"You have to find yourself before you can find them"

[Isolde]

What does this mean?

 

JamesM posted it in Touche's thread... and I don't really understand.

 

Not a lot of people have a truly defined life path... some people have distinct career goals and hobbies and other people change jobs and hobbies several times throughout life. I don't think either is necessarily better.

 

For example, I don't consider myself a linear person, and therefore I don't view finding a relationship as something that has to fit into a linear path. I do know that I want to "settle down" (ideally) in my early thirties, but I don't necessarily think that my goals and interests need to be set in stone, especially in today's economy.

 

Discuss.

[bean1]

I think that concept is diffcult to understand unless you have already gotten to that point. There is a point, perhaps at a certain age or after a certain experience, where you realize that you have discovered who you really are (and therefore have decided what you truly want). Once that has happened, you can find someone compatible with that.

[Isolde]

I think that concept is diffcult to understand unless you have already gotten to that point. There is a point, perhaps at a certain age or after a certain experience, where you realize that you have discovered who you really are (and therefore have decided what you truly want). Once that has happened, you can find someone compatible with that.

 

I know who I am, and I know what I want from life--I just don't buy into the idea that people have to be able to define this in discrete terms.

 

I know people in dead end jobs that have found their compatible partners, and people at the apex of their careers, with plenty of hobbies, who take classes and join clubs, who struggle to find someone.

 

I just don't think there is that much of a correlation. If you are CONFIDENT in yourself, and know your VALUES, I think that's all that figures in.

[bean1]

I don't think "finding yourself" should refer to careers and hobbies, but rather your true values and a sense of self worth.

[Isolde]

I don't think "finding yourself" should refer to careers and hobbies, but rather your true values and a sense of self worth.

 

I agree. I think a lot of people confound the two, on this forum and elsewhere.

[Star Gazer]

I don't think "finding yourself" should refer to careers and hobbies, but rather your true values and a sense of self worth.

 

I agree.

 

I'd also say that if you didn't already know what it means to have "found yourself," then you...haven't yet "found yourself." (That sounded awkward, hope you understand.)

 

I also agree with James whole-heartedly in this regard.

[Isolde]

I agree.

 

I'd also say that if you didn't already know what it means to have "found yourself," then you...haven't yet "found yourself." (That sounded awkward, hope you understand.)

 

I also agree with James whole-heartedly in this regard.

 

I'm not saying I have found myself yet. However, I don't think "finding yourself" is one moment in time, for most people, but rather a slow, organic process. I mean, I know older people who are still working on it. This is why I don't really understand the connection to finding the right person.

 

Perhaps it's more precise to say: "You should have pretty much found yourself."

[Star Gazer]

I agree. I think a lot of people confound the two, on this forum and elsewhere.

 

Are you one of those people? Because your OP makes it sound like you define "finding yourself" by defining yourself by your career, etc., and not who you are as a person at your core.

[Isolde]

Are you one of those people? Because your OP makes it sound like you define "finding yourself" by defining yourself by your career, etc., and not who you are as a person at your core.

 

Oh, no. Not at all! I was using career/goals as 1) an example of possible correlates to having found yourself and 2) an example of things that some people equate with that.

 

Sorry for the confusion.

 

At any rate, I'm really young--I think it's entirely possible to have good relationships before that "poof!" point, they just won't last forever, that's all.

[kashmir]

I don't really believe that idea. I think that people grow inside themselves but people also grow with others.

 

A person may be confused in certain aspects of his/her life. That doesn't mean he/she isn't fit to have relationships with people. It wouldn't make sense to isolate that person.

 

We're all "searching for ourselves" to some degree. We'll all always be confused. You would be lying if you said you knew everything about who you are and where you're going.

 

So no, you don't have to know yourself and where you're going perfectly to be with someone else.

[Geishawhelk]

"finding yourself" means being comfortable in your own skin.

Accepting yourself as being absolutely perfect as you are.

if anything needs re-defining, or modifying, you do it because you want to, not because it's expected of you.

You can look in the mirror and say: "I truly love you, because you know what? You're all right!"

It means that you know that you're not inferior to anyone else at all, no matter who they are or what their achievements.

It means of course, that you're not superior, either.

It means that whatever goes on outside, the inside is pretty much stable and unpeturbed.

You might be happy, sad, cross, angry, stressed, irritated, pissed or jubilant.

The inside remains in a static state of even serenity.

because all the outside stuff passes.

The inside stuff remains.

So that's what counts.

That't what you take care of.

 

 

That's 'finding yourself'.

 

Sorted.

[Geishawhelk]

So no, you don't have to know yourself and where you're going perfectly to be with someone else.

 

"Knowing yourself" is not the same as "finding yourself".

[Isolde]

It's true that "no man is an island," Kashmir. You can't just think of people in a vacuum, that will reach max potential at a certain point and only then will be able to magnetically attract others.

 

As with many things on this board, I think the "rule" under discussion is about 90% true, but I know enough exceptions to it that I can't just take it for granted.

[kashmir]

"Knowing yourself" is not the same as "finding yourself".

 

Oh my god, you're going to get specific with language? These terms are broad enough...like, how do you describe finding yourself and knowing yourself? You can't really describe these things - it's just something you know or have a feeling for.

 

And if you do give me two different definitions of finding and knowing, I may define them differently than you.

 

My point is, you can't get picky with language here, as saying knowing youself and finding yourself are so broad to begin with.

[Geishawhelk]

whatever.

[kashmir]

whatever.

 

Hey, you were the one that decided to pick at my words.

[Isolde]

Wait, I think I understand Geisha's distinction.

 

I KNOW who I am right now... I know myself, as much as I ever could, I have a pretty clear sense of my patterns of behavior and my wants in life and the things I enjoy and value. Of course, these things change somewhat over time but I will never cease knowing myself pretty well.

 

But I haven't FOUND myself yet, as in, there are tensions within me that haven't been resolved. Someone in their thirties is likely to be a lot closer to finding themselves, than I am.

[JamesM]

What does this mean?

 

JamesM posted it in Touche's thread... and I don't really understand.

 

 

Discuss.

 

I gotta say that your title certainly caught my attention. I recognized my own words.

 

It is hard to define what I mean because I don't think it means the same to everyone.

 

For instance, if I had no clue what my future would be regarding my career or what I wanted from life...at least as best that I can at that age, then it would be hard for me to define what kind of husband or father or person I want to be for a future wife who I wanted to share with that life.

 

This does not mean I need to have a successful career already. This does not mean I need to be rich and certain of myself.

 

It does mean that I need to understand myself as best as I can at the age I am at. (And I add that because at my age now, I look back and see how I did not really know what my future would be).

 

The person who has no clue what they want as a career...even if it changes later, or what they want in a family life...even if it changes as they grow...will have a hard time convincing someone else that they are a worthy candidate as a marriage partner.

 

Having said that, it is entirely possible to meet someone and that person can actually be the "inspiration" for what future goals should be. It is also possible to meet one's future mate while one is still floundering in life. And goals and expectations can be decided while one is working on a relationship.

 

BUT...I do not think it is advisable for anyone to marry who expects everything to simply work out with no plan how it should work out. And if one person finds that the other still wants to be an irresponsible party guy or girl with no thought for the future of career, family, and retirement, then I think the responsible one needs to decide if this person will change or if the relationship should end.

 

Never marry someone with the hope of change or you will be sorely disappointed.

 

I am not sure that I have put down my thoughts clearly. It is a hard thing to define IMO. Others may do better.

[Geishawhelk]

Wait, I think I understand Geisha's distinction.

 

I KNOW who I am right now... I know myself, as much as I ever could, I have a pretty clear sense of my patterns of behavior and my wants in life and the things I enjoy and value. Of course, these things change somewhat over time but I will never cease knowing myself pretty well.

 

But I haven't FOUND myself yet, as in, there are tensions within me that haven't been resolved. Someone in their thirties is likely to be a lot closer to finding themselves, than I am.

 

Thank you.

You see, when we use different words, it's usually because they mean different things.

You can pick and choose your definitions all you want, Kashmir, but alternatively, if you want to be understood, perhaps you should attempt to be a lot more specific, not fall back on the old "Oh, your interpretation is different to mine" trick again.

You tried that with Karma.

It didn't work there, either.....

[Sam Spade]

The whole finding yourself hooplah is invented by women chiefly to justify terminating relaitonships without looking like the bad guy. (At least I've never heard guy use it in any context).

 

More to the point, it is generally true, but overrated. Everybody changes at all times, so unless we're talking about major psycho-unresolved issues, there is no point in putting (dating) life on hold until everything in one's life is completley sorted out (internally and/or externally). That point only comes with death, and even then - only if you've been particularly anal about everything.

[Geishawhelk]

The whole finding yourself hooplah is invented by women chiefly to justify terminating relaitonships without looking like the bad guy. (At least I've never heard guy use it in any context).

 

Oh right, so you've obviously not heard of great religious mystics or spiritual masters advocating finding yourself then? Most are male. The Dalai Lama being one.....

 

More to the point, it is generally true, but overrated. Everybody changes at all times,

Yes, but that doesn't mean you can't find yourself, simultaneously. You can change and for the better. Improving on the new-improved, so to speak....

 

so unless we're talking about major psycho-unresolved issues, there is no point in putting (dating) life on hold until everything in one's life is completley sorted out (internally and/or externally).

Quite so. Dating is in fact, part of the process, isn't it.... ?

 

That point only comes with death, and even then - only if you've been particularly anal about everything.

 

A very good lesson, if ever there was one, that the trouble is, we think we have time.....

[kashmir]

Thank you.

You see, when we use different words, it's usually because they mean different things.

You can pick and choose your definitions all you want, Kashmir, but alternatively, if you want to be understood, perhaps you should attempt to be a lot more specific, not fall back on the old "Oh, your interpretation is different to mine" trick again.

You tried that with Karma.

It didn't work there, either.....

 

This is silly. I write a post that's essentially stream of consciousness and you pick out one word to try to prove me wrong with? Why? So you can preach your buddhism bull**** and your enriched outlook on life? It wasn't even the point of my post...it was a minor term I put in without really thinking about it because its specific definition wasn't that relevant to my post, but you felt the need to pick on it.

 

I'm not going to get more specific because this is a stupid irrelevant discussion to begin with.

[monkey00]

I think a lot of people here already have some idea behind what the OP means to them. I agree - you do need to know enough about yourself, your likes, your dislikes, what experiences you learned from past relationships, and general experience from life... allows you to be more certain/confident about yourself as a person. It also lends itself to narrow down to select potential prospects that would make a successful partner.

 

There is no finalization of growing as a person. People have the capability to change and often do. People grow apart/change in relationships and in marriages hence divorces. The challenge of a relationship though is working together in order to grow together.

 

I don't believe finding yourself is determined by your age at all. I have friends and know people older than me (well into their 30's) who are still lost or floating about in life...they just don't know what they want. I think it's up to an individual to interpret external influences and learn from them to make themselves a better person.

 

So it's quite possible for someone in their early 20's to know what they want out of life, perhaps even more so than their older peers.

[norajane]

To me it means that I'm secure enough that I don't feel the desire to be anything other than who I am in order to be with someone.

 

It's amazing how easy it is to even fool ourselves when we're younger and more insecure, or are still working on both knowing and finding ourselves. If you've ever been in a relationship where you look up one day and notice that you've molded yourself to fit into someone else's life, you know what I mean.

 

When you're secure enough to look at dating as an opportunity to find someone who fits into YOUR life as well as you fit into theirs, and are happy to turn down the ones who don't, then you've found yourself.

[Alan430]

I think a lot of people here already have some idea behind what the OP means to them. I agree - you do need to know enough about yourself, your likes, your dislikes, what experiences you learned from past relationships, and general experience from life... allows you to be more certain/confident about yourself as a person. It also lends itself to narrow down to select potential prospects that would make a successful partner.

 

There is no finalization of growing as a person. People have the capability to change and often do. People grow apart/change in relationships and in marriages hence divorces. The challenge of a relationship though is working together in order to grow together.

 

I don't believe finding yourself is determined by your age at all. I have friends and know people older than me (well into their 30's) who are still lost or floating about in life...they just don't know what they want. I think it's up to an individual to interpret external influences and learn from them to make themselves a better person.

 

So it's quite possible for someone in their early 20's to know what they want out of life, perhaps even more so than their older peers.

 

Yeah i agree With you monkey. IMO Knowing/finding yourself is understanding your core values and beliefs. If you are waiting to know exactly what you want from every path of life then you will be waiting for a long time. Who ever mentioned the whole religious monk/Dali Lama thing, well given that they sacarfice everything for only one life path it is easy for them to "find themselves". Anyways as human react to experiences in our lives, our perceptions and ideas change. Our Core values and believes are with us forever. So unless you isolate yourself from the outside world your preceptions will change. I believe most people in their 30s have identified most of their core values..