She says "she doesn't want a relationship," but there's real affection sometimes

[youknowmyname]

[FONT=&quot](Sorry - I posted this somewhere else first if it looks familiar)

 

The question contained in this story is whether I should interpret the tender moments in her behavior as (not deviously on her part) simply enjoying my attention and not wanting to cut that off--given that people can show real affection yet not be interested in a relationship--or whether her tenderness, even though she withdraws from it later, is a positive sign. If there is no chance for a relationship, then I would definitely pull away from her (stop asking her out), and put my energies into someone else.

 

 

---Sorry if this is long--I hope I addressed the right facts.

 

(This takes place from late November '08 to today)

 

Her and I are both reasonably attractive, intelligent people with good career prospects--point being that we could find someone else if wanted to.

 

I'm in the same grad program with this girl, we're both almost 30. December of 2008 we wound up in a couple of situations where we were alone together at a bar; we talked a lot (hours) over drinks--very casual because I never really "asked her out." We would also see each other in a group of mutual friends as well.

 

Towards the end of December there was more subtle flirting, I invited her and her friend visiting from out of town to come out to a club with friends of mine--but this invitation, unlike the others, I think made clear that I really wanted to see her. She came, we had one of those "club moments" where the two of you are standing a little too close together to be completely platonic, and we continued to build upon that connection. I asked her to coffee, she came--again, good conversation, mutual values, rapport, humor, and some shyness that comes with knowing this is more romantic than just a casual encounter with friends. Over a three-week X-mas break we texted each other once, emailed once.

 

The moment we got back from X-mas break in early January, I asked her out a couple of times, about three dates in she invited me to stay over at her place. It was really.... a romantic type of encounter (not a friends with benefits type of situation) EVEN though she said that this is just what it is, a hook up--I said "great." We woke up, went to the beach, and our conversation began to take on that future-oriented tone. And we hooked up again a few days later; again, tender and affectionate, and again, we made clear that there were no expectations.

 

I interpreted it as the beginnings of something; clearly much to soon for an actual, exclusive relationship by any measure. But near the end of January she asked me out to coffee--which at the time I thought was a step forward since I would usually initiate every meeting--and she made clear we were just "seeing each other," which was explained as us not being exclusive. I told her I clearly liked her, but that was fine. --- Her explicit reasons were that she 1) Is a bad girlfriend, and 2) doesn't like the feeling of expectations and pressure.

 

Our communication began to trail off... we hardly spoke during the week, never texted, never emailed. I asked her out once and she said "no," which is perfectly legit, but I took it as a sign to simply move on. She, however, began to fear that I was losing interest and agreed to a date. We had one of those fabulous times where you really get to know somebody without the flirtations and subtext of a "1st date." She later said she had a really great time on that date.

 

A week later on Valentines Day we were with the same crowd, and wound up alone and I stayed at her place again. I stayed there for nearly 48 hours straight! And for all the talk of no exclusivity--which I interpreted as meaning that either she wasn't that into me or had made a mistake letting it get as far as it had, etc.--we became even more affectionate, tender, thoughtful towards each other. I'd been in relationships before and our behavior was simply very much like "relationship" behavior, and not just on my part. More like that "1st glow of love" behavior, although we aren't there yet. But she couldn't resist commenting when I finally left that the only reason she let me stay over was because it was raining (which I don't believe or else why did she keep me there for another day and night and day? But she probably needed to make that comment.)

 

After that V-day encounter, we kept up flirtly communincation for a week, and then it trailed off again. The best way for me to describe this trailing off is when you just feel like you're not getting any... validation. We see each other every 3 - 4 days, events, school. But spend little time alone together.

 

This last week she really showed signs of missing me, with the finale being that she asked me to come along with her and her friends somewhere (in her typical style she didn't "ask" so much as allude to it... but I understood and came--we had fun). Next day I drove her to an interview and she mentioned later that night that it was a "big deal" for her to let me take her--a big deal to let someone do something for her. And finally (to get to today) she agreed--although very hesitantly--to go "together" to a party (meaning nothing other than that we carpooled). And at this party I later heard that someone asked her if we were together and she pretty much told this person (who I don't know) that she didn't want a relationship right now--which is what she said at the beginning, in January.

 

... My friends say she's taking my attentions for granted, knows she can have me and so doesn't commit to anything, etc.

 

... She can go from hot/cold -- she's affectionate those times we've been alone together, but on the cold side she's not distant so much as simply not as affectionate as she was before, which I can't help but feel confused by, since I really feel like she likes me.[/FONT]

[mikesierra]

I wish I could tell you. but it's a woman, so I don't know.

[Sam Spade]

Well, basically you're putting yourselves in the shoes of all the women in the 'He's just not that into you movie' - latching onto all sorts of "sighs" while in reality shes not into ye(hand in your man card please; just kidding).

Maybe you two could have something in the future, but right now it does not seem like there's anything really going on. These moments of affection are hardly anything that could be interpreted as a real connection. Whatever her motivations are, she just does not seem to like you enough (which if she did, all the "I don't want relationship now" crap would fly outa the window.

Also, women in graduate programs are trouble. Just sayin'.

[youknowmyname]

Yeah, for the most part, I think you're right: so I should probably surrender my man-card to the nearest authorities.

 

What's funny is that after she goes cold, and I naturally pull back from seeking her out, in about a week's time she'll start coming back to me.

 

So word to the wise, playing hard to get works (if she already likes you)--BUT, that still doesn't mean things are leading anywhere; because for all you know she just wants to maintain your attention, as opposed to what you might be hoping for, which is that in missing you she realizes that she wants to be with you... Which could be a bit of a leap.

 

Thanks for your replies.

[boxing123]

I would move on..

 

You are right.. Playing hard to get does work, but you are still with someone who does not want a relationship with you.

 

To me, it is very abnormal to be with someone for 48 hours straight, and then go a while with little contact. Just does not seem right.

 

There are plenty of normal women who want a relationship after sex/sleeping together/spending weekends together etc. If not they are most likely damaged goods, and need to be left alone. They really have a way of messing with your mind, as they act in love, then push you away..Hot and cold..push and pull. Just let her be. She is probably sleeping with a few other guys too.