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push or pull and hot or cold...WTH>


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Posted

After 4 years together, we broke up. We fought a lot, I asked him to leave since he was sleeping in the other room for 3 months. And no matter how I tried, he would not try to make amends. I was angry with him; I made him stay in my place for the first two years with a low rent (basically his share). I became bitter, I felt I was feeding him and providing for him.

 

By our 4th year he had health issues, work problems and I was out of job. He tried really hard to make up for the years I helped him out by giving me quite a lump sum amount. Also, he was trying to save the relationship by going for counseling but…I was already hurt and despondent…..so he left.

 

After 10 months being separated, we got together and we’ve seen each other every weekend. He is studying for his exams (license) right now. He would only see me once a week. I’m not happy with this situation he seldom calls me. I would call him, although he answers when I call him.

 

He is driving me insane, he is “push and pull” or Hot and cold. We slept together a few times. He still attracted to me and cares about me but after a few days he seems to be confused and would forget about us. No calls….. But on weekends, he would spend a few hours at my place. The next day I would surprise him with a visit he gets upset he won’t let me in.

 

He said I’m a distraction and he is concerned about what his room mate would say. I’ve been to his place and met his (girl) room mate. There seems to be nothing going on between them. But I don’t seem to be welcome.

 

I just don’t understand this…… hot and cold or push and pull. Why do men do this?

Posted

Not all men. Just this one.

 

Why are you still with him?

 

He's either dating someone else, or he's just an ass. Either way, you can do better.

Posted

Does it matter why he does this? What matters is that you're not happy with the little to nothing he's giving you. There's no use holding on and waiting for crumbs.

  • Author
Posted

You're right.....I'm just weak. Although, I feel guilty that I practically kicked him out of my house because he threatened to leave so many times. So, I told him to get out. He told me that he had a tough time after don't know where to go....not having family support or friends (he is not American).

So maybe, I'm harboring guilt and he is still angry with me at the same time.

 

I tried my best to support him (his studying for his professional license exam) by preparing meals for him or stopping by with food, so all he has to do is just study.

 

But it looks like I'm smothering him as he described it. :confused:

Posted
But it looks like I'm smothering him as he described it. :confused:

 

Stop blaming yourself for his bad behavior. Stop trying to excuse him for why he's making you unhappy.

 

Time to let this one go and make room for someone who can treat you the way you'd like, someone who is HAPPY to be with you and spend time with you.

Posted

liveagain, what's your emotional payoff?

 

Something emotional is being nurtured here. Something makes you feel good, even though it's 'bad'.

 

What is it?

 

Think.

 

Really think about this.

 

Find out what in you, needs this kind of connection.

 

It's terrible.

it's the worst possible kind, and completely unproductive, but yet, you stay.

 

Why?

 

What, within you, is being nourished?

 

"As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly."*

 

This is puke, but you keep going back for more.

 

Discover why.

Then change it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(* Proverbs 26:11).

Posted

Let him go. You can't change him, no matter how hard you try and it isn't making you happy. You deserve someone who is capable of looking after himself and doesn't shut you out when he feels like it. He's a flip-flopper who will treat you like this for as long as you're with him. Don't tolerate "confusion", he should know by now after 4 years. How old are you guys?

  • Author
Posted

I hear you all…..it’s sad but I’m having a hard time letting go after four years.

Burningashes, I know I can’t change him. He is one of those few men who retreats and becomes emotionally unavailable. I don’t want to stereotype but for some reason English men (like him) when it come to emotions ….they are withdrawn.

But of course, there is no excuse ….I shouldn’t be dwelling on something I can’t change.

  • Author
Posted
liveagain, what's your emotional payoff?

 

Something emotional is being nurtured here. Something makes you feel good, even though it's 'bad'.

 

What is it?

 

Think.

 

Really think about this.

 

Find out what in you, needs this kind of connection.

 

It's terrible.

it's the worst possible kind, and completely unproductive, but yet, you stay.

 

Why?

 

What, within you, is being nourished?

 

"As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly."*

 

This is puke, but you keep going back for more.

 

Discover why.

Then change it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(* Proverbs 26:11).

You’re right GEISHAWELK it’s conflicting….I'm aware of this. I was abandoned as a child. I was left by my parents…..although I’m aware of it . it’s the wrong kind of love. I’m correcting something from the past.

 

And I need to start now.....

  • Author
Posted

You're right Nora Jane....he is an *ss. Time to let go....

 

I just found out that he went out and watched a movie with his (girl) room mate. While he told me that he has study and do other stuff. So, he rather spend time with her instead of me.

 

And when I stopped by at his place, he won't let me in. I think somethings going on. Somethings fishy......

 

I'm ridiculously hurt right now. I should have known better. It's painful to know that he wanted space from me. I guess I projected myself as the "crazy ex". :eek:

Posted

It's not your fault, so stop thinking like that! You didn't project anything!

 

Don't be so quick to take the blame for what other people do - especially when it comes to cheating. If he wants to see someone else, then he should stop having sex with you, he should break up with you first. He's the one doing something wrong, not you.

Posted

Well it is likely that there's something going on between him and the room mate, especially if he's so concerned what she might say/think. I think that sends up a red flag that he is moving on somehow with someone else if there is something going on.

 

It sucks, I know. I would recommend that you cut all ties and go NC, you deserve some one so much better!

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