janecia Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Hello everyone…I am going through a huge dilemma right now. I have been dating my bf for nearly 3.5 years. The majority of our relationship has been long distance. In the past we use to make time to see each other on a regular basis. We even attended some courses together at the local university. My bf has been there for me through the scare of having a mass in my breast to sharing Christmas Day for the past three years with me and my immediate family. For the past year and a half we have been talking about marriage even to the point of going to stores looking for rings. He is a wonderful person, smart, family oriented and I consider him to not only be my bf but also a close friend. Our relationship is really the first formal one that he has been in. He comes from a good family and is the youngest and only male child. He has lived a sheltered life as far as a true reality of having to work and attend school to make ends meet or to take various jobs just to make it. In the past, his parents and sisters have been the support system for him. I on the other hand had parents who wanted and encouraged me to leave the nest and I did so at the age of 18. The past year he relocated about 3 hours north of me to obtain a job in a prominent company. He started at the base level with the goal of working up—he was released from the job Jan of this year because of not being able to meet company stats. He was employed for a year there and did obtain an apartment which was his first time living on his own. Every since we have been talking about marriage one of the things that I really wanted to see was could he take care of himself and could he also be the provider for me if we were to marry. I know that people are laying off and usually the last ones in are the first ones out. I have encouraged him to look for other employment and have job searched for him as well. He does have a partime job that he has had over a year –which now he averages about 10 hours a week at minimum wage. He receives unemployment and to me seems very content with it and his 10 hours a week. For weeks, I have asked him about the job hunting progress and he still thinks that searching the computer is enough. We all know jobs are hard to obtain now but it does take effort to get out there and make yourself known to employers. I have been unhappy and upset for the past two months because I feel that he does not understand or see the importance of being a provider. He tells me all the time I am his best friend and mean the world to him. He depends on me a lot. I have helped him in the past by allowing him to live in my spare bedroom for what I initially thought would be a couple of months and ended up being nearly have a year in which I did not receive financial support. I feel like I am the provider for him. He does not say give me this give me that ..things I have done in the past was something I volunteered to do in thoughts that it would help him get on his feet since he was just finishing grad school. I am so in need of having a mate that would step up to the plate and say honey, I am here for you emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually just as you are for me. I feel that maybe I am not the one for him ..I am experienced in some areas of life that he is still finding his way to. I think that when you get to this point of the relationship it’s a crossroads. I don’t think he is a user, I feel that he is just oblivious to things. I know that women tend to mature faster but we are both beyond our 20’s. We talk everyday on the phone now it seems to be routine and I am so disconnected .. I just feel that we are on different pages. I have been so stressed about this as well as other things. I know the whole point of dating is get to know someone to see if they are someone you want to live the rest of your life with. I have talked with him many times about my concerns and have been really trying to make it work. He seems to be content and happy with the relationship and I am so lonely in it…and I have really tried to be patient and understanding with him but he just does not see the big picture and I am not confident that he will. I thought that maybe he does not know how to do these things for himself and is still learning. To me he is content – he says he wants to have these things and to be a provider but his actions are different …how long do I sacrifice to see if he will “grow up” or come around …I do not want to come off as the bad person at all and I get sick to my stomach from the thought of hurting him in any way. I care for him a lot and I love him but I feel and am seeing more and more a disconnect and the thought of he is not the one for me.[/FONT][/sIZE]
Geishawhelk Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Sorry. I gave up half way, because your post is impossible to read. it's too solid nd one big block of text. As far as I can gather, you want him to take a more active role in job hunting, because you want to be supported, or have a guy who's caopable of supporting you. This does make you sound quite shallow and dependent. You shouldn't view people in this way, but if it's really an issue for you, I think you need to tell him it bugs you and it's a deal breaker for you. He could be depressed. Being jobless in the current economic climate is a crappy thing to deal with. Don't cut and paste, and break it up into legible chunks and easy-on-the-eye paragraphs. Thanks.
anne1707 Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 I agree with Geisha. When I managed to struggle through reading your post (paragraphs please!) it seems to me you want him to "provide" and that is it. Sorry but this is the 21st century - you can "provide" too. It also seems as if you are complaining of having to support him yet that is what you want him to do for you. I hate double standards.
Author janecia Posted March 8, 2009 Author Posted March 8, 2009 Thanks for the feedback and I will take note of the advice for the posting format-sorry for the newbie mistake. I may have not been clear in my post and the format may have limited the ability to actually grasp what I was trying to get across. I am totally self sufficent. I am wanting a partner in which we both give and recieve. To sum it up he does not quite understand the importance of being able to support himself and take on the role of the husband. In the relationship, I am the one who provides for him in hopes that it would help him get on his feet. I know that finance is one of the key components to failed marriages. As stated in my orginal post, I know that the economy is bad but I feel that he should still try to seek employment. He has a lot of good qualities but I am concerned about the initiative aspect.
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