I used to date black guys and my new boyfriend is racist. How can I hide it from him

[silverliningonacloud]

I am really, really into this guy that I have been seeing. But I still don't know him that well and it's still pretty new. We have been dating for about a month now.

 

I used to date black guys a lot (I am white) and I haven't told this to the new guy yet. (He is white, too). I am afraid to tell him, because he is really racist, I think. I don't know for sure, but everytime he sees an interracial couple on the street or on TV, he starts cussing them and talking about how sick that is. And he doesn't have any black friends and he uses the "N" word very frequently. I really think he is racist.

 

If he found out I used to date black guys, I know he would break up with me and never talk to me again. I don't want to tell him, but I am afraid that he will find out eventually. I have never had to hide it, and I don't know how I can hide it from him either. All of my friends know. I really don't want to lose him, though. I like him so much. I don't care if he's racist. I don't date black guys anymore, but I used to and I have to keep that from him in order to keep him.

 

What can I do?

[moimeme]

"I like him so much. I don't care if he's racist"

 

What could there be to like?

[silverliningonacloud]

You don't know him. He's the greatest guy and he is so fine! He treats me really good. Just because he is racist isn't a reason not to like him. He treats me really good. I just don't want him to find out about my past.

[moimeme]

"He's the greatest guy"

 

Well, 'racist' and 'greatest guy' don't coexist IMHO. Talk to someone else about this because I think you've got yourself a bigtime loser no matter how good he may treat you.

[jenny]

ok - silver lining -

 

i think you might be more bothered by the racism than you let on. any reasonable person would be. you mentioned it a couple of times within your short post, and any political issue that makes you have to hide your past is a cause for concern.

 

i don't really care about the racism bit. i care about you.

 

do you really want a guy from whom you need to hide who you are and what your past is? this signifies a weakness on his part more than anything else, and i promise you it will cause you stress. sometimes i have dated guys a good 4 levels out of my inherent socio-economic class, but if i ever felt shamed by them (i.e. by having to lie about friends or boyfriends from my side of the tracks) i would have dumped them double time.

 

i think it can be exciting for young girls to date the openly rascist. weirdly, it can be seen as a form of rebellion. but when it comes down to you having to lie, it's not exciting. it's just boring. and cliche.

 

choose yourself, love, you're a smart girl - you have some rebellion in you that can be channeled towards greater things than some poor scared white guy.

 

finally, if you choose to stay with him, which i guess you will, if humans are as predictable as i imagine:

 

remember always you are too good for him by virtue of your ability to reason beyond skin colour - remember that specifically when he attempts to shame you.

 

it's easy to leave the stupid ones.

 

hugs and support,

j

[yes]

if he's all-around great but racist, i'd have a talk with him about racism. i'd explain why it's wrong and insane to be racist, and unless he gets persuaded, stops cussing interracial couples and using the "N word", I'd be gone.

 

racism is a sign of really shallow and hateful thinking. you may not have discovered other aspects of it yet, but you surely will.

 

best of luck,

-yes

 

PS perhaps you're afraid to tell him about the black guys b/c of the stereotype that they're so much better in bed than the white ones??

[HokeyReligions]

And he doesn't have any black friends and he uses the "N" word very frequently. I really think he is racist

 

Duh - 'ya think?!

 

Whatever he may be, you are the one who is being dishonest. Any relationship where one partner hides things from the other is doomed to heartbreak and failure. If you want an honest and strong and loving relationship then you need to be honest and communicate with him. If you care at all about his feelings then why would you deliberately deceive him? That's pretty selfish of you to withhold something that might have a profound emotional impact on him - it shows that you only care about keeping him around for YOU. Not for his own emotional happiness. At least show him the respect of allowing him to decide if this is something he can deal with and make his own decision. If he leaves you because of your past then consider yourself lucky that you avoided a potentially painful experience. A little hurt now is better than a huge mistake recognized later.

 

 

BTW: Is the myth true?

[TremblingBluStar]

Originally posted by yes PS perhaps you're afraid to tell him about the black guys b/c of the stereotype that they're so much better in bed than the white ones??

That's a new one!

 

I've heard they are better endowed (which isn't true), but not necessarily better in bed.

 

This reminds me of something that happened to me recently. I was chatting with a good friend of mine, and she was carrying on about another girl she knows, and how we should all get together some time. She sent me pictures of this girl (who was white), and said that we'd be good friends, and get along so well. Being a stupid guy, I naturally thought she was trying to set me up with this girl.

 

Then she says it's too bad I can't date this girl. I asked why? Is she with someone else. My friend says "no, but she only dates black guys". Well, I wasn't too thrilled with that bit of news. I have no issues with interracial couples, but I despise women who only date guys of a certain race. To me, that's a very close minded and racist view. So I told my friend how I felt about it. She explains this girl has a reason for dating only black guys - she needs a big c@%&!

 

Needless to say, I was further offended, and flat out refused to even meet this girl! It actually caused problems between my friend and I for a few weeks, until she came to understand my feelings on this matter.

 

Not exactly on subject, but I thought this was amusing.

[yes]

amusing indeed! =)

 

it's probably just a stereotype, but i've heard time-n-time-again (sp?) that black guys are just better in that department ... *shrug* I'll let you know for sure once I run my own comparative experiment

 

it's hard to explain but i think for many white girls, black men have a special kind of attractiveness. might be kind of like asian girls for white men. again, very stereotypical, but i've seen many many cases of both of the above.

 

i agree that anybody who dates only a certain race is very close-minded. however, some people have very strong preferences in terms of looks - mainly young people have this. i used to say i HATE light skin, but last weekend i met a guy who was very attractive and, oh horror! - had pale skin, heheh.

 

-yes

[TremblingBluStar]

Originally posted by yes it's probably just a stereotype, but i've heard time-n-time-again (sp?) that black guys are just better in that department ... *shrug* I'll let you know for sure once I run my own comparative experiment

Where do I sign up???

[snoopygirl]

OK if he is soooo great , then he won't care that you have dated black guys in the past. A really great person will care about you regardless of what you have done. Supposing that what you did was wrong, which it wasn't.

 

BTW if he hates other people based on what color thier skin is, or if he hates people that associate with other races then he is not that great , nice , or smart.

 

You would be much better off thinking for yourself rather than to have him thinking for you.

 

Also, really good relationships are ones where people are open with eachother and trust each other. If you feel you have to hide things from this guy to stay in his favor, then it's probably not a good relationship.

[moimeme]

I've heard they are better endowed (which isn't true)

 

http://www.exn.ca/sexfiles/Myths/Story1.cfm

[EnigmaXOXO]

DITTO what snoopygirl said!

[hilllaryhof]

Silver lining-

 

Someone who has issues with other people based soley on their race has serious character flaws. Say the relationship works out, (it probably won't because this guy sounds like a real jerk) then you would have kids with this guy. Your kids would inherit those same close-minded beliefs, simply because they were around him. If you "don't care" whether or not someone is racist, it speaks loudly of how much you care about yourself. You probably shouldn't be dating anyone, if these are the kind of people you are selecting for yourself. Go for a little higher standards when choosing your mate!

[innocent]

Okay...Black guys dated a few.. no difference from the white ones or even mixed ones...each race varies, so every one when averaged out is about the same size....

 

I can understand what you are going through you are at that stage where you really like a guy and can talk to him for hours, but still not give too much information on his past or yours and you can't share your feelings really...

 

Well when my boyfriend and I started dating, he was that way about gay guys... I could never figure out why, and I almost broke up with him because it bothered me so much, because there was on point in my life that I had just given up on guys and thought that I liked girls(which I don't I was just really confused). Well one day i had just had enough, not that he was ranting and raving about it all of the time, it just bothered me, he only made comments when we would see a gay guy...well it bothered me so much that I just came out and told him that it did and it made me feel really uncomfortable, b/c there was one point in my life that I though I was gay, and I told him that even though I wasn't I still feel uncomfortable b/c of the subject and I just asked him how he would feel if he was the minority and liking girls would be considered so wrong.

 

Well to make a long story short, he had been beat by his gay uncle when he was younger, that is why he had so much hatred, he saw my point of view, and he liked me he changed that about himself, he told me that what he was doing was wrong, and he did change... and he has no problem, except for when they hit on him, which is hardly ever(his sister works at a hair salon that's why I know so many gay guys) but If he likes you then he will see your point of view it may be something alot deeper than just plain racism and it may not, but just try to talk to him and share your experiences with him and try to get him to see how it would feel if hewas in their shoes.

[innocent]

I hope that this helps...different subject but almost the same thing

 

GOOD LUCK, I hope it works out

[Lurker]

everytime he sees an interracial couple on the street or on TV, he starts cussing them and talking about how sick that is.

he uses the "N" word very frequently

Um, yeah, what a great guy...NOT! He sounds like a psychopath! The fact that he can't stop talking about Black people when they probably don't even know he exists shows that he has some sort of sick obsession with this group. He is so completely unable to contain himself when ever he sees an "interracial" couple that he must make a ranting, cursing, maniacal ass of himself in public (if it wasn't so scary, it would be funny!). His inability to control himself makes it obvious that he is filled with a very intense hatred.

 

Yup, he sounds very scary to me. What do you think he will do to you when he finds out (and he will, eventually...the truth always comes out, especially when more than one person knows it) that you dated Black guys in the past? Hatred and anger are very destructive to the self. Do you really want to date someone who is on the path to self-destruction? You must not have very much self-respect if you are willing to deny a part of yourself to gain this guy's acceptance and respect. Why should he get to be exactly who he is while you have to pretend to be someone you are not? Is he more important than you are? Aren't you at all embarrassed to be seen in a public place with a ranting, raving lunatic?

[Nostalghia]

LOOOOOOOL - he uses the "N" word in front of you and you actually think he's GREAT?!

 

Is he attractive in his white hood?

[novascade]

if you think about it how can you hate anyone

if you belive in god especialy

its writen in bible( we came from one blood,Adam)

it may not be word for word

[VASH THE STAMPEDE]

There will always be racial hate in our society.

I think you will come into alot of problems when he finds out.

First because you withheld information from him.

Second hes racist he might not be able to accept that you were with black men .

Also, NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO JUDGE A PERSON BASED ON THE COLOR OF THEIR SKIN OR ETHIC BACK GROUND.So with that said I don't think that hes that great.

[VASH THE STAMPEDE]

Originally posted by novascade

if you think about it how can you hate anyone

if you believe in god especially

its written in bible( we came from one blood,Adam)

it may not be word for word

 

 

You have to remember that people will not always think.

People will not always share the same spiritual believes.

I personally have grown hateful of lots of people and even thought of how to erase them from existent.

But in the end you your self must let those feelings go.

[amerikajin]

It's not just the fact that he's racist, but that he's so open hostile about it. Does he really starting cussing at interracial couples? I'd say he's got more than just a case of a fear of the dark, he seems like an outright nut job.

 

You said it's new and all, and that "he's so fine". That tells me you don't really know the guy yet, and that you're willing to overlook this guy's obvious issues because your interested in instant gratification of some kind. Not only that, you're so interested in that gratification that you're willing to conceal parts of yourself just to get what you think you want from this guy. There are other studs out there who aren't racist and who will treat you quite well.

 

Ultimately, racists are nothing more than people who like controlling and destroying other people. Dump this guy before he starts trying to control YOUR life, too.

[The Velvet Vixen]

These people weren't provoking your BF; they were simply going on about their business. Therefore his verbal tirade was completely unwarranted. People have a right to date whomever they want. If your BF doesn't agree with it, that's HIS business. He has no right to interfere or impose his will on others, particularly strangers.

 

Your BF lacks class, dignity, maturity and respect for others--including himself--otherwise he wouldn't embarrass himself OR you by making a public spectacle of himself (nor would he use racial slurs since he knows that there are people who it deeply offends). Only a toddler throws a tantrum when they don't get their way. There are billions of people in this world, and each and every person is different from your BF. Therefore, if he's going to live in a society filled with humans, he will just have to get used to seeing things that he may not agree with. Otherwise he should move to a jungle, where I'm sure he'd fit right in.

 

 

OK, I'm trying to understand here, but I'm having a lot of difficulty. What's there to love? This guy is undignified, disrespectul, a racist, an arrogant @$$h0!e and somewhat of a loon. He's only being "great" to you now because you're allowing him to control your thoughts and actions. If you stopped hiding your true nature and stood up for yourself, I guarantee you, all hell would break loose.

[lovestruck]

dump him its bothering you that he wont like the fact you dated black guys then hes not the guy for you

[anonimouse]

Racism is not tolerable.

 

Find yourself a new (preferably large) black boyfriend and dump your current one for him.