru withdrawal, just like an addict that can't get his fix. I believe it. I've been thru break-ups before but nothing like what I went thru last year. It was like a living hell. Hang in there. The withdrawal doesn't last forever. If you stay NC with the OM, you will start to gain strength and control over your feelings. And you will start to see things more clearly. Keeping a journal helped me immensely to vent and to sort thru a thousand emotions. I felt the same guilt you are feeling with regard to your husband. I kept telling my husband he didn't deserve me. That was the guilt talking. At the time, it wasn't the affair I was so guilty about...it was my inability to show my husband the love he was begging for...the reassurance he was looking for...in the weeks right after the affair. Stubborn feelings for the OM prevented me from responding to my husband with the love and affection he craved. My husband also reacted the way your husband is reacting. My husband called it his "wake-up call." He had this knee jerk reaction to fix everything he thought was troubling our marriage...overnight. He clung to me and showered me with so much love and affection...love and affection i had a hard time accepting because of residual feelings for the OM. I often said, "Why now..why not 3 years ago." I questioned his sincerity as well. But the thing is..he was sincere. It wasn't an act. It was real. For my husband, it was a matter of showing his love for me. We had both stopped showing our love to each other. For the past year we have been working on that...showing each other the love that is in our hearts. Over time I dealt with my feelings for the OM although they remained a huge roadblock in marital recovery for a long time. It took time and distance helped to diminish the feelings I had for the OM. And as the affair fog lifted, I was able to put things in perspective. It took lots of time. Now is the time to really take a good look inside yourself. You have alot to sort thru. Once you can get your emotions under control, it will be easier to sort thru everything. It's a painful process, but a necessary one. By the way, this week marks one year since the end of my affair. My husband and I have come a long way. It's been a million tiny baby steps to get where we are today. It does get better. Hang in there. I wish you the best. Keep posting.
Author kittygirl Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 Taylor, Thank you for your insight. It helps so much to hear from someone who has been there/done that and survived. The OM and I have been talking today. I know that is wrong but I just can't stand to be away from him. I really do feel like I love him. He called me today and told me he can't go on without me and that his love is real. I do believe him because as much as I hate to admit it, I feel the same. I have looked at my situation and it is pretty obvious that I must love him. I went to him twice and when I don't have him in my life, I am MISERABLE. Now, what to do next...that is the painful part. I could either go off in the sunset and hurt my husband again or let him go completely and always wonder "What if..".
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Now, what to do next...that is the painful part. I could either go off in the sunset and hurt my husband again or let him go completely and always wonder "What if..". Or, you divorce your husband so HE can find someone to love and someone who won't cheat on him. WHY would you stay married to him, hurt him and cheat on him? GET A DIVORCE and let your husband go. There is no 'what if' when it comes to your husband. Either you end it with the OM forever and fix your marriage, or you divorce and then be with your OM. You can't have it both ways anymore, and that includes contact with the OM while you're still with your H.
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I know that is wrong but I just can't stand to be away from him. I really do feel like I love him. He called me today and told me he can't go on without me and that his love is real. I do believe him because as much as I hate to admit it, I feel the same. Be honest and tell your H this. He needs to hear the truth of everything. The sooner the better, that way your H can get help and try to deal with the loss of the marriage.
Author kittygirl Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 You are exactly right...I think that is what I must do. I am going to let my H go because I know that I will do this again. I know that I seem like a real piece of work to the ones out there who have been the BS...believe me, I would have thought the same thing about someone else until I have lived this terrible drama. I didn't wake up one day and say "OK, now I am going to have an Affair and screw up my wonderful marriage". My marriage was flawed and I admit that I didn't help things one bit. I did fall in love with the OM and I think that it is only fair to let my H go because I can't shake these feelings. It isn't fair to my H to keep hanging on...he deserves so much better.
taylor Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 what to do next...that is the painful part. I could either go off in the sunset and hurt my husband again or let him go completely and always wonder "What if..". Take a deep breath. Get your emotions under control. Step back. Process. Communicate your feelings openly, honestly and completely with your husband. This is HIS decision time, too, you know. Don't make ANY hasty decisions in the next few weeks while your emotions are running high. Get into MC/IC ASAP to help you see things clearly and to help you move towards the right decision for you and your husband. Continue to search your heart. The answers will become more obvious to you..and you will become more confident of them the more you self-reflect and communicate with your husband. It's a painful but necessary task for change to take place. Do not leave your marriage FOR the OM. Leave your marriage because you are miserable, your husband is miserable, you don't love him anymore, and because you don't want to recommit to him or work on salvaging the marriage. Do not stay in your marriage because it's the moral thing to do or because you fear hurting your husband. You will hurt your husband FAR MORE if you stay in a loveless marriage with him. He deserves better. If you care about him you will set him free to find someone who will love him 100 percent. It will hurt him in the short run but help him in the long run. Do not try to stay in your marriage and continue to have any sort of relationship with the OM on the side. You've already been there and done that TWICE. The pain and confusion you and your husband are feelings from this choice should tell you this is the WRONG choice. Stay in your marriage only if you can END your relationship with the OM forever because unless you can do this, your marriage has no chance of recovery..might as well not even try. I see our posts crossed, sorry.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Taylor, Thank you for your insight. It helps so much to hear from someone who has been there/done that and survived. The OM and I have been talking today. I know that is wrong but I just can't stand to be away from him. I really do feel like I love him. He called me today and told me he can't go on without me and that his love is real. I do believe him because as much as I hate to admit it, I feel the same. :sick::sick: Enough already. File for divorce and set your husband free from you already. Your husband will be hurt, but in the long run this is the best thing for him. He deserves someone decent.
bentnotbroken Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 You are exactly right...I think that is what I must do. I am going to let my H go because I know that I will do this again. I know that I seem like a real piece of work to the ones out there who have been the BS...believe me, I would have thought the same thing about someone else until I have lived this terrible drama. I didn't wake up one day and say "OK, now I am going to have an Affair and screw up my wonderful marriage". My marriage was flawed and I admit that I didn't help things one bit. I did fall in love with the OM and I think that it is only fair to let my H go because I can't shake these feelings. It isn't fair to my H to keep hanging on...he deserves so much better. Letting you H go is the kindest thing you can do for him at this point. Respect him enough by telling him the truth and then moving toward divorce. Just for the record all marriages have flaws, problems and issues.
jnj express Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Kitty you are all messed up in your thinking. 1st as to your H. no trickle truth, tell him everything down to the smallest detail. HE CAN NOT HEAL IF HE DOESN'T KNOW EVERYTHING, there is to be nothing left to the imagination. As to you and your 20 year old mge, that has lost its passion and fire. Turn it around Kitty, there would be NO PASSION AND FIRE IF YOU WERE MARRIED TO THE OM, EITHER. You have to come up with new ways to make things work. Marriage is hard enough as it is, without one partner cheating and excusing it with drivel like you are. Tell me kitty, how long do you think you would last with OM if things were REAL with him, like paying bills, worrying about money, dealing with household repairs, dealing with all of a marriages problems. How long would this OM hold up to that. Your H. is a real man, your OM is a conniving SKUNK, (and i do not mean to put down skunks) who would steal an innocent mans wife away from him, with his BS about love, and I can't get along without you. I bet you 2 wouldn't last 2 months in the real world. Instead of doing the hard things to make your mge work, you gave your self over to another man and his crock about love. YOU DO NOT DESERVE YOUR H. Give him a break and divorce your H. See how long you last in the real world with your conniving skunk.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Kitty so you just said you wont be faithful?? is that what your doing, running away and gonna go from man to man, all because your feelings and emotions are outta wack? Only you can make you happy dont blame the marriage had problems, your affair trumps everything! dont be a coward and run away! face the consequences and man the hell up!
awkward Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Here are my two cents. First, I think you should tell your husband and have some compassion for him while you tell him. He needs to be able to make some choices as well. Remember at one time you truly loved this man. Next, I think it would benefit you to separate from the OM and your husband for a bit. You could use this time to work on yourself. Once you step away from the situation and get a clear head it will be easier for you to make good choices. Good luck.
65tr6 Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 You are exactly right...I think that is what I must do. I am going to let my H go because I know that I will do this again. I know that I seem like a real piece of work to the ones out there who have been the BS...believe me, I would have thought the same thing about someone else until I have lived this terrible drama. I didn't wake up one day and say "OK, now I am going to have an Affair and screw up my wonderful marriage". My marriage was flawed and I admit that I didn't help things one bit. I did fall in love with the OM and I think that it is only fair to let my H go because I can't shake these feelings. It isn't fair to my H to keep hanging on...he deserves so much better. kg, I agree with jnj and awkward....Take a deep breath, relax..... First step...Confess everything to your husband. I see you rewriting history big time in your post above..Justifying, rationalizing every which way you can about your affair. That's what WWs do. You are no exception. You need to let you husband know first. You can tell him that you want to divorce him BUT confess first.
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