How do I tell him?

[Els]

That I miss the way it used to be, when we first started out? Hitting the end of honeymoon phase here, and most of the subtle electrically-charged flirting and teasing, demonstrations of affection etc is gone. The worst part is that over a distance, it's even harder to do such things, but we sure managed at the beginning! He still treats me well, we talk every day and I enjoy our conversations, but... it's more of a daily routine now, sort of like taking a warm bath after coming home from work -- nice, but nothing special about it.

 

How do I let him know this, without making him feel obligated to do it just to make me feel better?

[Alex_M]

What's wrong with him doing it to make you feel better?

-If he doesn't know, nothings going to change... Unless you think it's over.

 

Apprectiate what you have and try and get it to work before getting bored and giving up. He deserves that right?

[Els]

Hmmm that's a bit hard to explain. Would you really enjoy affection/flirting/teasing if you knew that the other party didn't really feel like it but was only doing it because he/she wanted you to be happy? It's not really like talking... if he doesn't really feel like talking/spending time together but does it anyway because he knows I really need someone to talk to for some reason -- now that I would appreciate very much. But where affection is concerned, wouldn't it just feel fake?

 

Your last line has a very good point to it though.

[Nicodaemos]

isnt that the question anyone in anything long duration has? Regardless of its a relationship, job, vacation. There is always the risk of the glow fading. I dont know how to keep it, so if you can find out, let me know. Good luck with that.

[Els]

The thing is, with jobs and vacations, it's purely a matter of perception. The job is always the same, but we perceive it to be more routine. However, in the case of relationships, I don't deny that perception plays a part, but I can objectively say that I'm sure the people involved objectively do start 'slacking' as well. I can very objectively say that there is a difference in HIM.

 

But then again, I suppose there is a difference in me as well. I was never 'needy', just hearing his voice or seeing him was enough, I never expected anything from him, simply because it was, well, new.

 

And regarding the perception vs real change in people thingy... that's also the reason I'm posting! Because maybe this is normal, everyone slacks off after some time and I should grow up and learn to live with it instead of putting pressure on him?

[Island Girl]

The thing is, with jobs and vacations, it's purely a matter of perception. The job is always the same, but we perceive it to be more routine. However, in the case of relationships, I don't deny that perception plays a part, but I can objectively say that I'm sure the people involved objectively do start 'slacking' as well. I can very objectively say that there is a difference in HIM.

 

But then again, I suppose there is a difference in me as well. I was never 'needy', just hearing his voice or seeing him was enough, I never expected anything from him, simply because it was, well, new.

 

And regarding the perception vs real change in people thingy... that's also the reason I'm posting! Because maybe this is normal, everyone slacks off after some time and I should grow up and learn to live with it instead of putting pressure on him?

 

All of the above is true.

 

It happens in ALL relationships.

 

Case in point:

 

A friend of mine was complaining to me that her husband was no longer putting in an effort to do all of the little things he used to and she was feeling neglected.

 

I asked her what she used to do in the beginning - if there were little things she used to do for him that she no longer does.

And she said she used to pack his lunch in the morning while he was showering for work and put little notes in there for him.

He goes to work at 5am.

Now she sleeps in and doesn't get up when he does. He packs his own lunch.

 

So there you go. We both settle in and stop doing little things.

 

In a way that is comforting, isn't it? That we feel settled in and that we do indeed love each other without the need to constantly try to demonstrate it - that we know the other person is secure in how we feel about them as well.

 

But when we miss the little things there's a good chance we aren't doing the little things either.

 

This has happened several times during the course of my LDR. I suppose it has made it that much harder for us that we have had time periods of three years with no face to face contact.

 

We have overcome this by doing "memory walks" where we have relived wonderful moments in our past. The feelings experienced then come flooding back. And I have made an effort to do things I used to. The result has been that he starts doing some of those little things as well - which then warms my heart and I want to do more which he responds to and does more, etc.

It is like a big chain reaction.

 

A couple of other times we just talked it all out. I broached the subject and put out my feelings of insecurity that "it" was going away - the spark - or whatever. That I still loved him and I was worried that it was changing on his side. And the resulting conversations were wonderful and touching. We felt closer after each of those.

[Els]

So, it's a compromise between getting used to not having so much of 'it', and trying to do 'it' myself to get 'it' going on as well? (Wow, that actually sounded wrong! )

 

Hope you don't mind me asking, IslandGirl, but what sort of small things can you do for him over a distance?

[Island Girl]

Well, for instance, when we first went LD I used to send little cards or reminders of our life here together.

 

I put in more of an effort to call in the mornings sometimes just for a quick "Have a wonderful day My Love, and I love you".

 

My husband is a romantic. He is sensitive but that can easily be lost in our day to day conversations.

If I remember to touch his heart, he is all the better and I reap the rewards.

 

Just like if I laugh it will instantly change his mood because he loves to see or hear me happy.

 

There have been plenty of times where we get into a pattern of day to day conversation about what is going on there and here - the stress, the angst of the situation, the difficulty of LD, etc.

It is at these times that we have needed a "kick start" to remember WHY we are doing all of this.

That is where the recollection of loving moments, etc. comes in.

 

Sending the little notes or physical reminders helps tremendously.

However, in our case, it takes a while for those to get into effect. It takes two to three weeks for a letter or package to reach him.

And a package is approximately $85.00 to send at minimum weight. These days that is too expensive.

 

But now there is less need for that kind of thing as well because the insecurities have been pretty much squashed in our relationship. We both know what we are doing and have been through so many of the learning lessons of how to cope and help each other with the distance.

We just don't have the issues we used to anymore.

 

Like the not calling when supposed to - or taking each other for granted - or taking the time to really listen and empathize with the other - those things no longer happen.

 

It sounds absolutely insane but we just know each other so well.

 

I'll give you an example.

 

His cousin and his wife moved there just over a year ago. The wife and I grew very close over the last 8 years while she lived here.

She has severe medical issues.

There was a time just recently when she was having major problems and suddenly I was unable to reach her for several days.

I called my husband and due to expense of calling I just asked him if he knew what was happening, if she was in the hospital, and told him to find out and I'd be calling back in an hour to find out the info.

 

He immediately had an attitude. In fact he was being a complete ASS during the course of the phone call.

 

And I knew that he was having an attitude because he was feeling neglected because I didn't say "hi honey, how are you?, I love you" yada yada on the phone.

I was direct about the concern for my friend and the need for an answer.

So even though he and I had a terrible conversation and he was being a jerk, I knew exactly why.

The next phone call I made sure to tell him I love him, etc. and he told me what he had found out.

 

Days later he broached the subject and told me he was sorry for being such a jerk but he was hurt because I didn't talk to him about him or us first. And that his feelings were hurt and he was sorry about the bad conversation.

 

But see? I already knew that after I got off the phone. I knew that is why he was being such an obstinate jerk.

 

There was a time when I would have taken that personally and thought that he didn't care about me or there was a problem in our relationship - that it could be slipping away.

Not so anymore.

Our relationship is not in jeopardy just because we have a bad conversation or misunderstand each other.

 

But because of that comfort level we do have to put in extra effort to keep the emotional support level high now.

 

Kind of what you are talking about.

 

So we talk about times here, our song and how it came to be our song, our wedding and honeymoon (since that is the last time we were together), you know, those little things.

 

You are in a position where you can continue to build on those memories and create new ones often.

We have to keep going back to seven years ago or three years ago when we last saw each other.

It's okay though. Both of us hold so tight to those they'll never slip away.

[SoulSearch_CO]

So many people start to worry when the excitement that they felt at the beginning starts to fade. Change can be scary. But when you've been in a relationship long enough that this starts to happen, it's just opening up the door for a deeper connection and a deeper love. It's that deeper love that makes long-term (or forever) possible. Maybe don't view it with fear, but embrace it. Or if you're worried about the missing "spice," what are YOU doing to keep it alive? If you go out of your way doing lots of things to preserve it and he STILL does nothing, then I'd talk to him about it. But if you expect something from your partner, you must be willing to lead by example.

[Bearandsue]

You know what I felt the same from time to time. It happens in all relationships. So what I started to do was, I started doing some of the things that i wanted him to do for me. I write poems and little notes. I call just to say I love you. That makes him feel special and in return he does the same. That is what works for me.