going nuts

[rainbowbrite]

hey guys. i want this pain to go away. and i need advice or some guidance or something. me n my ex broke up around 6 or 7 months ago, he dumped me because i kept hurting him and flirting with other guys and all this stupid nonsense...i didnt cheat tho/never would, we only went out for 6 months but it was a very intense connection, we are both early 20s. he told me he loved me within days of going out with him, and he was very emotional person, he would cry to me a lot and tell me why i kept hurting him, so thats basically why he dumped me, he wanted to end his pain from me or sumtn. anyway, like 2 days later he calls me but i ignore him, and then he keeps callen latr in the week but i ignore the calls, then he writes me a letter tellen me to convince him that i wont hurt him, and then maybe it can work. i respond a week later just to say i want to be friends, cuz i was too pissed to go out with him at that point. anyway, from there a few days later he ims me and talks to me for like 2 hours tellen me about how great hes doen, he asks me how my love life is doen and proceeds to tell me that hes tryen to impress this cute girl at work, and then i say that it hurt my feelings and he says im not goen out with her i promise. and then it got akward so i signed off aim. i call him like a week later and we talk on the phone for like 3 hours and its awesome and stuff but of course he slips in a few times stuff about this girl, i try n ignore it. the next day i call him to hang out, he sounds like my bf again, with his bf voice and is like...im so sorry sweetheart but im sick. im like ok. and this nonsense continues on, of him iming me and me talken to him. finally last november im like. i have feelings for u lets make this work!!! and hes like. i thought u sed u wanted to be friends? and hes all confused, and asks if i was maken that up. i sed i thought thats what he wanted. anyway, i say lets meet up and talk and hes like thats not a good idea, if i saw u regardless of how i felt id date u again. and then hes like. lets keep talken on aim, and see if we can make it work this time, and then he says that him and that other girl actually dated and broke up alredi, and hed pick her over me. thats when i like flipped out. and wrote him this really long nasty email about how i hate him, he sucks, and i dont want anything to do with ever again, and hes poison and abusive, and i sed every mean thing i could think of. i also sed do not ever talk to me again, and if u do ill just ignore u. so he didnt. now im lost. and ive been COMPLETELY nc for like 4 months now. and i went to counceling to try to better myself, try to focus on school and this and that. but hes all i think about, i cry over him ALL THE TIME. i feel like he doesnt care. its rediculous. i dont kno if this means anything, but i do find it weird. he goes on facebook everyday and his default album is like pics of us, and im still his number one friend n stuff, and his away messages are always like 'i miss u' and sad songs, but i think its only cuz of his rebound. so i duno what to do. i want him back, i dont kno if i should apologise. i need some kind of closure, im sure hed talk to me if i initiated contact, cuz thats the way he is, he cant ignore ppl, and especially since i asked him back before and he was willing to work things out before i flipped out. but anyway, i kno some of u will say this is my fault and to move on. trust me i kno, i have thought about this more than u. i want to break NC soon, i have been doing very well with it, but enough is enough.