Trying to get EX back.

[bball_guy]

hey, im new to this site and only just came across it by surfing the net. My girlfriend of nearly 1 1/2 years broke up with me about a week ago after telling me that she no longer feels the same way and that it wasn't fair on me to continue the relationship. This was a complete shock to me as 2 weeks before she'd made me this awesome photo collage of us as well as home making my favourite chocolate for me as a valentines gift and just 4 days before the broke up we were texting each other and she said she loved me.

 

She told me that i was her best friend and she still wanted to me to be friends with her unlke all her other boyfriends who had stopped talking to her.

 

I tried to give us both some space but gave into desperation and talked to her about "Why" i think this made her upset/angry she said i was making it hard and hurting myself, but i found out that although i'd thought the relationship was fine she was hurt as i regrettfully didn't appreciate the kind things she did for me.

 

i've blocked her on my messenger now and plan to not talk to her for a month hopefully giving myself a chance to get my life back together ( I stopped doing alot of stuff since being with her) and also give her sometime to herself.

 

I'm actually quite young and i don't know if i'd spend the rest of my life with this girl, but she means so much more to me than all my previous girlfriends every did and i know i'm not ready to let her go yet.

 

any tips or advice for my situation would be greatly appreciated

[Peter_pan]

how old are you?

 

tbh you wont "get your life together" in a month... that would be quite amazing.

 

im really sorry to hear your going through this, its hard i know. so when you asker her "why" she basically said you didnt appreciate her?

 

most people say go to NC. its fair enough if you dont want her to be in your life then go NC. dont do what i did and try and use it as a tool to win them back. it dosnt work.

 

i think the best thing is to go with light contact and try and get her to really see how much you do appreciate her.

 

its not like she is off buffing another guy. like my ex did.

[bball_guy]

Thanks for replying,

 

I'm 18.

 

Our relationship kinda deteriorated the last few months, she's started tafe and working two jobs, i just started going back to uni and we didnt see each other as much.

 

She told me about some of the things that she'd done for me and how my response to them had hurt her, i felt really bad hearing this as i'd thought everything was fine.

 

I think the final straw was the day before we broke up, i was supposed to go to hers for dinner, but was held up at work, i called when i got home and she said she was alreading having dinner and maybe we should put it off for another day. She seemed really different on the phone alot colder and then the next day she told me what i said in my previous post.

 

I think while i was with her i drifted off into my own world, i didn't socialise with other people as much and relied on her for quite alot, this is what i plan to fix.

 

i'm hoping that by giving her some space she might start to miss what we had and when i get my life and confidence back, (even if its longer than a month) i'll be able to make contact with her and try and start over with a clean slate.

[BCCA]

but was held up at work

 

So you feel bad because you got held up at work and she started eating without you? Dude, EVERYONE gets held up at work from time to time, and she should have been understanding that you are a responsible person, and with that responsibility comes having to work a little late sometimes.

 

She had already made her mind up by that point. Chances are, that dinner would have been when she dropped the bomb if you had came over. When you were running late, it through off her timing, and she backed out for the time being. Its not uncommon for people to go back and forth before they end it for real.

 

The best thing you can do is move on like shes not coming back, and stay out of contact. Trust me, she will NEVER miss you or wonder if youre still around, and shes going to need a lot more than a month to ponder things. If she does come back, which is not very likely - sorry to say, it will be 100% her decision, so nothing you say or do will help, it will only make it even less likely that shell consider you again.

 

Also, I've known very few people to find a meaningful lifelong relationship at your age. You have your whole life ahead of you, dont waste any of it on someone who doesnt want you.

[bball_guy]

yeah what your saying all makes sense i just can't understand how she can go from telling me she loves me and making me gifts and texting me everyday to wanting nothing to do with me within a week.

 

we've never had a fight about anything. i just can't understand whats going on in her head..

[BCCA]

yeah what your saying all makes sense i just can't understand how she can go from telling me she loves me and making me gifts and texting me everyday to wanting nothing to do with me within a week.

 

we've never had a fight about anything. i just can't understand whats going on in her head..

 

With women, there is generally a lengthy withdrawl period, in which its not uncommon to go 180 about your feelings pretty regularly. Eventually, they stablize more on the 'dump' side, and then end it. I think everyone thats ever been dumped has been told how much theyre loved right before being left.

[samspade]

With women, it's like a switch they flip off. So it seems to their oblivious boyfriends, anyway. As BCCA said, she'd been slowly detaching herself, emotionally, from you...while simultaneously building a small case against you so she had a few things to blame on you. (This is so she isn't totally responsible for the breakup, see.)

 

Regardless, at least she had the good sense to tell you up front. Take a look around this site and you'll see a lot of stories worse than yours. If I were you, I'd avoid the friendship thing, for as long as it takes. There is no sense in being friends with an ex, but if it's going to happen, you'll need a long period of NC to heal first.

[Peter_pan]

yeah i wouldnt read into mate. although i know thats all you want to do. but yeah most people have been told of how much they are loved etc then dumped.

 

most were dumped out of random to. the girl would have emotionally detached a while back before dropping the bomb.

 

its good (better) that she was up front about it. i received an email whilst i was out the country telling me of her new love. how cowardly.

 

anyways your young, use this as an experience and move on, like you said you probably couldn't see yourself with this girl for rest of your life anway

[bball_guy]

Thanks for all the resposes i've found them to be quite helpfull.. although not exactly what i was looking for , would it at all be possble for me to try and start over with her though, i know she's a good person and is not someone i just want to throw away.

 

Do people ever get back with their EX's in a situation like mine?

 

It's stupid i know but i'm still hanging on to that little bit of hope that if i show her i can be a better person i can win her back.

[Peter_pan]

Thanks for all the resposes i've found them to be quite helpfull.. although not exactly what i was looking for , would it at all be possble for me to try and start over with her though, i know she's a good person and is not someone i just want to throw away.

 

Do people ever get back with their EX's in a situation like mine?

 

It's stupid i know but i'm still hanging on to that little bit of hope that if i show her i can be a better person i can win her back.

 

yeah you probably thought it would be easier.

 

people can get back with ex;s in any situation, but mostly they dont work out and the person is different then anyway, or the same old issues creep in or they end up being cheated etc.

 

do what you want to do mate, you dont want to regret anything so i would say since she hasnt met anyone else, try and show her how much of a better person you are. if it dosnt work or she dosnt appreciate it, then draw the line and help yourself

[Mary1977]

With women, it's like a switch they flip off. So it seems to their oblivious boyfriends, anyway.

As a women who has had the switch flipped on her, I can say that this isn't a gender thing - men are just as capable of switching off their emotions on the spin of a coin.

[samspade]

The only way you have a glimmer of hope is by leaving her alone and living your life and moving on. If you "try" to get her back, you'll push her away even more. (Man, how many times have I typed that sentence!)

 

I don't mean to sound patronizing, but at 18 you have a lot of women to look forward to. Are you going to college? If so, you will forget about her in a New York minute. My girlfriend in high school broke up with me the summer before I went to college. I was down for a few days, then I realized, hell, I'll be meeting plenty of NEW women in the fall. By October or November, she was calling me in tears telling me how much she missed me.

 

We'd "get back together" when I was back in town, but it was just for sex, since at that point I was completely over her. That's usually how second chances work, though I would advise not even getting back together for sex (I'm 33 now so sex isn't the holy grail it was when I was 18).

[bball_guy]

Thanks everyone for your imput, it has helped.

 

I tried going no contact and after several days she texted me asking me to "promise that i didnt have anything going with another girl" while we were together.

 

I didn't reply to this text as i thought it was quite a stupid question as she knows i would never do anything like that to her. After a couple of days though sent one back saying "i have never contemplated nor needed to cheat on you..ever" and just left it at that.

 

she then sent me several more texts telling me how she was doing and that she missed talking to me. I gave in a bit when i read that, it just seemed to give me hope whether or not so i replied although kept my responses brief and only responded when she actually asked me a question.

 

Since then she has not texted or called or anything however she will say hello to me and asked how im doing and suck me into a short conversation on MSN.

 

I feel really bad for her at the moment, she is juggling two jobs, undergoing fulltime study, her mother is frequently in and out of hospital, her friend has just had a serious heart attack and is also in hospital and she is likely to be moving house soon, i beleive she is almost carrying an enormous amount of pressure in keeping her family together and isn't really appreciated for everything she does, all this and she is only 17 years old.

 

I called her up yesterday to see how she was doing and asked her if she would wanna have if she would want to have lunch with me, she seemed unsure and changed the topic to her work, i didn't press the issue and then said i had to go and hung up.

 

later that evening she came on MSN and i asked her if she'd made up her mind because a friend had also asked me to hang out at the same time. I don't know if this was a mistake because i think i just gave her the easy way out. she told me to jsut go hang out with my friend as she would probably go and see hers in hospital. I then told her that if she ever wanted to have lunch to give me a call. I then blocked her from MSN and have no intention of talking to her unless she calls me which i beleive to be unlikely. I will not respond to her texts should she send any and will not give in this time.

 

I feel alot better now that it doesn't rest on me anymore and i plan to start going out more and begin to enjoy the single life again like i use to.

 

The only thing going over in my mind is that i thought i would surprise her this easter by leaving a chocolate bunny outside her door, it would be anonymous althoguh she would probably guess who it was from, i think this may just put a smile on her face, god knows she deserves it.

 

Anymore advice/reccomendations would be greatly appreciated, also would the easter thing be a bad idea?

[Peter_pan]

Thanks everyone for your imput, it has helped.

 

I tried going no contact and after several days she texted me asking me to "promise that i didnt have anything going with another girl" while we were together.

 

I didn't reply to this text as i thought it was quite a stupid question as she knows i would never do anything like that to her. After a couple of days though sent one back saying "i have never contemplated nor needed to cheat on you..ever" and just left it at that.

 

she then sent me several more texts telling me how she was doing and that she missed talking to me. I gave in a bit when i read that, it just seemed to give me hope whether or not so i replied although kept my responses brief and only responded when she actually asked me a question.

 

Since then she has not texted or called or anything however she will say hello to me and asked how im doing and suck me into a short conversation on MSN.

 

I feel really bad for her at the moment, she is juggling two jobs, undergoing fulltime study, her mother is frequently in and out of hospital, her friend has just had a serious heart attack and is also in hospital and she is likely to be moving house soon, i beleive she is almost carrying an enormous amount of pressure in keeping her family together and isn't really appreciated for everything she does, all this and she is only 17 years old.

 

I called her up yesterday to see how she was doing and asked her if she would wanna have if she would want to have lunch with me, she seemed unsure and changed the topic to her work, i didn't press the issue and then said i had to go and hung up.

 

later that evening she came on MSN and i asked her if she'd made up her mind because a friend had also asked me to hang out at the same time. I don't know if this was a mistake because i think i just gave her the easy way out. she told me to jsut go hang out with my friend as she would probably go and see hers in hospital. I then told her that if she ever wanted to have lunch to give me a call. I then blocked her from MSN and have no intention of talking to her unless she calls me which i beleive to be unlikely. I will not respond to her texts should she send any and will not give in this time.

 

I feel alot better now that it doesn't rest on me anymore and i plan to start going out more and begin to enjoy the single life again like i use to.

 

The only thing going over in my mind is that i thought i would surprise her this easter by leaving a chocolate bunny outside her door, it would be anonymous althoguh she would probably guess who it was from, i think this may just put a smile on her face, god knows she deserves it.

 

Anymore advice/reccomendations would be greatly appreciated, also would the easter thing be a bad idea?

 

ok man well i would say she dosnt want anything to do with you, unfortunately and the way she handled the lets have lunch thing reflects that.

 

you cant really go into nc and then leave random presents at her door... its only easter ! this will look desperate and although your actions show NC leaving gifts is the complete opposite and kind of confusing.

 

are you aware that the dumper will normally like to stay in touch with the dumped because it elevates any guilt they hold. it means she thinks in her mind that what was done is acceptable and i am sure in your mind it most obviously isnt.

 

even if at first a semi friendship is built up, it never lasts it will fade away. and you can never truly be friends as how are one another supposed to talk about there new date or how happy there feeling as mr xzy has given her the best orgasm of her life...

 

anyway i think you know what needs to be done, for your sake. your young, there will be other women..

[Hersheys]

The only thing going over in my mind is that i thought i would surprise her this easter by leaving a chocolate bunny outside her door, it would be anonymous althoguh she would probably guess who it was from, i think this may just put a smile on her face, god knows she deserves it.

 

Anymore advice/reccomendations would be greatly appreciated, also would the easter thing be a bad idea?

 

Please don't do it. If someone does this to me I'd get annoyed and freak out.

 

Don't waste your money on the choco bunny. It's best to leave her alone. Focus on other things going on in your life while she deals with her own problems. You got yourself to take care of too!

[samspade]

The only thing going over in my mind is that i thought i would surprise her this easter by leaving a chocolate bunny outside her door, it would be anonymous althoguh she would probably guess who it was from, i think this may just put a smile on her face, god knows she deserves it.

 

Do NOT do this. It smacks of desperation. She'd figure it out. She already politely turned you down when you offered her a little comfort. Let her work through her own problems.

 

These situations remind me of an old Onion article about a guy who called his ex-gf just to see if everything is okay after 9/11. The point I'm making is that things like that are still just an excuse to contact, even though I know deep down you care about her well-being. It's easy to use those things as a smokescreen to contact an ex, nonetheless.

[drummerprince81]

I did something similar about 2 weeks. We'd only been apart a week so it was still fresh and we had actually reconciled a few days before only to be left hanging again, but I left a gift I had already made for my now ex-girlfriend's birthday at her house. It didn't make a difference. Yeah, it probably does look desperate but when you love somebody so much, nobody really knows what to do, and I just wanted her to have it. However, I think sending a choc bunny now would be bad timing. Unfortunately, timing is imperative.

 

My break-up is very similar to yours, and on reflection, I really did nothing that bad. And I just think there must be something I can do now, to make things possible in the future even though I am letting go.

[bball_guy]

Thank-You for all the replies it really does help getting different perspectives on my situation as my judgment is undoubtebly clouded by my desires to be with her once again.

 

I just don't understand, i thought i knew her so well and now she's all hot and cold to me. She told me i was her best friend and that she didn't want me to stop talking to her like all her other ex-boyfriends had. I even remember her sort of flirting with me when she broke up with me saying "i have a sexy ass" and kicking my bum as we walked and talked, is that normal during a breakup? everything she has done contradicts everything she's said and it doesn't make any sense to me.

 

This may sound stupid by i believe i'm still hanging onto some slight hope that she still cares for me if even only a little bit, why would she ask me to promise i hadn't had anything going with another girl (in our situation i could not possibly think of a more rediculous question) and why would it matter now anyway?

 

Also she has questioned me about the friends i am hanging out with. She was also initally angry at me after the break up, when i started talking to her friends on myspace, she said she didn't but just wanted to "why now?" and said that i never cared before. i told her "I never needed to talk to anyone else when i was with her". I beleive that was when she deleted me from her friends list on myspace, I have only just removed her as i was paranoid and kept checking up on her page only to see several guys hitting on her and although she ahsnt openly flirted back with them, i have to restrain myself from losing it (I'm normally a very calm person) as she i not mine anymore and acting like she is will mostly likely just keep pushing her further away. So i believe removing her will be for the better as it will remove the temptation of checking up on her and what i don't know won't hurt me.

 

In my head I know i'm looking into this too much and I do try to distract myself by going out with my mates, playing sport and general just talking to anyone (i find socialising is the best relief) but the worst time is when i try to sleep i will often lay there for anything up to an hour or so just running things through my head and all the small insignificant details become so much more in my mind.

 

I've still got a CD i had made for her along with a picture i drew and the latest season of her favourite tv show, should i hang onto them to give to her later on of just forget about it and chuck them out?

 

I also wanted to get some photos off her just for memories sake, if she hasnt tossed them that is, how would i go about asking her for them, or should i just give it more time, do people usually keep those sort of things i don't want her to go through and clear out all "our" things as i would like to have them one day.

 

The last time i talked to her i told her that she made the right decision and that i was completely ok with it, so she shouldn't feel bad. I plan to leave her alone now, I will not attempt to contact her in anyway and will not reply to any texts should she send me any, but should she call me should i answer or just ignore her?

 

I know i took her for granted before, i thought she would always be there for me and i regretebly did not always put her first. However i don't believe i was a bad boyfriend, i just didnt do as much as i could of, I was complacent.

 

Something that has been on my mind is that although i wasn't there for her enough i did so much more than other guys i know have done or do for their girls, although thinking about it now i didn't do as much at the end as i did in the start. However i hear of girls who get beaten by their boyfriends or the boyfriend cheats on them and yet they stay. I beleive i am a good person and could never imagine myself doing anything like that to any girl let alone one i love and respect so much.

 

I think our failing communication cause the end of us as i would of quite happily done anything for her had she asked, yet she beleived she shouldn't of had to ask. I can't read minds so am still puzzling about how i can preven this happening to me again in the future.

 

Is it possile that i would one day be able to show her i can give her more than i did before or are these thigs more often than not set in concrete?

 

Regardless i will not be talking to her anytime soon so hopefully i will be able to get over her a bit more in this time as i currently experience highs and lows and am constantly changing my mind about things.

 

I feel myself getting stronger with each day although i still have some ways to go i am certain i will be able to maintain the No Contact with her this time.

 

I guess the hardest thing about this is that (this may sound very cliche) she is truly a great person and her happiness means the world to me and this will be very hard for me to let go.

 

 

It's actually made me feel alot better just typing this and leting all my thoughts out, although i'm sure it's only temporary relief but it's relief none-the-less:)

 

Thanks again.