thelovebug Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 I have been in a relationship with a man for 2 and a half years. We were friends for some of that and there is no doubt that I love him and he loves me. I have been divorced for 7 months now and was separarted for an entire year; so basically alone for 19 months ... while raising three children and dealing with a very unhealthy ex husband and relationship. The man in my life is soon to be divorced ... any day now. However, the process has gone fast and he feels his kids need time to get used to me. He wants to marry me the first possible day he can; and wants it to be secret until our kids have a chance to get used to the idea of each of us, etc. I am confused. I don't doubt his love for me and his commitment is there; but part of me feels rejected ... he will have to sign a new 7 month lease at his condo soon and so he basically is stating that for the next 8 months, we will be married but no one will know; he will be spending time with his kids and slowly getting to know mine. On one side, I feel excited to think we could finally be married and enjoy the wonderful relationship ... but then there is a lot of separation and the downside is I wonder if I will feel more rejection when we are "actually married' but I am still not seeing him all the time and don't have any solid dates as to when we will live together. I don't doubt that he really wants to be with me and live in the same house; but he wants to give his children ample time to transition ... so why do I feel sad and disappointed?
norajane Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Why is it necessary for him to marry you "the first possible day"? Why not do all the getting to know each other stuff with the children AND give him time to be alone and sorted out after his divorce, and then get married? Is he so insecure or controlling that he must do this in secret right away just to make sure you don't change your mind? No, no, no. If your marriage is a secret, there's something very wrong. Best not to marry a guy who thinks that's a good idea. At the very least, you need to get to know him MUCH MUCH better and find out if he really has a screw loose, or if he's just not thinking clearly due to his divorce. You're disappointed because him wanting a secret marriage is a huge red flag that there's something wrong with this man and this fairy tale romance. He's asking you to lie to your own children, as well as to everyone else, about a marriage!! There's something very wrong with a guy like that. I guess he thinks there's nothing wrong with lying since he's been lying about having an affair with you, but a secret marriage? That's just plain messed up. I'm sorry.
quankanne Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 I can see how he'd want to proceed cautiously, but if he's planning to make you a permanent part of his life, he needs to get his kids in on the act ASAP so that they can adjust. he's probably thinking he doesn't want to throw too many things at them at once, but hiding a pending marriage from them isn't fair to any of the parties, most especially the kids, because they don't have the maturity to handle news like that when it's thrust upon them. And it just puts you in a bad spot with them. as NJ says, if he's proposing to keep a marriage secret, maybe the smart thing to do is to use this time apart to contemplate whether you truly want to spend the rest of your life with someone who finds lying about important things (esp. about you) an acceptable way to live.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 I wouldn't marry him until he is ready to incorporate you openly into his life. If the love is there, the paperwork can wait.
Geishawhelk Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 never marry anyone who wants to keep a public declaration of commitment - a secret. WTF is all that about? And what exactly IS the hurry? No. Stand your ground, and put your own viewpoint forward. Springing something like: "Suprise!! Kids - meet your new mom! We've been married x months, but we thought we'd hide it from you!" - is definitely not the way to go. A transition into a new family, with new half-brothers and sisters, is a huge adjustment to make, for everyone. You have to make sure that not only do all your kids have healthy opinions about this, but that they can get along, and that you to can handle each other's growing pains..... both the kids', and your own. Do NOT, on any account, go ahead with this closet marriage.
carhill Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Was the extramarital affair (presuming from the published timeline) a secret? If yes, this is just a continuation. On LS, emotional affairs (intimate friendships between married persons and those they're not married to) are considered extramarital affairs. Is any of his time unaccounted for? I personally think you're proceeding in a healthy way with your life, but this man is hiding something more than your <impending> marriage.
Ronni_W Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 so why do I feel sad and disappointed? Because it IS sad and disappointing when the person who professes to love you and want to spend the rest of his/her life with you ALSO feels and expresses a need to keep you a secret so that you cannot fully participate in the rest of his/her life...in her/his "real" life??? Personally, I wouldn't get married under those circumstances. Is it just me, or does it kind of feel as if he wants to "take you off the market," so to speak, until HE is emotionally ready to make himself fully available to you and your kids? You don't say how much contact there currently is between the grown-ups and their future step-kids, and also between the future step-siblings -- has the 'getting to know each other' phase even started? (Or is he controlling that, too?) Regardless, though, that just sounds like a crock to me -- if this guy was really in love and ready to remarry, then he'd be bending over backwards to help his kids understand the situation, appreciate all that you do offer him and can offer them, and transition into accepting ALL the realities of their new life. That can be done in age-appropriate ways, so the kids' ages don't play as big a part as he may be wanting everyone else to believe.
LovieDove24 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Absolutely not. As everyone else here already said, do NOT marry this man if you are his "secret." People who are transitioning from an extramarital affair, to divorce to a NEW marriage need to proceed with extreme caution. Give yourselves some time for the sake of all of the children involved. Get to know each others children OUTSIDE of marriage...this is very very important! You do not want to bring a man into your childrens lives whom you do not know how they will all interact!!
Island Girl Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 never marry anyone who wants to keep a public declaration of commitment - a secret. WTF is all that about? And what exactly IS the hurry? No. Stand your ground, and put your own viewpoint forward. Springing something like: "Suprise!! Kids - meet your new mom! We've been married x months, but we thought we'd hide it from you!" - is definitely not the way to go. A transition into a new family, with new half-brothers and sisters, is a huge adjustment to make, for everyone. You have to make sure that not only do all your kids have healthy opinions about this, but that they can get along, and that you to can handle each other's growing pains..... both the kids', and your own. Do NOT, on any account, go ahead with this closet marriage. I wholeheartedly agree with the above. And I wouldn't find it "exciting" or "romantic" that he wants to get married but keep it a secret. I'd be disgusted by his inability to see how disrespectful this arrangement would be to me -- and that he wants to keep our relationship and our love a secret. As if I am something to be ashamed of, etc. I wouldn't consider marriage to anyone who didn't see me and my feelings as important. And if I am so important then he'd want to proceed the right way.
stbx2007 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 You haven't had enough time to know this man or the kids or the family. Don't rush into this. You've heard the saying, "marry in haste, repent at leisure." Its for situations like this. There is no hurry. Why is he in such a hurry? Get some pre-marital counseling.
2sure Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 Marriage is not only the union of two people - but also the joining together of two families. When you have children, this is especially important. By the two of you getting married - you are each becoming a huge part of the childrens lives. To marry and hide from each others families is a lie and an insult to all involved.
Lizzie60 Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I agree with the others.. why marry??? People don't learn from experience???
Tizzy Posted April 4, 2009 Posted April 4, 2009 Why are you contemplating marrying a man that's not even divorced yet and who hasn't met your kids and vice versa?? How old are all these children? I say give this whole thing some time and do not marry this guy. If he cares about you and your children (and his!) he'll go about doing things the right way, with plenty of time for everyone to get acquainted and whatnot. the downside is I wonder if I will feel more rejection when we are "actually married' but I am still not seeing him all the time and don't have any solid dates as to when we will live together. What do you mean by "more rejection"? What have you been feeling rejection from currently? How will a marriage in hiding make it any better? Personally, I'd run clear away from any man who wanted to marry me the day after his divorce was done and wanted me to keep it a secret for 8 months. That's just plain silly. You all are adults. Until this man gets his divorce and the two of you get all the unknowns straightened out, I say you need to put the brakes on this relationship.
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