Peter_pan Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 just had a thought and yes its about the ex. well i was thinking to myself "god i'll never be with her again, suddenly made me feel a bit odd. i cant describe the feeling. and i have accepted that long ago. but its when i thought into the future i suddenly felt it a bit. like something wasnt quite right i know most people break up and never talk to each other again and various factors will determine this. but i dunno, i guess i am thinking of her again just now because i currently just lost the majority of my so called "friends" they all booked a holiday and didnt tell me about it.... do they think im stupid or something? anyway has everyone else felt this way? im just gutted that me and my ex couldn't have stayed really good mates. it feels like something is missing without her. how do people deal with the gap that the ex filled. surely it cant ever really be replaced. no matter what hobbie you take up
northstar1 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 just had a thought and yes its about the ex. well i was thinking to myself "god i'll never be with her again, suddenly made me feel a bit odd. i cant describe the feeling. and i have accepted that long ago. but its when i thought into the future i suddenly felt it a bit. like something wasnt quite right i know most people break up and never talk to each other again and various factors will determine this. but i dunno, i guess i am thinking of her again just now because i currently just lost the majority of my so called "friends" they all booked a holiday and didnt tell me about it.... do they think im stupid or something? anyway has everyone else felt this way? im just gutted that me and my ex couldn't have stayed really good mates. it feels like something is missing without her. how do people deal with the gap that the ex filled. surely it cant ever really be replaced. no matter what hobbie you take up Yep, I have, and then I realize that I'm living in nostaglia when I do this and I try and stop. It took me a long time to accept that the person I'd once shared so much with was now a stranger in my life and would likely always remain that way. But I also have accepted I can't be mates with her either, so it has to be strangers. Either way, I'll be okay, and so will you.
Author Peter_pan Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 yeah good insight. so in your case why could you not be friends? for me she never cheated. just went into a relationship right away, she didnt wait around. plus i now live in a different country. yeah its sad to think we have to be strangers. its really wrong. do things have to be that way, i guess so im so lonely right now. i honestly feel like ive hit the brick wall. my life was better with her. just feels like 3 years with her was all for nothing, and ive got nothing to show for the last chunk of my life
northstar1 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 yeah good insight. so in your case why could you not be friends? for me she never cheated. just went into a relationship right away, she didnt wait around. plus i now live in a different country. yeah its sad to think we have to be strangers. its really wrong. do things have to be that way, i guess so im so lonely right now. i honestly feel like ive hit the brick wall. my life was better with her. just feels like 3 years with her was all for nothing, and ive got nothing to show for the last chunk of my life I can't be friends anytime soon because I really don't want to know about what she's up to, or if she's with someone else. Perhaps one day down the road when I no longer have any feelings about her I can be in touch, but that's a long way away.
Author Peter_pan Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 ah i see. well i know who she is with and for how long shes been with him. its odd it doesnt bother me like it used to. well unless i try and picture him cuddling up to her at night. i just wish things were different. i feel bad for going nc and staying out her life. we were good together
northstar1 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 ah i see. well i know who she is with and for how long shes been with him. its odd it doesnt bother me like it used to. well unless i try and picture him cuddling up to her at night. i just wish things were different. i feel bad for going nc and staying out her life. we were good together Most of wish things were different, that's why we found this place. But they aren't, and we can either accept that and deal with cards we've been dealt and move on with our lives, or we can remain stuck. See Peter, as long as you hold onto regret, you'll still be stuck thinking about the past. You need to let it go man. You broke up, she moved on, you did the right thing by going NC. No regrets. I know it's easy to look to the past and remember the good times and miss them.........but they are the past man, you can't go back there. RIght, she's got a new guy, who isn't you. Her loss mate, really and truly. You can't drive into the future and notice all the wonderful possibilities ahead of you, as long as your looking in the rearview mirror.
hopethisworks Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 You can't drive into the future and notice all the wonderful possibilities ahead of you, as long as your looking in the rearview mirror. So true...
Author Peter_pan Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 yeh well i no all that but somehow stuff isnt getting easier/ better i thought it was but clearly not. everything has turned to crap. she was my first love. i cant let go of her. thats just the way it is and probably always will be.. i dont think anyone forgets or lets there first love go from there heart;. it just isnt dooable
playlislay Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 Do you know what? After two months of being seperated from my ex (he dumped me-in a way?) Ive only just realised that I am totally and utterly in love with him. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. At first I thought it would pass and that I can find someone else to love in the same way, but tonight Ive realised that I honestly dont want ANYONE else in my life apart from him. Honestly. Sorry mate, I know youre trying to get over her but Im stating to become a firm believer of this 'true love' malarky, lol! Good luck!
foxh1234 Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 yeh well i no all that but somehow stuff isnt getting easier/ better i thought it was but clearly not. everything has turned to crap. she was my first love. i cant let go of her. thats just the way it is and probably always will be.. i dont think anyone forgets or lets there first love go from there heart;. it just isnt dooable Do you want to waste a year or two thinking this way ? What a total waste of your life pete. You say everything has turned to crap, but it is not her that has done that, it's you man. Your responsible for you and for your happiness. She is long gone. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and man up. Nothing will change for you until you look at yourself in the mirror and say ENOUGH OF THIS !!! That time has come. Enough of this pete, your better than this. We have all had first loves and we all got over them, you will too as soon as you stop living in the past. I wish you the very best, you know that. I would have stopped replying to you months ago if I didn't give a crap. Only you can stop this, do it now. She is not hurting you, you hurting yourself. Gotta go, ttyl pete
Ronni_W Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 i dont think anyone forgets or lets there first love go from there heart;. it just isnt dooable It doesn't feel "do-able" -- but that's not the same as it not being do-able. No, one doesn't forget...unless there is some type of amnesia or nervous system breakdown. But yes, the size of "heart space" that one holds for them certainly does diminish until it is the same as nothing. It takes a while but, at some point, it becomes a choice -- do I still want to wallow in my pain and grief, or do I want to maybe do something else? Perhaps thinking about her, and the past, and what was, is easier than thinking about what is going on in your current life -- are there any current fears and concerns that you're avoiding having to deal with by just keeping your focus on that rear view mirror?
Author Peter_pan Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 thanks for the replys, @play, yeh i know exactly how you feel on that. only mine has been much much longer and i have forgotten what the love felt like only i know its better than right now fox cheers dude. i know i am hurting myself but i cant help it lol. i just feel my life was better with her than it is now. and i feel like i screwed up. and its like driving me literally crazy with how little i have now than what i did. although a few months ago i was doing great. ronni your right, it does whittle down to this. i dont really think what was, as i wasnt the real me at the time i was under a lot of stress and she got to see the f'd up me. i more look at it as though yes it is easier looking at it rather than my current life. thats the problem there is "nothing" in my current life, i dont have a job, no gf, no friends, living with parents, no hobbie because i cant fund it. its like everything has gone wrong. i did have a rebound gf for a bit but it fizzled out quick and left me really questioning why the hell i went out with her. she was messed up and had so many problems. i think she was just using me and keeping on the low about her ex. and the fears and concerns are, i fear my future, im concerned i wont make it in life, i fear i will be lonely, i fear i will not find what i had with her. im concerned that she will do better than me. and i know your not supposed to compare anything but i do.
Ronni_W Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 and the fears and concerns are, i fear my future, im concerned i wont make it in life, i fear i will be lonely, i fear i will not find what i had with her. im concerned that she will do better than me. That's the tricky part -- cos actually, the MORE you stay thinking about (hiding in) the past your MORE you're gonna be feeding all those fears and concerns about your future. Your psyche will just get MORE and MORE anxious and freaked out, and be all, "HEY GUY...wtf is gonna be up with our future???" And the only way to help it calm down is to start making some very basic plans for your future. Couple of days or weeks later, see if you can make it more concrete. Some time after that, start listing steps that you need to do, in micro-detail. Then everyday just doing what you can to 'cross off' those details, one at a time. No pressure...just a leisurely, "Yep, I guess I can do that today (or by next Thursday, or whatever.)" If that doesn't sound like a plan...well, I'm gonna hafta post back and call you a pussy for just hiding in your past instead of confronting your future -- and I REALLY don't want to hafta do that!
D-Lish Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 Pete, at some point you really have to put this relationship behind you. It's been a really long time, and you know that you are not ever getting back together. You really have the reason for your break up all turned around in your head. The two of you were not happy at the time- YOU WEREN'T HAPPY IN THE RELATIONSHIP. You wanted to experience life, the two of you were drifting apart and fighting... You wanted space from her. You keep going back and idealizing everything, but you guys were not happy at the end. I think this has everything to do with the fact that she started dating someone so quickly. I'd bet that if that didn't happen- you wouldn't be obsessing over this so much. But you are obsessing- and it's a huge barrier to you moving on. What happened with your friends that caused them to book a vacation without you?
Author Peter_pan Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 thanks dee. i know i know . something in me though is telling me to be back with her and that i am a better person now. but i know that isnt going to happen so i wish it would f off. yeah i am obsessing and your right. if she didnt do that it would have been easier. my "friends" booked a holiday and didnt invite me. i did nothing wrong and have done nothing wrong. its got to do with this guy who obviously has it in for me. sounds like he has turned others against me for reasons i do not know. its the guy who kept trying to split me and my best mate up and seems like he has finally done it. well not split us up but certainly caused all this to happen. no way would they book a holiday and not tell me. my mate told me some people find me irritating he dosnt know how. and he hates having to be the bad guy and tell me. and he didnt want to tell me about the holiday incase i got upset or pissed off. and because some girls are going who have never even met me and because of my age (im 21 there 18-19) they thought it would be strange... and he was hoping i would have already booked a holiday with some other mates so that he didnt have to tell me. right... seems rather weak if you ask me but i know its probably to do with this guy who just constantly bitches and is jealous over other peoples friendships etc so yeah thats ****e
Ronni_W Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 You're right -- that thing about the age "difference" is just lame! But I would follow-up and try to find out exactly what those people are talking about, who find you "irritating" -- could be nothing over which you have control, but could be something that's become a habit that you're not even aware of.
Author Peter_pan Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 yeah but surely thats just really immature. i shouldn't even bother replying to the txt, i havnt. i should just move on. i suppose i could find out or try to. even if i did. then what would i do cause i wouldnt want to befriend them again. i would have to ask them how ive been annoying. again i havnt. even my mate said, i dont know how but you irritate some people and it ent my fault how they feel. i mean even the excuse "irritating" is just stupid. i know ive done nothing wrong, im not trying to be short sighted i have thought about it and i know somewhere someone is saying stuff to make me look bad. its not the first time thats happened. two occasions this guy has tried to accuse me of being all over my bm gf which is just total bs. even my best mate on one of the occasions said hes just like that and he knows it ent true
Author Peter_pan Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 Pete, at some point you really have to put this relationship behind you. It's been a really long time, and you know that you are not ever getting back together. You really have the reason for your break up all turned around in your head. The two of you were not happy at the time- YOU WEREN'T HAPPY IN THE RELATIONSHIP. You wanted to experience life, the two of you were drifting apart and fighting... You wanted space from her. You keep going back and idealizing everything, but you guys were not happy at the end. I think this has everything to do with the fact that she started dating someone so quickly. I'd bet that if that didn't happen- you wouldn't be obsessing over this so much. But you are obsessing- and it's a huge barrier to you moving on. What happened with your friends that caused them to book a vacation without you? your right, i wasnt happy. i wasnt happy with myself. for not knowing fully what it is that i wanted. now ive realised after all the time away from her that what we had is what i want. and it pains me so deep that i cant get that again and thats why i am stuck. all i wanted was to be back with her
Ronni_W Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 i wasnt happy with myself. for not knowing fully what it is that i wanted. now ive realised after all the time away from her that what we had is what i want. That is rough -- when we end up regretting that we made an important decision based only on what we knew and felt at that time. OTOH, you weren't psychic, and there was no other way to know what you now know EXCEPT to make your best-informed decision, back then. It's not to be afraid to take risks, but to do our best to brainstorm all the potential consequences, with the information that we do have. And to just decide to be okay with it, no matter how things turn out. But yes, sometimes our consequences DO suck the big one. Is there any consolation in the fact that you really did do what you thought, at the time, was in your best interests and would promote and support your happiness? Or. Have you brainstormed, as best you currently can, all the potential consequences of staying stuck in this place of regret and "looking backwards", and are you okay with all of those potential outcomes?
Author Peter_pan Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 That is rough -- when we end up regretting that we made an important decision based only on what we knew and felt at that time. OTOH, you weren't psychic, and there was no other way to know what you now know EXCEPT to make your best-informed decision, back then. It's not to be afraid to take risks, but to do our best to brainstorm all the potential consequences, with the information that we do have. And to just decide to be okay with it, no matter how things turn out. But yes, sometimes our consequences DO suck the big one. Is there any consolation in the fact that you really did do what you thought, at the time, was in your best interests and would promote and support your happiness? Or. Have you brainstormed, as best you currently can, all the potential consequences of staying stuck in this place of regret and "looking backwards", and are you okay with all of those potential outcomes? yeah at the time we both knew we needed some time out, we both didnt want to lose each other, so stayed in the same flat different rooms, things went well for a bit. then she obviously fell for this guy. and then there was no way back to her. although at the time she was hiding her feelings towards him. she even told me "hes just my manager" i dont fancy him. and she would tell me that she would never say never about us being back together. she even let me buy her underwear for x mass and said i could see her in them.... but she didnt want to be with me. ive had a deep thinking session ( yes i know not to dwell but i do ), and i realize that she was my best friend, the best person ive ever met. and its that what i miss, having her as my close friend. she understood me like no one else ever has. and honestly i felt like a big part of her family. i loved them as much as i loved her. they all loved me to . so yes at the time we brainstormed what would be in our best interests, we needed space. and i guess felt we needed to spread our wings. but for her to be with him right away and to still be with him after claiming to love me soo much, just dosnt register in my mind ive been stuck for ages so theres no difference. things were looking up for me around 5 months ago then it all crumbled after x mass. i thought 2009 could only get better but it hasnt. ive even lost a bunch of so called "friends" and when i emailed my ex i was hoping she would reply and we could get talking a bit again. i know i cant be with her but id like to not be a stranger to her. but i guess that dosnt matter anymore. she was clearly happy with her decision to date him straight away and turn it into something more serious oh and a side note i am Sick of feeling stuck. trust me i want to move on. and just be happy. im worried i will not find it again. hence being stuck.
Ronni_W Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 I'm not saying that some of our reality doesn't suck. Some of my own reality sucks, too -- I wish it was different. (And then maybe, I'd still be bitching and complaining about whatever the 'different' version of my reality is, who the eff knows?) But. I also recognize that it is MY "lesson" to learn to just accept whatever it is, that Reality is...cos even if I don't want to accept it, it still is what it is, right?) For me, I don't see anything inherently "wrong" with having a deep thinking session. In fact, that is what my own psyche is needing, about a few things. For me, it is more my own denial that I am NOT doing it. (Fear of what it will "tell" me, and not wanting to deal with all the crap of what it wants to tell me, etc.) For me, it is all fine. I'll get to it when I get to it. And in the meantime, I am just gonna do the best I can. It doesn't at all mean that I cannot be effective, meaningful, productive and supportive of all the OTHER areas of my life. Let's say that I'm not happy cos I'm stuck in the area of my 'health and fitness'. So, fine. I can still do 'relationships' just fine. Or. I'm stuck about 'relationships'. Screwitt. I can still do 'health and fitness' just fine. See what I mean? (Or am I rantin' and ramblin' and/or dwellin'? ) My point (I think) is that we are not just ONE area of our life. So, screw it. Forget about your romantic/sexual area. How are you doing in one or any or many of the OTHER areas???
Author Peter_pan Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 i see what your saying. other areas in my life were going well, and then took a big nose dive. i guess i feel crap because i miss her. and feel guilty that i didnt stay in contact. i feel like i got my closure talking to her after a year and finally saying all those things i wanted to say, granted i missed a few and was slightly drunk but still. and i also feel crap because yes she got with him right away and is still with him. its like i meant nothing to her, even though i know thats not true. i really dont get how she went out with him straight away and that they now live together and are happy. i was her best friend. i thought she loved me more than anything. and it hurt to see that change. i miss simple things like shopping for groceries in the supermarket, her smell etc. even when i saw her at x mass, she wanted to avoid talking to me and tried to go back and dance with her friend after talking to me for like a minute ! and she is clearly totally in love with her bf. i feel like i let myself down when i lost her. it hurts that she was so cold to me when it ended. and how she showed no remorse for her actions. in fact she plastered all over her myspace at how happy she was right now, whilst i was feeling like death. i feel like my head is going to explode. i miss her, hate her, love her, want her, dont want her. i dont think i deserve what she put me through and i dont believe its me doing it to myself, she screwed me up. and i had to deal with the best i could. i dont want to waste more time on her. i wish it would all go away. all im left with is memories of what used to be and how i didnt treasure it at the time.
Ronni_W Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 What I'm getting is that you were not "the" guy for her. And he, apparently, is (at least, at this time.) Sure. A blow to your ego. Now tell your ego to quit whining and throwing tantrums, and let you get back in the game of life. (Cos there is NOTHING else to do, that is sane and reasonable.) Any belief that you are NOT doing it to yourself, is coming from inaccurate other beliefs and perspectives, Peter. You are in total control of your own thoughts, feelings, perspectives, etc. That is the beauty of being human...we ARE in control of our own thoughts, feelings, perspectives, etc. No matter what other BS we want to tell ourselves.
Author Peter_pan Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 yeah and in my mind that makes him better than me. why do i always have to be outdone.
headlesschicken Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 it might sound silly, but the "gap" that she filled is part of your ego. it has nothing to do with HER, per se. you're searching outside for something that can only come from you--peace with your existence. it can only be filled by finding another person (not addressing the problem) or by realizing that no person can make you whole, happy or any of that. its a rough lesson but accepting it will give you the wholeness you seek.
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