So my therapist said...

[entityzero]

So i've finally got my sad ass into therapy, im having alot of trouble with the mental images of my ex having sex with my mate who she hooked up like...really quick after we broke up..

Every night I dream about her or them or him laughing in my face, every spare moment in my day I think about how much I miss her and all the times we had, we shared a place together and I thought everything was great..

I invested so much of myself in her that I feel a massive empty hole in my heart..

 

So my therapist gave me some really interesting advice, even though im not sure how to put it into practice.

He suggested that whatever pain im feeling, or the thoughts of trying to make sense of everything, should be put aside and dealt with later when im more healed..

Like, its ok to acknowledge I feel like s**t, but to give myself a break from thinking about it, it sounds like a good idea, but how do you do it?

Has anyone else been able to literally stop their thoughts and work on them another time?

It's been over 4 months since we broke up yet not a spare second of my day isnt spent thinking about her in some way..

She put me through so much pain yet all I want to do is have her in my life.

How do I put his advice into practice??

I cant wait til my next appointment with him to figure out how to actually put these terrible thoughts aside!

[Meaplus3]

So my therapist gave me some really interesting advice, even though im not sure how to put it into practice.

He suggested that whatever pain im feeling, or the thoughts of trying to make sense of everything, should be put aside and dealt with later when im more healed..

 

 

Hmmmm.. that is interesting. I would tend to think that the way to deal with the pain would be to talk about it and get it all out sooner rather then later. I guess to me this does not make much sense:confused:. How did you feel when he mentioned this?

 

Mea:)

[Ronni_W]

How do I put his advice into practice??

It sometimes is helpful to interrupt a never ending "loop" of non-productive or obsessive thoughts, just to give your mind a break.

 

I'm sure your therapist will be able to recommend specific techniques. In the meantime, you could Google "mindfulness practices" or "how to manage my thoughts" (or something like that.)

 

The 'power pause' is one tool that some find helpful: http://www.richbits.com/RBArchives/45sRB_powerpause.htm

[carhill]

OP, personally, I'd find another therapist. IMO, if your thoughts and dreams are as vivid and painful as you share, I'd suggest a psychologist, who is better trained and can refer to a psychiatrist if meds are indicated.

 

IME, the best way to handle such realities is to modify the cognitive processes that you apply to the emotions. Accept rather than repress or ignore.

 

I have to tell you, understanding my own psychology, with the help of our psychologist MC, as well as accepting the differences my wife and I have, has gone a long way to helping me heal. Embrace the emotion as the powerful motivator it is. Do not fear or loathe it. It is you. It is your existence and your future. You're in charge of you.

 

It will get better

[Ronni_W]

A never-ending loop of non-productive thought patterns IS a cognitive process, and learning how to manage that IS part of cognitive therapy .

 

entityzero, possibly you could double-check with your therapist exactly what he meant, and how he intends/expects his suggestion to work for you.

 

Where I've received (therapist's) advice to "think about something else for a change," I certainly did not interpret it as them suggesting to "ignore, deny and minimize". It was about meta-thinking -- for me to think about what I was thinking about, and then learn/practice how to manage my cognitive processes better -- similar to the goals of mindfulness meditation...self-management of my "mind chatter" or taming my "monkey mind".

[entityzero]

Yeah i should of been more clear he is actually a psychologist, when he told me about that technique i didnt take it as bottling up or suppressing my emotions, i've definately done enough talking and getting things out with friends and family so I kind of took it as a way to get relief from my never ending loop of bad thoughts.

I guess in my next session we will discuss how to practice this but the hour ran out pretty quick since my story is fairly long..i just kept talking.

I got a good vibe from him and felt comfortable talking to him so i'll keep it up, i just wondered if anyone else has had this advice or came to it on their own?

 

The only other way to numb or stop the thoughts and feelings is to get into drugs and alcohol and while i do enjoy these very rarely I really need to take the productive route instead of self-destruction.

This is what my ex is doing, looking for quick fixes instead of dealing with the pain of us ending.

Hooking up with someone else quickly, getting high all the time, bottling all her feelings up.. cant be good for her im sure..

 

But yeah until my next session, i feel like im stuck in this limbo where i know what i need to do but dont know how to do it!

It's been a while since we broke up, why do i have to deal with all the pain and she can just hook up with my "mate" and not give a s**t? Or does she? AAAAH!! I just wish i knew exactly how she feels now the dust has settled!

When i last spoke to her she said she wanted to call me to wish me a good trip when i went away for a couple of weeks, why would she want to do that if she didnt care?

Is she really happy with that loser? Or did she just need SOMEONE there?

I wish we could of worked through things, then that person could of been me

[era]

He suggested that whatever pain im feeling, or the thoughts of trying to make sense of everything, should be put aside and dealt with later when im more healed..

Like, its ok to acknowledge I feel like s**t, but to give myself a break from thinking about it

 

Interesting....only way I was able to heal from a similar break-up was to ALLOW myself to feel like s**t.

[entityzero]

Im so freaking sick of feeling like s**t.

I miss her so much even though I know I should be trying to break that pattern.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I know exactly what you're talking about entityzero, and your therapist had good advice: Acknowledge that you feel like crap, but learn ways to halt the "mind tapes" that play mindlessly and obessively in your head so you can go about your day.

 

Here's a snippet of advice I gave in another thread. I hope it helps. Chin up - your mind will start calming down eventually.

 

This is what I would do when I found that I was obsessively replaying a conversation over in my head, a scene that had occurred (or that I wish had occurred) or a conversation that I WANTED to have with my ex-husband...

 

I'd bring it from the realm of the subconscious to the conscious. When the "mind tapes" would start up, I'd stop and say to myself "Oh, ok...obviously you want to spend time on this today. So, how much time d'ya think you'll need? Another 10 minutes? 30? How much time should I expect to be donating to this worthless practice today?"

 

Some days, I'd think "Well, I need 10," and then I'd take the full 10. But what actually started to happen was that I'd often either realize I didn't want to spend ANY time replaying the mind tapes, or I'd give myself 10 minutes, but only take 2 and then go "Ok, that was actually enough."

 

On the occasions when I'd say "Actually, no more time on this today sounds good" and then I found the tapes starting up again 5 minutes later, I'd simply repeat my question. As long as I didn't just set the "tape recorder" down and let it play as background music, I was able to control how long, and how often. For some reason, bringing it to the forefront of my thoughts and challenging myself with it, really helped me to see just how silly and self-torturing it all really was.

 

btw, I now do this whenever I get upset about something. Say, a guy cuts me off in traffic. I used to just mindlessly rant. Now I ask myself, "Ok, do I really want to spent 5 minutes whining about that, or would I rather let it go and be happy?"

[Ronni_W]

The only other way to numb or stop the thoughts and feelings is to get into drugs and alcohol

Well...yeah...but not so much, either!

 

For me, it took a LOT of practice to get even a baby-step ahead. One therapist suggested, "Every time you find yourself thinking about what you don't want to think about, say something like, 'STOP! This thought is not one I want to have right now,' and then make yourself think about being on a beach in Jamaica (or whatever.)"

 

So...I was telling myself "STOP!!!" about 189 times every minute. But...only for a couple of days...then it got so freaking tedious that I just didn't even WANT to think about what I didn't want to think about as often as before. (If that makes sense.)

 

The other thing that worked well for me was the good old "rubber band on the wrist" aversion therapy. That cured me of what ailed me in about an hour -- cos that just hurts like a bugger! (I read about that one, though -- it didn't come from a therapist.) For me, whatever works is ideal.

 

Best of luck.

[entityzero]

I tried the rubber band theory, they kept snapping and my arm was really sore.

Didnt work though

I think the only thing thats gonna work is when i find out her and him are no longer together.

Why does he now get to be with her?? He doesnt deserve her or anything except a long painful death.

[carhill]

He suggested that whatever pain im feeling, or the thoughts of trying to make sense of everything, should be put aside and dealt with later when im more healed..

 

Hurt is an emotion. "Putting it aside" essentially is ignoring it. Even if one accepts the hurt, setting it aside to process later is still an active ignoral. Putting it aside until one is "more healed" is....what? Fodder for more therapy?

 

"Thoughts of trying to make sense of everything" conveys to me the man's struggle to put order to his emotions; to solve the puzzle; to find a solution. It's what men do. It's how they're wired. It's their essence. It's their strength. Applying logic to chaos will make one crazy. This I know. I've been there and back. The key, for me, was embracing the chaos, the dreams, the visions, the impulses. Making friends with the enemy.

 

OP, use that powerful male ability to visualize in your mind's eye. You have the power to alter those dreams and visions and mold them to your will. Take back your power. Your ass is not sorry. You know that.

 

How did I do it? I ended all contact with the impetus for the hurt and actively diverted (but did not set aside) thoughts of that hurt to positive action, like posting here on LS and doing positive things with friends and family. It took me about two months of intensive work, combined with MC, to detoxify my brain, to tame my monkey mind. I was deep in the monkey when I joined LS a year ago and all of the administrative warnings I got here came in the first month. As therapy took hold, my emotions moderated and LS became adjunct therapy. Helping others, even if just listening and supporting, provided positive reinforcement for the work I was doing IRL.

 

Now, I can feel the emotions and embrace the thoughts but none of those realities rule me. I feel them right now as I post this. Instead of hurt, I feel energized. I believe the future holds unlimited potential. All of us are that potential. I hope to see you there

[Ronni_W]

Why does he now get to be with her?? He doesnt deserve her or anything except a long painful death.

Okay, so...right after you typed that, did you tell yourself, in a real loud and stern voice, "STOP!!!" ?

Cos that's how it looks, in practice. (Or, whatever you are actually gonna say to yourself when you want to interrupt your thought, of course.)

 

Hugs. I know it's tough. BIG step forward to get your "sad ass" to the therapist, though...and it sounds as if you're building trust and rapport with him. Congrats on those successes...more to follow, I have no doubt

[era]

Im so freaking sick of feeling like s**t.

 

That's the key!...after becoming freaking sick of feeling like s**t I was able to want more for myself, and I got over it.

[entityzero]

Thanks for all the great advice and input guys i'll re-read it alot and let it sink in!

I've tried to just say "STOP" buts its so hard and it feels like its not working, the other thoughts just push they're way in!!

 

I know I should be more mad at her, but i just miss her so much its hard to be angry at someone you pine so much for..

I know she misses me too, she wouldnt wanna talk to me and wish me a good trip if she didnt.

But what does it all mean?

[Ronni_W]

I've tried to just say "STOP" buts its so hard and it feels like its not working, the other thoughts just push they're way in!!

Yeah...that's the crappy part -- any technique is gonna take a whole lotta practice before you master it. OTOH, if after an hour or a day, "STOP" doesn't work too well for you...try a different word, or a different tool.

 

Of course, keeping in mind that your healing is gonna come from reframing your current beliefs about what "he deserves" or that the only thing that will really resolve this for you is if they split up. That's the deeper cognitive stuff. This is just a tool to help you get out of what has become your habitual mental focus/activity.

 

Basically, these types of thoughts are only serving to keep you feeling crappy -- there is no good reason to hold onto them and nurture them as if they are a positive force. (The thoughts are not worth your time or energy because they are leading to your crappy feelings. That does not mean don't acknowledge your feelings. Rather, do want you can to prevent your "negative" feelings from arising in the first place.)

 

Crestfallen has offered a technique that could also help you. And check her sig -- when I read it, seemed to me it had a lot of potential value for your current situation.

[entityzero]

"Of course, keeping in mind that your healing is gonna come from reframing your current beliefs about what "he deserves" or that the only thing that will really resolve this for you is if they split up. That's the deeper cognitive stuff. This is just a tool to help you get out of what has become your habitual mental focus/activity."'

 

Can you elaborate on this? Im not sure I understand.

What do you mean by reframing my beliefs on what he deserves?? He deserves DEATH! As far as im concerened anyway.

Nothing can make me change my mind about that.

[carhill]

Some background:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t177907/

 

FWIW, my advice in that thread still stands

 

OP, you know your mate is damaged; it is life which will be his fate and fatality, not death. Let him go. Let his existence become irrelevant.

[Ronni_W]

What do you mean by reframing my beliefs on what he deserves??

Honestly, it seems that you understood perfectly .

Putting it another way, however, it's that our genuine, permanent healing (consistent, recurring happy and peaceful feelings) cannot happen in an environment of resentment and hostility. There hasn't been any evidence that those can co-exist.

 

I understand your angry, hate-filled feelings and, yeah, to get to your "inner peace" you will need to work through those. But, I assume, that is why you've hired a therapist -- so you can stop being controlled by your thoughts of "him" or "her" or whatever circumstance, and get to where you are just feeling happy and peaceful.

 

And. One tool for doing that is the 'thought stopping' practices that you originally asked about...you are definitely on the right track!

[entityzero]

Thanks but im not sure im on the right track, its been 4 months and its just the jealousy of my "mate" being with her now thats stopping me moving on.

I keep dreaming about them, the other night i dreamt i was sitting in between them at a table while they tried to lean over me and make out and i was struggling to keep her away from him, then i wake up breathless in a cold sweat, it sucks!!

Why do i have to submit myself to therapy and try to learn techniques to forget, have horrible nightmares, wonder what they're upto in the house we shared etc etc while she just gets to carry on like she never did anything wrong??

 

Why cant I just forget her? Because I miss her so much.

[Ronni_W]

Why do i have to submit myself to therapy and try to learn techniques

Hhmmm...that's a good question. I had to think for a while, to remember my own reasons for going into therapy after my separation/divorce.

 

Mostly cos I didn't like how crappy I was feeling. And I didn't like it enough to try ANYTHING just to feel better. That was it, really. The only reason that got me started.

 

Much later on, I got into the whole self-awareness, personal growth, learning more effective coping strategies, techniques, tools, blah blah blah.

 

I didn't have any illusions that I was gonna "forget" anything, though. Just, I really, really didn't want to keep on being traumatized every time I remembered or thought about things.

[D-Lish]

CBT has helped me as well.

 

I have a "go to" happy place that I switch to everytime a negative thought comes into my head. You would laugh your ass off if I told you what my happy place is all about... but it does work for me to switch the thought pattern.

 

How do you do it? You simply start thinking about something else.

It may sound impossible to do when your mind is permeated by thoughts of pain and hurtful images... But It works well for me.

 

He'll start creeping into my mind... and I realize it and focus on something else. Bit of practice sure...

 

Also- and some people may think it's silly... But I go for a run on the treadmill everyday- and as I am running I repeat the same 3 positive affirmations in my head over and over as I run. Positive thoughts and affirmations will begin to settle into your subconscious mind the more you do it. I do it in the morning before I get out of bed as well.

 

If it will help to illustrate, I will explain my happy place- but you have to promise not to laugh:eek:

[Trialbyfire]

Here's what I do sometimes.

 

Step #1: If I find something overwhelming where my mind just keeps looping, I envision taking all those thoughts and emotions, and pushing and shoving them into a big compartment. Then I slam the big metal door closed using my shoulder. This gives my mind some peace.

 

Step #2: Then when things have calmed down a bit, I open the door a little or create a smaller door, taking out the emotions piecemeal, to address.

 

Sometimes, they all start poring out uncontrollably, so I have to do step #1 again, then back to #2.

 

If it's just a quick bout of negative emotion(s), I just shut'em down by letting them go.

[entityzero]

Thanks guys.

D-Lish i promise not to laugh!! You're lucky you have found that happy place in your head, the first thought I had about me and my happy place was lying on the couch with my ex in our place...i dont think ive been truely happy since then.. <sigh>...not very constructive huh?

 

I just feel like they've beaten me, like, what they've done has pushed me to this and so while they're in my old bedroom having sex im sitting in a therapists chair wondering where it all went wrong... its not fair.

I just want it to all come crashing down so she can start to feel the pain she never gave herself a chance to think when we broke up.

It was so much easier to throw herself into another relationship rather than face her fears of being alone, even after she told me thats what she needed, what a crock of s**t.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Okay, this maybe sounds silly but try it!

 

Whatever thoughts you are thinking now, add a different image into it.

So if you think of them having sex, think of it being rubbish, she doesn't come, he doesn't come, it's really boring, she's disapointed, whatever - think of something BAD happening for THEM.

 

If you picture them walking hand in hand, add in that he checks out a beautiful woman walking past.

 

If you picture them eating at a restaurant, picture her choking on something and being embarrassed in front of him.

 

If you picture them kissing, imagine that she's just eating garlic lol

 

you get the idea?

 

You are thinking of the positives, imagine the worst!

 

You see them laughing at you? Imagine him laughing at her or arguing? Add a different image and keep practising that until it lessens the focus on the uncertainty that they are SO happy.