Seasonspeech Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Well this is my first post and I'm not used to really posting on forums but I really need some advice from a third party so here goes: Me and my ex just broke up about 2 days ago after dating for 7 months. She didnt really want to break up, but when we talked agreed it would be best. Now she is really upset and wants me to comfort her. Even my friends are getting on my case and calling me a jerk for not caring about her. I dont thinK I should go over to her house and be with her just yet, because I think its too soon. I think we should wait so we can approach it more calmly because I think if I get too emotional I might give in and go back out with her, but I don't really want to and I know it would just hurt her more in the long run. We had already almost broken up a few times and I'm not interested in doing it again. I told her I would go over there once I felt a bit more calm but she just says I dont care about her at all. What exactly should I do? I don't want to be mean but I want to consider my own feelings too this time.
Toodle Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Upset about what? Sorry, just reread your post and saw she is the dumpee, is that right? I guess if you go over she'll probably throw herself at you in an attempt to get back together. Are you positive about your choice? Just sounds like a guilt trip really, but then again it might be an opportunity to make sure she understands there's no going back and you might be doing her a favour. If that's what you end up doing, just stay calm, caring, try not to be patronising but be firm. I'd even suggest some NC time to her and ask your common friends to get her out of the house. Bottom line is that you are not the one she should turn to for comforting at this time. I can see why you feel bad about it but things could get really complicated.
Author Seasonspeech Posted March 8, 2009 Author Posted March 8, 2009 Thanks for the reply Yeah I am positive about my choice we had too little in common towards the end of our relationship. I've tried to convey that we are only friends and are staying that way in every possible way. I've told her to move on and said I wanted her to see other people too if she wanted, but she really doesn't like hearing it... which is understandable. I think she just wants me to go there and tell her what she wants to hear but I cant do that to her...To her and her friends (and even my friends) it seems like I don't care but I care enough to not lead her on. Also, I have one of my friends talking to her about how much I supposedly complained about her and looked at other girls and stuff which isn't helping. I just dont know how to make it easier for her. She has had really bad luck with relationships in the past and I am worried I will make it even harder for her to trust guys.
Toodle Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Well, in that case she's probably trying to guilt-trip you back into a relationship. Try not to judge her. I think what I would find more worrying is that YOUR friends don't seem to understand that when someone breaks up, it's over and that's that. I can understand they might think she's great etc, but you just need to state to them very clearly and simply that you don't feel the two of you are compatible and what you've said above about not leading her on. If they are good friends they'll respect it. I have a friend who still doesn't understand why I broke up with a girl, but we agree to disagree and that's that. Over time it'll dissipate. Don't say anything nasty or judgemental about her. Now, this other friend of yours talking to her... Is it a guy? Think of his motives. And cut him out of your life, the dirty little backstabber If it's a girl, think of her motives (plus bear in mind that some women like to say to each other that all men are bastards during breakups). And don't date her or you'll end up in the middle of a catfight.
Author Seasonspeech Posted March 8, 2009 Author Posted March 8, 2009 Actually its a guy who she almost dated before dating me so yeah..its crossed my mind that he might be trying to do more than just comfort her. At first I was just annoyed when he arranged for my ex to "surprise" me while I was out yesterday at a store, but now he is telling her that I was hitting on girls while I was dating her (Which I didn't). Also, he is going over to her house to comfort her...I've told him a few times to stay out of this but he doesn't seem to want to. And my ex doesn't seem to think he is making all of this worse either which is great.
Ronni_W Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 She's upset about the relationship ending? Of course it's NOT your responsibility or duty to comfort her about that! (Or anything else, really, but especially not about THAT!) Suggest to your well-intentioned but terribly misguided friends that THEY comfort her, instead. Absolutely your first priority at this time is taking care of your own emotional (and other) needs -- that is not being "mean" at all, it is self-responsible. And, really, offering comfort out of guilt is about as uncaring a thing as you can hope to do -- that would be "mean", for all the mixed signals it will send and false hope it may facilitate. EDIT: Just realized that the "friend" may not be so well-intentioned, after all. Bugger him, then. Do what feels right for you.
Author Seasonspeech Posted March 8, 2009 Author Posted March 8, 2009 Yeah I've tried to comfort her as much as I could without lying...but whenever I try she just gets more upset. Maybe NC would be best but I worry that she might get worse if I stop talking to her and seeing her. I am trying to look at the big picture but its hard to get her to see that.
Ronni_W Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Also, he is going over to her house to comfort her...I've told him a few times to stay out of this Ah, NO! You don't get to have it both ways You stopped having any say in who visits, or comforts, or has sex with her. She gets to take comfort from WHOMEVER offers it. But. You do get to tell him not to pull any crap that involves you in any personal way, of course.
Author Seasonspeech Posted March 8, 2009 Author Posted March 8, 2009 That's the thing...any comfort he offers is usually along the lines of "I'm sure he wants to go back out with you" or "He is a horrible person and he complained about you and he liked other girls" ...I would be annoyed if he started dating her but I already told her she is welcome to date whoever she likes since I don't have any say about it. I'm trying my best to act only like a friend would.
Ronni_W Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 I worry that she might get worse if I stop talking to her and seeing her. It's out of your hands. No point trying to influence/control her "grief, healing and recovery" because you really don't have any power in that. Of course things may get worse for her. Or they may not. Either way, it's not your business anymore; not within normal and healthy boundaries...if a permanent break is what you really want. Get totally out, or get totally back in. You can't do a half-assed break-up without facilitating an even bigger mess that will need an even greater "clean-up" at a later date. And honestly, sometimes our "worry" that they won't get on as well without us just comes from some exaggerated sense of our own significance in their lives and ability to cope. It can just be a bit of self-flattering BS, I mean
Author Seasonspeech Posted March 8, 2009 Author Posted March 8, 2009 I suppose you're right...she probably will get over it faster if I'm not around
climbergirl Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 I agree with Toodle. Do not comfort her. Of course she is upset, but I really think her comfort should come from someone else. I understand that you care and want to help-which is very sweet-but she needs to do this on her own.
Ronni_W Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 any comfort he offers is usually along the lines of "I'm sure he wants to go back out with you" or "He is a horrible person and he complained about you and he liked other girls" That is NOT impacting YOU in any personal way because she is gonna think you're a "nice" person or a "horrible" person regardless of what HE says. And if she wants to believe that there's a chance of reconciliation, it also won't matter what you or anyone else says or does. And what SHE thinks and believes does not impact you, in reality. (Although we sometimes do forget that WE are the ones who allow other people's opinions and perceptions to impact our Self.) This stuff is NOT within your power and control. Act in your own best interest, and let the chips fall where they may...they are gonna do exactly that, anyway, yes?
Author Seasonspeech Posted March 8, 2009 Author Posted March 8, 2009 Thanks for all the advice guys, I think I am just gonna stay out of it and see how it turns out.
Toodle Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 TBH, she's going to think you're a horrible person regardless fo what you do, because you won't get back with her. I've met a lot of girls who have never been dumped, and their views on breakups are severely skewed - they simply cannot comprehend why someone would go NC on them (including my ex who now thinks I'm an uncaring jerk because I never call, even though she dumped me!) On the other hand, sounds like she's been the dumpee throughout her relationships? - maybe she just needs to be the dumper to see what it's like on the other side of the fence. Which will probably happen with this "friend" of yours, one she starts haning around with him in public to try and make you jealous, then realise it isn't working so tells him to scram. He will then do plenty of begging and kick up the mind-games and she might find herslf understanding you better. Life, eh!
openbook08 Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 I suppose you're right...she probably will get over it faster if I'm not around there is no suppose. she will. i know you care, thats only natural but i dont think id have as much disdain for my ex as i do now if hed just left me the hell alone. youll think youre there for comfort she'll take it as a sign to rekindle. cant blame her....but by keepin away, in the short term itll be hard for her and even if in the long run she wants nothing to ever do with you at least you wont have contributed even more to her upset,hurt and confusion. breakups are hard
Author Seasonspeech Posted March 8, 2009 Author Posted March 8, 2009 Hmm now I randomly got a text message from her saying we should just hang out so she can get used to being friends.....ehh not sure if that is a good idea either...I dont know how to break it to her that we shouldnt talk for a while
Ronni_W Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 ...ehh not sure if that is a good idea either... I'm gonna disagree with you and say that you are TOTALLY sure of whether or not that is a good idea. Reason is that, so far, it is that your "gut" (instinct, intuition) has been steering you in the direction that is best for you...it's your mind and that "friend" who is causing you to doubt yourself. But your gut does know...and my hunch is that you know that it knows. So, trust your gut, why not?
Author Seasonspeech Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 Yeah I thought about it and told her that we should not see each other for a few months so we can both calm down. She didn't take it well but I didn't expect her to either...hopefully it will turn out better
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