pandagirl Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 So, I just got back from an eight hour second date. This guy, from what I can tell, is extremely thoughtful, funny, ambitious and smart. We madeout a bit and it was very sweet. However, all the sudden in the middle of a kiss, my ex popped into my head out of nowhere. The ex made me feel dizzy after I kissed him. This guy didn't make me feel that way. And after that, I just couldn't get back into the mood. I know this is normal, but now it's snowballing into a "maybe I'm just not that into him" situation. I don't want to self-sabotage this. This guy is great. How can I get over this mental (physical?) block??
Sam Spade Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I don't want to self-sabotage this. There you go - as long as you remember that that's what you're doing, you'll find a way not to do it . Also, you can eat a picture of the ex - it'll make you nauseous .
Love Actually Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 The ex made me feel dizzy after I kissed him. This guy didn't make me feel that way. It's not a block - you need that "spark." Otherwise you're just selecting somebody that "looks good on paper." And that's no way to select a mate, unless you're a robot. The romantics amongst us will know exactly what I'm talking about. Don't settle for what your mind tells you, but follow your heart.
Author pandagirl Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 It's not a block - you need that "spark." Otherwise you're just selecting somebody that "looks good on paper." And that's no way to select a mate, unless you're a robot. The romantics amongst us will know exactly what I'm talking about. Don't settle for what your mind tells you, but follow your heart. I guess what I'm saying is, I don't want to throw this away after only a second date. I'm a firm believer that not everything needs to be fireworks immediately. I AM attracted to him. And while kissing him was nice, it just didn't blow me away.
heartoutside Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I kind of disagree....When I first met my ex, I didn't have that feeling at all, in fact for me it was a super casual hook up but for her it was much more, but then it got serious....and it lasted for almost 5 years until she flipped out (fear of rejection thing..blah blah blah). I think everyone would like to think that every relationship will be something out of a movie and have those instant sparks. And in some situations, that happens, but in some situations, things also need time to grow...that's why it's called dating....
Love Actually Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I'm a firm believer that not everything needs to be fireworks immediately. Fair enough, but my opinion is that you're wasting your time with this one. If you have to think about it, then he's not the one for you. You can try to pad things out, and perhaps give yourself time to let those attachment feelings and fireworks develop, but in my experience if they're not there at the beginning, then they never will be.
Author pandagirl Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 Fair enough, but my opinion is that you're wasting your time with this one. If you have to think about it, then he's not the one for you. You can try to pad things out, and perhaps give yourself time to let those attachment feelings and fireworks develop, but in my experience if they're not there at the beginning, then they never will be. I know what you mean, but it's not that I'm NOT attracted to him. Believe me, I wouldn't have kissed him like, five times, if I wasn't. It was just not mind-blowing, like it has been with others. However, I'm trying to do something different this time, because -- hello -- every time it HAS been a mind-blowing experience, it's never worked out, so feeling crazy chemistry is clearly not the success to a relationship. I'm just trying to figure out a way not to mentally/emotionally close the door on this guy, because I don't want to, but it's been my pattern to do so.
Prodigal Princess Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Fair enough, but my opinion is that you're wasting your time with this one. If you have to think about it, then he's not the one for you. You can try to pad things out, and perhaps give yourself time to let those attachment feelings and fireworks develop, but in my experience if they're not there at the beginning, then they never will be. Totally agree with this. Having said that, I would keep this guy around for awhile just in case you run into a man drought and need a Plan B.
Love Actually Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 -- hello -- every time it HAS been a mind-blowing experience, it's never worked out, so feeling crazy chemistry is clearly not the success to a relationship. You're so right. By itself it's no guarantee. However, I do believe that "crazy chemistry" is an essential precursor to a lifelong relationship. Definitely not the only thing, but a necessary thing. I don't think there are any tricks to getting yourself in the mood. Perhaps you aren't totally over your ex - and most of the time one never completely is, but it's a matter of being "over them enough." If he's worth it, then he will pursue things at your pace, and be respectful of that.
Love Actually Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 , I would keep this guy around for awhile just in case you run into a man drought and need a Plan B. I think I've run out of letters. Plan Z was months ago.
Trialbyfire Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 pandagirl, Stargazer's relationship didn't begin with a big bang but turned into a slow burn, high chemistry relationship. Now the two are happier than anything. All you can do is to try it and see where it goes. For some people, this will work. For others, not necessarily.
Author pandagirl Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 pandagirl, Stargazer's relationship didn't begin with a big bang but turned into a slow burn, high chemistry relationship. Now the two are happier than anything. All you can do is to try it and see where it goes. For some people, this will work. For others, not necessarily. Very true! I can actually see that happening with this guy. But there are so many mental barriers for me to breakthrough if that is going to happen. He turns 38 next month and already he's mentioned marriage and babies. Obviously, not specifically with me (I would've been running for the door!), but it's clear this is what he is looking for. It makes me feel pressured. Like this has to be something serious for him, while I am still making up my mind about him. I'll admit, the age thing DOES bother me. But, I like him... I'm just not sure how much. It's clear he has principles and great integrity from the thing he's told me, which is something I haven't encountered in a long time in this city!
Love Actually Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 30th November 2008 I recently met a GREAT new guy, 12th December 2008 , and the sound of his voice on my voicemail made me giddy. If it's going to happen at all, then it will happen quickly.
GoodOnPaper Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I know this is normal, but now it's snowballing into a "maybe I'm just not that into him" situation. I don't want to self-sabotage this. This guy is great. How can I get over this mental (physical?) block?? I don't think you can. You seem to be assuming that he felt a much greater connection than you -- is that really the case? Maybe he's not a good-on-paper type and you guys are just not that into each other. As much of a beating as we good-on-paper types get in the dating/relationship world, if he has any self-awareness, he's not going to want someone to stick around when she doesn't feel any passion for him.
carhill Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 OP, IMO, the lack of "sparks" is not as important a sign as the "ex popping into my head". Did the ex pop into your head with the guy you've been trying to make into a friend after the dating part didn't work out? IME, painfully, emotional detachment from a past romantic relationship is necessary to allow those "sparks" to be truly and honestly felt at a level more than superficially. IMO, your ex is an ex for a reason or reasons. Comparing relative dizziness is counter-productive. The dizziness is good; the comparison is not.
Art_Critic Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 IME, painfully, emotional detachment from a past romantic relationship is necessary to allow those "sparks" to be truly and honestly felt at a level more than superficially. IMO, your ex is an ex for a reason or reasons. Comparing relative dizziness is counter-productive. The dizziness is good; the comparison is not. Agreed Carhill... PG.. sometimes the phrase "fake it till you make it" is the best way to handle those type of things... Ignore the fact that your ex popped into your head and continue to give the new guy all your undivided attention...
heartoutside Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Carhill makes a great point. I'm currently seeing a girl, and every time I kiss her, the furthest thing from my mind is my ex, my only concern is the girl I'm kissing....In fact, I did think about my ex, but it was a day or so later, and the thought was, "Man, when I'm with this girl...I don't even think about my ex!"
Author pandagirl Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 OP, IMO, the lack of "sparks" is not as important a sign as the "ex popping into my head". Did the ex pop into your head with the guy you've been trying to make into a friend after the dating part didn't work out? IME, painfully, emotional detachment from a past romantic relationship is necessary to allow those "sparks" to be truly and honestly felt at a level more than superficially. IMO, your ex is an ex for a reason or reasons. Comparing relative dizziness is counter-productive. The dizziness is good; the comparison is not. Totally agree with this, Carhill. When I was just talking to the New Guy, I didn't think about my ex once. The first six hours of the date, not one thought. It wasn't until things progressed into the smooching that the ex reared its ugly head. New Guy is so great to talk to. I can have real conversations with him. He is emotionally available and open. I'm afraid that because of this, I am subconsciously friend zoning him!?
carhill Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 At the risk of generalizing, is it possible that you are, for whatever reason, emotionally unavailable, and that recognizing a man who is emotionally available and interested in that depth of a relationship strikes fear into your heart, fear of him knowing the real you, fear of being vulnerable, fear of reading another one of carhill's war and peace novellas? Well, except for the last part, we often run away from and rationalize what we fear. I've done it plenty, though not this particular brand. By holding on to the past, even if we don't cherish it, we can comfortably avoid the present. Or, he just doesn't jump-start your magnetron
Star Gazer Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I guess what I'm saying is, I don't want to throw this away after only a second date. I'm a firm believer that not everything needs to be fireworks immediately. Then don't. I didn't have that immediate "I want to rip your clothes off" blown-away feeling with my BF either. Instead, it was a slow burn. But I definitely found him attractive, and wanted to spend more time with him. And now? I cannot even begin to tell you hot HOT that fire is burning... In my personal experience, I only had that crazy chemistry where I was blown away with guys who eventually proved themselves to be emotionally dangerous.
Star Gazer Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 pandagirl, Stargazer's relationship didn't begin with a big bang but turned into a slow burn, high chemistry relationship. Now the two are happier than anything. All you can do is to try it and see where it goes. For some people, this will work. For others, not necessarily. Ha. Just saw this. So true! It definitely won't work for everyone, and I'll admit that in the beginning I was tempted to walk away because I didn't feel that BAM! feeling (mostly due to an ugly shirt ). But I'm SO glad that I didn't. Oh man, I'm SO glad I didn't.... And I'll also say that I have three girlfriends who all got married in the past year whose relationships started the same way - with a slow burn. One didn't even find her now-H cute when she first met him! But now, they're so into each other it's almost sickening, like "get a room." I think we could all use a little patience when dating and getting to know one another.
Author pandagirl Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 At the risk of generalizing, is it possible that you are, for whatever reason, emotionally unavailable, and that recognizing a man who is emotionally available and interested in that depth of a relationship strikes fear into your heart, fear of him knowing the real you, fear of being vulnerable, fear of reading another one of carhill's war and peace novellas? Well, except for the last part, we often run away from and rationalize what we fear. I've done it plenty, though not this particular brand. By holding on to the past, even if we don't cherish it, we can comfortably avoid the present. Carhill, to answer your questions: yes, yes, yes, and yes. I am pretty much emotionally unavailable. It's pretty much the sole reason I'm in therapy. I'm terrified of becoming emotionally enmeshed with anyone. New Guy is very mature, open and knows what he wants. Ha. Just saw this. So true! It definitely won't work for everyone, and I'll admit that in the beginning I was tempted to walk away because I didn't feel that BAM! feeling (mostly due to an ugly shirt ). But I'm SO glad that I didn't. Oh man, I'm SO glad I didn't.... And I'll also say that I have three girlfriends who all got married in the past year whose relationships started the same way - with a slow burn. One didn't even find her now-H cute when she first met him! But now, they're so into each other it's almost sickening, like "get a room." I think we could all use a little patience when dating and getting to know one another. Just how long did the turnaround take!?
Star Gazer Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Just how long did the turnaround take!? Well, honestly.... not long. Going into the third date, I was unsure. Perhaps how you feel right now. But by the end of that date, I knew I wanted more of him. As for my friends, their turnarounds took anywhere from a few weeks to a few months of getting to know him. So while I'd encourage you to be patient and not assume it's dead from the outset, I wouldn't recommend sticking it out for the long haul without having a moment.
Star Gazer Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 30th November 2008 12th December 2008 If it's going to happen at all, then it will happen quickly. Wow... you really ARE a stalker! I'm not sure whether I should feel honored to have captivated your attention, or really skeeved out.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Then don't. I didn't have that immediate "I want to rip your clothes off" blown-away feeling with my BF either. Instead, it was a slow burn. But I definitely found him attractive, and wanted to spend more time with him. And now? I cannot even begin to tell you hot HOT that fire is burning... In my personal experience, I only had that crazy chemistry where I was blown away with guys who eventually proved themselves to be emotionally dangerous. I've had the same experience with the guy I'm dating. Give it time, PandaGirl. What do you have to lose? Get to know him. You may find yourself falling for him, and when you start to feel that way, you will find yourself feeling more attracted to him. And yes, the guys I had amazing chemistry with right away usually aren't very good for me! They usually are the emotionally unavailable types, which drives me crazy and makes me want them more.
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