princess Linda Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 i broke things off with my ex (for many reasons) even tho i still love him. we work at the same establishment & it is so hard to see him. i have such mixed feelings whenever i see him. some feelings of regret. but then the logical/practical side of me kicks in and realizes what is better for me. i've thought about finding a new job -so i don't have to see him & have feelings re-surface all the time. however, with the economy the way it is -i am scared to leave my job b/c the pay is so good & it is hard to find a career where you litterally like everyone you work with & it's a very close commute! after i first broke it off with him we didn't talk & i knew he hated me for leaving him -in the middle of our blossoming love. but i explained everything about who i am & what i want.. and after a while he just wasn't getting it so that's why i ended things. so the first week we didn't speak to eachother at work (which is hard b/c communication is important) and i wanted to be professional and not let our ''relationship -or lack-there-of' get in the way of doing my job. then the second week was a little better. we had a few words & he said he didn't want to be mean and it's not in his character & in fact he even started going out of his way to help me. which in turn made me feel even more regretful & guilty for leaving him. so now the third week working with him he's started to act like we're still together. when it's time for me to leave he'll make sure to find me and walk me to my car, ask for hugs, ask to eat dinner together, even ask for a kiss. and usually i give in b/c i still care about him deeply. altho i did not eat dinner w/ him or spend time w/ him outside of work. i did however hug him. b/c i couldn't resist & once he asked for a kiss and i said "no" and another time he asked again and i said "ok" and gave him a small peck. i try to resist so much! and deny 90% of his requests to spend more time together or talk. i've even asked him to give me more space -even tho i appreciate his help and kindness at work. i don't want to lead him on.. but then again my feelings are re surfacing & i can't help but give in to his love for me & in some way i wish we could be together again. but i feel like the problems will still be there. can anyone give me advice about what to do when i see him at work?! i really don't think it's wise for me to look for another job right now -how can i deal with this??????! what would you do?...............
Excellent Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Christ, some of the things you said are so similar to how it was between me and my ex at work that it is almost scary. Although i am the one who got dumped. My best advice: If you really, REALLY are sure that it's over for good between you two, tell it to him straight. If you haven't told him the the real reason of why you dumped him, DO IT. He deserves that much, eventhough you think it will hurt him more. It hurts more if he can't figure out why, trust me. And letting him giving you hugs and kisses...bad idea. All you are doing is giving him hope, hope that isn't there. And when he realizes that all of this isn't going to get him back with you, he will suffer an even bigger emotional breakdown. Again, trust me. And when he realizes, he's going to feel used, wich hurts even more. Because then he thinks you don't give a damn about him or his feelings. Yet again, trust me. --- My ex had me dangling like that for 2 months before i finally got myself to break all contact with her. I felt better within a week. Luckily, i never acted needy infront of her (trying to hug, kiss, whatever). The only thing i did wrong was to eagerly agree to see her whenever she had the time. Each time she asked for us to do something it gave me hope, and each time i left her for the night i was crushed. SO! Tell him the truth about everything. Ask him not to contact you, and you don't contact him. Tell him to move on, if this is what you truly want. Keeping this up will only hurt him more in the end. If you truly love him, but don't want to be with him, let him go so he can move on.
hopethisworks Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Dude. Im glad u made this thread, cause Im in the same boat, only as a dumpee. Im interested to know your reasons for the break up?
BCCA Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 First of all, not that Im sure you havent heard this, but this is a big reason to avoid work relationships. Even if you feel like you can handle seeing him, etc...it doesnt mean he can. And you never know what people will do when they feel slighted. Next, NO MORE hugs, kisses, walks to your car, dinner, nothing. Tell him thats all out the window, youre not together, not getting together, and dont want to drag it out any sooner. Whats happening now is that hes trying to just 'fall' back into a relationship with you, and honestly, hes only being nice because youre not putting up enough resistance to hammer home the fact that its over. Eventually, he WILL realize, and will hate you a million times more for what he will percieve as being used, even if you dont see it that way. Here is the basic point: youre either together or your not. Since youre not, dont do ANYTHING that isnt directly related to work with him, period. In fact keep all your conversations work related. This is reason #1 why men are rarely friends with an ex. DONT give him even the slightest idea that there is a second chance. Just say sorry, but its over - end of story. He will be pissed, and dislike you for a while, but will eventuall get over it and appreciate you being so honest and not messing with his heart. If he feels led on or used, he'll hate your guts forever. Not being 'mean' to save his feelings is really more about sparing yourself guilt. He'll come to the same conclusion if this drags out any longer than it needs to.
Author princess Linda Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 i'm so freakin confused!!.. ok i just wanted to answer a couple questions & make things a bit more 'clear'. first, i don't know how much history or details i need to give. -this relationship that i've had with my ex has been very different from any other one* (i won't give all the details) but i'll sum it up best as possible: Mr. "X" pursued me w/in the first month of my starting my job back in Sept. 08' and we became fast friends & started dating. right away i was 'hesitant' about the relationship b/c i was looking for my future husband & at the time was being very critical. i wasn't over-looking small details. he's a lot shorter than me (which is superficial -i know), he's an illegal immigrant, his english isn't that great (even tho he's going to school), he doesn't make that much $ & sometimes i feel like he's not 'smart enough' b/c he hasn't have enough proper/formal education. but he is wise in certain things about life & his character is moral. obviously the good qualities and characteristics i haven't listed -there are many & that is why i decided to explore the relationship* his character & humble good heart won overall. WAIT WAIT! b4 you start to judge me and think i'm a ridiculous self-righteous bimbo (no 1 knows the whole story & it's so easy to judge when you don't know the details) =i just gave you the "negatives" the things any wise woman would be 'weary' about. i want the best for my future & my future 'family' --i don't want to go ''backwards'' and struggle for years just to have a decent things. i want to be 'taken care of' -like ANYONE who is honest with themselves -would want the same thing. some people want to be "taken care of'' emotionally.. some want to be "taken care of" financially.. etc. obviously a healthy relationship both people would take care of eachother & want to make eachother happy. with Mr. "X" i know this would all be 'achievable" -anything is possible. but i feel like his 'ideas of reality' are not like mine. i feel like i've had way more life experience in relationships, & pretty much every area. i've had a full life. i'm only 2 yrs older than him. but i've experienced more things in my life then most people have for my age. ==i guess this is irrelavant to some point. why i broke up w/ him is b/c i felt that i needed more stability financially.. i'm not saying i need a millionaire. i knew what Mr. "X" was worth before i fell in love with him.............. he's worth much more than anything that $ can buy...............he's given me everything i could want emotionally & has offered the greatest gift of all.. which is his whole heart & all his love. and of course i love him! how could i not!? it's the classic freaking story. i broke up with him b/c the practical side of me 'thinks' i need more than just love. -what if America's whole economy crashes & things get a 1,000 times worse? i'm not prepared for that.. and neither is most of America.. so i think the smart thing to do is to marry some1 who at least has a 'head start'.... i'm ignoring my feelings & following my thinking. i do still love Mr. "X" =very much. and in so many ways i just want to say "SCREW LOGIC AND REASONING!!" and just be with him.. and both of us work hard for our future and a common goal. maybe it won't be so bad being with him.............. but then again..........what if it is?.. i just want to be prepared.... and leaving him, i took a chance -maybe i'll never find the right guy for me. PS. i feel like i can't completely "cut our relationship off COMPLETELY and keep it just work related..... i did that initially -right after i ended things.. and he came back full force with his love......... it's sooooo hard to deny that!!!!!!! how can you deny love? i did try... but it's easier said than done..... i still love him & i think about going back to be with him everyday. i don't know what to do............ thinking about it this much is making me sick litterally!:sick::sick: UGH!
Excellent Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 I am not you, and you are not me. In addition, i am a man, and you are a woman. We are two completely different human beings. However, the fact that you broke up with him just because you are unsure if he is good enough financially in the future is impossible for me to understand. Is this how all women think? I couldn't have cared less about my ex's income. I knew she had a very rugged past before we got serious. I knew that she wasn't a model when it came to looks. I knew that she could be somewhat of a dramaqueen sometimes. I knew plenty of things that some people would warn me about when i initiated my relationship with her. Yet, i did. Because i couldn't care less about her flaws. To me, she was the kindest, cutest and most lovable person on this earth. And i loved her to death, and would have if she hadn't broken up with me. And before she broke up with me, she was exactly the same to me. And it gave me the greatest feeling i have ever had, every minute i spent with her. I am pretty sure he feels exactly the same, judging from his actions after the break between you two. I don't know about you, but to me, feeling so wanted from someone you really love would be enough for me. I couldn't have cared less over such trivial things as money. Wich, i might add, can be dealt with.
hopethisworks Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 I'll refrain from all negative comments, because i think you definately got enough of them on the other post before. I still work with my ex, and she was doing the same thing you were doing. In my case she actually led me to believe that she wanted to get back, and really wrecked my emotions. If Mr. "X" is feeling anywhere remotely close to what I'm feeling, it might be too late to even worry about it. I dread going into work, because I have such anger and hate for how she led me on. Just like BCCA and Excellent said, he is definately going to hate you even more for giving him false hope. What really sucks, is that I love my job a lot, and now i find myself wanting to leave because of all of this.
spider2000 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Such a similar story for me too. I was dating a coworker of mine, she is 3 years older, she dumped me this NewYears (i have written a post about it) and she has this same mentality. To be practical in life, finding someone to support her etc... She said one time to me "Life is not what we want but what we have to do, one day you will understand." Anyway, it's very difficult for a man to understand all this when he is in love (I still am, and I am having a hard time). For me it's more like "Life it's what we want, not what we have to do". You are leading your life with logic, Hes leading with passion/heart... My advice to you... If you love him, tell him the truth! Everything, and be clear!
Author princess Linda Posted March 14, 2009 Author Posted March 14, 2009 thank you ~~ all of you have helped me contemplate the 'relationship' i have w/ my ex. i see all sides of this & i understand how he feels. we've talked a lot about it. i think spider defined it best. it is exactly that. i think more practical & he follows his heart. who knows maybe it's a defense mechanism for me* mabye b/c i've followed my heart in the past & it's only led me to hurt & sorrow that i now have to follow logic and thinking. "as a man thinketh so is he" honestly, feelings can be misleading. and i don't like fully depending on how i feel for a person. i understand that there is no "perfect one" out there. those shoes are filled by Jesus -in my belief (i am fullfilled by that -anything else just disappoints) basically, in this day & age i crave security. i need a strong sense of it.. b/c i can't provide it all by myself. i've tried i know i can't do it. & therefore i suppose in some twisted way i want some1 who already has it financially & emotionally to share it with me. if that is wrong.. then so be it. but quite frankly. it's the truth & i bet any1 who is wise & is in my shoes would think like me. i don't believe it is wrong of me to feel/think/dream this way. i just fell in love w/ some1 who can't provide the full security that i crave. ----of course i can survive & go thru life without it ---i have thus far.. & who knows i might not ever find it.
spider2000 Posted March 14, 2009 Posted March 14, 2009 This threat its like it was written from my ex. He hehe. It's really a very difficult sittuation. (mine and yours). It's not that he can not see through this, its just that he doesnt want to believe it. It was so clear that even a guy in this forum could see it: see his reply to my story: -------------------------- Dude, she spelled it out for you: Spide2000 - Quote: she always mentioned that she is in a time at her life that she should be getting married and having children (more serious stuff) she said that she was thinking about us and she didnt want to get hurt or hurt me but there are many reasons this relationship would not go well, first she is older than me and she said she is looking for other things and second is that we work together so its better to stop now, she says she loves but its better to stay friends. She said "Life is not what we want but what we have to do" One day you will understand His reply: She likes you, but she needs to find a man to marry her. You are not that guy because you're too young and probably don't make enough money for her to feel financially secure enough to start a family with you. "Life is not what we want but what we have to do" is very much a fatalist Russian view on life. Meaning, she's practical and needs to find a husband, regardless of where her emotions lead her. Unless you are willing and able to marry her and be capable of supporting a family, you are not the practical answer for her. You may be fun, romance, and even love, but you can't deliver on what she needs practically. Accept this for what it is - a temporary relationship until she meets the guy who will marry her, or move on. -------------------------------- Being logical or folowing the heart, I dont think there is a sure answer. My "ex" came with her sister to Greece years ago, her sister is married to a successful dentist, they have a kid and are happy. My coworker tried the same think, she found a "good" man, good carrer and everything, well, they became enganged and he dumped her on christmas night. She was devastated, I think she still is. But as you can see, she is being pesistent with this practical side, even after all this. My practical side (hehe), can sometimes understand her (and you). You are following a dream. We all are. It's not a sure thing, as you might know. For me, security doesnt mean financial stability, you know why? Because when things go bad in a family, what holds them together is LOVE, nothing else. Im not trying to change your mind, Im just showing you how I see all this. I wish I could have this talk with my coworker, not to change her mind, just to get it out of me. After acting cold to me 2 months straight, (like she was trying to make me hate her) now she is friendly again. Not one call from her yet... Last thing I said to her outside of work was: "My love for you will always be there, you may be out of my sight but not out of my mind. I hope you find what you are looking for..." Same goes to you Princess... Best of Luck!
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