britx Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 this is probably going to sound weird but recently the guy who i was dating found a video of me on the internet. i used to do porn, i dont do it anymore. i told him a while ago but i left out that i did it one time with a guy, i told him i only did solos and girl/girls. i lied because im ashamed but i lied for the best intensions. anyway, he saw it and told me he wants nothing to do with me, even though i dont do it anymore and that was the biggest mistake of my life. well the thing is i am in love with him and we were about to get a house together and i need him. does anyone have any advise on how to get him back. he is so stubborn but i need to do something. someone please help
boldjack Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 When you told him about it ,you should have told him ALL of it, now he probably thinks that there is a lot more stuff you're keeping from him. Trust is not a right, you must earn it the same as him. You've lied to him about the time(s) with the guy, how would you feel if it was the other way around and he was a liar and kept important things from you? How is he supposed to be sure of your love? Since you were in porno, he probably wonders about whether you have any sexual desire for him or just faking it. You must convince him of your love and desire for him and make sure you NEVER, EVER lie to him again. Tell him that you will do ANYTHING to prove your love, desire and honesty. If he's still not capable of putting this behind him then you both should maybe seek other people. You should be proud of yourself for getting out of the porn, it is a horrible existance. Good Luck, I hope it works out. Have both of you been tested for STD's? Remember, no good love starts with a lie. :)
Author britx Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 i agree, if he would have lied to me about it i would have been mad too, but im not one to judge. he obviously is judging me for one mistake that i made. no one really is one to jugde, noones perfect. but i just dont understand that one thing that i do wrong, thats the end of me. its hard to realize that. and yes ive been tested , in the adult industry you have to get tested every 30 days. and if he truly loved me wouldnt he look past the past?
EasyHeart Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I'm not sure how I would deal with finding out that my GF did porn, even if it was only 'once'. But the earlier poster was right -- at this points, it's not about your past or making a mistake, it's about lying. You should have been upfront with your BF when you talked about your past -- having done porn of any kind is something that a partner needs to and deserves to know. The question for him not is whether he can forgive you for lying to him. The best thing you can do right now is give him time to process his feelings and decide for himself whether he can get past this.
boldjack Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I don't think(of course I'm not there to find out) that this is so much a judgement thing, as a trust issue. Not telling him about the hardcore with the man, was a really bad idea. I f you want and desire this guy, you are the one who will have to prove your love. He didn't lie, you did, he wasn't in porn, you were, so in order for him to look past your past, and forgive your lies, you MUST make sure he knows that you love and desire ONLY him, that you have burned your past, and will be TOTALLY honest with him in the future. THEN DO IT!! Actions speak louder than words. What you have to atone for is the lying. He seemed to be OK with you having done porn, it was only when he found out about the guy( that you didn't tell him about) that he became angry. I wish you luck, but IT'S UP TO YOU. NO LIES, EVER!!!
boldjack Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I agree, nobody's perfect, but lying isn't a mistake, it is deliberately hiding the truth. It's all about trust.
Author britx Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 i know i shouldnt have lied. but i degraded myself, i really did, but i didnt think it was going to get that far. he even told me, if i would have told him, it would have been a different story, less of a shock i guess. i just hope time is what he needs, to get past the past. but to him, im a slut. and i know im not but it hurts when thats what he thinks. i know im not i just made a poor decision. but how can i prove to him he can trust me and i will never do it or lie to him again? you say actions speak louder then words but how can i do that?
wowIlose Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Hmmm. I personally wouldn't be able to date a girl if I found a video of her floating around the internet getting drilled by some other dude. Once I would have that visual image embedded in my mind it would eat away at me for the rest of the relationship. I guess your only option is to find someone who is okay with your past and be straight up next time. Especially if there is videos floating around of you.
EasyHeart Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 You need to go "full disclosure". It's like when a politician gets caught in a lie: the honest ones disclose everything, produce copies of every piece of paper they have, and offer to testify under oath. The guilty ones waffle and make excuses. I'd give him a week or two to calm down. Then ask to talk to him (he may say 'no', of course). Tell him everything (and I mean everything) from your past. Accept responsibility for what you did and don't make excuses (I'm talking about both the porn and the lying). Tell him exactly how you feel about him now and tell him (honestly) why you didn't tell him the full story of your past before you got busted. If you hide anything, waffle on anything, blame anyone else for anything, claim it shouldn't affect the present, etc. then it won't work. Even if you do all of this, there's still a good chance he won't be able to forgive you. But if you love him, that's what you have to be willing to do. And if he does agree to try and forgive you, you have to be prepared to do whatever it takes to regain his trust.
Author britx Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 not to long ago we had gotten into an argument and he told me to leave and i started crying and went down stairs to talk to his brother and he texted me and said "just because u have fake tears on doesnt mean you care." so does that mean i have to do something to show i really care?
boldjack Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I wouldn't put too much emphasis on his text, he was hurt and he tried to hurt you back. Easyheart's post was excellent and just what you must do. There is hope. That he said that "If you would have told him" shows that the porn is not foremost in his mind, the lying is. FULL disclosure will show that you are sorry for your dishonesty, and willing to bare your soul, to prove your love. YOu MUST tell everything, if you try any type of evasion, you're sunk. Did you only do the one "hardcore" with a man,or were there others. YOU must tell all. If there are other pics or vids on the net he or one of his friends or acquaintances WILL eventually find them. Men look at porn all the time. So DON'T get caught in another lie. TELL ALL. Ask HIM what it will take for him to trust you again and do whatever he says If he still won't take you back, then you will know that you have done all you could to atone for your lying. By the way, I don't think you are a slut, you have shown in these posts that you are a good woman who, made a bad mistake in her past and is trying to live a good life and have a good future. If this guy isn't the one, there WILL be a man who will fulfill your dreams and cherish you. But, please, no more lying, OK?:)
Author britx Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 thank you guys for everything, it made me feel a lot better. but i dont think he wants me back but i dont know im so confused. he texted me this morning telling me he misses me still loves me, and i was texting back thinking maybe he forgave me and just all of a sudden i texted back "i love you and i hope some how, someday, youll find a way to forgive me." and he texted back, "its way past forgive and forget already." i was so hurt at that point. like why did he even have to text me saying he misses me.? but he still kept texting me after that. i just dont know what he wants and i have no idea what to do.
boldjack Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Britx, It sounds to me like HE is hurt and confused also. You have to admit that this isn't your normal relationship. It would be very difficult for me to trust someone who lied to me, and I'm sure it is for him too. Texting is a very poor way to communicate deep emotional issues. Maybe you two should meet and talk this out, alone and face to face. If He SEES your love and sincerity, it will go a long way to easing his concerns. I sympathise with you a great deal. I dated a stripper once, she had been a call girl for a year, but got out because of the dangers involved. She loved me very much and was totally up front about her past. She said that she would leave if I told her to go, but only after she told me about All, the good, bad and ugly. It was pretty hard to take. It took me several days to make up my mind that the past was past. We lived together for several years, every day she SHOWED me that I was her ONLY man. Even though we split up(LDR didn't work out) we are very close friends, She stopped stripping, went back to col. and is a Geriatric nurse in Chi. I love her more than any woman, except my wife. What she did, YOU CAN TOO. Whether you and this man work out or not, you should be and I am PROUD of your courage and determination. Let him see my post, if you think it will help. I would tell him to forgive your one lie and realize how lucky he is to have a LADY like you.:D:D
LoveUrselfFirst Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 this is probably going to sound weird but recently the guy who i was dating found a video of me on the internet. i used to do porn, i dont do it anymore. i told him a while ago but i left out that i did it one time with a guy, i told him i only did solos and girl/girls. i lied because im ashamed but i lied for the best intensions. anyway, he saw it and told me he wants nothing to do with me, even though i dont do it anymore and that was the biggest mistake of my life. well the thing is i am in love with him and we were about to get a house together and i need him. does anyone have any advise on how to get him back. he is so stubborn but i need to do something. someone please help I'm sorry about what happened to you. I understand that you didn't want to tell him all of the truth BUT in a case like this where unfortunately the internet can haunt you especially in porn, your past will creep up. Although you can't turn back time, you should have told him vs him finding out because I think right now he feels dumb. How much time can you give him to cool off? How soon is your lease up before you try to get a house?
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