now_what Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 After 30 years of marriage, my husband sent me an email at work stating that he had moved out of the house. I went home and sure enough - all of his things were gone. He left me an envelope containing his wedding ring, house key, debit card and cell phone - it was like he was checking out of a hotel or something. Turns out he left me to move in with a woman (a biker chick) he had known for two months. He did not have the nerve to actually see me or speak to me for 4 1/2 months - he would only email. We are getting a dissolution, the hearing is in three weeks. He wanted to make this legal as soon as possible - he did not want to work on the marriage because he was happy with the "new path" he had chosen for himself. I could go into more detail, but honestly I don't have the energy to rehash the whole sad story anymore. I just want to get this over and move on with my life. After 30 years of marriage and being with this man since I was 16 years old, after three children and two grandchildren, you would think that you would know someone pretty well. But this man is someone I don't even know anymore. I never in a million years would have thought this would/could happen to me. Why do people do this?
Ronni_W Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 Now, I'm sorry for your experience. He certainly chose the coward's way out and, regardless of anything else, you deserved better. Sending Strength and Guidance, Ronni
Citizen Erased Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 Holy...wow. Harsh. Did you even see this coming? It seems so clinical, so unemotional on his part.
anne1707 Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 Absolutely stunned! The way he left is possibly even worse than having the affair. As Ronni said - he is a coward. Be strong. Focus on yourself and what you want. You deserve better than this.
Author now_what Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 Holy...wow. Harsh. Did you even see this coming? It seems so clinical, so unemotional on his part. He had been acting different for almost two years - ever since he got a Harley. He was totally obsessed with "riding" and dressing like a biker. He would ride every night and both days on the weekend and he was either grouchy to me and the family or ignored us completely - especially me. When I asked him if anything was wrong - he always said no - or that the problem was just his and he would work through it. I suggested we go see a marriage counselor but he didn't want to. Things came to a head when he totally blew off our 30th anniversary last August - he said he forgot. Yeah right, he came home from work, changed into his biker clothes and disappeared - and now I'm thinking it was to see his girlfriend. I happened to be taking our daughter somewhere so it was like since I wasn't home he could make his escape - I had been gone all of 10 minutes and when I got home he was tearing off down the alley on the bike. We had a big blow up when he got back and I told him I didn't think there was a place for me in his life anymore. I asked him if he still loved me and he could not answer that question. I was just numb after that. So, about two weeks later he emailed and moved out, stating that his feelings for me had changed and we shared no common interests anymore - well duh, when his only interest is his bike. I did try to show interest in his new hobby, I had even encouraged him to get the bike to relieve stress from his job. He never wanted to include me in his "biker" activities, but of course his girlfriend "rides" with him, so his biker lifestyle is complete. He said he didn't hate me, but he was happy with his new life. I think what makes me the angriest is not what he did, but how he did it - the sneaking out on me and our 15 year old daughter and leaving me to tell her what happened. And then not having the guts to speak to me for over four months. If he had leveled with me and told me he was not happy, I may have told him to just go. I told him that I could not live with being ignored by him any longer and that he needed to figure out what he wanted it life because I certainly didn't think it was me.
sinkerswim Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 I am very truly sorry this happened to you... He DID take the cowards way out and this will weight HEAVILY On him the rest of his life. I hope you can find peace again. Take one day at a time.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 They guy sounds like he is going through a mid life crisis... He will wake up one day and realize that the grass is not always greener. The best part about it is that by that time, you will have moved on and no longer have any interest in being with him! Who would want to be with someone who loves his bike, and would think nothing of abandoning his wife of 30 years, and his 15 year old daughter? Tough times are ahead, but you owe it to yourself and your daughter to work through it; better times lay ahead for you, I am sure of it...
scoot Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 This is far more rotten than my current situation, I write to help myself and hug my kids more. Thank god I don't need to be a tough biker to prove my worth!!!
Author now_what Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 This is far more rotten than my current situation, I write to help myself and hug my kids more. Thank god I don't need to be a tough biker to prove my worth!!! Well he wasn't even the "biker type" really. Our son said his dad was being a "pretend biker", it just seemed kind of goofy really - almost like he just wanted people to pay attention to him. I always paid him plenty of attention until he started ignoring me and being rude and then that becomes hard to do. After our big blow up, I thought I would try to have a more positive attitude and try to stroke his ego a bit, if it would help - and he seemed to be responding - he sat down for dinner with me and our daughter on time every night the week he left and we had made plans to go to our favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner the Friday night he left while our daughter was at a football game. To me, that was quite a betrayal - sitting down to eat the meals I had prepared for him like nothing was wrong and then talking about how we would go out for dinner - when he knew all along that his girlfriend was coming to help him sneak out of the house while I was at work.
UCLAMike Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 something is wrong in his head. Mid-life crisis gone wrong? Give him a few months to 1 yr. He'll be back crying.
era Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 I'm so sorry this happened to you. He was a negative force in your life. Try to search for ways in which his actions are blessings in disguise. Hugs
Geishawhelk Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 (...) and this will weight HEAVILY On him the rest of his life. No, unfortunately, I doubt very much it will. A person who premeditates an act of this magnitude, has no conscience, and no scruples. He doesn't care. he obviously hasn't for a long time. And for him, out of sight is out of mind. He's a cold and callous b... individual. And the only way he'll get it, is when his GF dumps him and tells him he's too old, and should act his age, not his shoe-size. I hope you can find peace again. Take one day at a time. I echo this 100% though. Hard as it may be to believe it, I think he actually did you an enormous favour. Divorce him and go for support. Wipe the floor with him, and say good riddance to bad rubbish. And teach your daughter how not to sit back and take it on the chin. make her strong.
Author now_what Posted March 8, 2009 Author Posted March 8, 2009 He hasn't always been this way. He was always a bit self centered in some areas, but was always a hard working man who even worked two jobs at one point to provide extras for his family. He was always very proud of his children and their accomplishments, but did have some issues expressing himself and he always one to avoid confrontation. In his mind, he thought the sneaking out would make is easier. I guess when his parents split up it hurt him quite a bit to watch his dad move his things out of the house. He had not been acting like himself especially since the beginning of 2008. He works in the housing industry and in our area the market has been off for quite some time now. He is a person that invests quite a bit of his self-worth in his job and things were not going so well. At one time his company was prospering and the profits were shared with the employees in terms of large bonuses, elaborate parties, special events. He was so happy and confident, he even was selected as employee of the year once. Then the bottom fell out, the perks were all gone, the bonuses ended and he was lucky just to have his job - the company was downsized by 75 %. You could just see the changes in his personality - everyone noticed that he was not the same. He became depressed and surly, always walking with his head down. I tried to encourage him, to keep his spirits up, that's why I suggested the motorcycle, because he used to have one when we dated years ago and I knew he had wanted to get another one. Big mistake because he always seems to get carried away a bit when he starts a new hobby. Like when he took up the guitar, he wound up with about 10 different ones, plus printed out a few thousand pages of sheet music. This man was just not the same one I had been married to. It was like his mind was always a million miles away and I just could not reach him - but then again he was always gone which didn't help anything. I did not mean to get so lengthy, but all of this keeps rolling over and over in my head and I try to think of what I could have done differently, but everyone tells me I did all I could and this is not my fault - it's something going on inside him that he needs to work out himself. I do appreciate the comments and feedback.
blondesmiler Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Sorry to hear this has happened to you. He does sound like a coward and not worthy of you and your feelings anymore. I know this doesn't help much now. Keep writing and posting your thoughts and feelings on here, it will help you as you won't be interlising all those feelings and hurt. He probably is having a midlife crisis...I agree with some of the others, once your strong enough to, set the Divorce in motion. xxx
Ronni_W Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 I try to think of what I could have done differently, That's the tough part...when those types of thoughts just won't go away. In truth, you needed HIS open and honest input before you could even think about making any changes. After all, why would you even have wondered about doing things differently, if you didn't know of any problems with the way things were being done? Same as if you were the one feeling unhappy or unfulfilled (or whatever it was that he felt), the onus would have been on you to help him understand what you needed done differently. Not to say that you necessarily would have wanted to, or been able to, make whatever changes he felt necessary, just that HE did not give you the opportunity to even consider it, try it, reject it...anything, something. That is HIS failure. He didn't live up to HIS responsibilities in the partnership -- that doesn't mean that you ought to have been able to compensate by becoming psychic! All of which, I'm sure you know on an intellectual level. It's tough. Sending hugs and good wishes.
Author now_what Posted March 8, 2009 Author Posted March 8, 2009 Oh, the dissolution has already been set in motion and our hearing is in three weeks. He went to the attorney first and filed. We have worked out an agreement that pretty much has everything I want in it - I think he felt guilty. He always moves quickly with things and then regrets his actions later. It's kind of funny - but not funny - that he has been having quite a bit of bad luck lately, that everyone says is "karma". On my 50th birthday, a drunk driver hit and totaled, not one, but both of his cars which were parked on the street outside of his house (well gf's house really). Too bad the motorcycle was not there as well. Two weeks after that, he fell on the ice at work and cracked his head open requiring 12 stitches. And who did he call? ME. He called me twice, once from the ambulance to ask about insurance and then later to tell me that he was ok, except for the stitches. And then something strange happened, the tone of any communication from him changed a bit, he just sounded very flat or neutral. I think when we were talking he still felt something for me and then thought to himself, "oh, I need to back off here". Another funny, but not funny thing, is when we were at the attorney's office (our second face to face meeting since he had left), we signed our agreement and while the attorney fooled around with some paperwork we talked about things - work, kids, etc. If people did not know why we were there, no one would have known it was to end our marriage. Our first meeting was tough though, because it was the first time we had actually seen or spoke to each other since he had left - it had been about 4 1/2 months at that time. I don't think the attorney realized this. We had worked out an agreement by email and were there to sign the papers. I help it together pretty good, until something in the agreement left me feeling like I had been punched in the stomach. It said that I had to refinance the house (I am getting it, but have to pay for it) within four years or I would have to sell it. Then I started to cry - I composed myself and said that I didn't think it was fair that since HE wanted a change that I should have the thought of having to sell my home (for 24 years) hanging over my head. I got it changed to seven years and even then he said he would not push it. We talked in the parking lot after the meeting and I told him I wish he had not snuck out of the house that way and that he could actually talk to me. I told him it felt so disrespectful that after 30 years, he did not have the guts to speak to me. It made me feel like I didn't exist anymore to him. He said this was not the case, it was just that he was afraid. I told him I still wanted to be around him as parents to our children and he didn't have to hide from me. I told him that when he left, he had no idea what that felt like - how much it hurt. He apoligised for the way he left home and said that he would not be afraid to talk to me and after that he did start actually picking up the phone and calling me when he had something to tell me - finances, kids, etc.
Author now_what Posted March 8, 2009 Author Posted March 8, 2009 I have to attend a court ordered "parenting" class tomorrow to learn how to help my daughter cope with the dissolution. So far, I think she is doing pretty well - her dad has maintained regular contact with her and has come by to do things with her every couple of weeks. It's kind of a tough place for her to be though, she doesn't understand why her dad would leave me for another woman, and I think she is embarrassed by it. Her counselor said that when she asked her where her dad was living, she said she didn't know. She just didn't want to talk about it. I am so grateful that I have my daughter at home with me. We have always been very close and I have tried very hard not to bad mouth her dad, if I've said anything it has been in frustration which she understood. It made me feel good for her to say that she thought I was being very strong when she knew I was feeling bad. We have a good life just the two of us. My older daughter lives in town with her husband and two children and we see them often. My son is away at college and has been so supportive of me through this whole thing. Neither of the older children were too thrilled with their dad's behavior and they think I'm better off without him.
Author now_what Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 OK, I went to my parenting class today - pretty much a waste of time. After being a parent for almost 26 years I would hope that I would know what to do to not hurt my child during the divorce process. My stbx even called me today to discuss what child support he is going to pay before our hearing and to see if I had filed the tax return yet. It is just so strange, I wanted him to be able to talk to me, but when he does it makes me feel sad. All I can think of is why aren't you home where you belong? What in the world are you doing living in another city with another woman? Why was it not enough for you to be with your wife and child? How could you just go off and create a new life for yourself? Our hearing is in three weeks. I don't know why we actually have to go to court and say that this is what we want - I mean we signed the agreement. I just dread going. I don't want to have to go to the court house and say that yes, I want my marriage to be dissolved, when what I really wanted was for my husband to want to work on the marriage before things got so out of hand. I think we could have worked on things - if he hadn't already taken that next step and started seeing someone while we were still together. Even though he has hurt me, I know I will start crying during the hearing. I don't want to seem pitiful, but being with someone for so long and seeing this end makes me very sad. Things weren't always good, but a lot of it was good for a long time and we do have three wonderful children. We had a good life together and enjoyed being together - I just wish there was something I could do - I hate to admit defeat - but there really isn't anything to be done, except go to court and sign the papers and then get on with my life.
era Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I hate to admit defeat As you look back on your life, know that you've failed at nothing...failure can only be in your mind.
Author now_what Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 Thanks era. I'm finding out now that my Dad, sister and brother want to be waiting for me when I get out of the hearing. I don't know if that would make things easier or harder. I was going to attempt to go to work afterward, I don't know if I will be able to pull that off.
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