If your partner has ever been bullied, or suffered other similar trauma in life

[cek]

I find this information to be quite important. This is something that I hope all will take to heart, whether concerning a current SO or exSO.

 

Bullying, emotional/physical abuse is very traumatic on person. If you are (or were) in a relationship with someone who has been affected by this, please try to understand how much this shapes their views of life, love, and relationships. I myself was mercilessly bullied, and found it quite difficult to trust anyone, even my own boyfriend who claimed to love me. I still belive that it contributed to my actions and unintentional signals of only wanting a friendship, especially when I would respond that he was joking when he would complement me or tell me he loved me. There is a sociological theory which states that people base their identity on what they believe others perceive them as. So, someone who is constantly bullied, or undergoing intense emotional/physical trauma, will often believe there is something wrong with them. The thought is, "everyone makes fun of me, so they must think there's something wrong with me, so I must be abnormal". Unfortunately, they will often act accordingly. They lose trust in society as a whole, and may believe that everyone they encounter is judging them and finds them abnormal in some way. They may become quite introverted, and may even come across as depressed.

 

The reason I bring this up is because I would hope that you all here would not simply brush off a SO because this was their past. It may be frustrating to constantly remind him/her that there is nothing wrong with them, that you do love them, etc., but that is exactly what they need. The person who has suffered this needs the reassurance that you are different, and will not treat them in such a harsh manner. If you feel that you truly cannot handle being in a relationship with someone like that, that is ok, it's a difficult dynamic. However, in such situations, I would not recommend NC. It may make it easier for you to move on, but this person will only experience those feeling again, that there must be something wrong with them for you to not want to be in the relationship with them. Stay friends, remind them that although you may not have feelings for them anymore, they are still a wonderful person, and the right one will come along and want to be with them forever. For these people, the idea of "more fish in the sea" does not seem fathomable. I can say from experience, it takes years of healing and counseling to reverse the effects of bullying or emotional/physical trauma. Sometimes it may not even be 100% reversable.

 

Again, I understand this may not be the relatioship for everyone, and that is OK. I simply want to bring it to everyone's attention that if your SO seems closed off and you don't know why, it's possible they've experienced this. Anyone who has experienced such harshness needs constant reassurance, until they feel comfortable, knowing that you will not treat them as harshly as they've been treated in the past.

[EasyHeart]

Thanks, cek. This kind of information is very helpful and explains a lot about one of my exes. It's really good that you realize that you have problems and understand where they come from. And brave of you to post and share these things with the rest of us.

 

"Closed off" is a great way to describe my ex. And the problem was that, no matter what I said or did, she was always looking for some reason to not believe me or trust me. It could be as little as having the wrong inflection in my voice, not doing something fast enough, or being busy with work that 'proved' that I didn't love her. So it was basically impossible to convince her that I cared -- if I did one little thing 'wrong', she forgot the 100 things I did right.

 

In my case, it was her that broke it off with me and refused to talk to me for several months. Then we got back together and she kept saying that she wasn't ready for a relationship, but we quickly ended up in one again. For a while. Then she broke up with me again, saying she didn't love me. But she stayed in contact with me until I went out with another woman (we were broken up, after all) and she got extremely jealous and wouldn't talk to me for over a month. Then we started talking again and trying to be 'friends', but she met a new guy and after a week was in a 'relationship' with him and I pretty much ceased to exist to her.

 

At this point, I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to be supportive, because I know that inside she's hurt and confused and simply doesn't know what she wants (or she knows that she wants a relationship, but doesn't know how to make one work). But the other part of me is hurt and tired of being emotionally beat up by her.

 

Any suggestions?

[cek]

Thanks, cek. This kind of information is very helpful and explains a lot about one of my exes. It's really good that you realize that you have problems and understand where they come from. And brave of you to post and share these things with the rest of us.

 

"Closed off" is a great way to describe my ex. And the problem was that, no matter what I said or did, she was always looking for some reason to not believe me or trust me. It could be as little as having the wrong inflection in my voice, not doing something fast enough, or being busy with work that 'proved' that I didn't love her. So it was basically impossible to convince her that I cared -- if I did one little thing 'wrong', she forgot the 100 things I did right.

 

In my case, it was her that broke it off with me and refused to talk to me for several months. Then we got back together and she kept saying that she wasn't ready for a relationship, but we quickly ended up in one again. For a while. Then she broke up with me again, saying she didn't love me. But she stayed in contact with me until I went out with another woman (we were broken up, after all) and she got extremely jealous and wouldn't talk to me for over a month. Then we started talking again and trying to be 'friends', but she met a new guy and after a week was in a 'relationship' with him and I pretty much ceased to exist to her.

 

At this point, I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to be supportive, because I know that inside she's hurt and confused and simply doesn't know what she wants (or she knows that she wants a relationship, but doesn't know how to make one work). But the other part of me is hurt and tired of being emotionally beat up by her.

 

Any suggestions?

 

See if you can get her to open up any details regarding her past. It seems to me that something could've happened for her to act that way. Often, people, like myself, who've experienced bullying, etc., feel there is something wrong with us and no one will be able to love us, and it is VERY difficult to share that with a SO. The fear is that he/she will bail on the relationship, seeing us as some kind of wreck. I would not go completely NC. She may still need reassurance from someone she trusts (and for us, they are few and far between) that there's nothing wrong with her. Encourage guidance counseling, offer to listen and help any way you can. Even if she doesn't end up with you, it will be a confidence boost that you at least think highly of her. You may want to keep some distance for yourself, but I would not advise cutting her off completely.

 

I feel for you. As I said, I was the dumpee, but he and I are still great friends, with the possibility of reconciliation. I went to (and still am in) counseling for my own trust/intimacy issues. I only hope I can somehow show him I've changed, and now understand that I can be loved, it's not a joke, and I can act like a girlfriend.

 

If you have suggestions for me, feel free to contribute. And I am more than happy to help you as well.

[donnamaybe]

This is a very sweet thread. It's obvious that your only goal was to help people make their special person feel truly loved, and that's awesome of you!

 

What a nice person you must be IRL!!

[EasyHeart]

See if you can get her to open up any details regarding her past. It seems to me that something could've happened for her to act that way. Often, people, like myself, who've experienced bullying, etc., feel there is something wrong with us and no one will be able to love us, and it is VERY difficult to share that with a SO. The fear is that he/she will bail on the relationship, seeing us as some kind of wreck. I would not go completely NC. She may still need reassurance from someone she trusts (and for us, they are few and far between) that there's nothing wrong with her. Encourage guidance counseling, offer to listen and help any way you can. Even if she doesn't end up with you, it will be a confidence boost that you at least think highly of her. You may want to keep some distance for yourself, but I would not advise cutting her off completely.

 

I feel for you. As I said, I was the dumpee, but he and I are still great friends, with the possibility of reconciliation. I went to (and still am in) counseling for my own trust/intimacy issues. I only hope I can somehow show him I've changed, and now understand that I can be loved, it's not a joke, and I can act like a girlfriend.

 

If you have suggestions for me, feel free to contribute. And I am more than happy to help you as well.

 

Thanks. We have a 1.5 year history, and I won't bore you will all the details of our dramatic on-again-off-again relationship, but she definitely suffered emotional trauma as a child and it affects her very much. Unfortunately, I think she is in denial or avoidance about much of it. After our first break up, she wouldn't talk to me for a few months, but then we started talking and she opened up to me a lot about her past. That's when I started to learn about this stuff, but frankly didn't really understand it.

 

She broke up with me again in the fall, but we stayed in contact. She says that I am her best friend and know her better than anyone else does. But about a month ago she started dating someone else, and I haven't heard a word from her since.

 

She's been in therapy for years. Unfortunately, I'm not sure it's really helping. If it is, I sure feel horrible for what she must have been like BEFORE therapy!

 

I guess my best bet is to maintain low contact. She knows how I feel about her. Obviously, the new BF complicates things quite a bit. I don't want her to get irritated with me for contacting her when I know she has a new BF -- that seems creepy to me. But I do care about her immensely and want her to be happy.

 

It sounds like your ex is at least being pretty understanding. He wouldn't be doing that if he didn't care for you a great deal. I know that if I broke up with someone, I would take off and say 'Have a nice life!". I guess the most important thing, now that you know what's wrong with you, is that you keep at it and try to heal. I wish you the best of luck.

 

 

PS: I second what donna said!

[cek]

This is a very sweet thread. It's obvious that your only goal was to help people make their special person feel truly loved, and that's awesome of you!

 

What a nice person you must be IRL!!

 

Thank you . You got my goal spot on! The most difficult part of having such a past is sharing it with people, even someone you love the most. It truly affects every aspect of that person's life. Once I opened up to my guy, I think he understood why I unintentionally acted more like a friend than a girlfriend. I hope this new understanding will eventually lead to a reconciliation. Perhaps I am a hopeless romantic, but I do love him.

 

But that is my personal add to this post. I do want people to help their special someone feel loved. "Schoolyard teasing" can have lasting and awful effects on a person. And that is just the tip of the iceberg. So many other things can contribute to someone having a "hard outer shell", and they are often misunderstood because of it. I truly hope that anyone thinking of ending things because their current SO is acting "closed off" or "odd" in any way will not make a rash decision. They may have a past that they feel you will reject them for, or think they are a wreck, etc. It's easy to think, "but I love you and won't think of you that way". But they are thinking, "I know you love me now, but will you think that if you know these details of my past?". I simply don't want good relationships to unenecessarily end because of such a misunderstanding.

[cek]

Thanks. We have a 1.5 year history, and I won't bore you will all the details of our dramatic on-again-off-again relationship, but she definitely suffered emotional trauma as a child and it affects her very much. Unfortunately, I think she is in denial or avoidance about much of it. After our first break up, she wouldn't talk to me for a few months, but then we started talking and she opened up to me a lot about her past. That's when I started to learn about this stuff, but frankly didn't really understand it.

 

She broke up with me again in the fall, but we stayed in contact. She says that I am her best friend and know her better than anyone else does. But about a month ago she started dating someone else, and I haven't heard a word from her since.

 

She's been in therapy for years. Unfortunately, I'm not sure it's really helping. If it is, I sure feel horrible for what she must have been like BEFORE therapy!

 

I guess my best bet is to maintain low contact. She knows how I feel about her. Obviously, the new BF complicates things quite a bit. I don't want her to get irritated with me for contacting her when I know she has a new BF -- that seems creepy to me. But I do care about her immensely and want her to be happy.

 

It sounds like your ex is at least being pretty understanding. He wouldn't be doing that if he didn't care for you a great deal. I know that if I broke up with someone, I would take off and say 'Have a nice life!". I guess the most important thing, now that you know what's wrong with you, is that you keep at it and try to heal. I wish you the best of luck.

 

 

PS: I second what donna said!

 

Thank you . Do maintain some contact. She feels you are her best friend, and that is exactly what she needs. Yes, the new bf complicates things, but she needs time to get the right place.

 

I believe that in my situation, the fact that I didn't tell him contributed to him feeling that I'm more like a friend than a girlfriend. A few months ago I opened up everything to him. I think he understands, but feels overwhelmed by it. Although he and I are both affected physically with the same disorder, he never experienced the same level of bullying that I did. We also had very different family backgrounds, mine being less affectionate and full of more turmoil. It's quite difficult. He says he wants to know these things, however I often feel as though I end up dumping all of my issues on him.

 

What is your opinion? How do I balance the two? Can I find a way to reconcile the relationship? He is open to that, but I know I need to make changes in myself first. I feel as though I have made changes, though I don't know how to show it to him. The last thing I want to do is push him away by being too emotional and needy. I'm not sure how to do this. Is it even possible? How?