Author mr.dream merchant Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 She wasn't flirting back with them. She took THEIR flirting as a friendly gesture, and indirectly edging them on by being polite and curteous to their flirtacious advancements. She told me herself when we first started dating that she views flirting as an element of cheating and unfaithfulness. I'm just paranoid and insecure about her befriending guys who just want to **** her. We argued but it calmed down very quick and I explained to her in a calm and collected manner my stance.
Touche Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Your "stance." What stance? sorry but being polite and courteous doesn't necessarily egg anyone on. You're being very insulting to her by not giving her the benefit of the doubt. If I were her I wouldn't put up with this nonsense. You'd know MY stance right quick! but she's only 22...she'll probably put up with this for a little while longer before she says "bye, bye." Go get help for your paranoia and insecurity before you find yourself unable to maintain a relationship for very long.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 Because if she's telling me she doesn't enjoy the attention then why not mention you're taken and put an end to it? Obviously I'm going to be unhappy if she is.
Ronni_W Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 why not ... put an end to it? Did you mean "put an end" to all her polite, courteous (normal) social contact with all other humans of the male persuasion? Because YOU have insecurity issues bordering on paranoia? (Which, according to your more recent posts, are also manifesting as serious control issues, btw.) Does that really sound like the 'functional' and appropriate solution, to you?
bella23 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 The same thing that happens to mr.dream merchant is happening to me... at a gas station I was putting gas in my car and on the phone, not really paying attention who's there or not. But this guy infront of me seemed weird and I was in a hurry to meet up with my bf and I was on the phone with a friend. When I finished with gassing my car, he approach me and said "you're beautiful" ... kindly I said "thank you" and I was still on the phone trying to get into my car he asked "can I get your #?" I said no, I have a bf and I'm on the phone with him(lying offcourse). You know what he replied? He whispered then back "what he doesn't know wouldn't kill him" He shouted his number and I got in the car and left. Sometimes when you ignore a guy (or girl) they try back harder not even when you mention you have a bf(gf), it seems like a "barrier" or just something they have to win over. You as the other person just have to know when to cut things and sometimes just ignore and move on.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 The same thing that happens to mr.dream merchant is happening to me... at a gas station I was putting gas in my car and on the phone, not really paying attention who's there or not. But this guy infront of me seemed weird and I was in a hurry to meet up with my bf and I was on the phone with a friend. When I finished with gassing my car, he approach me and said "you're beautiful" ... kindly I said "thank you" and I was still on the phone trying to get into my car he asked "can I get your #?" I said no, I have a bf and I'm on the phone with him(lying offcourse). You know what he replied? He whispered then back "what he doesn't know wouldn't kill him" He shouted his number and I got in the car and left. Sometimes when you ignore a guy (or girl) they try back harder not even when you mention you have a bf(gf), it seems like a "barrier" or just something they have to win over. You as the other person just have to know when to cut things and sometimes just ignore and move on. This is exactly what I'm talking about. My GF expressed she doesn't like the attention so why not put an end to the unwanted attention at work by disclosing that she's taken in an around about way? Sometimes guys will only see you politely ignoring them as a barrier to overcome and they'll keep pressing. All she has to do is let them know that she has a BF and if they still keep up she can go to HR about harassment. Its not about what I find necessary, but about what may be because from what she's telling me, these guys won't give up. Calling her desk from theirs to conversate, trying to buy her lunch, calling her funny nicknames. These are all examples of these co-workers testing the waters. I'm a guy, I know exactly what they're doing because I've been there before. They're seeing if she's friendly and open enough to move in on in hopes of getting some. Everything I mentioned telling her I didn't command her to do, they were only suggestions to help her out in the office, whether she chooses to take them or not, that's her decision. I just want her to know that all these guys doing nice things for her, not all of them are altruistic, some of them have ulterior motives.
nicki Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 I think the bigger issue is that she doesn't tell people she has a boyfriend. It's true that she is saying No to the guys, and she doesn't owe them an explanation. BUT, every woman knows that if she has a boyfriend, the guys who are around her should know that. It prevents unwanted advances, and keeps guys from wasting their energy asking her out. It's also a common display of loyalty to declare your relationship in public. That is EXACTLY how people know you are off the market, and shows your devotion to your partner.
Bryanp Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 I totally agree with the above poster Nicki. The fact that she refuses to tell guys who are flirting with her that she has a boyfriend speaks volumes. I hate to tell you this but most probably the reason she does not tell them she has a boyfriend is because she wishes to keep her options open down the road. She is playing this miss innocent routine with you but the fact is that you have asked her time and again to tell people she has a boyfriend but she refuses to do so. She is making a conscious decision not to tell them she is involved with a boyfriend. It does not take a rocket scientist to figure out why she consciously refuses to do so. It really sounds like you are being played in some manner. It is so disrespectful to you.
Ronni_W Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 The fact that she refuses to tell guys who are flirting with her that she has a boyfriend speaks volumes. I think it was that she didn't realize that they may have been flirting with her. For how she was perceiving the situation, it was the same as if she would have been having a convo with some female work acquaintances. But. Apparently OP has now helped her to see that possibly they WERE flirting with her, so one would have to guess that, with her new awareness, she can make new decisions about what she wants to do in the future.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 The only time I'd get upset at the guys that might hit on a SO of mine is when they realize she is committed, but persists anyway. But I'd be more concerned with how my SO handles the advances. Or if it seems that she sends out signals and tries to attract the attention.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 Well now that she is trying to handle the situation in a different matter let's move on to another problem lmao... How can I stop myself from getting upset over it? I realize its a bit insecure on my part but its like I can't help it. I get annoyed when I hear or see guys trying to move in on my GF. It just turns on, I don't lash out at her, but sometimes me getting angry about it will lead to her being annoyed that I'm angry over it. I just want to not care about it anymore. I don't understand how some guys just don't give a **** if some guy is trying to romp his GF to next year and back. That **** pisses me the **** off. I try and play it cool, but I just end up thinking about it for a long period of time and it just annoys me for the whole day rather than just venting about it when it first happens. Any tips or pointers on how NOT to be an insecure BF? I know my GF doesn't enjoy it, but she's also insecure about females around me, so how could she not understand?
lostsunsets Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Communication. Focus on her. Not what someone else is attempting to do to her. Think about it. They are robbing you of enjoying each other. Don't let them take that. If the subject comes up. And she tells you someone hit on her. Tell her "that's because your beautiful outside. But I love you because you're even more beautiful inside. I know when you enter a room every man turns his head to look at you. But I'm the man who's heart turns." You see. You make the situation an opportunity to get closer to her. Just spend sometime thinking about how much she means to you. Turn your negative energy into showing her positive love.
in_absentia Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Just a perspective from a female here... Sometimes if I get hit on, I don't mention I have a bf. This can be for a couple of reasons - 1) Saying no i have a bf is almost like saying that if you were single you would accept, but can't because of a relationship. That feels weird to me, if someone is chatting me up that I wouldn't consider even if I were single I don't want them to think I actually like them, since my relationship status has nothing to do with why I wouldn't go out with them. 2) Asking someone out isn't always obvious. I've had a situation before where a guy has literally only asked me out to coffee. The undertone clearly was a datey sort of thing, and as I'm in a relationship I wouldn't just go out for a drink alone with a new random guy, but it was vague and innocent enough that there was a chance it could be perceived as just that, an asking out for a simple drink. To say 'I have a bf' is really awkward at that point, because you're making it awkard, making it out to be more than it is. It's like bringing it out into the open that you know it's flirty and embarassing for the guy because it suddenly takes the unspoken flirty part and makes it into an 'i assume you're asking me on a date, no' which can be a bigger deal than it really needs to be. So a simple no thanks will do. If i can drop in I have a bf, like in terms of 'hey, do you wanna grab a drink after work?' 'oh thanks, but I'm meeting my boyfriend' then I will do (Even if it's not true, but there's really no need for your gf to point out she's in a relationship when other tactics work just as well. This seems to be your problem, not your girlfriend's. If she enjoyed the attention surely she'd be accepting some of their offers to do stuff, or kinda stringing guys along, but she's politely declining and moving on. I think this is just about you wanting other guys to know she's yours, like territorialy. I hope you can deal with it without making her feel she is doing something wrong. Sorry I haven't written any of that very eloquently I'm VERY tired!
in_absentia Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 I just read through the other stuff more carefully. If she's kinda actively hiding the fact she's with you whilst she's at work enough that guys still think she is single then that seems a bit odd. It shouldn't really take forever for it to come up in 'getting to know you' conversation that you have a partner and some stuff about them. If she's been there a while and everyone still thinks she's single then it seems weird. I was taking it in a more kinda, just everyday chat ups that happen to people, not repeated by the same people. Unless it's a huge workplace where she comes into contact with a lot of different people, then it's possible it just hasn't come up in convo. But if it's the same guys over n over again then yeah, she should have mentiond you.
boxing123 Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 It just depends.. In college I was paired up with a very attractive female to work on a project. She always mentioned her boyfriend. After a while her mentioning her boyfriend was quite annoying, as I thought she was doing it to make sure I do not ask her out. After a while she was ALWAYS asking me to get together to work on our project, even when we did not need to. She suggested coming to my place, and I said "sure". We then ended up sleeping together. So mentioning a boyfriend or not, makes little difference. How she says things is what matters. But it seems like you do not trust her at all, or feel she is not that bright. I am sure a hot 22 yr old female KNOWS men want to get into her pants. My guess is she: A. Enjoys the attention B. Enjoys causing drama with you by telling you all about the guys that ask her out, chat with her, call her, etc. I have done this before too.. Go out of my way to make a girlfriend jealous by disclosing everything. I kind of got a kick out of seeing my girlfriend worry, be upset, etc. I am sure she is doing the same to you.
samspade Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 Stop and think about this for a second. Your girlfriend is attractive; that's partly why YOU went after her. This little hottie had her pick of guys, and she chose YOU. Now there will always be other guys after her, but she's made up her mind...you're her guy. But you won't believe it. You think that every swinging dick out there is a threat to your happiness with her. When she sees that you are threatened, she sees that you are insecure and not the man you were when she was first attracted to you. She tells you it's okay, all in your head, but you won't believe it. Perhaps she is subconsciously testing you, but that's not her fault, believe it or not. She's a female, she wants the right male. How you react helps her determine she's made the right choice. You're opening the window, wider and wider, for her to jump through and actually act on one of these flirtations. Now, if she's truly disrespecting you, fine, put your foot down again and let her know. Like a man. If she's the cheating type, there's nothing you can do about that, other than dump her. To boxing123: I was in a similar situation; a girl who talked about her boyfriend nonstop to me slept with me anyway. So yeah, SAYING it means nothing. Her actions are what counts. If she's not devoted to you, you will be able to tell.
missdependant Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Jealousy does nothing for relationships but ruin them. We learn as we get older... I think that you are in need of some self-discovery. It might help you to learn why you are insecure in the first place. Focus on your good qualities. Rather than looking at it as, "I don't know what she is doing with me," tell yourself something like "she is with me, because I look good, I work hard..." etc. It is really a matter of your own insecurities and NOT the fact that she isn't responding to advances a certain way. As long as she isn't cheating it's not a big deal. You can't control people and you shouldn't try, because it only pushes them further away. In telling her that she SHOULD respond a certain way, you are expressing a need for control and there isn't a person in the world who wants to be with someone like that. We all want to be our own people and be respected. Also, her telling men that she's in a relationship isn't going to stop men from flirting.. regardless, there will always be men looking and not all men have the decency to stop flirting. Have faith in her, and just TRUST that she knows when things are going to far. She can't force you to trust her... it's something you have to learn on your own. Giving her the benefit of the doubt. If she wanted to cheat on you, she would have already.. if she hasn't cheated, and you're constantly hounding her about it, she WILL. If you're not worried about her cheating, then you need to figure out why you're so insecure in the first place.. like if you were cheated on in the past or if you have abandonment issues. Self-discovery and confidence is important BEFORE getting into relationships. Self-esteem is hard to come by in a relationship. It's something you find on your own. I believe that if you had high self-esteem, you wouldn't be as worried as you are. Look into maybe some counseling or read about it.. Good luck.
jnj express Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Your GF is taking care of the problem in her way, and I think it is time you drop it. She doesn't tell them she has a BF, so what, they are hitting on her, and she is rejecting them, and bottom line is she is staying true to you----Right now you are acting like a spoiled little boy who is not getting his way. Be careful what you do, cuz you are going to lose your GF with the way you are acting. You are trying to control a situation she has to deal with, and as i said before she is taking care of business , so you need to back off about how she goes about it.
boxing123 Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Ladies, let me ask you this.. If you were in the position of Dream Merchant's girlfriend, and you were always asked about guys at work, wouldn't you just say "Nah, no big deal. Nobody there I would date" or something like that if you DID NOT want drama? Of would you tell your jealous boyfriend about every guy that looks at you, smiled at you, called you at work, asked you to grab lunch, etc.? I think she likes the attention at work, and from you. Some women love drama/attention.
missdependant Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Ladies, let me ask you this.. If you were in the position of Dream Merchant's girlfriend, and you were always asked about guys at work, wouldn't you just say "Nah, no big deal. Nobody there I would date" or something like that if you DID NOT want drama? Of would you tell your jealous boyfriend about every guy that looks at you, smiled at you, called you at work, asked you to grab lunch, etc.? I think she likes the attention at work, and from you. Some women love drama/attention. It happens to me in front of my boyfriend... he doesn't care, because he's secure enough in himself to know that I will never ever cheat on him. We both flirt openly with people, and NEITHER of us get mad or try and control each other. We've obviously had other problems, but we've learned to accept the fact that we're in a long term, loving relationship and yeah... it gets boring after a while. So we both harmlessly flirt and DON'T get bent out of shape about it. Big deal. There will always be hot girls flirting with him. And there will be men with wandering eyes looking at me sometimes. I'm not going to dress up in turtlenecks year round, never do my hair, never make myself look nice just to accomodate someone's insecurities. And I don't expect him to do so either. I was already with a control freak who got pissed AT ME whenever any guys would look at me, talk to me or even ring me up at the grocery store and ask how my day was going. And I left him because of it. Because men like that are useless and have too many problems that I don't need to be dragged into.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted March 8, 2009 Author Posted March 8, 2009 The jealously is starting to die down. For what reason? I have no idea. Last night we went to the Hard Rock Casino and she was sexier than ever with a black club dress and black michael kors heels on. Guys would stare and stare their eyes off but when I noticed it all it did was make me feel good about myself and my GF. Knowing that I have something alot of guys want but could never have as long as I keep my game on point makes me feel damn good. One guy even tried to talk to her while I was paying for our Hookah Tab. She was sitting alone at the table and a real City Slicker type cat tried to get at her. After paying the tab I noticed but it was no biggie. I walked over smiled at the guy said wussup, asked her if she was ready to leave and she said yeah. The guy waited there and we left. I could feel his eyes on her ass so I calmly slapped it and kissed her on the cheek as we walked away. I just feel at peace now that I told my GF about how I was feeling. I kept those feelings bottled up for about a month prior to her starting her new job, when I had first learned of it. Sometimes being a man about things and not expressing yourself isn't the best option. Even though I risked losing my GF but looking a bit insecure, expressing myself to her proved to be the best road taken for the both of us. This feeling of confidence in one's self and relationship is surreal to me. Its like I could care less about a lot of things. I could run into a guy who used to romp her till tomorrow and back, they'd exchange greetings and be on their way, and I couldn't care at all because the simple fact she's giving all of herself to me is what matters most.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Any tips or pointers on how NOT to be an insecure BF? I know my GF doesn't enjoy it, but she's also insecure about females around me, so how could she not understand? You say she doesn't enjoy it, but for it to bother you so, I'd think she has to be sending out signals or flirting back with these guys. You can't blame a guy for trying, but once they find out she isn't intersted and knows she has a boyfriend, and the STILL persist.....thats when they deserve an ass kickin'
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