TornOnWhatToDo Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 Ok so I just got married. But at the beginning of our relationship(I mean a month into it) and before we were engaged I cheated on him. In all honesty, it was a mistake!!! I was drunk and it just happened...it was a whole 2 minutes not to mention and I did not have an orgasm!! I feel bad, but I don't think that I should tell him. I mean I don't want him to doubt our marriage because I would NEVER have an affair because I believe that marriage is different. There are vows, and to me it is totally against what I believe in. Also because marriage is A LOT more serious to me. But am I going against what I believe in even though it happened BEFORE we were married? I will never see the person again...we have moved to another state since then and he had a wife, which I did not know until after the fact, and he got a slap across the face for that one! What should I do: tell him or just let it go? I mean it has been so long (and by so long I mean YEARS) since it happened and it doesn't really bother me too much because if it did I would have told him by now. Please let me know what you think because I have been told to go with what my heart tells me to do but my heart says no while my mind sometimes says yes. PLEASE HELP!!
Mr. Lucky Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 it was a whole 2 minutes not to mention and I did not have an orgasm!! Well, then it hardly counts as infidelity . I wonder what you would want from your husband were the roles reversed? Would you feel that he should tell you the truth if he had cheated? Mr. Lucky
Ronni_W Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 Well, there is at least a small part of it that is bothering you a great deal, yes? That's why you wrote PLEASE HELP!!! in caps. To me, no, I wouldn't tell my husband. But...then I wouldn't have written PLEASE HELP!!! in caps. So...what do you need to tell that part of your Self that is feeling bothered, to make it (that part) realize that it's okay to let this one go? I mean, other than it was just a 2-minute, non-orgasmic, drunken thing -- cos that obviously hasn't been enough for you to stop thinking (being traumatized?) about it. It doesn't sound as if you WILL commit adultery. Even though you did allow this one, 2-minute, non-orgasmic, drunken thing to happen. So, I think it would be fine if you allowed yourself to trust yourself, about that...that you WON'T commit adultery because, what's changed is that you HAVE made your vows. Trust yourself, that your vows are meaningful to you...and have a long and happy marriage
Author TornOnWhatToDo Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 Thanks Ronni...I guess I just doubted myself for not telling him. But I know that I will not allow anything like that to happen again because a) my vows and b)i will never put myself in that type of situation again. I can definitely trust myself not to commit adultery. One more factor...he was incarcerated for almost a year and I was completely faithful to him. Always writing letters, not missing a visit, and talking to him on the phone as much as possible. So I guess right there should have been proof enough for me to know that nothing like that would or will ever happen again. Thanks again
Author TornOnWhatToDo Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 Well, then it hardly counts as infidelity . I wonder what you would want from your husband were the roles reversed? Would you feel that he should tell you the truth if he had cheated? Mr. Lucky Well it wouldn't have been infidelity because we were not married, but your statement definitely comforts me I wouldn't expect him to tell me if the same thing had happened to him, under all the same circumstances. I would want him to do what he thought was right. Sometimes I think I'm weird because I know I wouldn't over react in a circumstance like this because I have been in a similar one years ago. I think I may be one of the few women who actually would just want to talk something out instead of arguing....I HATE fights, but more so I hate yelling when in a fight!! But like I said, I would only expect him to tell me if he thought it was absolutely necessary to do so, and in this case I don't think it is absolutely necessary.
michelangelo Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 And didn't tell me until when i was confronting her about what I then thought was her first and only infidelity 16 years later. As shocked and pained as I was at her cheating, I threw a sarcastic comment her way in my agony: "So is there anyone one else I ought to know about besides this jerk?" She decided to reveal that long ago straying within minutes of admitting to only a one night stand. In actually? She continued to cheat for years. I guess what i am telling you is this. If you plan on never telling him about it, then NEVER TELL HIM ABOUT IT. Not ever. As in the rest of your life. My wife tore a piece out of my heart with her unfaithfulness. And she thinks of herself as a good wife. Crazy. I guess you didn't commit adultery because of a technicality, no marriage yet. However, you now know you have it in you to stray from your love. You should be concerned.
bentnotbroken Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 Thanks Ronni...I guess I just doubted myself for not telling him. But I know that I will not allow anything like that to happen again because a) my vows and b)i will never put myself in that type of situation again. I can definitely trust myself not to commit adultery. One more factor...he was incarcerated for almost a year and I was completely faithful to him. Always writing letters, not missing a visit, and talking to him on the phone as much as possible. So I guess right there should have been proof enough for me to know that nothing like that would or will ever happen again. Thanks again What a beautiful way to start a marriage and build a firm foundation. Lying the foundation that stands forever.
bentnotbroken Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 Well it wouldn't have been infidelity because we were not married, but your statement definitely comforts me I wouldn't expect him to tell me if the same thing had happened to him, under all the same circumstances. I would want him to do what he thought was right. Sometimes I think I'm weird because I know I wouldn't over react in a circumstance like this because I have been in a similar one years ago. I think I may be one of the few women who actually would just want to talk something out instead of arguing....I HATE fights, but more so I hate yelling when in a fight!! But like I said, I would only expect him to tell me if he thought it was absolutely necessary to do so, and in this case I don't think it is absolutely necessary. Did you use a condom? If not it is necessary he knows.
Lizzie60 Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 NOOOOOOOOOO ... don't say anything.. come on now.. this was at the beginning of the relationship... why destroy it now? why didn't you say anything BEFORE you got even engaged???
Author TornOnWhatToDo Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 Did you use a condom? If not it is necessary he knows. YES DEFINITELY wore a condom
Author TornOnWhatToDo Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 NOOOOOOOOOO ... don't say anything.. come on now.. this was at the beginning of the relationship... why destroy it now? why didn't you say anything BEFORE you got even engaged??? Well it was after that night that I knew I loved him and could never see myself being with anyone else. I guess it was kinda the proof I needed to show me that he is the one.
D-Lish Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 So, this happened YEARS ago and you were barely a month into knowing each other when it happened? Why are you so distressed about it still?
Lizzie60 Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 If alcohol makes you do stupid things.. then ..don't drink.. period..
Author TornOnWhatToDo Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 And didn't tell me until when i was confronting her about what I then thought was her first and only infidelity 16 years later. As shocked and pained as I was at her cheating, I threw a sarcastic comment her way in my agony: "So is there anyone one else I ought to know about besides this jerk?" She decided to reveal that long ago straying within minutes of admitting to only a one night stand. In actually? She continued to cheat for years. I guess what i am telling you is this. If you plan on never telling him about it, then NEVER TELL HIM ABOUT IT. Not ever. As in the rest of your life. My wife tore a piece out of my heart with her unfaithfulness. And she thinks of herself as a good wife. Crazy. I guess you didn't commit adultery because of a technicality, no marriage yet. However, you now know you have it in you to stray from your love. You should be concerned. Thanks for the advice... You would be correct if I knew that I was it was love, but like I said we were only together for a month. It was after that incident that I knew it was love and I have been completely faithful ever since. I was in a 5 year relationship a few years before my husband and was faithful to him, but he wasn't to me..got her pregnant. I know that when in love I can not and will not do such a thing.
Author TornOnWhatToDo Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 If alcohol makes you do stupid things.. then ..don't drink.. period.. LOL yea I haven't in a long time.
Author TornOnWhatToDo Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 So, this happened YEARS ago and you were barely a month into knowing each other when it happened? Why are you so distressed about it still? Yea. I was just doubting myself is all, but now I feel like I made the right decision in not telling him
LakesideDream Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 TOWTD, Male here. This happened when you were dating. A month into your dating relationship. Dating is a time to figure out relationships. After only a month, you couldn't possibly have made true committments to each other. Keep your mouth SHUT. Telling him will only hurt his feelings and shake his trust in you. If you are really filled with guilt... spend a month doing the things he wants (like relationship reverse Lent). Try and make him extra happy, play dress up, go to sleep with a sore butt a couple of times. ... It that's to much effort for you then you will know that it really wasn't that big a deal afterall.
jnj express Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 First don't ever say what you did was a mistake, a mistake is adding 2 and 2 and getting 5, what you did, was done with intent, otherwise it wouldn't have happened, or it would have been rape. You also said you really are not bothered by what you did, and can live with it, THEN WHY ARE YOU ASKING FOR ADVICE. You have some festering guilt about this don't you? As to what you did it was prior to being engaged, you were just dating so i don't think you did anything wrong. Your H. does not need to know, BUT IF YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO TAKE THIS DARK SECRET TO YOUR GRAVE, then you need to stop thinking about it, discussing it, and move on, or tell your H. If you do tell be prepared for a long bumpy road of your H. not trusting you, not because you cheated, but because you have committed a sin of omission, and not told him .
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 I know that when in love I can not and will not do such a thing. Here's something to think about..So someone you're inlove with deserves your faithfulness and respect, but someone you're NOt inlove with doesn't? What happens if you fall out of love with your husband in the future - Will you cheat on him or end your marriage first before finding someone else?
Bryanp Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want him to tell you about it?
Author TornOnWhatToDo Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 Here's something to think about..So someone you're inlove with deserves your faithfulness and respect, but someone you're NOt inlove with doesn't? What happens if you fall out of love with your husband in the future - Will you cheat on him or end your marriage first before finding someone else? Yes and No. Yes if you are married, but no if you are only dating. From our religion, we do not believe in divorce; it is simply one of the biggest sins. My H is not anything like any other man I have been with; he respects me and my decisions, he is very supportive in everything I do, we do not yell at eachother when we disagree, we talk it out...we hate fighting it is so not us, he treats my son as if he were his own and that is just the begininning. I couldn't imagine myself spending the rest of my life without him.
Author TornOnWhatToDo Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want him to tell you about it? No...it was only a month into it and we were not sure of anything at that point. We barely knew eachother...we even took a break for a month because I had been going through a lot of crap. So is that another technicality? I mean since there was a break before we got engaged?
Author TornOnWhatToDo Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 TOWTD, Male here. This happened when you were dating. A month into your dating relationship. Dating is a time to figure out relationships. After only a month, you couldn't possibly have made true committments to each other. Keep your mouth SHUT. Telling him will only hurt his feelings and shake his trust in you. If you are really filled with guilt... spend a month doing the things he wants (like relationship reverse Lent). Try and make him extra happy, play dress up, go to sleep with a sore butt a couple of times. ... It that's to much effort for you then you will know that it really wasn't that big a deal afterall. Yea I've gone to bed quite a few times with a sore butt, did some stripteases for him, massages, and given him a b/j....but thats part of our regular sex life. I just try to give him extra massages and extra b/j's so maybe because I do a lot besides sexual things is why I don't feel so guilty. Thanks 4 the tip!
Dexter Morgan Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Ok so I just got married. But at the beginning of our relationship(I mean a month into it) and before we were engaged I cheated on him. In all honesty, it was a mistake!!! I was drunk and it just happened...it was a whole 2 minutes not to mention and I did not have an orgasm!! You are kidding right? Because you didn't orgasm it was a mistake? Cheating is not a mistake and being drunk isn't an excuse. As far as being drunk, you have proven you can't handle drinking in social settings. So maybe going out drinking or partying should be over. You can't handle it. I feel bad, but I don't think that I should tell him. I mean I don't want him to doubt our marriage because I would NEVER have an affair because I believe that marriage is different. I always advise to tell, but if it was a month into dating and you weren't engaged(but my advice hinges on it only happening within the first month), then maybe you should let it slide....but ONLY if the lifestyle that you engaged in is over. You are married now....ACT LIKE IT! There are vows, and to me it is totally against what I believe in. Also because marriage is A LOT more serious to me. But am I going against what I believe in even though it happened BEFORE we were married? Cheating is just as bad whether you are married or not. If you don't agree, then tell your husband and see if he sees it the same way. I will never see the person again...we have moved to another state since then and he had a wife, which I did not know until after the fact, and he got a slap across the face for that one! You mean you slapped him? When was this? A week later after you got drunk with him? Or was it that same night. if it was the former, then what the hell were you doing with him again? And in any case, you were not on the moral high ground to slap anyone. I don't care if you were married or not, you were committed to your bf and cheated on him. If you slapped this guy for cheating, married or not, then do you think you deserve to be slapped by your husband if he found out? What should I do: tell him or just let it go? I mean it has been so long (and by so long I mean YEARS) since it happened and it doesn't really bother me too much because if it did I would have told him by now. Well there is the disturbing part....that cheating on him didn't bother you that much. And if thats the case, why did you freakin' marry him? you know what, I was willing to go back once on my "tell" policy...but now that you said cheating didn't bother you....I'd say tell him. Maybe it WILL bother you then. Because if cheating didn't bother you...married or not, then you could easily cheat again...and don't say you wouldn't either. If the perfect opportunity came along and you know your husband wouldn't EVER find out, you'd cheat...afterall...it didn't bother you in the first place.
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