We've been distant, now gf wants to hang out and 'be ourselves'

[DudeMan27]

Like most, i'll try and keep this short. My gf and I have been together about a year. Things have been very good for the most part, minor bumps in the road like all couples, but we're still together. Very affectionate, very sexual. Well since about the last 6 months, I had some ED problems that killed my confidence and embarassed me. After a few months of it happening, we were very open about it with each other and finally I got over my embarassment because I did not want it to hurt the relationship. Still tho, I put off seeing a doctor thinking it was only mental. Finally it kept happening and I could see her getting more and more distant and got scared enough I saw a doctor. Even the doctor says it is mental but prescribed pills for me. However, since that time (about a month ago) she has been very distant. We still hang out alot, but things are different. She doesnt try to kiss me right away when I walk in like before, and only seldom will she reach to hold my hand or scratch my back or something. You know, the things couples do just to touch each other. We dont cuddle as much in bed. And naturally, its gotten to the point I spend all my time around her studying her actions and way overanalyzing everything.

 

A about a month or two has gone by like this, and really the only time we kiss is when I get up to leave for work in the morning when I stay with her. Finally things came to a head the other day and she asked how I felt about the relationship. I told her everything I just said here. She started crying and saying how she's so confused because she's been so close to ending it becuase she wants that passion, that desire, and right now shes just numb. But she doesnt want to make the wrong decision. She said she went from resentment, (because I waited so long to see a doctor) to just numbness and wanted to have that 'feeling' back. I left shortly after and she initiated a hug and kissing. We ended up making out and she just rolled her eyes and said "uhhh im so confused' She is a very trustworthy girl and says she is being honest with me about everything shes feeling.

 

I went home that night feeling like crap and get a text from her that says "i really wish you were here tonight' So im feeling pretty good about myself, I stay with her the next night and its pretty much the same. Distant, no actions except when I went to cuddle with her in the middle of the night she grabbed my hand and pulled it closer to her. And kissed me in the morning when I left.

 

The next day I called her and basically said I could do this anymore. I cant be around her and not hold her and kiss her, and second guess if I should even touch my gf of over a year. I told her as much as I want to be around her, I also dont because I cant take the overthinking and analyzing of every move she makes. She was crying and said she understood and shes confused, and that I have to know that it still doesnt mean she wont be distant when we do hangout.

 

A day went by and we didnt speak. She calls me last night and says "i was thinking, why dont we hang out and just be ourselves. And not worry about how things have been. I think that would be good" I agreed and then she said "and just lay low until then" Thats the part that really confused me, Im not sure how to take that. She said she doenst want me to not be myself.

 

I of course am overanalyzing this like crazy. I have trouble "getting out of my own head" I think "it has to be a good thing that she suggested this" but then next thought in my head is "She just wants a reason to get together so we can break up" And then the next thought is "well she wouldnt say "lets just be ourselves" if she wants to blindside me with a breakup, because that woudl just revert to crying and relationship talk, etc. I guess I just need some advice on how to handle this, what to think, and maybe advice on how to quit overanalyzing things? I cant seem to get away from that. Thanks to any who read and help. I see I did nothing to keep this short haha. BTW, We're 26. thanks.

[Ronni_W]

To me, if someone said, "let's be ourselves" it actually means that THEY have not been being themselves. I would read it as a sign that she wants to "bring herself" back into the relationship, not end things.

 

It's tough on the woman when her guy has ED issues. Should we try to initiate sex? What if we do and he can't get it up? Will that make him feel even MORE embarrassed and inadequate?

 

And even though we KNOW, intellectually, not to take it personally...well, our emotional body still does take it personally. So we get into worrying about our own physical attractiveness...or do we need some toys...or sexier lingerie? Maybe a third party? (It's crazy, what the mind can do!) What is wrong with us, that we're not making him hard anymore? [EDIT: Or whatever is the specific problem, of course.]

 

 

Does she understand that the reason you didn't see a doctor sooner was due to YOUR feelings of embarrassment, inadequacy, discomfort, etc?

That is, that is was not a reflection on how you felt about the relationship and her sexual attractiveness.

 

I think very often with sexual problems, each person kind of just nurtures their own fears and anxieties, and tends to lose sight that the other is most likely tending fears and anxieties of their own.

Our embarrassment allows (or forces) us to stop engaging in frank and honest discussions about what's going on for us on a deeper level.

 

Where you may want to start is with the thing that is puzzling you the most, right now: what exactly did she mean by "and just lay low until then"?

Ask her. You could also ask if she feels that couples' counseling may be in order, and possibly with someone who specializes in sexual problems.

 

Good luck. Sex and sexual function/dysfunction is such a tricky and touchy subject. It ought not be, but it is. Lots and lots of empathy, understanding, forgiveness and patience are part of the bigger solution. And a really strong commitment to open and honest communications.