girl problem in Iraq...

[mikesierra]

I will preface this by telling what I think are some pertinent details about myself. I joined the Army in 2004, did a tour in Germany, did a tour in Iraq, and got released from active duty. Coming back home was not easy. It was tough, especially starting over, but I got through it. I went to college and took a job firefighting with the forest service last year. Then I got reactivation orders. I never thought it would happen, but here I am. It was a bad time. I was finally comfortable with being "home" again, I was perfectly happy with my life. Needless to say, it screwed up my life somewhat. I didn't look for any relationships when I was back home. I rarely do that sort of thing, but I was the sort to hook up with girls now and then, for fun I guess. I didn't lead them on, I always made sure things were clear.

 

The particular girl in question was one of those. I knew who she was from high school, and every so often when I would come home on leave, I'd see her hanging around with friends. I never really talked to her much, because I wasn't really interested, she was kind of just there, and very quiet, but LOVES to have fun. I will refrain from revealing all the details about her yet. Anyway... so a couple days before I left back to the army, she came along with some friends to dinner, etc. The next morning I woke up and had her phone number in my inbox on myspace. We text messaged and she said she wanted to make out. So I complied, the very night/morning that I was leaving. We kissed for hours. I tried to get in her pants, but she was reluctant, and I am not forceful in that way, so I let it alone. Afterwards, of course, she said I should have tried harder because she really wanted it.

 

So that's the setting. I move around between 3 different bases over the next 3 months training for my deployment. We talked pretty much every night, but I think it may be noteworthy that while there was "that", she hung out with guys... going out and drinking. She always told me everything, so I knew. So... at first it was just playful, and I told her I didn't want a relationship, but then it became something more, and I told her I loved her, and she said the same, every day, for the next 2 months. I broke things off before I left to Kuwait because of some personal belief differences, but then worked it out, or so I thought. The day that I left, she sent me about 2 text messages an hour telling me how much she loved me, with all of her heart, and all that jazz. I plan everything, and I told what should happen in case of whatever. We agreed that we would pick things up when I get back, if the long distance doesn't work.

 

Things were okay for a month. I didn't talk to her everyday anymore, because I don't have a cell phone. And we didn't talk online much either because I didn't have internet yet. We still talked about everything and said our I love yous. One day I get online at the computer center and I have a message that said something about having a bad dream (she is divorced with a son, and it didn't go well) and not knowing what to do because she couldn't call me like before. I also notice a comment from a guy that says he is glad that he found her, and a picture with him that she uploaded. I didn't even question it.

 

A week after this bad dream and it's over (but I didn't really know it). She tells me she kissed someone, that she's been lonely, and she's sorry. I asked her if it was the guy in the picture and she said no that he was just a friend. Later, I found out that was a lie, and apparently she did it to "protect me". I told her to figure out what she wanted to do and get back to me. At this point, you may think that I am getting walked on, which may be true, but I also realize the difficult situation that we were in, having only one real night together and the rest based on long distance, so I tried to be understanding. She didn't get back to me. She withdrew, almost completely. She wouldn't answer my calls and she returned my text messages just to tell me when she was busy. We finally had an "exchange" and she said she wanted me in her life but just as friends "at the moment". I still didn't understand what that meant.

 

So I made a mistake. Yes, I got desperate, and yes, I let her know it. I had no choice. I couldn't handle the stress and uncertainty anymore. I am not home. I'm in Iraq, and it's not fun to feel out of control. I pushed her hard to tell me what the deal was and she finally said she doesn't care whether we get back together or not. I blew up and called her selfish and all the other stuff that goes along with it. Then I apologized a few days later and that was that. On Christmas she tells me she misses me. It was nice for a minute.

 

We continued to small talk now and then. I added her back then deleted her again on myspace. Childish, maybe, but I didn't need the temptation to spy. We had a couple more arguments. I told her a lot about how I felt, and tried to analyze everything to her. Another mistake, but it was my only outlet. After her saying that she missed me, and flirting a little bit, I was confused all over again, and I made her tell me that it's completely over and that she has no feelings for me. Then she said we couldn't talk anymore, but alas, we made up once more, after I was able to understand everything.

 

I tried to get her to explain why she doesn't talk to me for real anymore, why she acts like a stranger, and that turned into a huge argument with me calling names again and basically saying her b/f is some not very nice words. Then we stopped talking again. I had my sister apologize to her in person, and it worked out okay. She changed her phone number and moved, so I lost contact with her.

 

I'll pause here to explain something. I was never mad that there was someone else. I do care about her, and I wanted to just let things be. But what got me mad EVERY time was her lack of communication. She would ignore me, not tell me things she needed to tell me, and still will not talk to me like we actually know each other (I don't say anything about it now). She didn't even tell me when she had moved and changed her phone number, and we were supposed to be friends.

 

So out of the blue I get an email that says she misses me. We small talk a little and after considering that email, I tell her that I don't want to play games and that if we are going to be friends we just need to be friends. She got mad and finally told me that she moved and to just forget it. I told her I didn't want that and I want to be friends, but she didn't reply, so I called her at work, and thought I worked things out. When I wrote her back, she still did not reply, and I called her at work again, and she got mad, again. I told her I didn't have a choice, because I want things to be okay between us. Her excuse is that she doesn't have internet yet and her email doesn't work on her phone. I'm about 90% positive that that was a lie.

 

I messaged her on myspace just to small talk, to make sure things are okay between us, because that's all I wanted. Then I stopped, and we have talked a little since then, still like strangers of course. And that's what I wanted, peace of mind.

 

But I cannot stand when people lie to me, especially people that I care about. I think she has a new job, and when I asked her about some things going on at work, she didn't say anything about it. And there is the lie about the email. It's everything. She hides and deceives, and I don't know what to think, because she always seems to have an excuse, and I'm thousands of miles away. I care about her but I don't know what to do anymore. I don't understand why she wants to talk or tells me things like she misses me if she can't even tell me what is going on in her life. It just makes me feel like a second rate friend, and if I confront her, I'm going to get excuses. And the problem is that I am going home on leave in a few days

 

I want to see her, but I don't know what I should do. The easy thing to say is to just forget it, but I can't and I don't even know how much of everything she told me was true. The whole problem has become too much for that, especially being overseas. I cannot just forget it... if you can't tell. Right now, I'm thinking I am going to try to see her at work, and if she still works there, I think it will be okay. but if she doesn't, then I'm going to confront her. I need something, from her... I haven't seen her in almost 8 months, I need something. I guess I'll just end with my own opinion.

 

I don't think she left me for someone else. I think she left me because she wanted to leave, and it was convenient to have someone else for an excuse. I'm not even sure she's really with this guy. I'm not sure of anything. All I know is that she hangs out with people that are friends of his. A bunch of guys, no less... and maybe that's why she withdrew, because she really left me because she wanted me out of her life, and when she talks to me out of the blue and tells me she misses me, it's just to satisfy her own peace of mind without really thinking about how I'm going to take it, or just not caring.

 

Sorry for the vent. Life's a mess. Thanks to the army

[SoulSearch_CO]

Wow. I got depressed just reading that whole thing. I mean, I get your part in this whole thing - I don't see you as a victim. But sheesh - she's treating you like crap.

 

But first off - I'd like to thank you for your service. There are tons of Americans that it means a great deal to and I'm sorry you guys don't get to hear "thank you" more often. My heart goes out to you when you talk about readjusting after redeploying - I've seen a lot of the effects of PTSD and readjusting.

 

I am a former army wife. I have several army wife friends. So I've seen A LOT of that life and the separations and the hardship of it all. And I just want to say - some women are cut out to be with a soldier, and some just really aren't. It doesn't make them a bad person - it just is what it is. Some women need that constant contact in person - they can't deal with knowing their SO is in the sand and what kinds of horrors they may be facing. War is a scary thing. But it can either really draw two people together, or push them far apart.

 

SERIOUSLY - I don't think she's worth your time. You're going to keep getting jerked around. I think she likes YOU, she just doesn't like the separations. If you want to keep having your heart beat to a bloody pulp, then by all means - continue. But is that really what you want to be worrying about while you're overseas? Some flaky chick? I know that being alone is hard and sometimes the alternative (crappy treatment) is better than nothing. But if I could make the choice for you - I'd say run for the hills. She doesn't even sound like a very good friend - moving and changing her number and not telling you. Ugh. No point in confronting her - she'll be getting the attention from you but you will have gained nothing other than to hear more of her excuses and possibly get pulled into the back-and-forth again. It's better to just drop it dead and keep communication to a minimum.

 

Good luck, soldier. Keep up the good work over there.

[kashmir]

Hey man. I can't give you much advice, but I'd like to thank you for your service. My hat goes off to you.

 

And as far as this girl goes, she sounds flaky, manipulative, and an attention-craver. You deserve better. Really.

[mikesierra]

Wow. I got depressed just reading that whole thing. I mean, I get your part in this whole thing - I don't see you as a victim. But sheesh - she's treating you like crap.

 

But first off - I'd like to thank you for your service. There are tons of Americans that it means a great deal to and I'm sorry you guys don't get to hear "thank you" more often. My heart goes out to you when you talk about readjusting after redeploying - I've seen a lot of the effects of PTSD and readjusting.

 

I am a former army wife. I have several army wife friends. So I've seen A LOT of that life and the separations and the hardship of it all. And I just want to say - some women are cut out to be with a soldier, and some just really aren't. It doesn't make them a bad person - it just is what it is. Some women need that constant contact in person - they can't deal with knowing their SO is in the sand and what kinds of horrors they may be facing. War is a scary thing. But it can either really draw two people together, or push them far apart.

 

SERIOUSLY - I don't think she's worth your time. You're going to keep getting jerked around. I think she likes YOU, she just doesn't like the separations. If you want to keep having your heart beat to a bloody pulp, then by all means - continue. But is that really what you want to be worrying about while you're overseas? Some flaky chick? I know that being alone is hard and sometimes the alternative (crappy treatment) is better than nothing. But if I could make the choice for you - I'd say run for the hills. She doesn't even sound like a very good friend - moving and changing her number and not telling you. Ugh. No point in confronting her - she'll be getting the attention from you but you will have gained nothing other than to hear more of her excuses and possibly get pulled into the back-and-forth again. It's better to just drop it dead and keep communication to a minimum.

 

Good luck, soldier. Keep up the good work over there.

I think I get the gist. We have been emailing a little back and forth, but last night we were online at the same time and chatted for quite a while. It was very flirty and jovial. Of course she played the I'm-sending-the-message-that-I-want-you-but-I'm-pretending-I-don't game... which I cringe at, getting it from someone I know better than that. But whatever, I played along. I would have really liked to have a friendship like our relationship was. I know it sounds cliche, but we meshed very well and there aren't many people I get along with like that. We could talk about anything, and she was really the first girl I've had that sort of thing with. But I think I just need to accept the fact that she needs attention from guys, and it's not going to go back to the way it was. So if I want to be friends with her I guess I just need to act like it's all fun and games and forget talking about anything substantive.

[Jaytb]

Thank you for your service and good luck! I don't think she's worth the time and effort. You may care for her but I don't think she cares about you as much. That just won't work in a relationship.

[mikesierra]

I appreciate your frankness and honesty. I don't take it personally. If anything, I see it as a defense mechanism. She has some deep-rooted guy issues that I can't really publicize, but let's just say that it's problematic. I know she can be very sincere and affectionate, and I know that she did care, all up until she told me about this other guy. Then it's all jokes and laughter, and a couple I miss yous.

[goldencloud]

In all honestly she sounds rather flaky..I admit obviously its hard to judge when we're not in your shoes, but its pretty apparent your feelings grew(inspite of your earlier reluctance) and hers just seem all over the place...it seems to me that she does have feelings but has a tendency to take u for granted cause she knows you will be there

and that's what you need to show her, that you're not her back up plan guy...you only realise the worth of something once u don't have it anymore..and i think she needs to see that

hope this helps...

[mikesierra]

I see. Well I don't think she's really flaky. We talked every night and day for 3 months, and as often as we could another month more. She's been in long relationships. But there are problems, obviously. There's a sort of flakiness, I guess, but there must be a different word. Anyway, I'm not holding out for a relationship to work out. Things would have to go back to how they were, and I don't see that happening. I would have to trust her too, and if things didn't go back to normal, that would only make it harder to trust her on top of all the guys she keeps around as friends. Anyway... obviously she has feelings for me still. I don't know if she's still with the guy or not or whatever. So this is my dilemma...

 

I want to see her. Others may not understand that. But I've gone for eight months now and I've missed her a lot... so I would really like to see her, in the same way that anyone would want to see their friends and family after they've been away for a long time. I think it would be really nice to have that, especially since I'll only be home 12 days. However, I do believe that if I go to see her, it's going to turn into her game, and she'll be winning at it. She may withdraw or at least not open up again because she'll be satisfied with getting that attention from me and knowing that I care about her. BUT, if I don't talk to her, and she asks to see me, thenI don't have to deal with the game. At the same time, though, I risk not seeing her at all. So what should I do?

[goldencloud]

hey,

yeah to a degree you are right. we can't always categorise things into boxes..sometimes people act ways they do for various circumstances so its hard to define

personally maybe its best you just go with it then..and see how it goes, just make sure that your feelings and what you think isn't compromised...we all live our lives different ways, so maybe this is her way and doesn't necessary say anything about how she feels...take it as it comes, but be weary at the same time, and make sure you also look out for yourself and whats important to you...good luck and keep us posted:)

[Sam Spade]

I can't provide any constructive suggestions in this situation, unfortunately. But, at least I want to take a moment to give you respects and thumbs up for being a badass member of the greatest military force in the history of the world. You're doing a great job, and we're proud of you! However, I am sorry that in addition to the already high strain of being on duty, it is having such an impact on your personal life too .

[prague_100]

i feel strange giving advice when my relationship is so far from perfect, but it seems to me like you should contact her while you're home. ask her if she wants to meet up before you go looking for her at work... if you just show up she might freak out, plus you don't really know what her "situation" is...

 

if you see her and things go well, the worst that could happen after that is that she leads you on while you're overseas again...you might get your heart broken again, but maybe not. maybe she'll work her issues out...but keep in mind that i'm a hopeless romantic. still, i think that if you don't see her you'll probably always regret it.

 

btw, thanks for your advice on my problem!!!

[mikesierra]

i feel strange giving advice when my relationship is so far from perfect, but it seems to me like you should contact her while you're home. ask her if she wants to meet up before you go looking for her at work... if you just show up she might freak out, plus you don't really know what her "situation" is...

 

if you see her and things go well, the worst that could happen after that is that she leads you on while you're overseas again...you might get your heart broken again, but maybe not. maybe she'll work her issues out...but keep in mind that i'm a hopeless romantic. still, i think that if you don't see her you'll probably always regret it.

 

btw, thanks for your advice on my problem!!!

I don't know if I'll regret it forever, but I'll definitely regret it as long as I'm still overseas. I guess I'm just trying to make life a little easier, and being gone has been absolutely terrible on my morale. At this point I'm quite jealous, of the guy she is or was with, of the guys she hangs out with and enjoys company with... even with her son! And it's because I'm gone, deployed, and I don't find it fair. But life's not fair I guess. I wouldn't be jealous if she hadn't left me, because I don't expect her to change everything for me, but she did leave, and now I am jealous. And that's never really gonna go away unless things change drastically, which I doubt will happen. I just want to see her for myself, really, and hope I won't miss her as much when I have to leave again. But I'm at the mercy of her whims and wants, if I want to see her, I have to be submissive, and that is not healthy.

[D-Lish]

I can't help but wonder how things would have went had you not gone away. Would you guys have had a full blown relationship?

 

Is it possible you have held onto this so tightly because of your situation?

It's comforting to have something to hold onto- something that makes you look forward to coming back.

 

All that pushing- I want you, I don't want you, I don't know what I want.... That is such a BS game to play with someone.

 

I agree that it's important to get some closure out of this.

It's all the games that would drive me crazy.

[Isolde]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Any sort of long distance issue just magnifies the usual complexities of relationships--I should know because I'm currently dealing with something that while not like your situation at all, will most likely not develop due to distance.

 

Anyway. I think you deserve a lot better than this. You seem to have a pretty clear idea of what's going on. Your need for closure is understandable, but I think it's even more important to realize that she's not treating you with respect and not being considerate of your situation at all.

 

It sounds like you're pretty determined to put your heart on the line. None of us can tell you not to--and you don't seem to expect anything. While it's refreshing to hear such a sincere confession as yours, it all comes down to you being aware of your vulnerability and taking control of it.

 

I say ask her to hang out when you get back, and do your best to just think of her as an old friend, until you get a better idea of what's been going through her head while you've been away. As I said, I think you have a good handle on what's going on and won't jump into anything unwise.

[mikesierra]

i feel strange giving advice when my relationship is so far from perfect, but it seems to me like you should contact her while you're home. ask her if she wants to meet up before you go looking for her at work... if you just show up she might freak out, plus you don't really know what her "situation" is...

 

if you see her and things go well, the worst that could happen after that is that she leads you on while you're overseas again...you might get your heart broken again, but maybe not. maybe she'll work her issues out...but keep in mind that i'm a hopeless romantic. still, i think that if you don't see her you'll probably always regret it.

 

btw, thanks for your advice on my problem!!!

oh yeah, the reason I was going to see her at work is because I have to fly in uniform, and I figured I'll just stay in uniform that day until I got home, then go to see her, and maybe that will help her realize that I'm not on vacation. At the same time, she wouldn't be expecting me and it would be sort of a surprise. Then she would have the next 12 days to think about whether she wants to see me, and I wouldn't have to confront her about it. I don't mind confrontation, but she hates it.

[mikesierra]

I can't help but wonder how things would have went had you not gone away. Would you guys have had a full blown relationship?

 

Is it possible you have held onto this so tightly because of your situation?

It's comforting to have something to hold onto- something that makes you look forward to coming back.

 

All that pushing- I want you, I don't want you, I don't know what I want.... That is such a BS game to play with someone.

 

I agree that it's important to get some closure out of this.

It's all the games that would drive me crazy.

I do believe it would have. I have wondered about what you ask and the honest answer is that I don't know. Talking to her was like escaping for me, and I got used to having it there all the time. But it's hard to answer your question right now because she seems so different to me now than she was before. I did love her, and I know that if I would have came home after about 3 months, it would have been a very serious relationship.

[mikesierra]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Any sort of long distance issue just magnifies the usual complexities of relationships--I should know because I'm currently dealing with something that while not like your situation at all, will most likely not develop due to distance.

 

Anyway. I think you deserve a lot better than this. You seem to have a pretty clear idea of what's going on. Your need for closure is understandable, but I think it's even more important to realize that she's not treating you with respect and not being considerate of your situation at all.

 

It sounds like you're pretty determined to put your heart on the line. None of us can tell you not to--and you don't seem to expect anything. While it's refreshing to hear such a sincere confession as yours, it all comes down to you being aware of your vulnerability and taking control of it.

 

I say ask her to hang out when you get back, and do your best to just think of her as an old friend, until you get a better idea of what's been going through her head while you've been away. As I said, I think you have a good handle on what's going on and won't jump into anything unwise.

Thanks everyone for the thanks and advice. I really appreciate it. Thanks Isolde. That sounds like a good idea. In the meantime, I took someone's advice to try plentyoffish.com (craigslist didn't work out so well and it took me a while to figure out was a passable T/S was...). Anyway, I was skeptical, I've never tried the online dating thing before and, admittedly, it was sort of awkward at first, but things seem to be rolling. I am looking forward to 2, possibly 3, dates when I get back so that should be fun. I just hope the fourth girl doesn't reply because I think that's a little much for 12 days. But that's pretty good odds for only sending 5 messages, so it seems to work.

 

I had a conversation with a female friend about the situation, which started because she recently broke up. And I told her about how the unnamed looks at my myspace and is playing these games with me, so she went ahead and left suspicious comments to make her jealous, which I thought was hilarious, although I didn't ask her to!