shadowplay Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 Maybe I'm just not that love-able? On a basic level I fear that's what it comes down to. People say it's about compatibility and just finding the right person for you, but is it always that or sometimes just that you suck as a person? There are people who have no trouble attracting and retaining mates, so it's not all about compatibility since everybody seems to find them compatible. I really believe if I weren't so flawed...if I were more outgoing, more confident, more organized, more beautiful that my ex wouldn't have left me. I just feel kind of worthless all of a sudden looking back on the whole thing. He would cite small things about me, and I kept changing them but it made no difference. He was annoyed that I was too dependent and didn't have a license so I learned how to drive for him. That made no difference. Then he started complaining about smaller things. I lost my house keys and was slow to replace them since people in my house rarely lock the door. He said it was an example of how immature I am, which was odd coming from him since he is incredibly disorganized himself. I got a replacement, but then he moved onto another grievance. I kept thinking to myself how can he complain about these petty things when he has a million flaws of his own and has never changed one behavior for me? It also made me realize that those petty grievances were just excuses for his larger dissatisfaction with me, but what was it if he couldn't point to anything specific? I fear that because he couldn't point to something specific it must have been something superficial that he wouldn't want to admit to, maybe even to himself. Like the fact that I'm shy around strangers or not attractive enough for him. Sometimes I would put on a facade of fake confidence and he would suddenly be all over me. It was disturbing to see what he really responded to. Emotional intimacy seemed to mean little to him. Are people really that superficial? Or just some, but not all? I feel so inadequate.
Touche Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 If you EVER feel like you have to twist yourself into a pretzel to please someone, forget it. They're completely wrong for you. It's not a matter of what's wrong with you or even what's wrong with HIM...it's simply a matter of incompatibility. I really believe that. One day you're going to meet someone who thinks you're really great the way you are...with all your faults, weaknesses and quirks. Hold out for that. It's so worth it. And for what it's worth, SP, I'm shy - really an introvert - forgetful, sometimes spacy, can be clumsy a tad stubborn, and a lot of other not so great things. But I'm also a lot of great things...just as I'm sure you are. And the right man will forgive your weaknesses and cherish all the good in you. Don't ever lose sight of that...please.
Ronni_W Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 It sounds like it was his mission in life to make you feel "inadequate" -- and you can bet your bottom dollar that he is going to undertake to do the same thing to his next unfortunate victim...and the one after that...and the one after that. People like that, it's that they feel totally inferior and flawed themselves, and the "strategy" that their tiny brains has come up with is to make everyone around them feel MORE inferior and flawed than they feel about themselves. The thing is, you WERE one of his unfortunate victims. Now, it is up to you if you want to retain that title or not. I know it's easier said than done. But it sounds as if, intellectually, you know that he was heavily into mind games -- there was ALWAYS going to be something else to demonstrate your "inadequacies, flaws and shortcomings", isn't it so? But the truth is that NOBODY is as inadequate and flawed as he made you out to be, and hoped you would see yourself to be. At least, nobody of even semi-normal intelligence. And, based on the fact that you write intelligently and articulately, and found enough brain cells to get to LS, log-in and actually manage to post something...I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that you are of at least semi-normal intelligence It sounds like it was his mission in life to make you feel "inadequate" -- that doesn't mean that you have to let him be successful at it! What I'd do is lock myself in a car and yell as loud as I can, "Your mission failed, you stupid, dysfunctional moron of a jerk!!!" And laugh and laugh until you know that he really did fail in his verkakte soul-sucking mission. Do NOT let him do this to you for any more moments than are absolutely, critically necessary! Big jerk!!! I'd come over there and kick his ass myself, to be honest.
Trialbyfire Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 Not everyone is capable of emotional intimacy and there's nothing anyone can do to change that, except the person themselves. Even then, whatever created the aversion to such, will always be within them, so it will be a lifetime battle for someone like this to attempt change. IF you need emotional intimacy in a relationship, that's the kind of man to target, someone who also needs this kind of deeper connection.
Author shadowplay Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 And for what it's worth, SP, I'm shy - really an introvert - forgetful, sometimes spacy, can be clumsy a tad stubborn, and a lot of other not so great things. But I'm also a lot of great things...just as I'm sure you are. And the right man will forgive your weaknesses and cherish all the good in you. Don't ever lose sight of that...please. Thank you. I suffer from those same flaws plus a bunch of others, but you're right that I have strengths as well. I guess what got me is that he never seemed to appreciate my good qualities. Even when I was at my best in a real way, enjoying the world around me and trying to share that with him or cheer him up... he still didn't respond. I couldn't just have a good time with him because he wouldn't budge from his bad mood. And he would always call me negative, but I felt that I was always the one trying to cheer him up. I realize I have flaws but the lack of acknowledgment I got for my strengths started to make me question whether they even existed. I know that's wrong. I shouldn't need external validation but after being around somebody for so long who never recognized them it started to chip away at my self esteem. Why did I stick around so long? I need to just keep reminding myself that his opinion doesn't matter. I hope it sinks in eventually, or I build my confidence to a place where it stays put.
Author shadowplay Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 One day you're going to meet someone who thinks you're really great the way you are...with all your faults, weaknesses and quirks. My first boyfriend loved me wholeheartedly (and apparently still does), but I didn't feel the same way about him. I fear this will always be true -- longing for the ones I don't/can't have. Btw, it wasn't that I was turned off by his enthusiasm for me. Speaking only for myself I felt we had some basic incompatibilities and I couldn't deal with his problems. To be honest the main problem was I felt little physical attraction to him. He wasn't bad looking, but he was overweight. I led him on because I was immature and grateful that somebody was so into me. He was my first kiss. But I can't imagine anything worse than settling for somebody simply because they're crazy about you. I know that's not at all what you're advocating. I'm just worried I'll end up doing that -- going back to him defeated after dating a bunch of other duds. I need to stop myself from doing that.
Touche Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 Thank you. I suffer from those same flaws plus a bunch of others, but you're right that I have strengths as well. You're welcome. Of course you do. We ALL do. And if any man makes you feel like you have NONE..watch out! I guess what got me is that he never seemed to appreciate my good qualities. Even when I was at my best in a real way, enjoying the world around me and trying to share that with him or cheer him up... he still didn't respond. I couldn't just have a good time with him because he wouldn't budge from his bad mood. And he would always call me negative, but I felt that I was always the one trying to cheer him up. controlling bastard I realize I have flaws but the lack of acknowledgment I got for my strengths started to make me question whether they even existed. I know that's wrong. I shouldn't need external validation but after being around somebody for so long who never recognized them it started to chip away at my self esteem. Why did I stick around so long? Same reason I did with my ex..I thought without his validation I was nothing...It was like someone drugged me for a few years! I need to just keep reminding myself that his opinion doesn't matter. I hope it sinks in eventually, or I build my confidence to a place where it stays put. You need to do both, SP. I did. And if I did, anyone can. My first boyfriend loved me wholeheartedly (and apparently still does), but I didn't feel the same way about him. I fear this will always be true -- longing for the ones I don't/can't have. wow...I used to say the same thing..nope. It won't always be that way. It won't. Btw, it wasn't that I was turned off by his enthusiasm for me. Speaking only for myself I felt we had some basic incompatibilities and I couldn't deal with his problems. To be honest the main problem was I felt little physical attraction to him. He wasn't bad looking, but he was overweight. I led him on because I was immature and grateful that somebody was so into me. He was my first kiss. But I can't imagine anything worse than settling for somebody simply because they're crazy about you. I know that's not at all what you're advocating. I'm just worried I'll end up doing that -- going back to him defeated after dating a bunch of other duds. I need to stop myself from doing that. Please don't do that. It's the wrong way to go. I've done that too... You end up in a bad place if you do that. Hold out. You're young, SP. Date. You'll really know when the right guy comes along. Aren't you in your 20's?
Author shadowplay Posted March 8, 2009 Author Posted March 8, 2009 Not everyone is capable of emotional intimacy and there's nothing anyone can do to change that, except the person themselves. Even then, whatever created the aversion to such, will always be within them, so it will be a lifetime battle for someone like this to attempt change. IF you need emotional intimacy in a relationship, that's the kind of man to target, someone who also needs this kind of deeper connection. But part of me keeps wondering if I were a different person, if he would have been able to access his emotions more. I noticed when I acted more indifferent or distracted around him, he was suddenly all emotional. But then those emotions would just disappear at other times. It made no sense. The girls he idealized tended to be kind of cold, distracted types. It kills me to think of some other girl who doesn't even care for him as much being the object of all his affection that he withheld from me. There were other problems as you know, but basically once I started revealing some vulnerability to him he shut down.
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