Geishawhelk Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 This is silly. I write a post that's essentially stream of consciousness Mentioned a great deal in Buddhism... and you pick out one word to try to prove me wrong with? Why? Where was I trying to prove you wrong? I merely said there was a difference between the two terms... I never said you were wrong.... So you can preach your buddhism bull**** and your enriched outlook on life? Never mentioned it. And it's not buddhist-specific, I think you'll find... you mentioned first in the quotation I put, above. Until then, I never said a word. It wasn't even the point of my post...it was a minor term I put in without really thinking about it because its specific definition wasn't that relevant to my post, but you felt the need to pick on it. That's why I picked up on it. because you obviously hadn't thought about it. I'm not going to get more specific because this is a stupid irrelevant discussion to begin with. You said it! And I can't argue with a single word there! :0x Take care. 'Nuff said. I'm gone.
monkey00 Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 It's amazing how easy it is to even fool ourselves when we're younger and more insecure, or are still working on both knowing and finding ourselves. If you've ever been in a relationship where you look up one day and notice that you've molded yourself to fit into someone else's life, you know what I mean. I believe that's what you called being whipped. Well anyway I have a few guy friends that have done exactly that with their gfs. They are the passive types and seem to be happy as givers, and the relationship functions. So I think it should account for something. There are so many awkward/odd couples out there, sometimes you just gawk at how they are even together.
Author Isolde Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 I gotta say that your title certainly caught my attention. I recognized my own words. Thanks for the clarification, JamesM. I always appreciate your insights--this thread isn't about marriage per se, but about what place people need to be in, to make any kind of real relationship work. It's funny, but I'm only 22, and I feel like I'm holding out for something fairly serious. I guess I'm naturally serious where this stuff is concerned (meaning I don't like the idea of purposefully seeking a STR, or dating someone I don't feel a connection to). Additionally, I haven't even been dating at all for about a year now, so I've had a lot of time to reflect on what I want. And not having had a relationship before, I really am naive about what makes them work, though I don't necessarily think this naivete is a bad thing. I do know this, though. When people use their partners as a replacement for fully developing their own identity, that's very destructive. On the other hand, when people aren't sharing their lives, goals, and values, the relationship doesn't really hold much potential. I do feel a lot more self possessed than I was even a year ago, which leads me to wonder if that's the result of not dating, or of having fewer distractions on that front. Of course it's impossible for me to be sure of what I want at this point, but... I'm getting closer, and that's kind of exciting and kind of frightening.
IrishCarBomb Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 There are so many things wrapped up in dating that it's often hard to know who will actually be a good partner for us. Insecurities, fears, and personal ignorance all factor in to why a person can choose to date another that is a horrible match for them. The classic example is a person that dates a guy or girl that is "perfect" in terms of the socially defined mate. Intelligent, successful, attractive, etc. However, so many people cannot look to what they themselves need in a relationship. A lot of people realize that this is what others look for in a mate, and because they have it (him/her), to them that means they have a good relationship. It's almost as if they would rather be envied by others than personally happy. However, this mentality just doesn't tend to work in the long term. Our relationships are stronger when the idiosyncratic and unique characteristics (and our deeper characteristics) connect with another person. The only way to know these characteristics, or even to look for them, is to have at least a moderate understanding of yourself. In this regard, you cannot know where to look to find another person that you'd really be happy in a long-term relationship with, until you at least understand who you are. Certainly people can grow together, and a person doesn't necessarily have to be 100% conscious of what they want to get it. But with so many "fish in the sea", it is many many times easier to find a good partner if you understand yourself. For me, I know that I need a smart and low-maintenance woman. It's just the type of woman that compliments my own characteristics well, and I form the sorts of relationships where we both seem to thrive. I my younger days I would have chased the hot cheerleader or the stereotypical model type, but I came to realize that when I ended up dating these types of women, I was never happy beyond the immediate short-term. As a result, I just started to cast a wider net. I dated to seek out what characteristics fit well with me--what traits I found attractive and what sorts of girls I formed the best relationships with. I would have overlooked these girls when I was younger, because back then I wasn't dating in my own interest--I wouldn't have had the slightest idea of what my interests were, I didn't "know myself" well enough yet. So instead I just chased after every girl that other guys chased, and sought validation through it. Who we are at 18 is a shadow of who we are at 21 (given we seek to personally grow and live happy lives). The same goes for 22 to 25 and onward. We'll probably never know ourselves so well to be absolutely 100% sure, but we can get a good enough idea that we make an informed leap of faith into another person's arms. So, for me, I just keep looking to great life experiences that help me learn about myself and develop myself, and then jump at any opportunity to meet and form relationships with the interesting women I meet along the way.
Trialbyfire Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Glad to see someone else with a list of needs and wants, based on understanding yourself to a reasonable degree. And I can now say that my list isn't as outrageous as people might have believed, if you consider my snowman. There's no need to settle. This is and has been by and large, the easiest dating experience/relationship I've ever experienced. As I was saying to another member, I've become a fervent 100% convertee towards familial foundational similarities. If you share similar backgrounds, your positive triggers are also similar so that you speak the same or similar languages of love. With this in mind, it's not painfully hard work to make each other happy. You just automatically do things the other person appreciates.
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