Thsbiansrck Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Ok, so here's the deal. I am 21 years old and recently married in January. Yay go me! Well my now husband has been a porn addict since he was about 13 years old. I say porn addict now because I never would have imagined how bad it is. I was not naive enough to think that he never looked at it, but he told me it was not that often so, ok... Well we moved in together after a few months of dating and then in August he proposed. I was so happy but, I couldn't help but think about all the times I caught him looking at porn. Straight porn, gay porn, Hentai, just about everything under the sun. Long story short, I have told him on numerous occasions and even left him for a week to think it over about a month before the wedding. When I came home I told him that I couldn't live like this and that something was going to have to change. He agreed and actually did really well for a while. Then two days before our wedding I caught him looking at porn again. This time I pu my foot down. I told him that it was me or the porn and that if he chose me he had better be prepared for the changes that would follow. Now, I know how addiction works and I understand that people are likely to slip from time to time. So that I could understand, but what has happened since I can not. Two days after our wedding I noticed that there was a virus on the laptop, well after some research I realized it was from a gay porn site. I was livid, but I kept my cool. Well that might have been a mistake because every time I leave the house he is looking at porn and I have had it. I gave him the choice... and I hate ultimatums. But I feel this is something I HAVE to follow through with. I can't stay in a marriage when I am going to feel cheated, not feel wanted, and when I am going to be continually lied to. So I have decided to leave. When he goes to work on Monday morning my unlce is coming over to help me move. I plan to be all moved out by the time he comes home this way I don't have to hear him say that he promises he is going to change and all the other lies I have heard before. He recently paid for me to go to school for bartending and I am afraid he will think I used him for that. No, that is not it at all. I was only waiting on my tax refund to come in so I would have a bit of a cushion to fall back on if I needed to. I know he will tell me he wants me to pay him back for the class even though it was my Valentine's Day gift, but I don't mind. He is refusing any help at all, he is denying is problem and hurting me, so I feel I have to leave. So I am leaving him this note when I leave... I am just afraid it will be too callous... Any opinions?????? Lost in AZ [sIZE=2]I warned you, to not break my heart. I know about the porn. [/sIZE] [sIZE=2]I refuse to live with someone, anyone who can lie so easily. You told me 2 days before our wedding that you chose me. I can see now that was never really true. I am sorry you can't have it both ways. You can't tell me that you choose me and still look at porn and then expect me to just be OK with it. I have given you every opportunity to change and I see that you can't or won't. I would love to think it's that you can't, because that would mean that you could get help for it. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that you just won't. I feel you think that I am going to just put up with it and continue to let it go. I can not. No, I will not. You need to be with someone who is truly OK with it. [/sIZE] [sIZE=2]I know the way I have left may seem unfair, and it is in a way. I am not going to lie and say that this was a hard choice. I think if anything you deserve the truth. Now what you do with it is up to you. This is not something that took a lot of courage. This was easy. What was hard was realizing and admitting to myself that this would never change. Now you might be thinking that if I had only told what I was thinking, if I had been honest with you that you could have changed it. I think we both know I have been honest with you about my feelings when it comes to this for the last year. So here for the last few weeks I made the choice to just not say anything because my mind was made up. I know that my Valentine's Day gift was that you paid my tuition to go to bartending school. It has nothing to do with the fact that you put me through that, and that I saw that as my way out . My mind was made up before that. And as wrong as it seems that I allowed you to pay for that when I knew that I was leaving, but to tell you I was leaving would have been a mistake because I know you would have tried to change for all the wrong reasons. I never wanted you to change just to save face. I wanted you to stop looking at all the porn because you knew how much it hurt me. Because you knew that you were in a relationship and because you cared about me. Not just to save your marriage. Now granted that would have been a good start, to stop just to at least save your marriage, but you didn't even do that. [/sIZE] [sIZE=2]I know that you were looking at porn the weekend we got married.[/sIZE] [sIZE=2]I made the mistake of allowing us to get married. I never should have. I thought that maybe if we got married it would stop. Then I was only disappointing to realize that there is no white horse riding off into the sunset, no happy ending. In fact it only hurt more. Funny how that works. Maybe it was because I naively thought that marriage vows meant something. I thought that you understood I was serious, it was either me or the porn. Me or the porn. Nothing more, nothing less. I did not mean for you to continue to look at it and just get better at hiding it, because if that is what I meant that is what I would have said. I thought it was pretty clear. I guess not. [/sIZE] [sIZE=2]I don't mean to sound spiteful I really don't. I understand that we have been though a lot together, and please understand that I still hold a very high amount of respect for you. You were there when a lot of men would have walked away. You held my hand through two miscarriages and I know you love me. I love you as well, and it's like I have told you, I will always love you, no matter what. I did not lie about that, but you made the choice to have porn and to not have me. You can't have us both. This is not something I take lightly, I hate the idea of divorce, for the simple fact that it turns us both in to liars. We promised to always be there, to always love, till death do us part. I meant it in my vows, I still mean it. I don't want you completely out of my life, but we can not be together. We both deserve the chance to be happy. You will find some one someday who will be OK with the porn, and how often you look at it, and I will find some one I can honestly believe will not lie to me about it. [/sIZE] [sIZE=2]Like I said, I do not want to cut you out of my life completely, I just will not continue to be your wife. Not after all the broken promises. Not after all the heart ache you have caused with those lies. I will need my space as I am sure you will as well for a long while. Now should our paths ever cross again, I will not treat you with anything but respect. I wish you no ill will what so ever. I wish you only the best, and can only hope that once the anger subsides, the sadness passes, and that when the day comes i cross your mind with out a string of curses following it, that someday you will understand this is for the best. We would have not been happy as married couple. We would have come to this one way or another. We are too different you and I. Our personalities would have made an amazing friendship but as a couple I understand that it doesn't work out quite the same way. [/sIZE] [sIZE=2]If anything I hope that we can leave the same way we came, whole and independent. Someday our hearts will heal and someday we will be able to love again. Yes, our hearts will break for awhile, but they will come back stronger, smarter and more resilient. I am pretty sure that you will hate me for a long time, and that is your choice, I would rather you didn't, but I can't make you understand that this is something I had to do. I want nothing from you, all I want is what I came in with and the gifts that were given to us by my family( the dinnerware, sliverware and the stainless steel pots and pans). The things we bought together with any wedding money you are more than welcome to.[/sIZE] [sIZE=2]I don't know what you will choose to tell you family, I would rather you didn't lie and just say that I used you to get out. We both know that's not true, we both know that is not the kind of person I am. I have explained to you over and over again how much your decision to continually look at porn would not bode well with me. Now I am simply acting on what I said. And it breaks my heart for the simple fact this was completely avoidable. It was not that I don't love you. It wasn't because you were abusive, nor was it that I hated you and just couldn't stand you. No, I love you, I would have loved for us to spend our lives together, and have many happy years. I was not oblivious to the fact that marriage is hard. I was not so naive to think we would always be happy, but I was naive enough to think that a clear cut choice was just that, a clear cut choice. I gave you that choice before we married and I never said that it was only temporary. I meant for good. Me or the porn. That's it. There is and was never anything more to it than that. You chose porn. You could have sought out counseling, you could have avoiding situations that would have tempted you to look at it, but you obviously thought I was not serious and that I would not follow through with the subsequently implied actions that follow a statement of, "It's me or the porn.". I feel if you had truly understood that statement this never would have happened. I am not one to give ultimatums to begin with, but I felt that you needed to know I was serious, and now you know I am. I wish you never would have had to find out just how serious I was. I wish things would have been different, but we both know what has been done, can not be undone. [/sIZE] [sIZE=2]I do love you, as hard as that may be to believe, but I think we need to go our separate ways. Nothing could convince me otherwise, if there was I would not be typing this. I would not have packed my stuff, I would not have left. You can choose to email me, call me and what ever you want, but understand, I will not reply, I will not call you back. I will need my space from you, because i am afraid that my resolve would waiver and I would just come back, and that is not what is right for either us. We don't need to be married. Please don't try to call my family asking about me because they will not tell you, I have asked them not to. I will contact you with the papers for the divorce as soon as I can. Hopefully we can just push for an annulment, but if not than that is OK. The divorce should go smoothly just for the fact that it will be uncontested, we are leaving with what we came with, we have no children, and we own no property jointly. Hopefully this will be a swift process because I feel the longer it is drawn out the longer the heartache lasts. I just want us to both move on and be happy. [/sIZE]
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 This is all so sad. it sounds like he has a true addiction, porn is addictive.
pelicanpreacher Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Wow, that was a very well thought out and eloquently stated good-bye letter (and to think that you're only 21)! It is truly sad that the man who stood at the altar to profess his undying love and devotion to you could be so entrenched within his own deviant proclivities that he couldn't change himself to save himself but alas, he is who is he is and has proven that is all he will ever be. Be strong in your conviction and find your way happily through life while harkening to the advise posed by Maya Angelou upon entering new relationships that "When someone shows you who they are...believe them"!
Author Thsbiansrck Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 Thank you. Though I will not lie, there is a part of me that wanted to tell him why not and what for in the crudest manner possible. I can't say I am not angry, I am just aware enough of my anger to know that I am only angry that he refuses to seek help. I am not upset so much by the addiction itself as the lack of corrective action tied to such said addiction. Tomorrow (well in about 4 hours) is the day. I feel bad that I told him I was only spring cleaning and putting things in boxes to get it out of the way but like I said, it has to happen this way. I don't know what will transpire from all of this, but I do only wish him the best in the end. Again, thank you. SarahJane
pelicanpreacher Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 You're a wiley one! Husband: Hello, 911? Help! Police! A robber snuck in and stole all my wife's spring cleaning!!! Police: What's missing sir? Husband: All my wife's stuff! Police: (click) Husband: Hello?...Hello? (If you're going to pull a stunt like this I'd personally hold off until April the 1st) :lmao::lmao:
Awesome84 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Ok without knowing the husband I am going to give you an answer on both sides. Number one thing that rings in my head is that you CAN NOT change a man. If he was like this before you got married... it will not change and you shouldn't have married him... I know... shoulda, coulda, woulda.... But this isn't hindsight. There is nothing wrong with you for not accepting this behavior from him and not liking it if it is your own personal 'deal breaker'. We all have them. However, most men that I know... like porn! And I don't see nothing wrong with it. It's just watching other people have sex! It's just a bit more than Skinemax. IMO... what's wrong with that??? But as I said... there isn't anything wrong with you for not liking it because it is your own personal preference. With that said... you gotta let him go if you can't deal with it. Because as I said... You can't change a person! Unless he wants to stop watching porn for himself (which I doubt)... then he will never stop. He won't stop for you... and even if he did... he would end up resenting you for it because it was something that he enjoyed.
Author Thsbiansrck Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 Ok, let me clarify, I do not have a problem with porn itself, but the amount of time and attention that he devoted to it as well as the lies that were told because of it. There would be weeks, months that he would go without touching me, but god knows he wasn't going with out. And trust me, I am 21 years old, so I am no cold fish. I like to think I have a very healthy sex drive. Personally porn is not something that turns me on, it doesn't turn me off, I am pretty "eh" about it. But yes, I have left him because I realize that shoes don't strech and men don't change. I am back with my parents for a few months to get back on my feet and get my own place again. But yes, I knew how he was, and like I said, I naively hoped he would change, but I was wrong and made a mistake, and now I am going to fix it. Pelican- That was cute.. very very cute =) I would have waited till April, but with the way I had it planned and the timeliness of my tax return would not have allowed for that. But... he did email me the day I left................. "I suppose I should have seen this coming. I don't know why I just let it continue to happen. My dad always said he would never change. I can't let that be the case with me. I don't blame you and i'm not mad one bit at you. You have your reasons for leaving me and you have no obligation to come back. You obviously have no intentions of coming back, but you did tell me the next move is my own. I'm not going to say, oh i'm just going to let you go. It was my fault and I deserve to be left. I have to just admit that what i've been doing is very wrong. Maybe that's what's been wrong the entire time, it's just no ones ever told me. How could I have been so oblivious to you? How could I have done this to my own wife? The thought of looking at those pictures now disgusts me. There's obviously some kind of disconnect there, that I just don't see what's bothering you for so long. I want you back in my life, but I realize that I have a lot of work to do and I can understand not being able to stand me for a while. I will be seeking professional help, because you shouldn't have been responsible for my actions, or effected by them for that matter. I just wanted to let you know that i'm not mad, but i'm not doing as my dad it and just let my wife go without a fight (and i don't mean fighting you, i mean fighting my own personal demons). I know "I'm sorry" isn't going to fix it, but I will do everything to earn my way back into your life."
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