BeenHereBefore Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Hi All, This is my first post here. So the title of the thread says it all: Can her friends ruin our chances at reconciliation? My gf and I (1.5 years) broke up last night after being on a break for a few weeks. She has lost the feeling that she used to have. She said we just didn't feel like us anymore, and that she loved me, but didn't feel "in love" anymore. Our relationship had entered a comfortable stage, where we could hang out in sweat pants and not care, but I had no idea she was losing the spark between us. Since last nigth, she has messaged me online, and by text, saying she isn't sure this is what she wanted, I am a huge part of her life, she doesn't want to let that go, she loves me, and that maybe breaking up was the wrong decision. She said she needs a few days to think it over. After hearing that, I was pretty sure I'd be hearing from her / seeing her in the near future to entertain ideas of "us" again. She posted to her Facebook status that she wonders if she did the right thing. Well...her friends are all over her wall sending her messages saying "everything happens for a reason", "things will get better" and "don't doubt your choices" etc. I too have been hearing from my friends, but I take comments with a grain of salt, knowing that a lot of times people say what they think you want to hear to make you feel better. As for us, I am a more logical thinker, and she is more emotional. Can these friends be getting to her, changing her mind? I know I have to leave her alone to think things through. I will be on NC until I hear from her. I know after 1.5 years, she can't just stop loving me, even if she doesn't feel the same exciting "in love" feelings, and I know she is missing me. She has mentioned how good I have always treated her, but I worry about how much "he's no good for you" talk she is getting from her girlfriends. Any thoughts and / or advice?
Geishawhelk Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Yes. They're right. Not one of them urged her to break up with you in the first place. She did that on her own, because she realised her feelings for you had changed. She then had second thoughts, because of the following reasons: (...) she isn't sure this is what she wanted, I am a huge part of her life, she doesn't want to let that go, she loves me, and that maybe breaking up was the wrong decision This is still a minefield of uncertainty, because she truly doesn't know her own mind. if she decides against all odds, to get abck with you - brace yourself. I actually don't think it will last. If she has lost the feeling that she used to have. She said we just didn't feel like us anymore, and that she loved me, but didn't feel "in love" anymore... It's actually quite hard to get it back. You'll both have to work together, and compromise, nourish, support and nurture each other. Suggest to her that really, for both your sakes, she just listens to her own inner voice and spends a bit of time thinking about it on her own, with no input from anyone. Not you, not her friends, nobody. Then, get her to come back to you and discuss it, in a mature way. Good luck. I wish you well, but I'm erring on the side of doubt here, myself.......
EasyHeart Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Can these friends be getting to her, changing her mind? I know I have to leave her alone to think things through. I will be on NC until I hear from her. I know after 1.5 years, she can't just stop loving me, even if she doesn't feel the same exciting "in love" feelings, and I know she is missing me. She has mentioned how good I have always treated her, but I worry about how much "he's no good for you" talk she is getting from her girlfriends. Any thoughts and / or advice? OH YES! Absolutely, her friends could be (and probably are) trying to sabotage you. Especially if her friends are single. Fo whatever reason, single women seem to love telling each other that all men are losers, you need to dump him, he doesn't deserve you, there are better fish in the sea, etc. There's a reason some people never have successful relationships, and they seem compelled to make sure that their friends are equally miserable. (Yes, I speak from experience. And bitterness.) Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do about it. If she listens to them instead of you, there's not a heck of a lot you can do about it. It's pretty common for people to lose the 'spark' after a long relationship. Especially younger people, who think of relationships as infatuation and romance -- that stuff can only last so long. If you want to reconcile, you're going to have to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it. And so is she. That's going to require a lot of communication and a lot of work on BOTH your parts. You can't just go back to same-old-same-old and expect it to work. Are you ready to do that? And is she?
hopethisworks Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Its tough to say. It depends on how her friends really perceive you. I beat myself up about the same thing, because her friends were the front line of your exes venting. They seldom hear the unbiased version of things, and always hear the bad. My ex really only has one true friend, and thats her roomate. When we split she rebounded with her roomates friend, which is funny because her roomate is now stuck in the middle of it, and knows that she cant play sides now. In my case, I was always very friendly to my exes friends both before the break up and after. Its something you should definately do regardless of how things turn out. In the end you will feel so much better about it, or at least I do. I actually had one of my exes friends tell me the other night that she lost the best thing she had going for her when she broke up with me.
Author BeenHereBefore Posted March 8, 2009 Author Posted March 8, 2009 Its tough to say. It depends on how her friends really perceive you. I'm not sure. Her two best friends know everything, from how good I have treated her, and the things I do for her, to all our stupid fights and everything in between. I just hope that somehow the thought is in her head that none of the people trying to influence her knows her as well as I do, or loves her as much as I do. I'm trying to stay positive and believe that whole "if I set her free and she comes back" mentality. Hopefully a serious case of not knowing what she had until it was gone may shake things up.
Toodle Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 I'm not posting this to give you hope (since it's best to asume there isn't) or to indicate that reconciliation would even work, but: Think of a time you made a decision yourself. Think of the support friends gave you at the time. My experience is that sometimes, eventually that little voice in the back of your head eventually makes you disregard what everyone is saying. Sometimes we need ot make our own mistakes before we realise people were right. Essentially, what I'm saying is that she might eventually go against what her friends are saying in some kind of reverse psych way. Having sid that, whenver I have done that myself, my friends have always ended up being proven right...
EasyHeart Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Hopethisworks makes an excellent point. I think the problem is usually that friends only hear the bad stuff -- why bring it up if things are going well? -- so they are usually going to be biased against you. Whether you GF listens to them or not depends a lot on her. I think that if she's a pretty independent person with good self-esteem, she'll decide for herself. But a lot of people are more influenced by what their friends say. I guess the real point here, though, is that there's pretty much nothing you can do about it.
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