Cassiopeia Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Been a lurker here and now finally decided to sign up, share and get insights. Been with the hubby 13 years, 11 of which we were never apart for one night at all. Things changed when he switched careers and had learn to spread his wings, explored his world. Met and began a relationship with someone July of 2008. Dday is 12/28/08. We have one son, 11 y.o. Our relationship, after Dday: - Right now, it's in limbo. We are still together. My husband says he still loves me. He's a lot more understanding than before, a lot calmer (he used to be snappy about little things). We hardly fight. - We are not intimate. But there is a sexual energy, you can feel it. I have refused intimacy, he's kinda respected that. But there are some cuddling, especially when we sleep. He holds my hand a lot, gives me hugs when he can, drops a kiss on the cheek, forehead, a peck on the lips. Those kinds of things. - We have stopped verbalizing emotions about last month though (saying love you's and miss you's), because I think we both recognize we're in a cloud right now and anything we say may be so misconstrued by each other. Their relationship, after Dday: - Was unstable. But for the last three weeks since I've stopped poking around and asking questions, I don't know anymore, so I'm saying "was". - Is more EA than PA (though it's both). They don't often see each other just keeping in contact through text, calls and IM's. When they do see each other, it's usually for like 3 hours max. A dinner and coffee (so he says?). - Her family is so against it, they have stopped her from being with him (but you and I know the truth, it's only the person involved who can really stop themselves). She is single, by the way. Last January, believing that my husband needed a jolt, I told him I am letting go of him. He quickly "broke it off" with her. But as they say, an affair is an addiction. The one in it could backslide a lot. As much as promises are empty, the breaking up was an empty threat, as well. She's persistent anyway and won him over again. Last February, I threw my husband out of the house. Emotions were high, his indecision was driving me mad. He had nowhere to go, his own mother has refused him. He went to a friend's house and he refused her offer to be with him. Went back clawing to me after three hours, apologizing and everything. It's March now, and ever since that incident, our union has mellowed. We're peaceful, sometimes affectionate, but it's like sweeping the problem under the rug. Because she is still there. What am I waiting for?....April (explained below). It's a classic cake-eating scenario, I recognize that. I am partly to blame why this situation exists, of course. My husband has a loving wife to come home to....a house with all the comforts, stability and security. And then he has someone waiting by the sidelines showering him with verbal loves and whatnots. The OW has told me once, she will not give her up (even if at times, I know that when they fight, she sees shades of his ugly, disrespectful side). My husband plans to move out in April to a guy buddy's pad. This has always been hanging there since early Feb, and was part of the reason why I threw him out (I mean, why wait for April if he wants to go?). He is, right now, feeling very lonely about the move, the sadness is creeping over him, I am picking up on this energy. He says it's going to be very hard for him and that he will be missing me a lot. He says that this move is more for him than for them (because for one thing, he cannot count on her to move in with him, too. She is traditional and would want the whole marriage thing before settling down...at least that's the case right now, but things can change, right?). There are instances where I feel that he's not going to follow through with this move. He's slipped it out once that maybe moving out in April was a bad idea, that maybe he didn't really have to go. That maybe, it was better he let her go instead. As of last night, his whole decision was still 50-50 he says. However, based on my husband's determination, stubbornness and impulsiveness (his nature) there's also a part of me that believes he will follow through. Would I want him to move out? No. I want my family intact. But I don't tell him that. I also feel sad about it and had been crying with him since March came. But I know that yes, he needs to do this... for himself. To find what he really wants, who he really wants to be with. Here's the thing....my husband moving out? It seems only temporary. Why I say that is because, right now he's not even doing anything to prepare for it (like ask his guy buddy what the arrangement will be like, rent fees and all that). He has no concrete plans... but then it could also mean, as I've said, he's impulsive, he can make a quick getaway anyway. He has said to me more than once, he will still be coming home, sleeping home a few nights while he has this Ernie and Bert bachelor pad. He says that he will be calling me every night he is gone, he knows it. But I've expressed more than once too, it's not going to be that way. I don't want it that way and I could refuse him. That's the biggest thing that scares him, he says. He's even told me our assets, especially our finances, will all be mine. He's just going to ask from me a weekly budget or something. WTH is that? My assessment of it....to him, this could be his soul-searching phase, yes, finding out what he wants. I'd be more than willing to give him space, I get that. But it may also badly go the other way, it's easing out of the relationship....slowly (but painfully). My husband is a creature of habit. This way is him saying..."We're going to get used to this". But then again, it may also be easing out their relationship (with the OW), is that possible? He'll soon get tired of their arrangement, I can see that (though am not sure of it)...so maybe he is taking this time to do that? He's confused. And I know some of the things he's uttering could be manipulation. I am confused myself. I don't know what to do anymore.
datura_noir Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 You need to go NC (no contact) with him at once. I don't know how 'do-able' that is for you, in other words, can he stay somewhere else? Right now, he is being what is called a 'cake-eater', meaning, he has two women with whom he is ping-ponging back and forth with,all the while acting like a forlorn and troubled Heathcliff, probably using big puppy eyes too.Try survivinginfidelity dotcom; read up on the 180. He is a cake eater. It is time to close the bakery.:bunny:
Mr. Lucky Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Would I want him to move out? No. I want my family intact. But part of your "family" seems to be in love with and sleeping with someone else. Your best shot, since you want to keep your M intact, is to force his hand. Screw April, tell him now to choose - her or you. If it's you, he has to go NC with her, be transparent about it and start MC. If it's her, he's out of the house tonight with his stuff on the lawn and you're seeing an attorney tomorrow. His living arrangements are no longer your concern. You have a son to look after and you need to force your H to man up or move on... Mr. Lucky
desertmoon Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Cassiopeia <hugs>!!! My husband and I do not really have a physical relationship-meaning we have not been "intimate" since D-day. But we are civil, friendly and like you,affectionate. It was a difficult thing for him to accept. It wasn't for me..I drew the parameters long time ago...and that's that. He is free to leave but he chose to stay. He has other women ( one at a time, of course), since a year after D-day. It's a difficult thing to have to live with, but I did and I am ok with it. I do not ask questions or explanations. I just want him to make sure he does not bring anything home or do anything to destroy the delicate balance I have maintained through it all. BTW, I have a one daughter, she is 16. To this day, my husband still tells me he loves me, all holidays are spent with us--he said he is determined to win me all over again even if it takes a lifetime....of course, there is more to my story than that. The thing is, you do need to let him be...set him "free" to find himself....at the same time, ask yourself, what is it that you are prepared to do? Will you be able to forgive? and forget? and if not,but still want the marriage-set the parameters and be steadfast. Never beg or act like you need mercy from him.... What is marriage to you? is it only about Love? about intimacy? What is more important to you? Your union? your child to grow up in a loving home despite the flaws? Whatever you decide...things do get better in time...hang in there...!
Author Cassiopeia Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 Thanks for your replies. Hooboy...the bakery. I sure you'd want to close shop and take a holiday! can he stay somewhere else? He can't. Not until next month, and even then, that's not even a sure thing. But as Mr. Lucky says, it's not really my concern anymore. Do ultimatums work all the time? Even for someone who will possibly fail at it? Meaning, choose you, and then lie about NC with her? That's why I don't bring up the ultimatum card, I know him too well..... Guess, this is the part where you kick him outta the door and change the locks, huh? Why can't I do it yet? He is free to leave but he chose to stay. Same scenario, yup! Somehow relieved to have someone else know what I'm going through. But I'm not as okay with it as you, desertmoon. I have not reached that point yet, to be able to live with it. What is it that I want? Right now...a monogamous relationship with my husband. Will you be able to forgive? I have forgiven him early on. But I have not forgotten, that's why it's still hurts. It is, after all, just barely three months. What is more important to you? Right now...my sanity. My head is already hurting from thinking too much. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. desertmoon --- how did you come to be okay with the arrangement you have with the husband now? Did you also go through wanting monogamy and all that before all this? HUGS (=O=) back, by the way. I really am willing to set him free....find himself, search his soul, fall flat on his face, whatever it takes for him to get the lessons from the universe. But I just wish he leaves me out of it and be collateral damage. NC with him would be a start, but why is it so hard to do??
Recommended Posts