Author entityzero Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 Nikki thanks! Such simple yet practical advice that i think i can actually try and work on. I have actually done that sometimes to some extent , or reasoned with myself that he might be s**t at everything i was great at. But I WILL try put a negative spin on EVERYTHING yeah. I wouldn't be surprised if he is s**t at everything anyway.
Scottdmw Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 "Of course, keeping in mind that your healing is gonna come from reframing your current beliefs about what "he deserves" or that the only thing that will really resolve this for you is if they split up. That's the deeper cognitive stuff. This is just a tool to help you get out of what has become your habitual mental focus/activity."' Can you elaborate on this? Im not sure I understand. What do you mean by reframing my beliefs on what he deserves?? He deserves DEATH! As far as im concerened anyway. Nothing can make me change my mind about that. I went through an experience very similar to yours two years ago. It's really awful I know! I think you might benefit from examining your ideas about what your "mate" deserves. it's perfectly understandable to be extremely angry at him. But, be careful with using language like "he deserves something awful". Cognitive Behavioral Therapy says that sometimes thoughts create emotions. Your mental judgment about what someone else deserves can actually cause you to either get angry or not. A good example for me is driving. If someone does something and I convince myself that it was "wrong", I get angry. If on the other hand I succeed in realizing that it was only wrong according to some arbitrary standard I set, I don't get angry. I'm not saying what your mate did wasn't wrong. I'm saying it's dangerous to you to pass judgement on what he deserves. If you really think about it you may realize that it is difficult to know how a given person felt in a given situation, fully taking into account all their life experiences, pain that they suffered, limitations on their ability to make good judgements, etc. How many times in your life have you done something you later realized was wrong, which you eventually convinced yourself was understandable given your situation? Try to give others this same benefit of the doubt. If you let your thoughts take you to a place where he deserves death, your emotions will try to follow your thoughts and make you angry. I think you're more likely to get to a place of peace and happiness yourself if you try your best to forgive the wrongs you feel have been done to you. It's a decision, not a decision to excuse them or make what they did not wrong, but to decide that you're not going to continue to hold a grudge against them. It's a decision you make for your own peace of mind, not to help them. Best of Luck, Scott
Trialbyfire Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Another way of addressing negative emotions is to turn the attitude around as follows: What can I do about this? Nothing.What good is this type of looping? There's nothing beneficial for me, if anything it only hurts me, and gives someone else power over my life, someone who doesn't have my best interests in mind.So why am I doing this to myself? No one enjoys the feeling of loss of control in their lives. When cheated on, not only is it the worst betrayal of love, it also shatters self-esteem, pride and ego.Hang on there, so am I allowing someone else to define who I am? I know I'm the same person I've always been, someone worth loving and being part of a great relationship.So what caused her to cheat, then, if I'm solid? A cheater is usually a broken individual in that they lack functional coping tools. In lacking functional coping tools, they look externally for validation.Hold it, so why do I love this person, who lacks inner strength and identity? Hell if I know. Not only do they lack the strength, they're also extremely selfish and a coward. Someone with strength and proper coping tools would have walked away first, if things had deteriorated to the point of non-viability.Okay, I can see that there's no real reason to continue loving her, so why don't I stop this self-punishment and find someone who's worth my time and emotion? Good idea!
marlena Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 You're lucky you have found that happy place in your head, the first thought I had about me and my happy place was lying on the couch with my ex in our place... My advice for quick and permanent relief? Go out and find someone to bring home to your couch. I am serious. It works wonders.
Star Gazer Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Another way of addressing negative emotions is to turn the attitude around as follows: What can I do about this? Nothing.What good is this type of looping? There's nothing beneficial for me, if anything it only hurts me, and gives someone else power over my life, someone who doesn't have my best interests in mind.So why am I doing this to myself? No one enjoys the feeling of loss of control in their lives. When cheated on, not only is it the worst betrayal of love, it also shatters self-esteem, pride and ego.Hang on there, so am I allowing someone else to define who I am? I know I'm the same person I've always been, someone worth loving and being part of a great relationship.So what caused her to cheat, then, if I'm solid? A cheater is usually a broken individual in that they lack functional coping tools. In lacking functional coping tools, they look externally for validation.Hold it, so why do I love this person, who lacks inner strength and identity? Hell if I know. Not only do they lack the strength, they're also extremely selfish and a coward. Someone with strength and proper coping tools would have walked away first, if things had deteriorated to the point of non-viability.Okay, I can see that there's no real reason to continue loving her, so why don't I stop this self-punishment and find someone who's worth my time and emotion? Good idea! Wow. That's pretty solid advice.
PinkToes Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 There's a ton of good advice here; wish I'd found it years ago! A long time ago, I got dumped for a woman my ex had an affair with, and I was totally consumed with painful thoughts -- mostly anger. No matter what I was doing, it would just rise up in me sometimes, and I didn't know what to do with it. So I let the thoughts take me wherever they wanted. It was bad. A therapist told me that if the thoughts came up at a bad time, I should picture myself putting them on a shelf, to be dealt with later. I had a hard time with that. I seemed to have this crazy idea that spending time thinking about all the stuff that came up was a good thing, that it would help me heal, because I could let it all go. In hindsight, I am amazed (and annoyed) that I wasted so much time. It soooo wasn't worth it; he wasn't worth it. The pain I was putting myself through is what upset the balance between his ability to move on, and mine. He wasn't causing me pain, I was doing it to myself. He later cheated on the woman he cheated on me with, but by then, I really didn't care. But it was obvious that by dwelling on every painful thought that came into my mind, I wasn't doing myself a bit of good. And yeah, now I wish I had all that wasted mental energy back. I know that doesn't help when you're in the moment. But it's true, so maybe keep that in the back of your mind. What has helped me this time around is saying to myself, "I don't have to think about that right now." Changing it up in my head, and then focusing on something else outside of myself. Like you, I can't necessarily think about something else that's more pleasant, but I can put the spiralling thoughts aside long enough to pick up a book or search the internet or do something else that requires a focus outside of my own thoughts. All you're doing is putting the thought aside long enough to engage in something else. Maybe it won't work every time, but the more often you are able to break the obsessive thought pattern, the easier it will get. I'm guessing you're having the nightmares about them because those thoughts are taking up too much of your waking hours. So when you can give yourself a break during the day, the nights should get easier too. I feel for you; I hate that space too. But you'll get there.
marlena Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Also a change of scenery helps. If you can, take some time off and get away, preferably to another country where everything is new and exciting. It will take your mind off your troubles and make you see that, in the general scheme of things, your problem is not that big after all.
Author entityzero Posted March 9, 2009 Author Posted March 9, 2009 Guys it means so much to me that my problems have sparked this interesting and valuable conversation, i appreciate all your input i will read and re-read it and i hope it gives other people insight aswell. I have been trying my hardest to break any patterns of obsessive thought but i guess i just DO obsess over things normally so when stuff like this happens I find it so hard to stop it, I just took so many blows, losing my girl, my house and my mate in the space of a couple of weeks backed up by the sneaking around, the lies and in the end betrayal, its just all a little hard to deal with, and as much as I will try the techniques listed here Im still in a really dark place about this. Marlena thanks for your advice but i've already taken a two trip overseas AND been seeing another girl casually and while yes both of them helped im STILL not over my ex, and have been unable to commit to this new girl even though there are a million things I see in her that I didnt see in my ex, its just the jealousy of my "mate" being with her now that keeps me stuck in this loop of hate. Im not a violent man and he's lucky or I would gone round there and actively pursued tearing his throat out with my bare hands. Maybe i'll keep updating this post after every session with my psych as kind of a journal and maybe it will help others going through or thinking about going through some therapy... its just the waiting between sessions thats the hard part, how can I get all my s**t out and work on it in 1 hour session? Its cruel when he says times up for the week, i instantly feel lost again. Oh yeah, its my birthday tomorrow, I know my ex will at least txt me, maybe call, im scared, I do and dont want to hear from her, its my birthday why the hell would I wanna talk to someone who hurt me so much, yet, I loved her so much and shared some good birthdays with her it would almost feel weird and sad not too AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
PinkToes Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 So Happy Birthday!! Can you hear all your new LS friends singing?? OK so we're a little off key, we haven't been practicing much lately. I hope you're able to do something fun; even if it's kind of difficult, get out of the house and do something just for you. Anything that makes you remember this birthday as something unique and not just the first one without the ex. Get a massage, get a tattoo, kiss a total stranger. Do something physically exhausting outside. Then kiss a total stranger. ;-) And stay away from the phone, turn it off if you can. I hope something totally unexpected brings a smile to your face!
949GuitarDude Posted March 10, 2009 Posted March 10, 2009 That's pretty sh**ty of your friend to do that to you. I would never do that to a friend of mine. Perhaps you should consider beating the everliving crap out of him and taking her back. If that doesn't work, you could save that money on the therapist(they're all quacks anyway) and find a new chick to take out, or even perhaps buy the old one a nice diamond.
Author entityzero Posted March 10, 2009 Author Posted March 10, 2009 Yeah you're right guitardude it was a pretty f**king terrible thing to do hey? To say the f**king least and if I ever see him out im afraid what I might do, I decided not to go round and hunt him down as.. A) I've never been a violent person anyway so im not gauranteed victory B) Im taking the high road and being the better man by keeping my f**king dignity, its the last thing those two have C) I dont think attempting to kick the s**t out of him would make her come back to me anyway Also, here in Oz we have good mental health care cover and my first 6 sessions are FREE! Plus I am seeing another girl casually already, just having a hard time dealing with a double betrayal. Plus my ex hated diamonds, she's not a girly girl and would probably prefer if I bought her vampire teeth or the complete collection of the Satanic Verses books, im serious. It's my birthday today im s**t scared i'll hear from my ex, I dont want to but if I dont I know i'll be upset too! I CANT WIN HERE
Author entityzero Posted March 11, 2009 Author Posted March 11, 2009 So she texted me.. A short simple text, no call, but not nothing. It read "happy birthday! hope your not working and you have a wicked day :)" Is that it? But what did i expect? I dont know. Why did she even bother? Because of her im trying NOT to have a s**t day. Should i reply? How do i handle this situation?
Mittens Posted March 13, 2009 Posted March 13, 2009 You don't reply. And you change your mobile number, so she can't contact you no more. Seriously, it will the best thing you ever do...consider it a late birthday present to yourself. I know it's a pain in the ass having to give your new number out to everyone else, but believe me, it's a big step in getting over this. Only NC works - it's such a cliche, I know...but like most cliches, it's one because it is true.
Author entityzero Posted March 15, 2009 Author Posted March 15, 2009 Guys im going insane!! Everytime i think im getting better and getting over my ex, i have cruel cruel dreams about her and us. I've had dreams where she screams in my face that she doesnt love me anymore, dreams where I watch her and my "mate" making out and im trying to stop her, dreams where she says she wont leave him but wants to f**k me casually.. I wake up in a cold sweat and feel so bad all day, i just want to forget, i dont want to care anymore but the extreme jealousy i feel that someone i trusted is now with her just builds and builds and im worried im gonna snap and hunt him down for blood... Is it her I miss? Or just the idea of her, do i just miss what we had or am i still genuinely f**ked up over her? I've been trying NC but she owes me money and still has some of my stuff so i've been trying to get her to contact me, she says she will but doesnt so it just plays over and over about what shes doing and why she doesnt call... I hate the fact she's "happy" with him when I would've given her my world, now my world feels empty... It's been four months, why cant i forget??
carhill Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 You can earn more money and buy more stuff. Trust me, that's the easiest part
carhill Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 Forget about the money and the stuff. It's irrelevant. Stop contacting her.
Author entityzero Posted March 16, 2009 Author Posted March 16, 2009 Its over a grand and no i wont forget on principle, i lent it to her after we broke up (stupidly)... but what she did after we broke up means i'll never let her keep it, i want it back along with my dignity.. And the stuff are books that mean alot to me.. I just miss her gorgeous body in my arms...
Crestfallen_KH Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 It's been four months, why cant i forget?? Because it's only been four months. I know, it seems like a long time, but it's really not. The fact that you have the capacity to love this deeply is truly a gift. Don't let her take that away from you, and just accept that it's going to be a long ride. If she hadn't meant anything to you, yeah, you'd be over it. But don't get impatient with the length of time it's taking. You're going to grieve as long as you grieve.
Author entityzero Posted March 26, 2009 Author Posted March 26, 2009 Hey all hope everyones doing well, its been just over 4 months now since my ex tore my heart out and threw it to the dogs.. It's been the toughest few months of my life, ive broken up with girls before but this was insanely bad.. So I thought id just update on how im going at the psychologists and life in general and hopefully it will give people who are fresh out of a break up some hope. Im doing better. The psych's has helped me alot, he has made me see that my ex could never have loved me like i need to be loved, that its her faults and her background and upbringing that makes her act the way she does.. It's really made me feel like i've dodged a bullet and im now free to live my life the way i want and not compromise myself to be with one person. I still miss her alot and the betrayal that i felt from her and my "mate" are still hard to deal with, but i've been seeing a lovely girl that i used to know in school who i can tell has the ability to love me back, and I know she'll never screw me over like my ex did. I've been completely open and honest with her about my situation, my head, my heart and the pyschologists and she couldn't be more supportive if she tried. So i guess my point is that even when you are at the lowest you can go, and the pain and the heartache stay with you 24/7, that it DOES get easier if you want it to. Meanwhile, my ex still has all her issues and problems, she never took the time to address anything before jumping in with someone new, whereas i have learnt from the pain and am slowly becoming myself again. Yes it still hurts sometimes, but i've worked so SO hard to find my inner strength and get through this terrible period. I'd like to thank EVERYONE who has read my posts and replied and I wish you all the best of luck in you're healing. Everyone on here is a saint and I owe you all for life, thankyou.
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