kittygirl Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I posted last week about my situation. Thank you for the responses. I have ended things with the OM and am working with my husband. In case you didn't read the first post, this is the second time I had A and it was with the same person. I felt like I really loved him. My husband and I are trying to pull through this. He wants me to be 100% honest with him...He is asking questions about the A, did I love the OM, etc. I just don't know about telling him how in love I felt with the OM and that I experienced feelings with him that I never experienced with my H. Would it be inappropriate to lay it down and tell my husband how intense the A was...that we felt like we were in love? I don't want to hurt him any further so I keep that part out. I feel terrible about this and really don't need to hear what a terrible person I am. I already know. A part of me feels like he needs to know because I still have very strong feelings for the OM(there has been NC for two weeks now) but then I don't want to hurt my H anymore. What can I do to ease the heartache? I think I should just go on with life and not discuss that part but is that the right thing to do? I don't trust my judgement right now...look what I did (again). I am in such a depression and I really am angry with myself that I did this to my family (again). On top of all this, I have been battling an addiction and I fear it is going to be the death of me. We are supposed to start MC and IC but it won't be for at least one month since we don't have insurance and there are limited options. Thanks for listening....
jwi71 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 You have NO choice but to be honest with your H. He asks a question, you answer. 100% honest. You CANNOT ever tell your H a lie about anything. EVER. That means about anything. Every lie further whittles the foundation of your new M (the old M died after the first, then second A). So yes, you tell him how intense it was. You tell him you "loved " the OM. Its 100% openness, honesty and integrity.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Would it be inappropriate to lay it down and tell my husband how intense the A was...that we felt like we were in love? I think so, however the desired outcome may not be what you like. he doesn't know that you still want him. He NEEDS to know that. one of 3 things will happen, but at least that will make him do SOMETHING without doing it blindly: 1) he is hurt beyond belief and he starts overcompensating with affection to you out of fear of losing his situation. In this situation he would feel like less of a man and want to basically cowtow to you to prove to himself and to you that he has what it takes. But deep down he'd still have some resentment while doing it 2) he will become filled with resentment, decide to stay in the marriage for "comfort" reasons, and treat you like....well....a cheater from that point on. (and he could very well do that without knowing all the details) or 3) he will become disgusted about it all that he will want to get a divorce. A part of me feels like he needs to know because I still have very strong feelings for the OM Then maybe telling him will spark some anger and force you to drop your infatutation with another man. If he doesn't ask, details mean nothing. But if he asks, you OWE him honesty. If you don't want to be honest, then cease to be a wife. (there has been NC for two weeks now) but then I don't want to hurt my H anymore. What can I do to ease the heartache? nothing as long as you have feelings for the OM. Because whether or not you tell him, you will act differently towards him(whether you think you are or not) as long as you're heart belongs to another man.
pkn06002 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 You are in the middle of withdrawals (for the second time). So you should know the drill by now. Your emotions are going to be all over the place for the next weeks/months. Now you have the fun of dealing with two situations. Your feelings of heartache from the OM and "trying" to heal your marriage. Tell your husband what more damage can it do that you have not already done with two affairs (with the same guy). Your husbands heartache??? There is nothing you can do for that, he (unfortunately) has to work through that one on his own. Ask yourself this question, why do you want to be married? You have cheated on your husband with the same guy twice? You might be seeing a pattern here, or at least you should be.
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 This isn't about you and how awful you feel - This is about your husband needing answers and real truths to help him. Sure, it'll be uncomfortable and awful for you, as it will be for him, but if you two can sort through this, get MC both together and apart, maybe your marriage can survive.. It's worth a shot, right? Work on getting over the OM completely. Any hopes, desires, wishes of the future with him, or seeing/talking to him again has to disappear forever, otherwise there's no point in even bothering to fix things.
troubadour Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Yes, you should tell your husband how intense your affair was and face the consequences of it. The real reason that you don't want tell him is because you afraid of consequences... it is not that you don't want to hurt him anymore. If you were so concerned about hurting his feelings you wouldn't have had two affairs in the first place.
pkn06002 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 This isn't about you and how awful you feel - This is about your husband needing answers and real truths to help him. Sure, it'll be uncomfortable and awful for you, as it will be for him, but if you two can sort through this, get MC both together and apart, maybe your marriage can survive.. It's worth a shot, right? See this is the part I have never understood. How is it not about you when you are in pain? What just ignore your pain and focus only on someone else's instead? Tell me how is this OP (or any WS) supposed to work through their issues if they do not work through their pain? What she is just supposed to suffer in silence? I am curious why she went to the same well twice, if she really wants/needs to be married to her husband. Or is he just the safe bet?
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 See this is the part I have never understood. How is it not about you when you are in pain? What just ignore your pain and focus only on someone else's instead? Tell me how is this OP (or any WS) supposed to work through their issues if they do not work through their pain? What she is just supposed to suffer in silence? That is why she needs to do counseling on her own so she can get the help she needs to deal with her own pain. I'm not saying for her to ignore her pain, or suffer in silence..It's just now she needs to put her husband's feelings FIRST. She did this to herself and to her husband, and part of her consquence is dealing with this honestly and openly, not hiding and lying, omitting feelings from her husband. OFCOURSE her husband will be hurt badly when he hears she fell inlove with another man, but don't you think most would prefer to hear that the A was about love rather than it just being about sex? Maybe I'm wrong on that, I don't know.
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I am curious why she went to the same well twice, if she really wants/needs to be married to her husband. Or is he just the safe bet? This is a great question for the OP to answer.
Author kittygirl Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 Yes, you should tell your husband how intense your affair was and face the consequences of it. The real reason that you don't want tell him is because you afraid of consequences... it is not that you don't want to hurt him anymore. If you were so concerned about hurting his feelings you wouldn't have had two affairs in the first place. The real reason I don't want to tell him is because I don't want to hurt him. I know that I was wrong to have the affairs. My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years. I now see how much my H loves me and I really feel terrible for the hurt that I caused. I just don't want to hurt him anymore. He actually told me that he wished I kept lying to him about this whole thing. I can support myself financially etc. I just don't want him to feel anymore pain. It really isn't about me this time. I want to do what is best for him...I know I owe him that.
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 But you already have hurt him, twice. Right now he may feel he would've preferred not to know, but he DOES know. You can't turn back the clock. Eventually he will want to know the answers to his questions, and details on if it was love, was it just sex, was it lust? infactuation? He has a right to know the truth if he asks. Just hope you give him that.
Author kittygirl Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 This is a great question for the OP to answer. I never truly felt loved by my husband. After all this has happened, he hasn't felt it from me either. Imagine that! The OM and I have known each other pretty much since I can remember (He is 10 years older). There was an attraction between the two of us over the years, from the time I was around 20 until the first A occured. I just threw caution to the wind and fell in love. It was wrong, I know that but I really did feel like it was love. Then I broke it off (It went from January 2005 to February 2006). It ended very ugly because we were both so hurt. Then, November 2008, I called him. I cried soon as I heard his voice because I missed him so much. Things pretty much picked up where they left off. Now, fast forward to Feb. 2009. I was really going to leave but I couldn't once I saw the devastation in my husband's eyes. When he cried, I just couldn't go. I feel like such an evil Bi***! So, now here I am trying to work it out because I know that it is the moral thing to do (even though I didn't care about that during the A's) and I do love my husband. I have loved him all along, just the passion and fire faded.
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I never truly loved by my husband. After all this has happened, he hasn't felt it from me either. Then get a divorce. If you didn't love him from day one, you're NOT going to love him now. Sure you may "love" him but you're not inlove with him the way a wife should feel about her husband. HE deserves a chance at real true love, as do you. Staying and settling is unfair to both of you. Maybe a trial separation is best for both of you so each of you could see how life is without eachother. Maybe doing that will either bring you back to one another, or it'll set you free.
pkn06002 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 So OP you guilted yourself back in, that is no good for you or your husband. It does sound like you care about him but love him no. I can understand not wanting to hurt him because you care about him, but what you have done twice is a pattern. Tell your husband everything and see what happens what other damage can you do? But he does need to know you don't love him and never have. Because what you are doing is setting up a different impression. Which is very unfair for the long term.
lkjh Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 See this is the part I have never understood. How is it not about you when you are in pain? What just ignore your pain and focus only on someone else's instead? Tell me how is this OP (or any WS) supposed to work through their issues if they do not work through their pain? What she is just supposed to suffer in silence? I am curious why she went to the same well twice, if she really wants/needs to be married to her husband. Or is he just the safe bet? Because life is not just about one individual. When you get married and start a family you make a commitment to those people and there are going to be times when you have to put them first.
michelangelo Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I think it is very telling that you used that phrase as an illustration of what you did in deciding to "risk it" by cheating with that guy. What it tells me is that you feel as though "proof" of your love for this OM is what you were willing to wreck to have it. You did not throw caution to the wind. That is too abstract. You threw your marriage away again and again. You owe your husband every and all answers to questions he asks of you. You also owe him an honest assessment of your affection or lack thereof for him. You only feeling guilty for tossing him and your marriage to the wind is not "proof" of your love for him. Doing what he asks despite the impact it has on you would be a start. BTW, you are not protecting him by continuing to lie or omit information. You are only protecting yourself and the jerk you cheated with.
manugeorge Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I say you tell your husband, this will perhaps give him that backbone he needs to leave/let you go. There is just something inherently wrong with having to beg someone to stay with you after they have expressly made it known that they are not interested by cheating on you...twice for that matter, and with the same man. Your husband needs something to shock him into realizing that you don't love him as much as he thinks/hopes. Something to make him realize that this is perhaps the end of the road for both of you.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I just don't know about telling him how in love I felt with the OM and that I experienced feelings with him that I never experienced with my H. If you really felt this way, staying with your H is just piling despair on top of desperation. Neither of you will be in a position to feel anything other than regret over missed opportunities. How could you expect, going forward, to feel loved and give love in the way that you instictively understand is missing from your marriage? You've already hurt your H once by cheating. Don't hurt him again by locking him into this emotionally flawed relationship. Sometimes it really is time to go... Mr. Lucky
troubadour Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 The real reason I don't want to tell him is because I don't want to hurt him. I know that I was wrong to have the affairs. My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years. I now see how much my H loves me and I really feel terrible for the hurt that I caused. I just don't want to hurt him anymore. He actually told me that he wished I kept lying to him about this whole thing. I can support myself financially etc. I just don't want him to feel anymore pain. It really isn't about me this time. I want to do what is best for him...I know I owe him that. Kittygirl... the consequences don't have to be limited just to financial aspect. Yes... you can support yourself but it doesn't mean that the quality of your life is not going to suffer. How about your children... do they know about your infidelity... what if they tell you to get lost... after all you have lied to them too. It happened to one of my frinds who had an affair... her 16 year old son doesn't talk to her at all and her relationship with the younger one is very bad too. How about your own family... they will lebel you as "cheating wife" and you will never be able to shake it off... you will take it with you to the grave. Don't tell me that you are not taking these factors into consideration. I am not trying to say that you don't care about your husband at all... what I am saying is that you care more about yourself and your little pleasures than you care about him.
taylor Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I posted last week about my situation. Thank you for the responses. I have ended things with the OM and am working with my husband. In case you didn't read the first post, this is the second time I had A and it was with the same person. I felt like I really loved him. My husband and I are trying to pull through this. He wants me to be 100% honest with him...He is asking questions about the A, did I love the OM, etc. I just don't know about telling him how in love I felt with the OM and that I experienced feelings with him that I never experienced with my H. Would it be inappropriate to lay it down and tell my husband how intense the A was...that we felt like we were in love? I don't want to hurt him any further so I keep that part out. I feel terrible about this and really don't need to hear what a terrible person I am. I already know. A part of me feels like he needs to know because I still have very strong feelings for the OM(there has been NC for two weeks now) but then I don't want to hurt my H anymore. What can I do to ease the heartache? I think I should just go on with life and not discuss that part but is that the right thing to do? I don't trust my judgement right now...look what I did (again). I am in such a depression and I really am angry with myself that I did this to my family (again). On top of all this, I have been battling an addiction and I fear it is going to be the death of me. We are supposed to start MC and IC but it won't be for at least one month since we don't have insurance and there are limited options. Thanks for listening.... Kittygirl, I was where you are exactly one year ago. On March 9, 2008, I confessed to my husband that I had feelings for a coworker and that our relationship was not "just friends." Like your husband, my husband wanted to know EVERYTHING and he wanted 100 percent honesty. Like you, I did not want to hurt him with the truth. It was not a matter of trying to protect myself. I was not afraid of my husband kicking me to the curb and I was not trying to protect the affair because it was already over. But I knew my words would cut him like a knife and I didn't want him to feel the pain. Nor did I want to see his pain. But the thing is, without the truth, no one moves forward. Your husband needs to know the reality of the situation. He is begging for that truth. And he deserves it. He knows it will hurt. If you deny him the truth, it will eat at him. His imagination will run wild. Sometimes the not knowing is worse than the knowing. The very first question my husband asked me immediately was, "Do you love him." I said no. The second question, "Are you in love with him?" I said, "I am infatuated with him." His third question, "Did you kiss him?" I said no. Over the next 3 months there were more questions specifically pertaining to how the OM felt about me, how I felt about him, what the desires were..what the conversations were...what the relationship was like...what the OM "had" that he "didn't. These were all extremely painful questions for him to ask..painful for me to answer...and painful for him to hear. Our therapist thought he was nuts for wanting to know the details and thought I was even crazier for giving him the details. But my husband told her he NEEDED the truth in order to heal. I know each truth was like tearing a scab off. He bled. Each truth made him step back and process what he was hearing. IT WAS PAINFUL. But this is how he CHOSE to deal with the affair. This is how he CHOSE to process it. This is how he CHOSE to heal from it. If your husband is asking this from you, don't deny him. He deserves the truth. You owe it to him.
65tr6 Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I never truly felt loved by my husband. . didn't care about that during the A's) and I do love my husband. I have loved him all along, just the passion and fire faded. So you are differentiating between TRUE LOVE and LOVE. TRUE LOVE for OM and LOVE for your husband. I would have been shocked several months ago when someone had said that but not anymore. It seems more like a pattern now with WWs. I have a question for you. Did it take 20 years of marraige for you to realize that you were never in TRUE LOVE with your husband ? What if you never had the affair ? You think you would lived a life without experiencing TRUE LOVE ? Was it easier finding the true love while being married to your husband that way you could compare on daily basis ? Or what if you found yet another OM with whom you felt even stronger attraction towards or developed feelings of even truer love ? Just think about it.
taylor Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 When our MC realized my husband needed the truth to heal, she offered me some guidelines. She told me to answer his questions truthfully, but with compassion. Meaning, don't carry on about how the OM made you giddy, gave you butterflies, or how aroused he made you feel. These kind of details serve no purpose but to twist the knife you already drove into him. Telling him you "fell in love" answers his question appropriately and honestly. It gives him enough detail to know how deep your feelings were for the other man. Also, don't make comparisons between the two men, even if he wants you to. When my husband asked me for a comparison, you know what I told him? I told him how ALIKE he was to the OM...that I was drawn to the same qualities I found in both of them. To tell you husband that the OM was a better kisser or was funnier or was more outgoing serves no purpose. Instead, tell him the OM's sense of humor or his outgoing nature is what attracted you to him. This will give him the information he needs to hear. Don't ever compare. Answer his questions as they come up. My husband continued to ask questions for about 5 months. If he asks, answer. If he doesn't ask, don't offer. He will ask what he wants to hear the truth about. If he doesn't ask, it may mean he is not ready to hear the answer yet. He will ask in his own time. With that said, just a couple questions to you: Do you really know how you feel about this OM? I was shocked to read you had two affairs with the same man. I would have a very difficult time believing you did NOT have feelings for this OM. And I would have a very difficult time believing you truly loved your husband if you could do this to him two times, especially with the same man. Where DOES you heart truly lie? And second, did you ever stop to consider that maybe your husband deserves to be with someone whose heart is not divided between two men? Perhaps the kindest and most unselfish thing you could do for your husband is give him his freedom so that he can find someone who will love him 100 percent. I am not saying this to be mean. But pretend for one minute that it was your son who was cheated on by a wife who had two affairs with the same man. Wouldn't you want more for your son? Wouldn't you want your daughter-in-law to admit she doesn't love him enough to stay faithful/ Wouldn't you want her to cut him lose if he couldn't walk away from her on his own? Have you really thought of what would be in the best interests of your husband? What would be in your best interests?
boldjack Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 Kitty, so sorry but you are STILL lying. You are lying to your H and you're lying to yourself, and you're lying to the posters, here. YOU have already hurt your h beyond repair, he is hurting everyday, even if he says he doesn't want to know(he is in denial) he NEEDS to know the WHOLE truth, you are doing him NO favor by lying to him continuously. You are also in denial, your marriage is finished..... what you have now is not marriage but a living hell of deceit, WHICH YOU CAUSED ! If you EVER want to feel good about yourself, STOP THE LIES. You can't build a true marriage on lies. He is going to hurt, whatever you do, but if you tell him the truth, he will eventually heal. If you continue to lie, he has no chance for healing and neither do you. Both of you have a chance to come out of this as better people, but ONLY with honesty and hard work. You must face the consequences of your actions. You are using your "concern" for your h as a way of avoiding responsibility. Please......do the right thing.......TELL THE TRUTH!!!
taylor Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I never truly felt loved by my husband. I felt this same way prior to my EA. I did not feel loved by my husband for about 3 years. It's an awful feeling. It makes you feel like you don't matter...like you aren't important...like you could just disappear off the face of the earth and he wouldn't even blink an eye or miss you. After a while it can make you feel like you are unattractive, undesireable, unwanted. And that's what makes you vulnerable to an affair. Like you, I realized after my EA, that this was not the case. My husband did love me. He just stopped showing me love. And I had stopped showing him love. The love was still there, but buried. I was so surprised to learn that my husband was feeling the same way I was...unloved. There was an attraction between the two of us over the years..I just threw caution to the wind and fell in love. It was wrong, I know that but I really did feel like it was love. You were vulnerable and drawn in by someone you were attracted to who made you feel like you mattered...made you feel loved. The same thing happened to me. And yes, you do fall in love with that person because that person makes you feel good about yourself so what's not to love about that person? It's how all new relationships start out. I was really going to leave but I couldn't once I saw the devastation in my husband's eyes. When he cried, I just couldn't go. I feel like such an evil Bi***! So, now here I am trying to work it out because I know that it is the moral thing to do (even though I didn't care about that during the A's) and I do love my husband. I have loved him all along, just the passion and fire faded. Does your husband know you were ready to leave him? Have you ever sat your husband down and told him that you are so unhappy with the marriage that you want to leave? Have you ever told him what is making you unhappy? Having a second affair means you did not resolve issues in your marriage after the first affair. Having a second affair WITH THE SAME MAN, makes me wonder if your heart doesn't truly lie with this OM. Don't stay with your husband because it's the moral thing to do. And don't do it out of pity. Do it only if you are willing to recommit to the marriage, do the hard work necessary to fix the marriage, and only if you can REMAIN FAITHFUL. A third affair would kill your husband emotionally and spiritually. Are you willing to take that kind of risk with his heart again? Your husband, apparantly, is too weak to walk away from you.
lostsunsets Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Kitty, Why are posting here? What do you expect? You are asking people who have been betrayed, if you should tell the person you are betraying. What do you imagine they will say. I know you think you love your husband. But what I really believe is, you can't accept that you betrayed your husband again. Because if you did, that makes you a serial cheater. Tell your husband, my impression is that he will forgive you again. And you can continue your addiction and shame spiral. With him there to love and enable you.
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