rrt95 Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 I am a 40 year old man, father of my 3 year old daughter, separated and will soon be divorced from my ex-wife of 9 years, who by admission, was too young for me without a lot in common, with a slight twist of trailer-park. I had a 9 year relationship before that one, without children. I have never cheated, and have never treated a woman with anything but respect and commitment. I am now in a beautiful, new love affair with a wonderful woman for almost 8 months. We get along great, have a lot in common, including the same health care profession, and have the most amazingly satisfying bedroom life that either of us have ever experienced. Marriage is most certainly a possibility. She is 35, and had been single for the past 8 years after a dysfunctional and demeaning 4 year relationship with a shallow-Hal kind of guy (would tell her that her size 8 body was disgusting; wouldn't let her take off her shirt, because her belly was too gross, and such nonsense). She is very intelligent, moral, and kind to my daughter. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on, and I devour her with my eyes and my words anytime I see her. She is now a size 14, and says about herself that she has 'fat cow syndrome'. When she is getting ready to leave my house on the mornings she's stayed over, she will get very vocal with frustrated outbursts that her hair is not cooperating, or her clothes are not right, etc. When we are talking about sexual topics, inevitably, she will get completely off topic and start asking me specific questions about what my ex and I used to do in the bedroom, and I mean she wants every minute detail. When I have told her the truth, she becomes cold and immediately distant and says things like "well, you must miss those days, eh", or "well, maybe you should've stayed with her then." When I then try to downplay things with my ex-wife in my awkward responses to these probing, feel-like-I-am-on-trial questions, she also gets mad and says that I'm lying, or shutting down lines of communication that we should be keeping open. "Well, if you can't be honest with me..." I have kept my cool so far, and tried to talk this through with her rationally. Her response has been that it is a perfectly normal female reaction to be sexually curious about such things. She says that females are naturally in competition with each other, and always feel the need to think that they are better than other woman. She says it's the reason why so many woman read People magazine, and other celeb magazines...to see how they compare to the looks and lives of famous people. The female insecurity thing is killing me. Feels like no matter how I respond to her questions of my admittedly boring past sex life, I'm damned any way. She says that all woman, especially ALL of her female friends, are the exact same way. It makes me feel a little like a rape victim having to recount an experience in a court room. I would like some feedback from you ladies...are these periodic, but becoming more frequent, inquisitions a normal female insecurity thing that I should just be patient with, hoping it'll just subside with time, or do I make a stand and tell her that my past brought me to her now, and that she has no right to inquire in this regard. Help! I need to know that this is an irrational obsession of hers!
Island Girl Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 You should proactively tell her that your ex is an ex for a reason. There is nothing you want from her or miss about her. You are over her and do NOT want her back. Also tell her that when she asks you these specific questions it is in no way beneficial for the two of you because it seems to upset her no matter what. So the topic of exes is off limits. Then if she brings it up you remind her that your thoughts are filled with her and how happy she makes you -- and that she is attempting to have you go back to a place you do not want to be, remember, think of, etc. And then say, "like right now I am thinking of your face - and how beautiful it is when <fill in the blank here> so please let me enjoy this and don't screw it up by making me try to think about her". See if that helps. As a rule - you should never discuss exes. Just remember that. Once you start answering those questions you are begging for insecurity problems and you are right - there is no "right" answer. No way that it is helpful and the information does no good in your relationship. It sounds like there has been enough said that there is a huge mess of insecurities that have already been triggered. Good luck with that.
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