TrustInYourself Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 I know this topic has come up in the past, yet I want some current opinions on how to address tantrums in a 2 year old girl. My daughter is typically very well behaved. However, on occassions she will go off. I'm talking epic tantrums that last for 20-30 minutes. We've tried not to feed into this by ignoring the behavior, and trying to redirect or put her into time out. This has been increasingly difficult, because she just continues to escalate and this makes me visibly impatient and somewhat disturbed. I can not handle my child going nuts for 20-30 mins over something that she typically will just ask politely for. My biggest issue is that I come from a background where spanking was the norm. I was spanked. My wife and I have agreed not to spank her. I have to resist with every fiber in my being not to spank her when she is acting like this. I've been trying to redirect, console, and talk her out of it; to no avail. My wife is getting angry with me because I do not just ignore her completely and let her self-cope. I'm sorry, but I feel like, if my kid is going to go off on a tantrum for 20 or 30 mins, I need to get involved. We've argued on this recently and it's boiled down to me being wrong. I need to do what she is asking, rather than doing what I feel is right. I've made compromises, (she feels I have not) yet it's never enough. What are your thoughts on this? I know this is something of a phase, I just do not want a brat who thinks she can throw a tantrum and get what she wants. Is that wrong to think? I don't know, but it's affecting my relationship with my wife and it's hard for me to concede in matters of discipline in regards to my daughter.
Trialbyfire Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Tantrums are intended to solicit attention whether it's positive or negative attention. Ignore her, otherwise what you're doing is self-defeating.
Author TrustInYourself Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 Tantrums are intended to solicit attention whether it's positive or negative attention. Ignore her, otherwise what you're doing is self-defeating. What about in public places like grocery stores? What about if her behavior is self-injuring (slamming her face into the side of a table)? What if she is kicking and punching me?
Meaplus3 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Sounds like your in the throws of the "Terrible Twos" I've been there 3 times myself. If you have tried time out and that's not working.. then it sounds to me like she is not taken you seriously. How long are you putting her in time out? and where? Because if you send a child to their room that does not accomplish much. They can sit in their room and play instead of thinking about their behavior. I used a little chair and put it in the corner of my family room. Then would send my child to the chair for a few minutes. I did not back down. I stood my ground.. and my child got the hint. Most important don't back down. Stand your ground and be firm but loving at the same time. And you and your wife need to be on the same page. If your little one see's one giving in and the other standing firm, then you will confuse your child and she will go to the parent that gives in the next time she plans to act out. Overall, I would not worry to much 2 is young and it's normal for your little girl to have tantrums. My 4 year old will still have one from time to time. So remember this will not last forever. Mea:)
Trialbyfire Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 What about in public places like grocery stores? What about if her behavior is self-injuring (slamming her face into the side of a table)? What if she is kicking and punching me?Say it's in a restaurant. I would take her outside to the car and isolate her. As for self-punishment, you're supposed to isolate them in relatively safe places where you can see them but at the same time, ignore them. You shouldn't be close enough for her to attack you. That's all part of the punishment. No contact.
Moose Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 I'm sorry, but, YOU are the HUSBAND! You are to lead your family. DO NOT SPARE THE ROD! If you love your daughter, (and it sounds like you do) SPANK HER....and if your wife doesn't like it, tough doo doo! Spank her next! One thing though, when you are forced to spank, first you want to be calm. Second, you explain to your daughter why she's being spanked, (even if you have to talk over her tantrum) and lastly, explain again AFTER the discipline has been administerd..and let her know that you love her....then leave her alone by herself to think a while.... I hope I didn't offend you with my response, (being the husband that does what the wifey says)....
Author TrustInYourself Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 Ok we are doing this and it's relatively effective. I put her in a corner where I can see her and it's safe. I don't just isolate her in her room, I put her in a pre-established area she knows that means time-out. She actually will put herself in the corner sometimes. However, there are times where there is no corner, so what is the alternative? I'll pick her up from slamming her face into the carpet and she'll scratch my face and hit me on the head. What's the recourse there? It's getting moderately more intense and frequent where she will hit me harder and more often. That gets a reaction out of me sometimes. Sometimes I just ignore it and tell her gently not to hit me. I guess consistency plays a part here. Her mother and I are not on the same page. I get attacked for bringing up spankings, so I will no longer do so. I feel angry and depressed to know that my feelings on discipline mean less and less. I feel like my opinion and thoughts on her behavior are meaningless, yet when she is uncontrollable or acting out, it's on me to "handle" her. It's tension that I do not like handling, because it always becomes my fault. Talking about it, just increases my negativity about the situation.
Trialbyfire Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 I'll pick her up from slamming her face into the carpet and she'll scratch my face and hit me on the head. What's the recourse there? It's getting moderately more intense and frequent where she will hit me harder and more often. That gets a reaction out of me sometimes. Sometimes I just ignore it and tell her gently not to hit me. Many children slam their faces into the carpet or against the crib or walls. You let them.
Author TrustInYourself Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 I'm sorry, but, YOU are the HUSBAND! You are to lead your family. DO NOT SPARE THE ROD! If you love your daughter, (and it sounds like you do) SPANK HER....and if your wife doesn't like it, tough doo doo! Spank her next! One thing though, when you are forced to spank, first you want to be calm. Second, you explain to your daughter why she's being spanked, (even if you have to talk over her tantrum) and lastly, explain again AFTER the discipline has been administerd..and let her know that you love her....then leave her alone by herself to think a while.... I hope I didn't offend you with my response, (being the husband that does what the wifey says).... Trust me, my instincts as a father tell me to do this. However, that is not the agreement me and my wife have and I love and respect her opinion. On the otherhand, you understand my problem. I feel like I should spank her for hitting me repeatedly after I tell her not to hit me. Yet, I do not do so. I'm not offended. I need to know what people think. I prefer to use the opinion of people who have older kids who are well behaved, well adjusted, and who have kids who are respectful and sharp. I don't want opinions from people whose kids do whatever they want.
Author TrustInYourself Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 Many children slam their faces into the carpet or against the crib or walls. You let them. Is this not as barbaric as spanking your children? I refuse to let my child harm herself over a tantrum. That's irresponsible and I'm not sure I'm going to trust your future advice knowing you willingly allow your children to hurt themselves to prove a point.
Trialbyfire Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Is this not as barbaric as spanking your children? I refuse to let my child harm herself over a tantrum. That's irresponsible and I'm not sure I'm going to trust your future advice knowing you willingly allow your children to hurt themselves to prove a point. You give your child no credit. They're not stupid and won't hurt themselves badly unless there's some mental illness involved. Sure, they can hurt themselves by being irresponsible while playing or being curious but when in a tantrum, they won't go beyond a few bruises. No worries, my advice is free to take or ignore. I have no children, just experience with children, even handicapped ones.
Author TrustInYourself Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 Have a kid and let me know how it feels to watch them smash their face on the ground while screaming at the top of their lungs for 20 minutes. There is a major difference between working with kids and having kids. I've done both, as well.
Geishawhelk Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 OK, a few practical questions: How long has this child been manifesting this behaviour? has she been checked out for any mental problems? I'm not talking schizoid, but maybe there could be asperger's syndrome, or even mild autism.... A child harming themselves may be indicative of frustration and anger at 'not being heard'.... Psychologically speaking, I am given to understand that it's around the age of 18months - 2 years, that children begin to become spatially aware. That is to say, before that time, they have no comncept of physical separation, because the situation has never entered into their mind-frame. They have never comprehended it in the way older people do, because it's not something they have been geared towards doing, or mature enough to absorb. Consequently, they begin to realise the reality of actually being a physical different person to their mother/parent. This jars their existence. They begin to compute that not only are they a physically separate entity to their mother/carer, but that this separate person to them has a different will pattern to their own. Previously, they cried, the person attended to them. They were hungry - they got fed. They pooped - their nappy got changed. They were tired - they got put to bed. There was no separation. Their need was responded to, without any thought of there being a different scenario.... Now, it's a different story. So suddenly, they realise they no longer command the same control over their situation, and the lack or delay in response is both frightening and frustrating. Every animal's instinct is to survive. I know that sounds basic, but we're talking about a tiny child, who has been experiencing brand new, never-before-seen things, every day. Stuff we now take completely for granted, through their ears and eyes is a big whole new deal to think about. This child's instinct is to survive, by getting its needs met. For reasons best known to her, these needs are not being met, but she doesn't see it as irrational, unreasonable and bad behaviour. She doesn't know the word 'tantrum' let alone 'twos' or 'terrible'.... All she knows is that she wants, but she's not getting. Think about getting her checked for a psychological disorder. And think about how she sees things, but how she can best learn what will work, and what won't.....
Moose Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Trust me, my instincts as a father tell me to do this. However, that is not the agreement me and my wife have and I love and respect her opinion. On the otherhand, you understand my problem. I feel like I should spank her for hitting me repeatedly after I tell her not to hit me. Yet, I do not do so. I'm not offended. I need to know what people think. I prefer to use the opinion of people who have older kids who are well behaved, well adjusted, and who have kids who are respectful and sharp. I don't want opinions from people whose kids do whatever they want.We have 6 children, one of which is no longer with us. Their ages range from 21 to 10. Yes, I do know what I'm talking about. I know you love your daughter, and you love your wife, both unconditionally....HOWEVER, opinions on raising your children is YOUR responsibility regardless what your wife may think. I'm somewhat biased because I base the way our family lives from a biblical point of view. Your wife is to be your, "Help mate" and is non-negotiable. If you have to re-nig on your agreement, you can respectfully do so with gentleness and kindness. Nobody likes change, but your situation requires it.....just my .02....
Moose Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Is this not as barbaric as spanking your children?Spanking is FAR from barbaric when conducted properly. In fact, it's love that you're administrating. You are not hurting your child when you spank them calmly. If you spank out of anger, that's a beating and I don't agree with beating children....that's reserved for teen-agers.....
Storyrider Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 There is another approach aside from ignoring, which is definitely an option, but with a two-yr-old, maybe not the best one. Another way is to take her in both your arms, sit down with her and hug and hold her. Sometimes she will hit and scratch you at first, so you may have to initially use a bear hug that is somewhat restraining, but speak in comforting soothing words, tell her you love her and that you want to help her calm down. work with her this way and she may settle down. When very small children have tantrums, it is possible that they are being manipulative, but at other times they just don't know how to express the intense anger and fatigue and frustration they are feeling. They also may feel rejected and alone. Just a suggestion to try.
Green Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 From what I've heard spanking and hurting and scaring little children isn't a good way to teach them right from wrong. I remember when I was a kid getting spanked and mostly it was just humiliating and seriously taught me nothing. Maybe if you read some kind of parenting book that some one could recomend to you worked on their children it would help u, srry I have no kids or I'm sure I'd have the book to recomend cause I'll be reading them if I have kids one day
Eve Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 The main practical tip I can pass on which worked with my children is simply to talk to them. For example, make sure the ground rules are agreed before going anywhere and that she has her little routine as well which you help out with. I told my children that there was a 'naughty room' in shops which pretty much halted any displays because they didnt want to go there.. If my children misbehaved whilst out I would threaten to throw away whatever was bought. I only had to say this a couple of times, never had to actually do it. They knew that I would follow through .. Yeah, find some reading material too to help you with ideas. I hope this stops soon because she could end up being rejected by her peers, which can lead to long-term problems. .. All in all she sounds very spoilt. I spanked my children a few times for unacceptable behaviour - but I believe in breaking the will to do [things] when they are young. Regards, Eve xx
sb129 Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 .HOWEVER, opinions on raising your children is YOUR responsibility regardless what your wife may think. Your wife is to be your, "Help mate" and is non-negotiable. If you have to re-nig on your agreement, you can respectfully do so with gentleness and kindness. . With respect, I TOTALLY disagree with this. Why should I, the main breadwinner and the person who actually is going through nine months of pregnancy, (not to mention labour at the end of it) sit back and leave all the parenting decisions to my husband once our child arrives? I agree that the parents should be on the same page regarding parenting, as children will sense differences and play on that, but for the husband to be the absolute rulemaker? Doesn't the wifes opinion count for anything? Isn't marriage and parenting about partnership and compromise, and equality?
blind_otter Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 HOWEVER, opinions on raising your children is YOUR responsibility regardless what your wife may think. I'm somewhat biased because I base the way our family lives from a biblical point of view. Your wife is to be your, "Help mate" and is non-negotiable. If you have to re-nig on your agreement, you can respectfully do so with gentleness and kindness. Nobody likes change, but your situation requires it.....just my .02.... In my house, we have a rule that I usually trump my S/O in childrearing decisions because I am the primary caregiver and I actually have to deal with my son much, much more than his father does. He says that if he were telling me what to do with our son all the time it would be like me telling him what to do at his job - it just doesn't make sense. We do talk about things to get on the same page, but honestly almost every major decision about our son made by me is backed by days if not weeks/months of child development research. It's not like I'm pulling this stuff out of my ass. That said, I think spanking is barbaric and unnecessary. I was beaten as a child, it did nothing to improve my behavior and only made me afraid of my mother. I just learned to lie to her a lot instead of actually knowing in my heart that I should do the right thing. It has taken several years for us to reconcile and to this day I am not able to get really close to her and have a normal, loving relationship.
sb129 Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 In my house, we have a rule that I usually trump my S/O in childrearing decisions because I am the primary caregiver and I actually have to deal with my son much, much more than his father does. He says that if he were telling me what to do with our son all the time it would be like me telling him what to do at his job - it just doesn't make sense. We do talk about things to get on the same page, but honestly almost every major decision about our son made by me is backed by days if not weeks/months of child development research. It's not like I'm pulling this stuff out of my ass. This makes perfect sense and is what my H and i will do too hopefully. He will be the primary caregiver for a short time when I return to work, so I guess in that instance it stands to reason that he may have to make decisions then, but thats because of that, not because he is the "man of the house".
Kenyth Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 Spanking is FAR from barbaric when conducted properly. In fact, it's love that you're administrating. You are not hurting your child when you spank them calmly. If you spank out of anger, that's a beating and I don't agree with beating children....that's reserved for teen-agers..... Moose, you're a good hearted christian guy and mean the best I'm sure, but every professional child study conducted points to spanking as counter productive in the end. It forces compliance in the short term, but doesn't stimulate the necessary cognitive processes for progress towards permanent behavior change. It does this at the cost of fear and anxiety. It can also instill more aggressive attitudes and behaviors in chldren. It's better to uphold the rule of "nice touches" and use more effective positive/negative reinforcement and non-physical punishment techniques. They're more work and money intensive, but provide much better long term results. In this sense, the rod you speak of is used like the shepherd's crook, guiding our children.
Kenyth Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 That said, I think spanking is barbaric and unnecessary. I was beaten as a child, it did nothing to improve my behavior and only made me afraid of my mother. I just learned to lie to her a lot instead of actually knowing in my heart that I should do the right thing. It has taken several years for us to reconcile and to this day I am not able to get really close to her and have a normal, loving relationship. At least you know what's better now Otter. Kudos on that. Sometimes, spanking has the bad effect of not seeming wrong when you reach adulthood. The fact that you were spanked makes you think it's OK to do it to your kids. I was spanked with belts and cooking spoons as a child and never thought much of it. It was common old school parenting back then.
SierraRose Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 I am a single mother of a well behaived, polite 8 year old boy. My son threw a tantrum ONCE...in the middle of the toy store. I did not scoop him up and lovingly hold him, polite soft words....I didn't drop my things and leave...I did not spank him...I stood there...right over him and said in a stern voice.."Get it all out,lemmie know when u r done so we can finish up and get out of here...and by the way, now..NO you are not getting a thing." I waited with my arms folded. Parents were staring at me, I didn't care... Point is, he saw it got him no where but lying on the floor with people staring at him. I tried (and still do) not to be a yeller, IMO after a while I can only yell so loud and eventually it will fall on deaf ears. He knows when I raise my voice, the fear of God is in his eyes--he knows I mean business. I never spanked, always time out. I tell him the sooner you calm down, the sooner you can move from the chair. Once time out is up, I explain why the behaivor is unacceptable. Period.. Test me...go ahead.. Now I know one day he will test me...so far, so good...lol Don't really have a game plan the day he does...lol but he doesn't know that!! Good luck!
Recommended Posts