Gibgobgib Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 I need advice.........I really do. I have been married for 5 years now and I have meet another person, that to be honest...I am falling in love with. Now I know many of you will say its just the excitement....its not. It is on another level. I have a child that is 2 years old....my wife has a child from another relationship (he does not see the father and he is 5). I am phsically attracted to my wife, but not emotionally....I know that might sound silly, but it is true. (mostly I thought it was the other way round) We bought a house about 8 months ago and I have thrown all my money into it. I knew it is what she dreamed of, but now if I leave we will both have to sell it. Let me tell you my feelings.....it is not that I am in love with this other person.....it is the fact that my wife is so different from me....she is angry...broing to an extent, while I am the opposite. I like to go out and meet new people...have fun...laugh at myself. The person I meet is pretty much like me and while I understand that we may not be together forever (other women), I do know that my wife and me do not connect in a way I would like. She has admitted that she cannot change....have I spoken to her more....no.....does she think I am seeing another person....YES! I almost come out with it today that we should divorce, but I got scared. Why am I scared you ask? because I am worried about where she will stay and the boys. I am also worried if we can live as our balance is maxed in so many areas, unless I sold the house. What more information do you need? I have the feeling that it is not the other women, but me and the fact that I want to lead a single life with visits with my son.
Ronni_W Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 I have the feeling that it is not the other women, but me and the fact that I want to lead a single life with visits with my son. Good for you, for recognizing that! You got married. You are not single. You have the responsibility to your children to first try to resolve your own issues...and then make a decision about whether or not you want a divorce. My suggestion would be to STOP seeing that other woman immediately -- she is, according to your own feelings, just a distraction. Much better to face your deeper fears, anxieties and desires. There is, of course, also the part where you do not seem to have awareness or concern for how your actions are impacting the lives of those around you -- your children, your wife, and any woman you will use to distract yourself from facing 'you'. So...sort of an urgent need to develop some empathy and compassion for others. I would urge you to undertake individual therapy so that you can make well-informed, wise choices about what you're going to do with, in and for the rest of your life.
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 I like to go out and meet new people When one gets married, there are certain things that most give up and the big one is, not letting yourself FALL for someone else. You've allowed this to happen, not because of your wife or what she's done or hasn't done but because you aren't acting like a married man. Most married folks I know don't put themselves in situations where they entertain romantic thoughts about others, let alone allow it to turn into an affair. Anyway, no point in beating you up over this but you need to decide WHO you want. The OW? Divorce your wife and allow her to find love and happiness with a man who won't cheat and betray her. You two can work out child custody. Just don't continue to cheat and betray her, what you're doing is really cruel and selfish.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 I would suggest divorce in this case, and whatever you do - do NOT mention an OW. That will simply make things a lot nastier than they need to be. Instead of a divorce and a settlement you'll find yourself with a divorce, a settlement, and vindictive rage and a lust for revenge that will rape you to the core.
toddro Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 I think you are little confused, you start out the thread with this long diatribe about another woman, and then close with its not about her... You need to come clean with your wife about your feelings either way. If she is mature she will understand with a little time, if she has self esteem issues...be ready for a backlash. Either way, DO NOT mention another woman...this will only send your wife in to instant defense mode and this will get ugly fast. Also, I would suggest breaking off contact with the OW untill this is settled...if there is something of substance with that, then she will be there while you get things settles. Either way, be careful...as they say...Hell hath no fury.
Awesome84 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I think if you REALLY are in love with this other woman... then you should divorce your wife first before starting anything with her. But before you divorce.... make DAMN SURE that it's love because sometimes people think the grass is greener on the other side when it's not! There is nothing wrong with falling in love with someone else because my dad used to always tell me... 'You can't help who you love' but my mom used to say... 'You can help how you react to it.' With that being said.... make sure you do things the right and honest way. Meaning, don't start anything with this other woman while you are still married. If at all possible... search your heart to see if you still love your wife... if not... then divorce may be the best option (not because of the other woman but just because you are no longer in love with your wife). Life has many twists and turns... I never like to see people stuck in a bad marriage or relationship... life is just too short!!
Dad_of_3 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I'll put it simply for you, maybe even a little too blunt but ... You my sir, are a cheater. Its not a prize or a reward or a title worth holding up. This is all coming from a former cheater as well. I make no bones about it. Yes I cheated and I regret any part I took in it. Don't get me wrong here I dont ever get those fuzzy feelings of if I did something better with my wife I would still be with her. That decision was made a long time ago before I cheated I just never came to realisations or seeked help before it happened. Yep at one time I was total and utter scum, cause I sure wouldnt want the same thing to happen to me. The sick and total utter loss of your world. No control of your surroundings. Its not nice. Its never nice for it to happen to anyone. I wouldn't wish cheating or a divorce on my worst enemies. Its a heart-wrenching and dissmal time for all involved. But the deed is done now. So where to from here. I do think you need time away from all this to have a long and good hard look at who you are and what you want out of all this. I do think you need to come clean with her. Its not something you need to keep buried inside yourself. Can you even live with that? We all make mistakes, but we need to grow, learn and move on from them. Let me put it this way. You want to walk out if this, no matter which it goes with your head held up high.
Shehe Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 At the beginning of you post you indicate that you are "I am falling in love with" this person. Later on you mentioned that "it is not that I am in love with this other person". So can you clarify you feeling for this woman? I do not really understand why you married your wife if you feel that you two do not have anything in common. Also it seems that you feel trapped in a place where you do not want to be. You feel tied up to you wife financially and because of your children. You need to grow up and clarify what you want. It is not fair to you nor your family. Perhaps you could follow some of the advice on this article "Restoring the Love in your Marriage" before you make any further decisions. Good luck !!!!
newscs Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 Be careful with what you are feeling. I felt the same way for someone who was giving me attention during my marriage issues (see my posting above). The laughing, flirting, etc. made me feel alive again. But as soon as I followed through on the sex end of it it all fell apart. If you love her is this how you want to start a relationship? By cheating? dont you think this could cause trust issues later? Stats show that relationships that are as a result of an affair seldom last. Food for thought.
newscs Posted March 19, 2009 Posted March 19, 2009 As shehe mentioned you said "I am falling in love with" this person. Later on you mentioned that "it is not that I am in love with this other person". Its the FEELING you are in love with not her. That is what happend to me. That FEELING will draw you in. So, be careful. Dont make the same mistake I did.
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